AUGUST 18, 2011 3:03PM

Let's Make A Deal

My salad days are over.*

No, wait. That's not what I meant. Well, my salad days are over, but that - lost and misspent youth - is a post for another time.

So, what I mean to say is that my frugal days are over. I

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(this story follows "The Very Hungry Menopausal Woman" from an earlier blog post)

Once there was a Mommy who said to her little bunny, "You are bugging the fuck outta me. I am going to run away to the bathroom and lock the door."

And the little bunny said,… Read full post »

AUGUST 11, 2011 6:23PM

Pants On Fire, Part Four

I miss the old days when I could lie to my kids and they'd believe me. Actually, I miss the days when I could lie to anyone and they'd believe me. The world is on to me. Maybe because I announce that I lie all the time.

OR… Read full post »

AUGUST 11, 2011 6:23PM

Pants On Fire, Part Four

I miss the old days when I could lie to my kids and they'd believe me. Actually, I miss the days when I could lie to anyone and they'd believe me. The world is on to me. Maybe because I announce that I lie all the time.

OR… Read full post »

AUGUST 2, 2011 2:57PM

Girlz In The Hood

The first time she saw me, my sister told Mom, "take it back". When I was seven months old, she tried to frame me for drawing the letters "m" and "n" all over the den walls in black crayon.

Our partnership is going on 58 years next spring.

There… Read full post »

JULY 21, 2011 9:36PM

From the "True Story" Files

                                      THIS MORNING, 6AM

Me (waking up and talking to Robin, still asleep next to me… Read full post »

JULY 16, 2011 4:26PM

Happy Birthday "To Do" List

Robin's birthday happy ending: check.

I know he'd want you to know.

He'd also want you to know that he was a champ stud. We started the day before his birthday and ended on his birthday. Yeah, well, it was 11:58 last night to 12:13 this morning, but still.… Read full post »

JULY 13, 2011 11:51PM

Say What?

Robin's been out of town, won't be home until late tomorrow night, and for reasons too complicated to explain, I needed to get some money. Fast.

I checked all my usual hiding places but - no shock - there were empty. There was a note in my best… Read full post »

JULY 9, 2011 1:06PM

Hot Pants

I've been worrying about death again.

Months (well, weeks. Well, days) have gone by without my usual daily keening and moaning and hand-wringing that Death is just around the corner. I really don't know why my brain finally took a respite from it, although now that I think… Read full post »

JULY 5, 2011 12:41PM

Napa Time

We decided to spend an afternoon in Napa on our way up from LA.

Robin's vision: lazily wending our way in and out of wineries, tasting delicious wine and food, sitting under the shade of an oak tree and having sex under a picnic blanket. Preferably with me, but… Read full post »

JUNE 30, 2011 4:39PM

A Paucity Of Wit, My Ass

We were discussing profanity in literature. Lunaea was careful to be discreet but I got the message.

"It can show a certain...paucity of wit" was her exact turn of phrase. Followed, of course, by "oh, but I don't mean your writing, Ann. When you use that language, it's..." I don't… Read full post »

JUNE 25, 2011 11:34PM

Never Mind

I went to Ojai last weekend for the wedding of the daughter of dear friends. You may have recognized me there. I was the one with the Transitions lenses that refused to turn light at night and I walked around in pitch black sunglasses, looking like the third… Read full post »

I'm having such a hard time writing the blog. I've been so tired. Just writing that now, I am spent. I must take to the couch with a cranberry and tonic, twist of lime, please. See how tired I am? I cannot even twist my own lime. Which… Read full post »

I've recently connected - via Facebook - with a friend I haven't seen in a million years. Such is beauty of Facebook. And now she wants to catch up and know what's new with me and get together for lunch or something. I might have to unfriend her.… Read full post »

MAY 27, 2011 2:15PM

Life Without Oprah, Day One

Well, it's over. Oprah's gone. Just an empty studio, a million tear-soaked tissues and the last audience ever to see her show walking together, slowly, arm in arm to the bus stop, crying to each other, "now what the hell good was that? Where's my new car? Where's… Read full post »

MAY 24, 2011 10:39PM

A Bathroom Of One's Own

Well, here's something you can't say every day: I'm going out to the driveway to take a dump.

The reason I can say that is that there is a port-a-potty in my driveway. The reason there is a port-a-potty there is that we are remodeling the bathroom. My first… Read full post »

MAY 23, 2011 2:33PM

Survive Rapture: Check

Are we all still here?

I don't know what I expected to happen on Saturday - I mean, for fuck's sake, I knew there was not going to be a seat for me on that bus, I once (twice) hid behind my couch and pretended I wasn't home when… Read full post »

MAY 7, 2011 3:05PM

Last Night's Session

Well, no one emailed me about it so I will have to report on the opening session of Freak Lawn 2 without the benefit of observation, hearsay or fact. I do have at my fingertips, however, the result of my having sat here at my computer for the… Read full post »

Grease up the pole and let your freak flag fly high this weekend. In fact, fly a little high yourself. This is going to be a momentous three days and attention must be paid.

The Grant High School 1970-71 Freak Lawn Reunion is commencing as we speak. Do… Read full post »

APRIL 28, 2011 2:49PM

57. Day One.

Yesterday I turned fifty-seven. No big whoop.

I mean, I'm happy to have made it through another year, especially after the clusterfuck year our family has had. But a birthday is just another day, you know? I mean, in a world where you can get a slice of… Read full post »

APRIL 22, 2011 11:31AM

It Beeing Passover And All

You may recall a post of mine from a few months ago in which I told you about my African American friend, Wade. My point back then was that having an African American friend makes me, well, better than other white people who don't have an African American friend.… Read full post »

APRIL 15, 2011 2:37PM

Tastes Like Oppression

Okay, so dig this:

There you are, just about to take a bite of your 420 calorie - only 420!- teriyaki turkey burger from Carl's Jr and you hear a voice (perhaps it's your own) saying, "Carl Karcher is a right wing reactionary who gives zillions of dollars… Read full post »

APRIL 3, 2011 2:19PM

Robbing PETA to pay Carl

Kim Kardashian, please report to my office. You are in big trouble, Missy.

Oh, this not about your stupid life or your stupid show or your stupid family or even about that stupid, desperate "come hither" face you make for the cameras when you pretend to eat a turkey… Read full post »

MARCH 31, 2011 2:33PM

Night For Day

So it's ten minutes to four on a Wednesday afternoon and I just got into my pajamas.

If someone comes to the door I will tell them I am sick, but I'm not really sick. I'm just at that in-between time of the day, you know? I have been… Read full post »

MARCH 30, 2011 12:35AM

If I Could Save Time In A Kabbalah

Philo of Alexandria said it best back in 20 BCE: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

It's like the man read my diary. I mean, you wouldn't know it just to look at me, but I have a shitload of great battles raging within me.… Read full post »