DECEMBER 26, 2010 7:08PM

The Size Of His Shoe

Despite the winter weather, I am not a fan of making snow angels. I need a real-size silhoutette of my ass imprinted on my front lawn like I need a hole in the head.

I am not even a fan of making footprints in the snow. I am not… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 22, 2010 2:46PM

Oy Vey In A Manger

I've been checking out creches. I am nuts about them; I used to put my Barbie in a shoebox and pretend it was the manger. I don't think I am the only Jewish girl to have done this. Barbie's Dream Manger could be a kickass hot ticket at… Read full post »

DECEMBER 20, 2010 7:08PM

Christmas in Starbuckistan

A post inspired by a comment Steve made at Starbucks this afternoon, although Steve is way too nice a person to have taken it to this level. And I bet he would not say "fuck". Ever.

I've dissed Starbucks before because they are teaching us that we deserve to… Read full post »

I know. It's been a long time.

I am really trying to figure out what I've been doing that has kept me from blogging, but honestly, other than deciding which kind of Moroccan Hair Oil to buy and making soup, I cannot remember much of this month. I… Read full post »

DECEMBER 7, 2010 7:16PM

IS IT OVER YET?????

It's hard enough just being a Jew. But having to celebrate Hanukkah EIGHT nights in a row? Fuuuuck.

I am exhausted. Not that I've done much Hanuka-ing this year. The kids are grown, there's really nothing Robin or I particularly want in terms of some stupid token gift, I… Read full post »

DECEMBER 5, 2010 3:51PM

Taxing My Energy

Well, this was just a matter of time. I have arthritis in my fingers.

Great. I need one of those Stephen Hawking voice computers now and I just spent my last thousand dollars on Moroccan Hair Oil and acai berry supplements.

Well, maybe it's not full-blown arthritis; I admit… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 30, 2010 11:28AM

My Inner Maccabee

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The best Chanukah gift I ever got waRead full post »

NOVEMBER 30, 2010 11:22AM

You Say Aquariums; I Say Aquaria

As far as I am concerned, the holiday season pales in excitement compared to the Winter Olympics, but then again, I don't compete in the holidays (see prior posts about my Olympic sock-skating career) so the buildup from Thanksgiving to New Years is denouement to me.

I had… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 27, 2010 4:50PM

My OBGYN Was A Cricket

My friend's daughter just got her period.

Now, me, I have sons so I never experienced that momentous event, but I remember when my sister got her period. Our family was in Mexico and it had been a tense trip, what with my sister exuding all sorts of coming-of-ageRead full post »

The closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more detached I feel from the whole thing.

It has nothing to do with the actual Thanksgiving; you know, the food, the family, the fact that someone from outside the family is coming this year, which means that I'm going to have… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 22, 2010 4:18PM

Shit That Doesn't Count, Redux

1. Calories; if you eat the food on an airplane. The higher the altitude, the less the calories. I've done the math. Well, not so much done the math as wished this were true.

2. Keeping the change not owed you if you are shopping in a chain store… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 19, 2010 2:40PM

Meanwhile, Back On The Commune....

Yeah, so Wade and I are cool.

But is that enough, really? Is having a black friend going to give me the edge I need to take my place in today's uber-PC, "fuck convention" world? I wanna be ghetto. And not just Warsaw Ghetto, either, like my friend… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 16, 2010 11:54AM

In Which I Reclaim My Badassitude

Hey, anyone heard from Wade?

Uh-oh.

I haven't heard from him, which is weird. I'm pretty sure the last thing he said to me at the market the other day was, "yeah, you can use my name, just spell it right."  Or maybe I just made that up right… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 14, 2010 1:11PM

What Would Wade Do?

I ran into my African American friend today.

You know Wade? Yeah, he's African American. I have an African American friend. A real one, too, not some African American person I recognize because we go to the same bank or dentist or something. Wade comes to my house and… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 11, 2010 6:28PM

Better Lunar Than Sooner

Do they still have traffic school?  Because I probably should go.

I haven't gotten a ticket or anything; it's just that the longer I drive, it is becoming more and more clear  that I am pretty much making up my own rules. The other day, for instance, as I… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 9, 2010 4:17PM

Pencils Down.

Okay, I'm off to loll about on the couch and watch TV for the rest of my life. I have fulfilled my duties as a mother. See ya next time around, suckas.

I spend a lot of time fretting over all the shit I did wrong with my… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 8, 2010 2:20PM

Time, Time, Time Is On My Side. Not.

So Claudia wrote a list the other day of all the shit her someday future daughter-in-law will notice about her and find hypocritical. Claudia is a playright and an editor, and coming up with this list probably took her the better part of a Friday. It was a… Read full post »

Oh God, I am so full I wanna barf.

No, I take that back; the thought of barfing makes me, well, not want to barf. Whew, good, I'm not bulimic. It's so great to cross shit like that off my list. Not bulemic: check. More therapy time to talk about the… Read full post »

So, yeah. It's cancer. He needs surgery.

That's a normal greeting in Clusterfuckistan. It's hard to one-up someone around here. Playing the "poor me, my husband has cancer" card to this crowd of the homeless, the terminally ill, the hopelessly fucked is completely useless. I know. I've tried.… Read full post »

I miss the Vietnam War.

Well, I miss the protests, I mean.

I miss the anger and the energy I had and also I miss the embroidered Mexican peasant blouses I used to wear to the protests. Man, Protest Couture was rippin' in the 60's. Embroidered… Read full post »

Do we know, exactly, what Anita Hill said back to Ginny?

Man, I wish I could've been on the extension phone, listening in. Or better yet, sitting next to Anita that morning, feeding her kickass shit to say to Ginny, writing it out on cue cards and laughing so… Read full post »

OCTOBER 19, 2010 10:40PM

Arise, Pelvic Americans

I've been remiss in doing my Kegel exercises, have you noticed?

Each new school year I make a commitment to doing 25 of those pelvic toners at least four times a week. I know that they are very important in keeping everything where it is supposed to be, pelvically… Read full post »

OCTOBER 19, 2010 10:39PM

Why I Will Surely Go To Hell

I am in the worst mood today and I took it out on the nice barrista at Starbucks.

Remind me to be nice to him next time I go there. Or at least, remind me to feel bad every time I drive by. Because, as I've always told my… Read full post »

OCTOBER 15, 2010 2:47PM

Where I Did Not Like His Penis

I often scribble ideas for the blog on backs of envelopes and odd scraps of paper. I rarely remember where I put them or even that I have them. Still, I can't stop. I am addicted to lists; making lists is my number three hobby, third only to… Read full post »

OCTOBER 14, 2010 5:28PM

Fiscal Report, 1954 - Present

I really should have more money than I do. I have no idea where it all went.

When I was in third grade, our entire class opened a bank account. Every Monday we had to bring 50 cents to school in one of those envelopes with the wraparound string… Read full post »