IN 1998
I SPENT THE SUMMER IN MIAMI 
RELAXING AFTER 
WHAT SOME WOULD CALL 
A BREAKDOWN
PANICKED & DESPERATE - SPIRITUALLY SEARCHING
THE DARKNESS HAD RETURNED

DON’T WATCH THE NEWS 
IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED

IN A TINY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT 
IN LITTLE HAVANA
A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL WAS BRUTALLY RAPED 
BY A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD “FRIEND OF THE FAMILY”
THE CHILD'S MOTHER SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE INCIDENT
IN THE NEXT ROOM - SIX FEET AWAY
THE BABY HAD BEEN BEATEN 
HER TEETH BROKEN - HER BODY RIPPED

THE REPORTER DID NOT GIVE THE CHILDS NAME 
DID NOT SHOW HER FACE 
YET SHE HAUNTED ME 

I THOUGHT OF HER DAILY 
KNOWING THERE WAS A REASON 
SHE RESONATED WITHIN 
ONE I COULD NOT YET SEE 

A MONTH LATER 
MY TWO YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GOT SICK
I CALLED A DOCTOR - WHO CAME TO THE HOUSE
HE WAS KIND AND CHATTY 
FULL OF BAD JOKES
HE TOLD ME HE WORKED OUT OF CHILDRENS HOSPITAL 
WHERE - I REMEMBERED 
THIS YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING TREATED

I ASKED IF HE KNEW OF HER
HE SAID HE DID - SHE WAS IN BAD SHAPE
I ASKED HIM IF I COULD VISIT HER
HE WASN'T SURE, BUT HE WOULD TRY TO ARRANGE IT

HE DID

I WAS ALLOWED TO MEET HER 
TWO WEEKS LATER 
AT THE GLADSTONE CENTER
A HOME SEXUALLY ABUSED GIRLS
I AGREED TO VISIT THE GIRLS AS A GROUP 
WITHOUT SHOWING ANY SPECIAL INTEREST IN THIS ONE CHILD 
I STILL DID NOT KNOW HER NAME

THE NIGHT BEFORE MY VISIT
I SAW THE HANDCUFFED MOTHER ON TV
BEING LED INTO COURT
HEAVY - ANGRY - DETACHED AND SCARY
THE NEWS ANCHOR SAID SHE WAS NOT COOPERATING WITH THE POLICE
I HATED HER 

THE MORNING ARRIVED
I FELT SICK
I HAD BEEN TO PLACES LIKE GLADSTONE BEFORE 
THIS TIME FELT DIFFERENT 

THE GLADSTONE CENTER IS DIFFICULT TO FIND
IT IS COMPLETELY HIDDEN BEHIND A CHURCH
OFF A MAIN ROAD
WITH ONLY A SMALL WOODEN SIGN WHISPERING THE WAY
I WALKED DOWN THE PEBBLE FILLED DRIVEWAY 
TOWARD THE ONE STORY CEMENT BLOCK BUILDING
TINY COLORED WILD FLOWERS FOUGHT THEIR WAY 
THRU THE GRAY GREEN TANGLE OF WEEDS
A BURST OF BLUE - THE HUE OF HOPE 

I INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE STAFF
AWKWARDLY
I WANTED TO THANK THEM
BUT DID NOT

I WAS BRIEFED
THEN ESCORTED TO THE THERAPY ROOM
TWENTY GIRLS - AGED 5 TO 17 
WERE SITTING IN A CIRCLE

TRYING TO CONJURE UPON THEIR FACE 
THE EMOTION WRITTEN ON THE CARD 
IN THE THERAPISTS HAND
HAPPY - CONCERNED - SHY - SAD - ANGRY

THERAPISTS DETERMINED TO RECONNECT THE CUT WIRES 
INSIDE THE HEARTS AND HEADS OF THESE KIDS
TO PULL THEM BACK FROM THE ABYSS 

I WAS INTRODUCED
SOME GIRLS WERE EXCITED TO SEE ME
OTHERS TOTALLY DISINTERESTED
THEY ALL HAD QUESTIONS

”YOU IN THE FLINTSTONE MOVIE?”
“DID YOU COME IN A LIMO?”
“YOU LIVE IN A MANSION?”
“WHY YOU HERE SEEING US ANYWAY?”

I TOOK A BREATH
I TOLD THEM I WAS THERE BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEM
BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO KNOW THEY HAD VALUE
THAT THERE WERE MANY ADULTS LIKE ME
WHO ONCE WERE KIDS LIKE THEM

I TOLD THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES 
TO KNOW THERE WERE MORE GOOD PEOPLE THAN BAD
THAT THERE WERE GROWN UPS 
WILLING TO FIGHT FOR THEM
TO PROTECT THEM - TO LOVE THEM
I WAITED FOR A RESPONSE......

THEY ASKED IF I KNEW RICKY MARTIN 

DURING THE Q AND A I SPOTTED HER
THE GIRL FROM THE NEWS STORY
NOONE POINTED HER OUT - I JUST KNEW
SHE WAS HARD TO MISS
LANKY - BEAUTIFUL AND OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING
WITH A ROUND FACE - BROWN HAIR AND HUGE EYES 
SHE BOUNCED IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM 
ON AND OFF OF CHAIRS AND LAPS 
SHE WAS MANIC BUSY

SHE PAID NO ATTENTION TO ME
FOR MOST OF MY STAY 
SHE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM 

MY VISIT WAS WINDING DOWN 
I TOOK A POLARIOD WITH EACH GIRL
AND GAVE EACH A BEANIE BABY 

AS I STARTED TO LEAVE 
SHE WALKED BACK IN THE ROOM 
THE STUFFED ANIMALS CAUGHT HER EYE
EVERY KID HAD ONE
SHE ASKED - IN SPANISH - IF THERE WAS ONE FOR HER
THERE WAS
SHE CHOSE ONE - CUDDLED IT - AND LOOKED UP AT ME
AFTER A MOMENT - ASKED IF I WANTED TO SEE HER ROOM
I GLANCED AT THE THERAPIST
WAITING FOR APPROVAL
SHE NODDED

THE BABY/CHILD PUT HER TINY HAND IN MINE 
AND LED ME DOWN THE HALL 
THE LAST ROOM WAS HERS 
OLD WOOD BUNK BEDS - A SMALL DRESSER AND A DESK

SHE PUT THE BEANIE BABY I GAVE HER 
BESIDE TWO OF HER OWN
HER DOCTOR GAVE HER THOSE - SHE TOLD ME PROUDLY 

THE ONE WHO STICHED HER UP - I THOUGHT

ONE BEANIE BABY WAS A DOG 
THE OTHER TWO BEARS WITH CLOSED EYES AND FOLDED PAWS
SHE TOLD ME THE BEARS MOMMY WAS DEAD
SO THE BEAR WAS VERY SAD
YES - I TOLD HER - THE BEAR MUST BE SAD
SHE GAVE A NON CHALANT NOD

I GAVE HER THE EXTRA BEANIE BABIES 

WHEN WE WERE LEAVING 
I ASKED IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF US
FOR ME TO KEEP
SHE SAID YES AND WE POSED TOGETHER

SHE STARTED TO WALK AWAY
I DID NOT WANT HER TO GO
I SAID IN BAD HIGH SCHOOL SPANISH 
“I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.” 

SHE LOOKED CONFUSED
HOLDING THE BEANIE BABIES UP FOR ME TO SEE - 
TO REMIND ME - I HAD ALREADY GIVEN HER SOMETHING

I REACHED INTO MY POCKET 
AND HANDED HER A SMALL WHITE STONE
THE KIND YOU GET AT NATURE STORES
POLISHED AND INSCRIBED
ON THIS ONE
ONE WORD - LOVE

“QUANDO TU MIRA ES, ENTIENDES TE QUIERRO”
WHEN YOU SEE THIS - KNOW I LOVE YOU

SHE LOOKED AT THE STONE - SMILED 
HUGGED ME AND WALKED TOWARDS THE DOOR
SHE STOPPED 
AND WITH A LONGING BACKWARD GLANCE
ASKED MY NAME
IT HAD BEEN A WHILE SINCE ANYONE ASKED MY NAME

RO - I TOLD HER
SHE NODDED AND POINTED TO HER CHEST
KASSANDRA - SHE SAID
I NODDED
SHE WALKED AWAY 

THAT DAY 
I FILLED OUT THER FORMS
TO BECOME A FOSTER PARENT 
IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA

STARTED THE PROCESS 
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEGUN 
LONG AGO 

ON THAT DAY 
I FORGAVE MYSELF 
FOR CRIMES THAT WERE NEVER MY OWN 
AND VOWED TO SAVE 
AS MANY AS I COULD 
AND IN DOING DO 
SAVED MYSELF 

GAY FOSTER PARENT