I search every day for new blogs to read and subscribe to.  So far, I've found about a dozen, like this one, written by a Welsh-Armenian woman in Passaic, or  this one, written by a young Inuit woman, or this, by a woman whose wit and charm never fail to amuse me.

My list of OS favorites, unfortunately, is fairly short. 

That is because, to my disappointment (though not to my surprise), too much of the time you people suck balls.

As a fantastically successful journalist, published author of several well-reviewed - and published, did I mention they've been published?  - books,  and  all around disapproving schoolmarm, I'm really fussy. I mean, really, really, ree-heeelly fussy. My attention is already thinly sliced between self-congratulation, searching every day for new blogs to read and subscribe to, free-lance origami,  and my life - which, by the way, is infinitely more fulfilling than y0urs.

For me to devote further attention to your work, I need, and must have, a powerful reason to give you -- pathetic as your scribblings usually are -- my most precious resource.

My time. You'd think the fact that I spend so much of it searching every day for new blogs to read and subscribe to means I don't really have anything important to do, but you'd be wrong. As usual.

Anyway, this is why so many of you suck so badly:

The blog is too personal. If I can't tell, within one or two sentences, what you're talking about, I'm gone. What the previous sentence had to do with the blog being too personal I can't say, but it tickled me because I got to write "I'm gone." I thought about writing "I'm outta here" but that's entirely too colloquial.

It is riddled with spelling mistakes or bad grammar. I have no time to read material which, while it may be interesting for its message or its originality, shows insufficient anal retentiveness.  

It's boring. Frankly, that is because you are boring. If you were more interesting I wouldn't have needed to include this one.

It's unoriginal. Since everything has already been said before, usually by someone more talented than you, it's not what we say but how we say it that will intrigue readers and keep them returning.  For this one it's useful to remember that style trumps content.

It never goes meta. I admit it, I'm  a big fan of meta posts -- posts about blogging. Because, as I may have mentioned, I search every day for new blogs to read and subscribe to. The only thing that interests me more than blogging - and perhaps myself - is writing that is about blogging.

You don't write about free-lance origami.  Things which interest me are fascinating, so if you don't write about them you can expect nothing from me but disdain.

Your fans are too gushy. I read comments carefully, sometimes hundreds of them, to see who's reading your blog. If  you can't keep commenters from being too fulsome in their praise, you are obviously complicit in it and therefore beneath me.

You're not funny. Though I myself have no discernible sense of humor, if you can make me laugh, I'm yours for life. Seriously!

You fail to move me. If your blog is focused on personal material, I want you to make me feel something -- how sad you are, how thrilled you felt when. Make me laugh or cry or get angry! Of course, since I've already stated that I don't read posts which are too personal, how sad or thrilled you are isn't likely to make me laugh or cry or get angry because I don't bother with that sort of self indulgent crap.

You don't revise or edit your work. How often do you bang it out, in an urgent frenzy to share your views with the world, and hit "publish" right away? If this is your automatic habit, time to re-think, loser.

You spend too little time describing your accomplishments. This one is critical. If I'm going to expend my precious time on your blog, I expect it to be replete with discussions of how many books you've had published and just how generally fantastic you are.

You never use visuals. A sea of words is tedious and lacks imagination, just like you.  One would think, given that I'm obviously a person of  superior literary taste, I'd be happy with the written word alone, but visuals, as I've learned in my career as a phenomenally successful journalist, can make or break an article. Just ask Bat Boy.  

You never link to anyone else's work or ideas. No one is that fascinating, especially you.  Show me who else you enjoy, preferrably someone as talented as me, or failing that, some woman who's Welsh-Armenian or Inuit.

You think the medium is cool enough on its own. Not for me. I come from the media of print, having worked for three major daily newspapers, so please don't presume to think anything you do is cool enough on its own.  I was an editor at four monthly magazines, so my sense of what's cool trumps yours.  Every journalist I have ever met is acutely aware of one thing -- intense and growing competition for their work. You too, though you're fairly pathetic, need to be aware of that competition, and of the fact that my time is extremely valuable.  Writing has to be not too personal, perfectly edited, rich with visual content, about origami, and just generally amazing, stupendous, fantastic, and stunning,  or as close as someone like you can get, to win my attention.

I expect no less from your blog.