Aw come on, Drew - these are unhappy people with serious problems: a lonely person who is devastated by a loss that's BIG to him, and a woman dealing with the day-in and day-out and forever problem of an autistic child. Their cri-de-coeurs are interesting to some of us - better than the old Dr. Amy or that weird Testes-Harder person. What would you like to see on the cover?

I know






right

Someone named "fumigation" just joined OS at 10:53, perhaps they'll see your post and have some solutions to offer.

You have a shrieking dead pet? Perhaps it's only halfway dead, give it a gentle shake and see. Rated with sympathy.

Myriad, you unrepentant devil worshipper, how dare you question my judgment! I have no problem with human interest stories, but isn't there any other genre of post that's cover-worthy? What about politics? How about social commentary? Music? Art? It seems to me there are a lot of things happening that transcend the problems of the random assortment of OS navel gazers who make the cover on a given day. Are deeply depressed people and the parents of children with Asperger's (and such-like stories) the only folk worth having on our OS portal to fabulosity?

See my comment on the above-referenced post, re: your comment.

Second only to the servers, the cover is crap. Of course there is also the spam.
Rated.

Rated for accuracy.

Eh, give 'em some grace, this isn't People or Us ;).

Rated for diversity.

Tired ass covers ... so, it is my job to dig for real art like a dog in search of china? What a riot- selectors wish they were at PsychologyToday/Town&Country hybrid.

Auwe (Alas)

Good point Seer; OS isn't People Magazine, and I'd despise it if it was. But surely there is room for other sorts of posts than the ones we usually see on the cover; wouldn't you agree?

UncleChri, Scylla, Badscot; thank you for getting what I was trying to say here.

L'Heure Bleue, I've shaken it and it only flops around randomly. Perhaps it's pining for the fjords...

Amy, new to Open Salon; welcome. There is room for any kind of writing under the sun on this site; I just wish there was room for more than tabloid stuff on the cover.

Trig: ...

You actually waste time going to the cover page?

Oahu, that's what I'm sayin...

Ardee, you make a good point. I've just been away for a while and I thought I'd look at the cover to get started and then everything got all weird...

sorry for the seeming snarkiness, it's just that the cover hasn't been worthwhile for some time. What with the spam and the part-time editors, it's laughable.

Your "Vomit Powder and Love" post was the best satire I have ever read on Open Salon. I laughed when people thought it was real.

----I have access to all sorts of assorted juicy, grave, and awful things, being a ghost in someone else's head and all . . . and I would never think of airing them out there for all to see. Dead pets? Pshaw. How about a dead mother at nine? Alcoholic father anyone? How about a dead alcoholic father with zombie Asperger's syndrome? It makes him throw up his brains all over the place. Ah, pain . . . 'tis the balm of a sadistic society. Or something like that . . .----

----And what happened to your tongue?----

Commentary#9, I find you morbid and off-putting and have added you to my favorites list.

Miguela, "Vomit Powder and Love" was an achingly honest cry from the heart!

Ardee, I didn't take it as snark but rather as common sense. Thank you.

Yup. One of the reasons you barely see me around here any more.

what scylla said. oh, and miguela. (you should repost that or the other one with the several-hundred-long comment string in the interest of wacky coolth or something.) and hilarious bleue, too.

oh, and let's hear it for compelling and diversity, while we're at it.

and i love myriad (you know i do, M), but i'd rather see dr. amy. she at least was someone we could all yell at and she'd yell back. and while she may have been a real idiot, she wasn't stupid. a distinction that is, ahem, sometimes lost these days. and, yes, for those of you saving up your rotten tomatoes, heave away. it'll take you ten minutes to reload this page. it will be a test of patience. there will be prizes.

You missed the frequent political discussion that has been going on here, this month.

Shiral, there were discussions? If only those bad clams I ate hadn't kept me from taking part! (in my defense, they were really bad clams)

Voicegal, Candace, I'm trying to reply to your comments but OS keeps

I think the West Virginia post with the cool photos, excellent video and engaging narrative should be on the cover. My sense is they might wake up to this fact tomorrow. Emily ...?

Hey Drew, according to the ad on your fine blog post, kids eat free at IHOP 4pm to 10pm!!! :D

Fuck the cover, the cover is dead, the real meal ticket is in the EPs! Wait, what?

No, no, I'm not sure what the fuck the point is, write, have fun, let the mother fucking world burn around us while we dip our toes into the waters of the seas!! Woooo!!!

:D

An old hand like me hardly pays any attention. We all know how to get in and out of the neighborhood. Of course the problem is, how do we know what we're missing?

IHOP? there's an IHOP ad on -- crap, now even the ad is a grey space. I bet IHOP demands a refund for *that* one. Which reminds me, the last time I ate at IHOP I got the

Scarlett, isn't West Virginia where the hillbillys live? As much as I like possum grits I think I'll pass.

Tink, ONL, you both sicken me. Thank you for that, I was almost feeling like the bad clams were behind me.

Candace, IHOP is where the people who've grown weary of the dried vomit on the walls at Waffle House go.

Are you referring to my python? She barely makes a whisper. And what's this about Huevos Ginormous? Suddenly I feel the need for an omelet.

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!
& -+= ?`
The crew?
Loco evil!
3rd try `
there ill.

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!
& -+= ?`
The crew?
Loco evil!
3rd try `
there ill.
they love
cash flow
ho ho ho
Oy whore.
four! ball!
Try 4- times?

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!
& -+= ?`
The crew?
Loco evil!
3rd try `
there ill.
they love
cash flow
ho ho ho
Oy whore.
four! ball!

Try 4-times?
Disneyland?
insufficient?
O such glee?

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!
& -+= ?`
The crew?
Loco evil!
3rd try `
there ill.
they love
cash flow
ho ho ho
Oy whore.
four! ball!

Try 4-times?
Disneyland?
insufficient?
O such glee?
New Jersey?
blow sax too!

Congrats on the EP nobel prized dead rodent pick.
I am sad because I saw a spotted baby Bambi deer.

My favorite 'leprechaun' was run over. P.U. truck.
I thought the 'leprechaun' was a rat/hamster eater.

I'm getting so hungry I cook dead rabbits on roads.
Does anyone here volunteer to debone dead deers?

The last road kill I enjoyed broke my molar tooth.
Be nice. How'd you like to be squashed by Kerry?

He get in taxi cab and runs down Open Salon farmers.
You ask. . . . "thoughts anybody?" I know he sadistic.
&
&-+= and he/staff won't let this nice comment go too?
Try `gin!
& -+= ?`
The crew?
Loco evil!
3rd try `
there ill.
they love
cash flow
ho ho ho
Oy whore.
four! ball!

Try 4-times?
Disneyland?
insufficient?
O such glee?
New Jersey?
blow sax too!
`
`
P.S.
I'm off to bed.
Nice EP pick.
Wake me up.
Call 9-11 too.
Tomorrow?

And remember, when Art James multi-posts comment on your blog, it means, Hillary Clinton is getting laid, right at that moment!! ~TEARS~ I'm soooo happy!!!

~wanders off for some free pancakes~ Cause I'm a kid!! Teehee!!

please, politics nowadays seems more sad than dead pets or difficult neural wiring
WTF? every other country in the middle east falling to revolution? The conservatives must be shitting that it isn't happening on their watch.
I'm pretty sure the dictatorships sucked, dictatorships always do, but what comes next?
It better not spread here. We've got tons of suck, but revolution is worse.

C’mon, c’mon, you can’t bitch about the cover then let you own page get in a mess like this. Some repeats need erasing and the spam ads have gotta go....!

ᴼᴥƪ
.

I was just thinking the same thing this morning.

Yeah, because it was so much better when we got the serial divorce posts and new vagina maintenance tips. What Myriad said.

I remember those new vagina maintenance posts! Ew.

Actually, I don't disagree with your thoughts about the cover, especially since it does feature photo blogs FTTT but has neglected a couple of recent nice ones. What I really reacted to was what sounded like contempt for the unhappy couple of posters you singled out, and I very much hope they don't see this post. Rail against the cover, but easy on suffering souls...

hello everyone,im wholesale supplier online
Believe you will love it.
very good shopping web.

You love sheep balls?
I love sheep balls too!
Who knew?
YOU KNEW!

Everybody happy,
even toads happy,
They never happy!!

How fab?
YOU FAB!
GET RIPPED IN FOUR WEEKS, GNC!!!

:D

Really? You have to single out, and hurt just a little more, people who are already hurting? Really?

I think you need to go to each of those offending posts and leave a comment. Something like, "This really sucks and should not be on the cover. Who do you think you are? Your little attempt at "writing" is completely worthless and is a waste of anyone's time and attention. Please go and kill yourself now so you won't be on the cover anymore."

Go ahead. Put your money where your mouth is. Those folks obviously need to be put in their place. And all of their readers too.

Well I guess I spoke too soon. You actually did drop some verbal turds on those particular posts. You must be so proud.

*punches Drew in the arm- hard* wtf is wrong with you? sorry to jump on the bandwagon (and I'm still leaving the rate) but.....REALLY?

Expectation is a plan for disappointment my friend. Anybody who can type will get on the cover these days. I could post about something faux artsy, embed some important images, and deep within the fourth paragraph, in tiny 8 point type, write "bite me". It would make EP/cover with "bite me" intact and unedited. You know it would. This is it these days, what we have here. Rome fallen.

Rome has fallen, but I do miss those vagina maintenance tips of yore.

Freedom is a beautiful thing. Anyone who's so inclined is free to blog about her/his pain; the editors are free to put whatever they like on the cover; I'm free to be mildly disgusted by it; any0ne reading this post is free to be offended; and so it goes.

I used to be OCD and liked it, the only thing I could say about it was I wish more people were more orderly. I dislike the cover, it's very messy.

I missed those other posts, what happened to the old vaginas?

Mumbletypeg was referring to something from long, long ago, in the Gone Before Time. There was an OSer in those days who'd just had a vagina installed and who blogged in graphic detail about it - some no doubt thought that was TMI, but if they were smart they kept their mouths shut. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

i just love it when you speak frennnnsh. and i'm so glad i missed the New Vagina post. so. glad.

HA, look who the national catastrophe of the earthquake
that if it coulda got its act together
mighta solved all our washington dc problem

has
unearthed!

hope yr python not curled in an anxious ball.

HA, look who the national catastrophe of the earthquake
that if it coulda got its act together
mighta solved all our washington dc problem

has
unearthed!

hope yr python not curled in an anxious ball.

It was a series of posts, Candace. They're possibly still floating around OS; if I find them I'll shoot you a link.

She weathered the quake fine, James, though her reactive attachment disorder is worsening by the day.

I still don't understand what happened to her old vagina. I don't speak french, is this something happening in France? The world moves so quickly it makes my head spin, it's hard to keep up.

Actually there were two vagina monologues. One was a continuing saga with updates on the new installation and one was a trending alert about BeJayJaying or something , diamonds on your vagina in case you needed, well, a little help looking pretty or alerting someone to where the goods were.

( I was reading them for a friend I know with a problem.. OK?)

You have a good memory Rita! Didn't the coochie diamonds lead into a post about anal bleaching?

Anya, I'm not sure how to say this, but there was no previous vagina. The blogger in question had changed teams, so to speak, so it was necessary to alter the plumbing accordingly.

oh sorry whoops you were back...
'fuck me' as they say for not noticing.
i blame os.

i am usually an elegant gentleman of means & ways
who doesnt dare upset the apple cart
(it shook in the quake of oh-11)
but i gotta agree...

sap runs down to the folks who are already
diabetic.

sugar, i want a light.

to light my ciggy butt.

...............................
loneliness, like psychotic patriotism, is a good excuse
but not a sufficient one.

p.s. hey, vaginas don't talk! or..do they?

I must go through the archives! I missed that one. I may have been having my coffee one morning and decided not to go read the anal bleaching post at that moment.

It's all good, it's all explained here ---

http://www.bencourtney.com/ebooks/pig/

~hahaha~ The pig knows all!!!

That was an honest mistake Rita, but you missed a really informative post. It seems no one in LA would be caught dead with an unbleached anus, and who can blame them?

James, that's one of those questions which obscures the vagina in a shroud of mystery. Don't forget that "Om mani padme om" translates as "The jewel is in the lotus", which is Buddhist slang for, well, never you mind what it's slang for.

Thank you for that, Tink:

SQUINTY
THE COMICAL PIG
HIS MANY ADVENTURES
By
Richard Barnum
Author of "Slicko, the Jumping Squirrel," "Mappo, the Merry Monkey," "Tum Tum, the Jolly Elephant," "Don, a Runaway Dog," etc.



I didn't know you were such a fan of literature.

i know a vagina that speaks literature *and* french. i'm not saying whose it is, but you can take my word for it.

there was a major reference in the summer movie "Bridesmaids" to anal bleaching. i must say i thought i was up on all the latest until that revelation. the look of horror on mot's face was extraordinary until i told him that only women do it. (a lie, i know, but he'll never run into a guy who does, so ...)

Correct me if I'm wrong but a New Vagina post has to be at least preferable to an Old Vagina post. Yo, just sayin' ...
I don't want to give anyone ideas but one of them hasn't made the cover. Yet.

Drew, I've been known to jump into the classics!!! ~nodding~ :D

Bleached anuses and talking cooters; this thread has veered alarmingly off track, so in the interests of returning to the matter at hand, whatever that may have been, here's something about Squinty:

CHAPTER I
SQUINTY AND THE DOG
Squinty was a little pig. You could tell he was a pig just as soon as you looked at him, because he had the cutest little curly tail, as though it wanted to tie itself into a bow, but was not quite sure whether that was the right thing to do. And Squinty had a skin that was as pink, under his white, hairy bristles, as a baby's toes.

Also Squinty had the oddest nose! It was just like a rubber ball, flattened out, and when Squinty moved his nose up and down, or sideways, as he did when he smelled the nice sour milk the farmer was bringing for the pigs' dinner, why, when Squinty did that with his nose, it just made you want to laugh right out loud.

But the funniest part of Squinty was his eyes, or, rather, one eye. And that eye squinted just as well as any eye ever squinted. Somehow or other, I don't just know why exactly, or I would tell you, the lid of one of Squinty's eyes was heavier than the other. That eye opened only half way, and when Squinty looked up at you from the pen, where he lived with his mother and father and little brothers and sisters, why there was such a comical look on Squinty's face that you wanted to laugh right out loud again.

In fact, lots of boys and girls, when they came to look at Squinty in his pen, could not help laughing when he peered up at them, with one eye widely open, and the other half shut.

"Oh, what a comical pig!" the boys and girls would cry. "What is his name?"

"Oh, I guess we'll call him Squinty," the farmer said; and so Squinty was named.

please to explain the relevance of cute pigs, with or without eye problems.

i'm not saying we have to go back to the old/new bejeweled hoohaws, but i thought this started out with someone's dead bunny.

Candace, the point is, there is no point, and that's the point of the entire existance of Open, Covers and The Facebook. In fact, the entire Internet and life itself.

Besides, it's a really good book. 1915 seems to have been a good year for story telling and, the Internet, like the great savior, brings it all to us with just a search term of 'New Vaginas' on Google.

~nods~

It all ties together, Candace, for the ways of the Lord are many and mysterious. The hero of the story, Timmy, ends up accidentally freeing Squinty, who is then eviscerated by Wuff-Wuff, the neighbors' pit bull. Though everyone is sad at first, they cheer up when Squinty is roasted for a splendid feast, then they all take a lot of Xtasy and dance to techno grooves by the light of a gibbous moon.

i waaay into the pork fest and the dancing, but someone should shoot that guy who named his dog Woof-Woof.

tink, goddammit, i want a point!!! a slanty bolded point, please. but not if i have to google old vaginas to get it.

~~wanders off into nonearthquakey backyard to watch the sunset~~

.

comme ça?

Candace, no, no, no don't google 'Old Vaginas' that'll never do!!!! Sheesh!!!! Drew hit the boinkin' on the tail with a dull hammer!!!!

EXACTLY!!!

Remember, unicorns and rainbows won't come through telepathy, you have to hit a boinkin' on the tail with a dull hammer!!

Who loves you?

That's right, the dead sailor from Guam loves you. Too bad he's dead and his peepee fell off to create a new vagina!!

:D

While I disapprove of saying mean things about sad people with *real problems*, I have to admit enjoying your (and some of your friends') posts for the degenerate and obscene comments. I'd rather laugh than cry any day. (Tho I suspect anal bleaching might produce both simultaneously...am about to google this new, to me, and really quite disturbing practice.)

I just googled and found some you-tubes on the subject, including one of 'Bruno'. A whole new world has opened up for me....okay, enough, close back up already.

The comment thread on this post has established a new record of some sort. Not unlike Myriad I felt the initial subject was a little discomfiting, but the commentary has become something of a party :D.

Residuals! Do I get any residuals? Maintaining these OS memories costs. Well, mostly psychologically, but still.

Plus de jambon, plus de vin, plus de Xtasy - veux-ci rendent la vie tolérable.

Oh dear. Catching up in this thread was more information about nether hygiene than I really needed. Worth mentioning though– reframing this discussion as "Vaginal Symbolism in 19c Pig Eye Narrative Precursive to Feminism" might score you an EP and cover.

i'm all for making ma vie plus tolerable (insert accent). more parties on more comment strings with smart, funny people participating will go some way in that direction, so will request that politely.

and will implore myriad to s'ils vous plait not describe the bruno you tube demo. ever. never ever.

I don't know about skulls, but certainly one can't make an omelete without whipping some huevos.

Candace, Greenheron, I motion that we do an open call requesting essays on anal beautification techniques and their relevance in a post-digital milieu. Mumbletypeg, keep the faith; if the essays are featured on Big Salon or Orifice Lovers Monthly your residuals will likely be quite substantial.

i'm in as long as those other guys agree plus julie and rita and scarlett and mumbles and jeanette and myriad and ... we'll have the smartass kids who smoked in the bathroom during PE dominating the cover!! slanty bolds all around. arrrrgh.

This thread is still alive? I thought perhaps it died a horrible death like Squinty.
Drew I think Squinty deserves a Stygian poetry eulogy.
It's only right.

Squinty was a gentle pig
But setting him free was hasty
Oh well, let's all go dance a jig
For a swine that was so tasty

Aaarrrrggh!

DREW: great to see yr face floating down my screen again.
Threads don't die, they simply faaaaaaaaade away.
all the cool folks are on os today, it seems.
have a ball& a half!!!

All the cool folks? While I'll go on the record as noting your transcendent coolness, I haven't seen Picard-Hater69 in the feed yet today, or that one guy with the avatar photo of himself grabbing his crotch, and BigFatBabyMama is nowhere to be seen.

Please tell me more... what is your history with IS and how have you found it upon your return??\

I've found it in the normal way, I suppose. Um... what is "IS" again? If you mean "internet service" mine's not that great; if on the other hand you mean my Lexus IS, I don't have one, though sometimes I pretend my Camry is a Mercedes SLK 350.

This thread has wandered into dark regions of the human soul, to say nothing of the human anatomy. Yet, as a public service, I must remind those who are considering anal bleaching, that ammonia is a natural by-product of metabolism, and as all good homemakers know, miixing ammonia and bleach produces deadly fumes. BEWARE ye who undergo anal bleaching! The following advice comes from a reputable site:
What to Do If You Mix Bleach and Ammonia - First Aid
If you do accidentally become to exposed to fumes from mixing bleach and ammonia, immediately remove yourself from the vicinity to fresh air and seek emergency medical attention. The vapors can attack your eyes and mucous membranes, but the biggest threat comes from inhaling the gases.

And yet, I ask: How can one "remove" oneself from the source of the deadly fumes when the source is affixed to one's posterior?

I'm glad I could help in moving this thread back toward sensibility--and yes, sensitivity.

We wade in curious waters

You raise a good question BadScot, one that has echoed down through the ages: How can one "remove" oneself from the source of the deadly fumes when the source is affixed to one's posterior?

How indeed? I think John Donne came closest to answering when he said "He who smelt it dealt it."

Curious waters and... other things.

By the way, what do you think Nancy Grace's and/or Chaz Bono's appearances on Dancing with the Stars mean for the transgendered community? Personally, I think it's the greatest thing since Lady Gaga's penis, if that was actually a penis and not something Photoshopped together by someone with too much time on their hands.

Drew,

Yupperdoodles!

I would like OS to add a feature where we could rate the comments too. I would have a field day here.

Tink, I think I am in danger of falling head over heels in love with you. :)

Watch out, Diary of a Hopeful Starving Student; I too once thought I was in love with Tink, but it turned out to be a particularly virulent form of chlamydia. He wouldn't even spring for the cost of my trip to the clinic.

Drew,

Thank you for the sisterly advice. I did say love not lust though. There are other men that I am lusting after here in a literary way. I am, of course, saving myself. I am certainly not ass over tea kettle for Tink. :)

That's good; Tink has a thing for asses over teakettles. It all ties into his Mary Poppins fetish, about which the less said the better.

I am with the Hopeful Starving Student. The literature boys kick the blogger boys' asses everyday all the time.

Dear Lady,
Good sisterly advice to Diary, a new budding talent,
who does not particularly strike me as the Julie Andrews type of gal
sexually immature men often choose as a fantasy figure
to their grief .

By the way:
To celebrate the 100th anniversary of P.L Travers (author of the books)living in Bowral, an attempt was made to break the world record for the world's largest umbrella mosaic on Bradman Oval, Bowral, at 2:06pm on 7 May 2011. I do not know if it was successful.
I didn't read that far in the Wikipedia article.

To inspire you to write a post like this one?
btw, if you want to read some serious writing, check out my Hurricane Irene post. R

Trudge 164 makes commonsense.
I bet K0 Mart's 'Pet Smart' Store:
`
Has a Fancy Cold Slam Mortuary.
Some folk will stab a honest critic.
ith bad looks they wish you a slab.
Creep will stab you.He lay on slab.
Kerry etc., symbolize `Pure Evils.
The editor's ad say buy` Tampax.
Kerry L. is just who he`chooses.
This morning who hacked `gins?
He love cockroaches. Behave, ay.

oh, nnnnno, no no. trudge is post-pimping a cannonball thing and art's talking about tampons. i see some very serious off-tracking side roads potential here, and things might get skanky. but at least we've moved off of asshole whitening, a subject i want to know less about.

where's kim when we need him? on a sunny beach somewhere in thailand? pffffft.

On the Beach
was a great Neil Young album

Cars and cowgirls in the sand
no tampon applicators or condoms
like on the shoreline in the summer
but I digress Ms. Drewsilla... and must not speak of such things
unlady like things.

Drew:
The defamers of women do not especially please me,
so i have decided to inaugurate a 'Cold War' against them,
promising mutual annihilation, certainly,
if they deign to cross me.

This said, Scarlett is oddly misinformed about what is
'unladylike'. I doubt the literary crush Art James
would say so, because he simply does not understand
such fallacious thought: i.e. that women are unbiological.
Heavens! All that birthing they must do can be messy.

Heed our hero's thoughts:
he seemingly gives them out whimsically for free,
but that is hardly the case:

e.g. "Some folk will stab a honest critic.
ith bad looks they wish you a slab.
Creep will stab you."

My dad used to say such things, though more...coherently.
Pithy, to the point of seeming to be
trite.

If he could have spoken it in German , his first language,
it would have been:
"Einige Leute werden einen ehrlichen Kritiker stechen.
ITH schlecht aussehen wünschen sie Ihnen eine Tafel.
Kriechen wird Sie stechen."

I have no idea why I made this digression in dictum.
You seem to bring that out in honest God-fearing
folks.

Yours, James, who is now far more eloquent
because I damn well feel like it.

I am almost afraid to reread old comments.
I guess I can go overboard with Jabberwocky.
I even doubt some avatars are who they are?

Drew-Silla may be a male who deletes Mu blog?
Who in tarnation deleted commenter `Pedinska?
Pedinska is from the big Salon. Pedinska's petite.

She commented on my blog. She garden seriously.
She gave my grandchildren gifts. She grows trees.

Pedinska gave my son a rare tropical banana tree.
She's real. She is not a part of Open Salon's staff.

What ever happened to her comment on my blog.
Thanks James M. Emmerling. I'll learn good ingles.

No look for condoms in the Cocoa Puffs cereal isle.
I mean no offense. Drew-Scilla may be a mail man.

The feminine napkin came to mind because I was in line.
The local grocery store sells them. The woman was shy?
She said I am buying these for my bedridden husband.
He has bedsore. Her husband languishes on deathbed.

Kim is on sabbatical it seems, in southeast Asia. Has this post become the new Truck Stop? Just a little bit rougher, a little bit tougher, but with bleachy clean bums?

Kim is off gallivanting in Asia but there can be only one Truckstop.

You can go overboard with Jabberwocky any time, Art, and I'm very sorry about Pedinska.

Thank you all so much for your support in this, my time of tribulation. What with the shrieking pets and Chaz Bono and all, I... I... I...

drew, drew, wait. hold it together, woman. i know the thought of chaz bono is shredding your virtuous intentions, but you can get through this, i promise. here, hold onto this blanket that has the picture of madonna and child woven into it by orphans in uruguay during the waning phase of the moon. it will be, sob, a comfort.

Thank you, Candace, thank you more than I can say. Words can't suffice to express my gratitude for the kindness and support I've so often received here in Open. Is the blanket made from natural, organic fibers and colored only by plant-derived dyes? Were the orphans... clean? It's just that, working as I do in a daycare center, I've developed an allergy to dirty children. I don't hate them per se, but sometimes we turn off the security cameras and slam the little monsters around a bit just to show who's in charge.

It's posts like this that ensure you'll never make the guest list at events like the imaginary Open Salon Labor Day cook out. How do you live with yourself?

(check your inbox; I've sent you the screenplay for a project I'm working on, Virtual Vixens IV: Blogging Babes Gone Bad)

nope, not clean. not enough money for soap at the orphanage after we spent it on burgers and surge protectors (not to mention extension cords) for the holiday weekend cookout. we do dip the LDs (Little Dirties) in the scummy pond once a month. keeps 'em from being cranky.

*shakes up margarita* *salts glass* *pours* *sips* sigh...life is good

Drew is probably out drinking real margaritas ...bitch.

It's so hot and f@#$ing humid here today, I don't dare go out side to b-b-q (even if I was invited). Instead I'm staying inside with an intravenous tube tied up to Jimmy Buffet's margarita machine while I'm wasting away again in Marijuana-ville.

Caveat: I only do this on Saturdays of Labour Day weekend.

No margaritas for me yet, alas, though I was just heading out to stock up on party favors. 'Til I return, here's a word to the wise; if Trey offers you a drink turn it down unless you have an agouti fetish and/or a high tolerance to rufies. {{{HUGZ}}}

ppfftt! if i had a nickle for every BBQ i didnt want to go to that i wasnt invited to...

For not being invited to CrankyPuss's east coast elitist barbeque I plan on writing a vicious response that will be published by Whoreanna Fuckington. In it I will chronicle the best day in CrankPuss's life--The day when his sister's pregnancy test came back negative. I am going to drink a lot today and share the real me with this collection of poster children for birth control. I may get into telling crude, Idaho jokes that will make you all gag.

if people would stop dropping by the hacienda and expecting food, i would be here whipping up luscious bites for y'all. as it is, they're hunting me down from the back 40 - i can hear 'em - even as i sit here with a halloween mask on, pretending to be a real writer. pffffffft.

go see Spotted Mind!! she put a great audio piece and some ass-kicking comments on her blog! first time in forever! i love that woman.

Labor Day OS BBQ?
I am the most elite fucker on the East Coast,
that is for certain, yet: no invitation. It may have gone
elsewhere. To my previous address. The "Ladies' Sober House"
next door. Some of my mail still gets there.

I am ambivalent about Labor Day. I have a spotty employment
record, and thus I feel I shouldn't celebrate too too much.

Buffy got a new show, by the way, on one of those obscure networks.

I am starting to wonder what the f-k Dr. Spudman's
medical credentials are.

I heard y'all bitches were having a party. Thank gawd I bought ***two*** boxes of wine at the state store.

It's true Nana. You people are all losers and aren't even remotely deserving of being invited to that made-up party. You sicken me.

Good thing i have this blog.
I learn stuff about people.
Like: what are 1irritatedMom's credentials?
Good heavens.
also: be it made up
or real, D., doesnt it hurt the same
not to be invited?
I am reeling.

i didnt even know there was another party that i wasnt invited to, till i got invited to this party for all the smokin in the bathroom, not givin' a crap, cussy-pants bad kids.

but so far not one illegal substance has been passed mt way... wtf kinna bad kids party is this anyhow?!?

James-my credentials are impeckerbull--It is not allowed to question me about such things here--Did you not know? Well, if you must... I received a mail order PhD from Liberty University which means I can operate on small animals, give sexual counseling, admire myself, oogle college age women with no possible repercussions from the law, drive a casino bus filled with blue-hair seniors and am also a Reverend. Wow! I think a name change is in order--The Rev.Spudman44--watch out Christopher Hitchens, and Dawkins there's a new metaphysical badass in town.

Lorianne--sneak over here. I got medical hashish and I share.

Drew's been in the thorazine again and ain't gonna do nothin but abuse people. I'm havin' an alterna-party at my place; anti-psychotic prescriptions are optional.

i brought homemade tortilla chips and E-Z cheese. should go perfectly with annie's box wine. and whatever that lovely stuff is that spud's sharing.

someone should go tell rita. nana?

Your... you're all... your... what is EZ cheese?

thanks drew for helping me rip the lid off this dr spudman
and reveal him to be a metaphysical doctor,not a human one.
ez cheese is lazy people's cheese.
gooey & ready to nourish your f-ed up systematics.

My systematics are fine, but cheese of any sort disambiguates my epiglottis.

I received my PhD from the School of the Franklin(Mint). You can ask them!!!

Humblest of Wimmin,
Yes, this was my worst fear. A cheese-induced disambiguation. Of epiglottis or , in some rare cases, the esophagus itself, which, if fed
the foul product, will branch off into two esophagi, one leading to your tummy, the other to your kidneys. The ensuing urination is not so much painful as freaky-deaky...but urologists have been alerted via email from Dr oz, ophrah's HEIR APPARENT.

Jim, most helpful of gentleman bloggers...

Thank you for the diagnosis, Jim, or is that a prognosis? Or just gnosis? The thing is, due to an unusually narrow phylactery my anterior frobisher sometimes endocrinally obviates the humors in my islets of Langerhans.

Dr. Podd, are you a veterinarian? If so, could you make my dead pet stop shrieking?

That Mr. Podd ain't no doctor, I went to his office for a rectal examine, and instead of checking my eyes, he shoved his hands up my ass!!!!

My goodness! I can see why that would make you Cranky, but maybe that's the traditional greeting where Samuel comes from. It's best not to judge a man 'til you've walked a mile in his shoes or at least had him thrust his hands up your posterior.

Drew, god almighty! Is it narrower than 4.5 millimeters? If so,
there is not much hope, as your dr hopefully told u.
Phylacteries can be widened by a semi-surgical procedure,
which is, alas, often sought out by those with plenty wide ones,
just for the experience. They cannot anaesthetize you, alas.
J

I'm not worried on that count; life itself is my anesthetic. A hermaphrodite I met at a rave in Seattle prescribed ketamine to balance things out, but sadly the AMA frowns upon such medicaments. In the years since, I've come to rely on yoga and abusing homeless people downtown to keep my condition from worsening, but there is a limit to what nontraditional medicine can achieve in these situations.

I am sorry for the loss of your pet.

Thank you Bedelia. This has been a hard period for me but I think I'm healing now.

try climbing yggdrasil! ha, sorry.

Climbing trees can be dangerous - I'd rather bathe with Ofnir in the Well of Urðarbrunnr. That or shop at Neiman Marcus.

O YOU AGAIN!good.
i am getting so bored looking at Cigna's next move
on the stream, not to mention all these sports enthusiasts
who show up on the weekend enticing me to watch homoerotic
displays of ballet like male violence.

where did we leave off? oh yeah, trees.
climbing them is a boy's thing. girls can't mathematically
maneuver up them, cuz their brains are different, and they got
no spatial hand eye coordination. See my article in New England
Journal of Medicine, this month.

It's true, a woman's spatial hand-eye coordination is so limited that tasks such as tree climbing are nearly as difficult for her as starting wars or giving a shit what happens during a football game. On the plus side, we're good at repetitive tasks such as ten key by touch or grinding corn on a metate or faking orgasms.

well at least u is good for something, ha.
sorry.

eyehand coordination is needed in the world of fast paced
people. i used to live there. then i retired from it.. now i am
trying to make a comeback there.

fast is good, and slow is bad.

this unfortunately translates down into the only realm
where we girls and boys seem to have any
common ground. sex.

oh well.

monkeys are fast. elephants are slow.
elephants and monkeys get along ok
if the monkey rides the elephant.

ps what the hell became of art james?

The new vagina writer was Elena Kelly. I liked learning about the trials of transgender people and wonder why you were all so put off by it.