I had an odd dream last night. In it, I was tied with silk cords across a giant wheel of triple cream brie. There may or may not have been a Princess Leia-type metal bikini involved, but I do remember that George Clooney, Kurt Cobain, Charlize Theron and Henry Kissinger were standing around me discussing whether the cheese would be best on a saltine or a Ritz, while I was screaming "Just eat it with a Carr's you fucking Philistines!"
The discussion went on for quite some time, but the details are irrelevant to this post. Suffice it to say that, as so often is the case in these situations, I woke up wanting to have sex with pudding. Not sex with pudding, exactly, but sex involving pudding. At first I wasn't sure what flavor would be best, though I quickly ruled out butterscotch and pistachio - the idea of being smeared with dookie-colored or bilious-green pudding was anything but a turn-on, so after some thought I settled on tapioca. Throughout my childhood, Mother refused to serve tapioca for dessert - she was unrelenting, always claiming it reminded her of bad caviar, so fornicating with it slathered on my lascivious, writhing body seemed like a good way to get back at the old sow.
I'm not the sort to leap before looking, and it occurred to me that having tapioca on myself and my lover would be one thing, but having it, ahem, in me might be another thing entirely, so before doing anything rash (or catching a rash) I did what anyone would do - I Googled.
That's where things got weird; it turns out there's a sizable body of online advice about what can happen when foodstuffs are mixed with copulation, but most of it is written by subliterate fuckwits who apparently have nothing better to do than ask and answer stupid questions on Yahoo. For instance, I was startled to read this:
Vixen1984 asked: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT NORMAL FOOD ON THE VAGINA AND IT GETS INSIDE?
I am just wondering because my fiance thinks putting food onto the vagina is okay, and if it gets inside I can always wash myself out right after, and it'll be alright.Now I think you can get maggots and such. Who is the most right, me or him?
Maggots? Sweet Jesus, I had no idea! Fortunately, one of the other commenters let Vixen1984 know that, while food in the cooter can lead to infections, "Washing yourself out will disrupt the harmonious environment that your vagina self-maintains." Ah yes, the self-maintaining vagina; what would we do without it? Anyway, the advice continued on a different thread:
Cabal32 asked: CAN INSERTING THINGS LIKE CANDY OR MILK INTO WOMANS VAGINA HAVE ANY BAD EFFECTS?
My wife (34) and me (32) decided to spice things a bit with candy, milk, whipped cream, but I wonder if this can have any bad effect on my wife's sexual organs.
Proud Flagger replied: yes it could because those are for the mouth, not the other mouth.
[touché, Proud Flagger]
Sabrinae replied: That is bad effect put the foods in the vagina. There is good chance getting a infection.
There was much back and forth in this vein, and the consensus was that food in a woman's private parts, especially dairy products or anything containing sugar, can lead to infections. My tapioca fantasy was beginning to look a little rancid, but, undeterred, I forged on:
mariposa asked: IS IT BAD TO PUT YOGURT INSIDE YOUR VAGINA?
I heard yogurt was good for yeast infection but someone told is bad to put food inside the vagina. Is it safe?
The BEST ANSWER, CHOSEN BY VOTERS, was from Ricky, who replied: Only if you don't follow it up with a popsicle or two. Also, Dale L said: A vagina is a VERY controlled state between acidity and bacteria. If you have too much bacteria you get an infestation, but if you don't have enough bacteria you get a fungal infestation.
Finally, a scientist: the opposite of acidity is bacteria, everyone knows that. After all this research I was certain I didn't want any infestations, let alone of the fungal variety, but then I saw an interesting link on one of the threads that was maybe worth exploring:
Rawrrr asked: IS IT NORMAL TO STORE FOOD UP MY ANUS?
I came into this weird habit about 2 years ago where I store food up my anus. It doesn't hurt, and it keeps my food warm. I will put stuff like spaghetti and lasagna up my butthole, to save for later. It keeps it fresh. Could this become a health problem?
__________________________________________________________
Fuck it. I've already arranged a date with Cody for tomorrow night; before he comes over I'm going to pick up a quart of gin and a shower curtain and five gallons of tapioca from Costco. With any luck you won't be hearing about the resultant infestations on Yahoo Answers...
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
DiBi
Charlene Keeler
cjackbOnOpen
couch tornado
Don Rich
President Barack Obama
Salon.com
Comments
Candace, it's creepy the way the ads change depending on what's being said. Reminds me of that film "The Minority Report" and not in a good way.
I was just reading back-post. I often wonder what?
Why Scylla the Rock took his post down about Jack.
I had yogurt this morning. It was in a wooden bowl.
I was gonna eat some arugula with pinhead cabbage.
I changed my mind. Now I gulp Cleat Spring Cow Milk.
A neighbor has grass fed moo cows. Chocolate grass fed.
www.clearspringcreamery.com / Milk helps me snore more.
Art, I'm sorry to hear that Scylla took his post down; I can't imagine why he might have done so. Sadly, Yahoo Answers says on the one hand yogurt should NEVER be used down there, and on the other hand that it's very soothing and helps to alleviate burning and itching sensations. What's a girl to do?
Why not yogurt? Kills two birds with one stone.
Maggots only prey on dead flesh. Please tell me it has't been that long?
Since 9 1/2 weeks, we have gad a proclivity to associate food with orgasm.
Me, personally? Food is orgasmic, so it is lost on me.
Just make certain your OBGYN has some opening soon after.
Oh....
and good luck with that.
I'm still rereading the post, puzzling over how one puts something *on* a vagina.
Anyways, nice dream! Silk is the best. Antagonists should be Philistines whenever possible.
I have loved Tapioca since small kid times and with Honolulu now literally b-rimming with pudding shops a couple big beads are never far away ...
As to the netherworld of femininity, which is truly is the best serving platter ever conceived- why save any for later? Perfect portions por purr-fect punanis.
Kolohe Wahine!
Candace, from what I've learned by reading Yahoo Answers for several hours of my life which I'll never get back, it seems simple enough; putting candy or yogurt or what-not on the mons venus is OK, but putting dairy products all up in there can lead to de-harmonization of our most sacrosanct womanly spaces. I was tickled though by one commenter who asked Cabal32 if he planned on using a funnel for the milk.
Dianne, I find your implication that my nether regions may be "dead flesh" offensive in the extreme. Thank you for that. ;-)
You are a genius, Sir Trudge; a Twister mat would have the added benefit of keeping the tapioca or rocky road ice cream or sausage gravy from getting all over my hardwood floor!
Margaret; hard sauce seems appropriately named, given that it's made by (yes, I Googled) creaming or beating butter and sugar with rum, brandy, whiskey, and sherry. Lindsay Lohan could have learned a thing or two from the pioneers.
Candace, I think Trudge and I have a date during the next OS meet-up as long as Cody doesn't get all jealous and weird on me. He can be very testosteroni.
Grif, I am wounded to the core by Karl's disdain. :P
Now for Rawrr, may I suggest some Ben Wa Balls to strengthen his interior wall. It may help him with this food storage. If you know him personally he may be willing to lend them so you can strengthen your pelvic floor. With age things may get a tad loose but gauging from your ivory complexion you're in your early thirties, so start practicing now, you'll really please your man, and yourself, as an added bonus.
p.s. A friend of mine recommended Cool Whip -- the stuff that comes in an aerosol can for easy application. Enjoy!
Velvet Cherry
Nanatehay, if you're talking about those feculent green bell peppers: ewww. Now some chiles rellenos, that I can deal with provided it comes nowhere near my perineum. Pasillas are a different story, the pain comes with a certain wistful joy reminiscent of one's first astral projection on ayahuasca, though with less mucus.
Myriad, the Cigna ads cause me to tear up every time...
Scarlett, I deleted Sword's comment because I won't have people calling my friends those kind of names on my blog. If there are to be any vicious, unwarranted attacks here, I'll be the one delivering them.
You've become so, so, anal! And how ironic, on a blog about your vagina you turn anal.
There's just no accounting for taste anymore.
What's that I smell? Bread baking? Perhaps it's your vagina Drew, mayhaps you're harboring a wee little infection "down there" or else you've taken to using a croissant scented feminine deodorant, which is it?
It sure is!! I store water melons and Fords up mine!! What?
Good night Las Vegas!!!
Wind-up toys, Lego.
Leaf blowers, ride-on mowers, kayaks.
Garden furniture, camping gear, pencil sharpeners.
"Once you go Crème brûlée, there's no other way!"
Just say'in.
Anthony; your humor, though of a surpassing crudeness, is appreciated.
Sword of Justice; unrate me then you little weenie.
Don't dare comment on my blog again Tink until you send the child support you owe. What, you think your misbegotten brat feeds and clothes itself?
Kim: I see your point, but are you referring to regular kayaks or one of those great umiaks used by Yupik whale hunters up around Greenland? I've always wanted to mate with an Eskimo.
Apparently if you're an Eskimo you can pee in your pants, or is it wrong to say that ? I sure as hell don't want to mate with one anyway.
Or a Belgian.
someone else.
Of course the problems it could cause may be different for me than the ones it might cause you. In my case, I was only concerned about its effects on high quality latex and what would happen if the little door popped open and tapioca got in the battery compartment. I wonder if that would void the warranty on a "Super Deluxe Vibrating Gentleman's Companion".
Apparently the person I wrote to for advice misunderstood me and thought I was a woman. She informed me that it all depended upon the "use" the tapioca would have. If it is to be put "on" rather than "in", say for a delightful snack for your lover, then she saw no problem, always providing you lover is not one of those people who should always use a bib when dining.
As for "in", she seems to think it would be no more of a problem than caviar; and caviar, especially Beluga caviar, is no problem at all!
Her last word of advice, however, was to be sure that, before you went to sleep, you washed the dishes thoroughly.
I'll add one wee tip of my own. My sister was allergic to tapioca. Be sure your lover is not before introducing it to the evening menu.
.
Sigh.
Your, friend,
Heron
I have regretted putting certain things in my vag, but they were all connected to men.
Now for Kraft ...if they genetically modify your food without disclosure, imagine what they would spray on their grapes. I shudder to think. And oh... I concur with Firechick.
The sign of a good and controversial post? Even Art James wasn't sure how to run with it. "Huh?"
Eating my oatmeal while reading this... feeling confused.
I don't feel very good right now.
I suppose you're right, Kim. The pee pants thing is likely a slander started by the Aleuts, but even so the Yupik are far too fond of the letter Q. I don't think it's permissible to discuss their umlauts.
That's food for thought Skypixie. My ex-brother-in-law was electrocuted or strangled or something when his Plug-in Auto Suck™ fell in the bidet as he passed out from autoerotic asphyxiation. Luckily the incident was caught on videotape so there were no pesky murder charges.
Miguela, wasn't it Kissinger who said "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac"? I've never had turducken, though I did once run over a snake that was swallowing another, smaller snake.
Very intriguing post
rated with love
Greenheron, thank you for the inside skinny. I'm a little nervous about tonight so I may have to break out my "Nazi Baskin Robbins Girl" outfit; it's usually a guarantor of proper turgidity.
Scarlett, what do you have against German wine?
Beth, I too was taken aback by Art's initial huh, though he rallied nicely and came through in classic fashion. I hope your oatmeal had brown sugar on it.
It's odd; this post is getting lots of hits from Tbilisi. I wonder if the Georgians have a thing for tapioca.
self-cleaning, self-maintaining wonder of nature
that is the vagina, i would humbly suggest put stuff in there
that your partner likes to eat. a favorite food. for some reason,
i am impelled to offer the suggestion of chinese food, i have no idea
why. just an image that sprange up. the chopsticks could be put to
other purposes than simply extricating yummy bits from the canal.
a good solution to worry over acidity is to buy a syringe and some
pH test strips. I remember cleaning pools, and you could maybe
get one of those test kits at a swimming pool company.
I agree with Leslie, the comments are nearly as good as Drew-Silla's post.
Tr ig, that can usually be cleared up with some penicillin, though things will admittedly be ripe for a while afterward. Have you considered ChristianMingle?
Leslie; then my travails on Yahoo Answers were not in vain!
Candace, not even brown sugar could make poi edible, but the same can be said for Anne Coulter.
Exactly right, Romantic Poetess; there is a direct correlation between pearl size and pleasure, in fact there's a whole chapter in the Kama Sutra dealing with the topic.
Neil is a card, Firechick, and I'm assuming his wit is matched by his turbidity.
Emmerling.. still on the floor here. pool test strips. oh man
but don't you (or anyone else) ask james what he plans to do with the syringe.
It's true, you learn something new every day. Lots of new things to learn here. Cool Whip in a can, who'd have thought of it?
Thanks for an informative post. Bon appétit!
@linnnnnnnnnn: IKR. perfect, isn't it?
I'm with Linnn, on your "Georgia O'Keefe zone." It's brill.
Anyway, things went well last night, though we decided for now to put the tapioca on hold. If there's even an outside chance of maggots it's just not worth the risk.
in the same breath. my gosh. i dunno what to say to such
hyperbolic stuff. well yes of course i do, but i cannot say it
in a world that enjoys mz. okeefe with her pretty pretty goddam
flowers littering the art galleries. i mean, why couldnt she do one of
a penis?
what would it be, like an evil salamander, or
maybe a stick in a brook
bent by the light to look all crooked?
howza bout peanut butter, and a sweet dog?
i stuff a hollow round rubber thing with p-butter
and it keeps my nephew georgie occupied for 15 minutes.
I dunno why I am sticking around so long, ha.
Peanut butter is healthy stuff.
Gerbils would be metaphors of what, now?
Or a turtle?
I once thought everything was metaphorical of sex, then I realized it wasn’t, altho if
U squinted yer mind sideways it sure could be…no, everything is a metaphor for the CLIMB we gotta do as embodied souls making our way back to God.
God luckily is a great place to climb too cuz he forgives just about anything.
I am happy that I have ‘found God’ as they say. Missed the motherfucker a lot.
Always there, behind my eyes, up up watchin me, givin me hints.
anyway..
this post wasnt about God, twas about vaginas.
guys used to think they had teeth. ha. vagina dentata.
without eastern wisdom.
graffitti we gotta make more erudite.
it is so so predictable , to me.
yoni will eventually conquer the world, i am hoping.
lingham will sputter on.
i hope all the sexually inadequate men in the world
are descended upon by a pack of myaendids (sp?)
worshipping dionysius
like in that greek play, what was it/?
they ripped em to shreds, ha.
"the virgin refuses/off to war i go'...blake, on the cause of male
violence.
Arthur Louis to nanatehay
I suspect that you, rather than Tink, are the person who uses the pen name Drew-Silla. Care to comment?
So which is it, Drewsie, are you Tink or are you me or are you possibly someone even more heinous?
Your friend,
Bob Smith, a.k.a. nanatehay, a.k.a. Dr. Amy, a.k.a. Kerry Lauerman, a.k.a. Xavier Raoul Gomez Jr.
Drew-Silla may be a drunken Jamaican.
I doubt Drew-Silla is John Wash. Who?
Maybe Drew-Silla is a Jewish carpenter.
A good wind blows up Drew-Silla's skirt?
Silly.
If that happens I may go read @ Alter/Net.
The name sounds like a Pakistani. Who she?
I look in the mirror and wonder who in there.
No put tofu in you know where. No Use Quark.
Quark is a soft cream cheese from my neighbor.
www.clearspringcreamery.com // O Mei culpa.
Wild days indeed mummy. It's getting so goofy.
And if Drew is not a woman, then one of my crushes will need serious re evaluation
Diligent research on Wikipedia confirms there are many fruit flavored quarks.
Perhaps this is the full circle thing. 'Would you like to try a little quark on your baguette? It's for exterior use only."
or perhaps it's rough and tumble.
like some sort of an insult.
"hey there you fruit flavored quark...you talkin to me?"
Art James is correct. It's getting so goofy.
http://mrjohnclarke.com/projects/farnarkeling
For a Good Time call Nora, here : 0168 477137. Ask for Leon.
But I'm never clear myself. guilt/
Then all goes awry and we/holy/
Profane, dastardly, and smile . .\
I almost felt guilty commenting/
I don't believe in guilt at my age\
There is true moral guilt. Explain?
I can't. Sage/Idiot. Profane/Holy?
But if you're like the other 7 billion people on the planet, yes it does.
I pray to a biscuit I no be
Pitched-forked. Hail Mary
Full of Grace. Heaven Too
Nature's Gift. Manna Too
`
CEO's new god is fool gold
People can't nibble on gold
Lay me down and I go snore
Give me the break.
gubbertushed - having projected teeth
1896-1905 - It was used in a Dictionary.
bundling - that was to go to bed in clothes.
A couple wore clothes in bed. They tolerated.
Example?
It be fun to hop in a potato sack and behave?
I am not sure.
Who knows anything in these strange times?
Ay fugu fish is a delicacy. It puffs and poisons.
Poison glands must b removed before eating.
It's a fugue state?
Please ignore me.
I just goofing too.
Those words are true.
We are 21st century.
We eat poor catfish.
Not ever eater does.
Good night. heehaw.
rita? nice ladies do too use bad fuckin language!
*happy dance* can i get some puddin too? and a whizzo button?
pretty please?
anyway.
Lorianne, you get all the puddin.
and a leftover tiara, if you want it. we missed you.
but
what should.
I have work early and that thought will carry me into the night.
whatever. we all got it. except Arthur.
ask not what should not
but what
should. Ok.
but what do i know... i've never even been flagged.
oh..and ty rita... nice to be missed, ive missed being here kinna.
Maybe it was because I was so disturbed by the following:
@sky: "I'll add one wee tip of my own. My sister was allergic to tapioca. Be sure your lover is not before introducing it to the evening menu." Where was your sister allergic to tapioca? And how - and why - do you know this?
Should un-asked have a hyphen? Unasked? It looks kind of weird either way, though not as weird as Skypixie's initial advice.
Wren Dancer : that movie was called Paint Your Wagon, only it wasn't Marlon Brando it was Lee Marvin. Good movie.
"I was bo-orn undra a wandrin' star," all gravelly.
Hombre was good too, with Paul Newman.
Don't know where you get butter from, in all that, but they are both really good films.
was there butter in paint your wagon? i must have snoozed through the butter scenes but i would rather have seen a naked LeeMarvin rather than Brando....
wait...maybe not
You're thinking of that scene where Inspector Clouseau is checking into the hotel : http://youtu.be/SXn2QVipK2o
Whatever you do : don' smoke.
From the activity feed:
Rizwan Rahmani joined Open Salon. Welcome! 2:28AM
Yes, welcome, Rizwan, because there's no way you're a spammer!
wren could not have been recalling a scene from Westworld because nobody actually saw that wretched movie.
i thought it was possibly the thrashing about in the pool, WTF look on the male actors face, sex scene with Elizabeth Berkley in the movie Showgirls... but nobody saw that movie either.
NICE, Nice, niceness is over-rated especially when it hides a well-cloaked dagger. Wouldn't want to alienate the morality squad now, would we?
“Well-behaved women rarely make history.” I agree with Rita ..nothing like a well-placed "fuck" or worse. Unless you're on the Lawrence Welk diet which by the way, they coulda used .... some tapioca
tis the one with meg ryan gettin oral from someone in
some movie.
Thank you Algis, not least of all for being aware how fortunate you are.
body shaking sex
to be naughty?
Which is being unreasonable. Against the Tribe’s reason.
Today Tribe sez, ah you gotta pay to get at all these clean shining gals.
Boys say, yuh.
Buy em a drink when they need it.
I go no further, for I know tis a labyrinth, the female mind.
Be nice, be respectful to me, pleeze.
I depart on good circumstances.
Obviously no dair y product putting in the love hole.
Slurpers, these gals.
Buncha saliva and friction and explosion. Blah.
I am Stretch; it's reassuring to meet a Christian with a sense of humor. Before I embraced the dark side I greatly enjoyed the Bible study classes at my local Presbyterian church, and as I remember there were no injunctions in holy scripture against sex involving dairy products.
How'd that date with Cody go?
I just tend to think that anyone who speaks of jamming the grocery list up their ass is probably someone who talks a lot of shit.
If you got pics to prove me wrong, however, I await the post with (mastur) bated breath.