I’m fairly certain that it isn’t just my notion as a psychologist, but also as an ordinary human being, that texting has caused many of us to lose basic confrontation skills. It’s not uncommon to dump a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even announce divorce, via text. It’s in our nature to avoid confrontation particularly a personal one. Inevitably this promotes social immaturity and a lack of responsibility regarding the promises we make and the value of the person we make them to.
What if you were not given the courtesy of a face to face dumping? It used to be (not that long ago, c’mon, it was only 10 years ago that not everyone you knew had a cell phone) that a “dump by phone” was considered a massive insult. And that you, the dumpee, couldn’t believe the total disregard for the relationship and the need to be so “cold” leaving to question, “did I really know this person?” and “wow I could I be so way off?”.
Somehow we culturally by-passed the acceptability of phone dumping, straight to email dumping and moved right onto the acceptability of text dumping. No consolation from the dumper, no “last chance” dinner, no last kiss, no verbal sign off and no closure whatsoever. These dumpings are not just short-term relationships or friends with benefits but long-standing relationships and marriages!
Have you ever been text dumped? Have you ever text dumped someone? Is it that easy to blow someone off you’ve shared intimate conversations, sex or years with? Yes, relationships end but can’t we at least be civil and show some sense of empathy and morality toward one another. There are certainly people most of us at one time in our life have said, “what was I thinking” but it does make that person’s feelings less important and at some point in our own lives their is someone thinking the same about us. Humility, Humility, Humility.
“Make it an Excuse Free Day!” Dr. Leslie.
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Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
Comments
I don't really know what benefit there is to being dumped in person vs. over the phone or by dear john letter, email or text.
The person being dumped is either privy to the fact that the relationship has fallen apart or is not.
Some people react violently to the bad news and that provides a person with added incentive to avoid an in-person breakup.
If you're going to be the one doing the dumping, then you must presume that you are more important to the other person than they are to you. Given that, minimal contact may be the best way to go about things. Do you really think that it's decent to be face to face, and have them go through the longing and desire and hopeful disbelief, rather than go through that on their own, without having to feel the full brunt of who you are, right in front of them?
Comforting someone you're rejecting from your life gives them the opportunity to go into denial that you really want them gone. Being harsh and a tad bit cruel will be better for them in the long run.
Rejection--and there is no deeper cut--is, I believe, best handled less personal, and that way is either by phone or via new media, ie, email or text. Somehow I think I'd still favor phone over text b/c the latter is somehow REALLY more of a blow-off; at least by phone, you can hear the dumper's voice and gauge the nuances.
I say this after remembering my virgin phone dump from my first involvement, post-divorce. He called to say he had run into an old flame that still sparked, etc. As my heart broke, I told him he made it the most wonderful summer I ever had, and I graciously hung up--after which I cried. I took it like a lady--and, as my guy friends told me later on, he then had the guilt of having hurt a lady. In retrospect, he was far from being any kind of loss, then or now.
Sometimes "the better part of valor" is the lesser of evils--in this case, the more impersonal phone call, email or text. Just saying...
I thought, this is what Cindy Ross was talking about. I thought about the comment I would leave, which went something like this:
Dear Doc,
Don't waste your time here. This site is not accomodating to your ilk. This is a coummunity of real people with real stories and real content. Go away.
A freakin EP??????
No, a freakin FLAG.