A Message From God

     Dear readers, I got this email in my email Inbox late last night.  It indicated it arrived at 12:12:12 A.M. and contained a rather interesting message.  The Subject was only titled: A Few Words of Advice and the Sender was listed only as: Your Creator.  I tried to back track it through the IP Tracking function you can examine in most emails (if you know how) and instead of the usual IP Addresses bouncing, all I got was, “Ah ah ah ahh,” in binary and hexadecimal code.  Oh and a smiley face with a beard.

     I include it here, because that was part of the instruction.  I thought at first someone was playing a very sophisticated joke, but I checked my web email server and there was no record of the email passing through to my Inbox.  While I admit to a certain degree of skepticism on any religious claims, after having read the letter myself, I thought it best to present it to you, my fellows on Open Salon to see what you thought of it.

     Without further ado, here is “A Message From God.”

To: dunniteowl

From: Your Creator

Subject: A Few Words of Advice

Greetings and Salutations, My Children

     It has come to my attention that a lot of you are saying you’re doing things in My name and, even so, using that as an excuse, it somehow makes it alright or something.  Well let me tell you something in return.  It’s not.

     Look, let’s be clear about a few misconceptions before I really get going.  I am not, as you have implied, an All Knowing, All Powerful, All Present Being.  I’m just not.  I may be able to do things lickity split as far as you all are concerned, but time still passes.  And yes, I can move mountains, but I don’t like to show off without cause.  While I may be really, REALLY smart compared to you, my young creations, I still don’t know everything there is to know.  Seriously, how could you possibly think there’s a being out there who really can do all that anyway?  Never mind, it’s a rhetorical question.

     Now get this clear in your head.  I gave you everything you need to figure this shit out for yourself.  If I didn’t want you to figure things out, do you think I would have included being curious in your creation?  I didn’t give you all the information, because people just don’t appreciate things they’re given without effort or cause.  So use those brains.  They weren’t an accidental decorating impulse, okay?

     Jews, Muslims and Christians, listen up, I’M TALKING TO YOU, DAMNIT!  All this killing stuff?  Hey, what did I tell you the first time, huh?  Look I love you all, but this shit’s gotta stop, do you hear me?  I told each one of your groups, as my First Commandment: Thou Shalt NOT kill.

     What part of that did you fail to comprehend?  It’s simple, you hurt someone bad enough to make them stop breathing and they’re dead.  Don’t do it.  I am thoroughly disgusted with all the fighting between you.  You all worship me in different ways.  Why do you suppose I allow that in the first place?  I mean besides the fact that I can’t be everywhere at once instantly?  Because I wanted you to be able to realize that tolerance is necessary for you to get along.  If this were a report card, I’d be filling the lands with floodwaters about now.

     I swear to Man, the next time some ignorant son of a bitch shoots, bombs or tortures another in the name of Me, I’m going to fucking rain down hellfire right on top of your sorry ass, do you hear me?  I’ve had it up to Here, with this shit.  And you pacifists?  You bring this shit on yourself, where does it say anywhere in the bible that you can’t defend yourself; or that you shouldn’t?  You do know that the turn the other cheek bit is a parable or metaphor for being forgiving, right?  Man up, already.

     Men, your record on women’s rights sucks, big time.  Nowhere in the Bible the Torah or the Koran, do I say that you should make your women second-class citizens.  I ask you – nay, I COMMAND you – to honor and cherish them, to respect their views, to treat them as equals.  And what the HELL do you do with that?  You hide them, make them eat in separate rooms, clothe them like they are lepers and prevent them from simple things like voting, going out and owning businesses, letting them be educated, choose their size of family, or even to have a say in how society should be working.  Let me be clear:  You’re screwing up that whole concept of honoring and cherishing, okay?

     In the Bible you all talk about how I made the world and you in six days and you get these fools to treat that like it’s six of your days.  Why?  Does it make any less a miracle that I took longer than that?  Look, you didn’t even misquote me in the Bible, you just choose to ignore the information.  I specifically stated:  My days are not measured the same as yours.  All the days of your lives do not equal one of my days.  Does it get any clearer than that?  I live a LOT LONGER than you and one of my days turns you, your children, your grandchildren, your great grandchildren, your great-great grandchildren and their great-great grandchildren to dust from birth and it’s not even noon yet.  Get the picture?

     So yeah, I did it in what amounts to six of my days.  We’re still on Day Seven, where I’m SUPPOSED TO BE RESTING, but NOOOO!  I have to keep getting bothered by all these prayers from seven different directions by millions of people at once and it’s interrupting my beauty sleep.  Fellas, I need to get some rest.  I’m tired after all that Creation, all right?  Stop asking me to fix your shit and start asking each other to start caring for each other.  I already told you, “Yes, you are your brother’s keeper.”  What do you think the whole point of my Cain and Abel story was, anyway?

     You know if you faithful weren’t so quick to just believe the crap coming out of the church leaders’ mouths and just read the damn book your own selves, you wouldn’t be in such a pickle in the first place.  I had those books written to reach everyone, not just have a few read it and then tell you what to think about it.  Are you all really that lazy?  I didn’t make you that way and I expect from my children, especially the ones in positions to command others.

     Last thing before I close.  All this holier than thou stuff a lot of you are spouting off really irks the shit out of me.  Firstly, no-one on your earthly plane has the capacity or the authority to tell anyone else they’re going straight to Hell.  That’s my job.  And, as I prefer to praise in public and punish in private, nobody else gets told how it’s going to be for anyone else but themselves.  And that doesn’t happen until after you die.  So quit telling everyone else how godless, unfaithful and damned they are, because none of you have a frickin’ clue.

     Now I want you all to reflect on how angry I am about your terrible behavior.  I am especially ticked at those of you who claim to speak in my name.  You better start thinking for yourselves and start seriously considering how to correct the defects in your own personal lives and stop pointing fingers at everyone else.  Look in the mirror and say, “God’s not happy with me.  He loves me, but I’m still getting punished if I continue act like I have.”

     I mean it.  Don’t make me turn this world around and start over.  You won’t like it.  I promise.

Love,

Your Creator (aka: Father/Mother/God)