“You deserved to have your baby die!”
“Your baby that died – she was lucky because she didn’t have to grow up with you as her mother!”
“You’re a fucking liar!”“Let me tell you a few things, the only reason I live is for Grandma & my friends. If it wasn’t for Grandma, I'd have committed suicide.”
“I hate almost everything about you & I wish I never was born.”“I could care less about what you think & I hate that I even lived through birth.”
“You are not a fucking doctor, you miss no-it-all.”“You were never meant to have me as a daughter! I wish Deanna lived & I died. She would be your dream daughter & your devilish child, me, would not be here.”
“Let's face it! I am a burden walk'n! I am a no good nothing & was never meant to be here in the first place.”“I am no good to you & you obviously wish me the worst in life bcz obviously I have never brought joy to you as the person I am today.”
“I hate myself & wish the bastard that molested me & fucked up my mind had killed me.”“So, here it is, accept me for who I am (not a perfect angel you always wanted) or pretend I am something I never will be (the daughter you always wanted).”
The quotes above are mostly excerpts from emails I received from my daughter (the misspellings and abbreviations are hers). Some were, however, screamed at me in person.My daughter, Paige has mental illness. She has severe Anxiety Disorder. She has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She has Major Depressive Disorder. She has Attention Deficit Disorder. On top of all that, she was sexually molested when she was six years old, so she has psychological issues. She has Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. She was fourteen weeks premature when she was born, weighed only one pound, twelve ounces. She developed Retinopathy of Prematurity and sustained permanent retinal detachment in both eyes. She has learning disabilities caused by visual sensory deprivation during her formative years.
And guess what, two weeks ago, her psychiatrist diagnosed her with Asperger’s Syndrome.
It's been so hard for her with all her challenges. My heart aches for her every single day. At times she’s been so tortured and miserable and I just want the same things for her that I want for all my children; to be happy, to feel good.
But ohmigod, being her mother has not been easy. The words she flings at me, they have razor-sharp edges and they hurt. She knows they hurt, she means them to. She knows exactly what buttons to push to get maximum effect. Talking about her older sister, Deanna, who was also premature but only lived for twenty-six hours, is the easiest, most expedient way to reduce me to tears. And that, after all, is the goal. In her mind, when she’s in one of her rages, her purpose is not fulfilled until she’s elicited either sorrow or anger.
Paige wasn't always this way. She was a bright, happy girl; very affectionate and open. After she was molested, I took her to child/play therapy. I went to her school and asked her teachers to let her talk about what happened to her, to never stifle her in any way, so she would have the opportunity to work through it. Her crayon drawings showed per progress; the sun shone on a happy family again. For almost four years, she remained the cheerful, warm, engaging child. Everyone knew her, everyone loved her.
All these changes heralded the beginning of our journey through a long series of medical and mental health professionals. Psychologists, psychiatrists, clinical therapists, neurologists, gynecologists, they all offered diagnoses. Each new label was intended to direct her course of treatment but the subsequent remedies were mostly ineffective.
Now she is twenty years old and lives with my sister 60 miles away from me. She is on anti-depressant medication, and combined with the fact that she seems to be maturing a little, she seems better able to control her behavior. My sister and I are trying to get Paige into a program over there which will, hopefully, provide her with services to help her to be independent. The facility we found provides job coaching as well as supported living opportunities. We find out next week whether she’s eligible for this program.I can barely think of anything else.
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Fay Paxton
irish colleen in green
MrsRaptor
basykes
Juliet Waters
Kathy Riordan
Salon.com
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(I was 2lbs 11 oz at birth, and was born at 26 weeks). I have had spatial and mental health issues in my own life, yet through it all, my mother was always in my background, supporting me-and, no, it wasn't easy. I was so awful to her, to my great regret. I had lots of rage, and she shouldered far too much of it. More than any mother should ever have to. I'm hopeful that your days will get to be a little less heartbreaking.
~R
Rated,
Stephanie
Scanner – You’re exactly right, it was like a hormonal switch was flipped and overnight my daughter became someone else. Thanks for your well-wishes, I also hope for uncomplicated friendship someday.
Joan H – What a sweet message, thank you.
Rita – “People strike out at those they love the most.” My daughter strikes out more at me than anyone, but I always figured it was because she felt safe with me to let her guard down. I like the “love the most” concept better. Thanks for the strength and love!
l’Heure – I really appreciate the good thoughts and prayers!
TSB – Your virtual hug was felt and received! The words “in a place of knowing and understanding” brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Linnnn – I hope that’s true! And there’s nothing wrong with being a Pollyanna; positive thoughts and vibes are absolutely appreciated.
LSD – Thanks.
In the summer between her junior and senior year of high school, Paige went to live with my mother. Paige needed the quiet uncomplicated atmosphere (without her parents and brothers) and my mom needed the assistance as her health was deteriorating. This past November my mother moved into assisted living and my daughter moved in with my sister. Then in January, my mother passed away.
My sister offered to take Paige back in November because she thought she could "fix" her. I think she thought that I'd just screwed up somewhere along the way and all Paige needed was a parent who knew what she was doing. I got a long email from my sister at the beginning of March, saying that she totally understood now, what I'd gone through raising my daughter and conceded that it was not from a lack of good parenting. We then started working together to see if we could find Paige what she actually needs, to move forward and live on her own.
It's been a long road, one that I can't really fully illustrate in a blog entry. But I just want you to know how much I appreciate your friendship and support. Hugs to ya, YO.
Beyond the damn there is hope. Throw away the lists of pain she sheds onto you. They are nothing to you, only symptoms distracting you from truth. Don't hold them. It makes it too hard to be hopeful and loving when we hold all the ugliness.
Prayers for her eligibility and for your strength.
Best of luck to you both on this tumultuous journey...
The most important thing you can do is always to feel love. Never lose sight of love. Enlist others to send love to Paige. It may be the one small shred of good in this entire situation---you learning the power of love, and Paige feeling on some deep level how it is coming to her.
Believe.
Then I took a step back and looked again at your comment. Was there truth there? Yes. The hurt, the pain, it’s fleeting, insubstantial. The list I made, it was illustrative, useful only for characterizing symptoms – “symptoms distracting you from truth.” All parents experience the pains of child-rearing, pains we willingly brush away like pesky flies. My pain is not the point. Hope is.
Thank you for your input. And especially for your prayers.
Torman – ahh, the culmination of such a colorful curse! “Turn all her mother's pains and benefits / To laughter and contempt; that she may feel /
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is / To have a thankless child! Away, away!” I believe the modern-day equivalent to that curse is, “Someday you will have a child just like yourself!” Thanks, David!
Jimmymac – It’s so heartening to hear another’s story – and to hear that you’ve found your way back to becoming more than “Rose’s Dad.” Thank you so much for your input and advice!
Brie - She *is* beautiful, always has been, thank you so much for your kind words!
Deborah – Thank you for your well-wishes!
Mhold – Excellent advice. I’m a big believer, too, in the power of love. Thanks!
Kathy – Thanks, Kathy – from both of us!
the.cutest.sweetest.thing.before.reaching.ten.
It.will.be.hard.to.convince.her.you.do...
because.she.doesn't.feel.so.innocent.and.loved
anymore.
Keep.writing.like.this...
some.mama's.wouldn't.have.cared.enough.
to.do.so.
She is still very young and very well may find her way out of this dark zone. I'm rooting for you both.
i am glad you had some happy times with your daughter.
i am sorry she has been abused, has been so unhappy, has hurt you.
we cannot know the future, so it is possible she can heal and improve. it is possible she may stay just as she is, some good days, some bad ones. it is possible she will lose even that and spiral downward.
whatever the outcome, know that you love her, you protect her, and you want her health and happiness.
write. we listen and share in some small way in your love and defense and wishes for her.
and, if you lose your cool, we support you in that, too.
May I ask why you chose the name Paige for this daughter? It's an unusual name for me and I see you're preparing a family tree. It would be nice to know the significance of the name you gave her, as opposed to the 'Asperger's' and many other labels these strangers have given her. Rated.
Fernsy – Yes, you’re right. She really is still very young. She may be 20 but she’s had such a rough time of it, developmentally, that she’s only maybe 15 or 16 inside. Sometimes I forget that. Thans for your comment and support.
Dianaani – your comment was a post of its own, scattered with nuggets of truth. Of course, I most appreciated the last line! Thanks so much!
Psychomama – Thank you so much for your input, both here and in the message you sent me. As for Paige’s name, I chose it (my first choice was actually Amanda Paige, but that name was already “taken” by a friend of mine for her baby). My husband-at-the-time agreed to the name only because my roommate in the hospital heard us talking and yelled out, “Paige! I love that name!”
Aim – thank you so much for your good wishes. Yes, writing this was therapeutic, but definitely, all these wonderful comments helped the most!
Bellwether – I’m still hoping that as she continues to mature, the dynamic between us will change. It’s so hard to separate, what is the OCD, what is the depression, what is the aspergers, what is the immaturity – and what is just Paige, being Paige?? Thanks for the input and for your well-wishes!
Mypsyche – Given your current situation with your arm (yes I peeked) I’m so grateful that you typed anything at all! Thank you so much!
Monte
Well told, rated.
Thoth – Good to see you. Thanks, as always, for your good thoughts.
A friend of mine who I was in the Army with once told me that his wife, who was at that time going for her Masters degree in psychology one time was telling him symptoms that children who are subjected to sexual abuse can develope. This was at a time when Andy (my friend) and I were both beginning to come to grips with PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and what he told me was that later, after Susy had listed all the symptoms that were known to sometimes afflict the victims, he was thinking about that, and realized that they mirrored almost exactly the same sort of symptoms that we experienced as Viet Nam Vets.
PTSD wasn't well researched back then. This was in the early 80's. Today they know a lot more about it. But even then they knew that sometimes the manifestations of it didn't become apprent for years after the incident, then might come in conjunction with some sort of stress currently in the person's life. It really began hitting me some 14 ears after I was in Nam, and really ramped up just as my marriage fell apart. When your daughter first began to evidence a change in her personality was about 4 years later. You say that your daughter was about 10 when she began exhibiting changes in her personality and emotional health.
As I said, I'm no expert or doctor. But I do have some first hand experience with PTSD. And my niece, unfortunately, had first hand experience with sexual assault which she now says emphatically was rape, not "molestation."
You said that Paige began manifesting these changes some 4 years later. That would be in keeping with many people's experience with PTSD. And some of the symptoms, the disorders you mention are likewise connected to PTSD. I wouldn't rule it out as a major cause of Paige's problems now, resultant from her experience as victim of a sexual predator when she was 6 just because they only began showing up some 4 years later. And of course we all have other stresses on us throughout life as well to compound any such problems as we might experience in cases like this.
Something else that occurs to me is that I have read that our minds don't really begin to develope conceptual thinking--- whatever that is--- until the child is older, about the age of puberty, I think it was. I read this in an article about the loss of a parent or loved one at an early age and grief. For this reason grief is sometimes is suppressed until years later. The child simply doesn't have the concept of death to grieve over it properly at such a young age, and so never completes the process until much later, if ever. And grief is also a manifestation of PTSD. And grief has many stages, including anger and blame. This occurs to me because your daughter at age 6 couldn't have a developed concept of sex, innocence, and the loss of that innocence at such an early age, either; and possibly not even when she first began experiencing such problems as you describe, but only knew that she was experiencing feelings that she didn't know the source of or how to cope with them. And that could lead to the sort of "personality change" you saw in her as she "acted out" in the only ways she could as a 10 year old something that she didn't understand but was such a pressure cooker of grief and anger inside her.
It may be that the only thing and the best thing that you can do for her right now and ultimately is simply to try--- and make her know that you are trying--- to understand her, and sympathize and empathize with her. Again: I'm no doctor, no expert. But I can empathize, and do. With Paige and with you. I hope that you both can work through this.
I'm not going to get into the details of what happened to her when she was six, but the most common interpretation of "rape" involves forced sexual intercourse. In this case, the more accurate description would probably be molestation (to make indecent sexual advances to or to assault sexually) . I totally understand, though, how the term could be offensive.
Julie - the baby in question is 20. But thanks for dropping in.