Everybody has to have a hobby


Chicago, USA
November 09
Looking for a place to leave pieces of her heart, and fill in the blank spaces.


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JANUARY 15, 2012 9:24PM

Heartbreak, by proxy

Rate: 10 Flag

This morning my son and his girlfriend of 18 months broke up. He says it was mutual.

With my mother's intuition, I knew it was coming. I could just feel it in my bones, as surely as I feel my arthritic left knee when a weather change is about.  Yesterday at Walgreen's, I bought him a Charlie Brown Hallmark card, one of those that "says the very best" without saying much, Charlie Brown getting a hug from Snoopy after the proverbial football is kicked out from under him.

I liked the girl. I'm sad for both of them. But I am mostly sad for him. He isn't ready to get married by any means, so he says. But I could hear the hurt in his voice across the miles, and I could feel his pain so much it was almost visible, like a shimmering neon-green laser pulse out of the phone.

His father talked to him for a few minutes and told him what his late mother told him when his first love ended. 

There are more fish in the sea, son.

Never a truer, possibly unhelpful word was spoken, though our son is the result of that first one jumping off the boat, and the subsequent replacement by me.   But he doesn't want to hear that.

And frankly, I had nothing better to say to him.

I want to scoop him up in my arms like I did when he was three and fell down the stairs. After I looked him over to make sure he was fine, I held him tightly just to let him know he was safe, secure, and loved. It's a little bit harder to do when he is almost 22 years old and lives a thousand miles away.

But this I can't fix. The "first love" is something common to almost everyone. I was twenty and was unceremoniously dumped in my dorm room. I came in from class and was surprised to see my boyfriend there, sitting backwards on my wooden desk chair. The conversation he was having with my roommate abruptly stopped when I came in.He lived in town, but attended a college two hours away. Seeing him unannounced was a shock.

I immediately, and I mean immediately, picked up on an intimacy between them that I hadn't noticed before. I never really learned whether I was right about it, but my intuition usually isn't wrong. She left the room and he said, "we have to talk."

I don't know the gritty details of my son's relationship; it is not something a young man shares with (or should) with his mother. I do know she made him happy, but she wasn't happy anymore.

I choose to believe there are more fish in the sea.

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This makes me want to cry. For your son, for my own daughter's broken heart, for all the first or 21st times our hearts are broken... It really never gets any easier. I too believe there are more fish in the sea. But I also believe "the first cut is the deepest..." ~r
You hitched? I mean married?
I read that you are hitched up.
You ever consider a divorce?
Love whoever you are with.
There are more porpoises.
No marry a halibut fish.
They smell very stinky.
We all raise the Life Mirror.
We look and reflect a`Image.
If we smash what we do sea.
We see
Ah! world
Life as usual
All goes on/on
As usual. Life.
Joan H. and Art, thank you for commenting. Life indeed.
Awww, man. It hurts to see their pain.
Thanks, DA, they are always our babies! I'm also thinking of you tonight and sending special good karma.
It's always difficult to see someone you love in pain. He sounds like a nice young man.
I think it is almost universal with us parents...we want to shield our children from all the bad hurts out there waiting for them as they grow up. I went through the same thing with one of my daughters and I was at a loss for something to say that might take away her pain. Finally all I could come up with was: "I know you feel like crap right now but take it from me....you will survive and it will get better."
Well it did get better and she got married and is happy now. A few years ago she confided in me that my words did indeed help....that was priceless to me.
Ah...if only we could sweep them into our arms, hold them close and kiss away anything that ever made them sad...if only. My daughter and her beau broke up when she was far away from me too...I remember her pain too well... (and mine at being so completely powerless to do anything to make it better.) This brought it all back and reminded me why I light so many candles in the darkness.
not sure why half of my comments disappeared. Love to you and your boy...R
Awwwwwwww! This is such a hard rite of initiation. Does everyone go through it? I think maybe yes. Who thought up that fish in the sea thing? It's not comforting.

One of my unwritten job descriptions is to sit in my office with 2-3 students per semester who have just broken up with the only person they will ever love. I hand them kleenex and listen as they tell me how they will never ever find anyone else like Felix or Alice. The number of times they say that they will be alone forever seems to be in direct relation to the number of months until I see them hand in hand with their new fish. Ah, youth.
Enjoyed this so much. How I long to make it all right over the years. Hoping for lots of beautiful fish in your son's stream.
I'm so sad for your son, even though, like you, I know and believe that there are truly more fish in the sea! One of the things that helped me through a broken heart was also the idea that each failed relationship prepares us for a better one the next time around. Each failure isn't a failure, but a learning experience that will help us understand relationships and our needs, wants, and other things, more clearly. Good luck to him - a broken heart hurts, and I hope his heals quickly.
Dear Firechick: Thanks for commenting. I think he will be okay.

David, you were SO helpful. I sent him an email with your EXACT text. Who is better than Torman to give advice? So I took it.

Muse -- our jobs as parents never ends!

Greenheron -- wish I had you as a teacher when my own heart was broken for the first time. I held it in for years which I think is why my child's heartbreak is bothering me so much.

Rita -- what a nice thing to say.

Alysa -- your comments are so helpful.

Ah. Yes. Life is a series of different kinds of break ups, you know, changes. Like Joan said, the first one cuts the deepest, like Alysa said, they are not failures, but learning experiences. Learning experiences. I evidently had a lot to learn. When I finally learned it, it was golden. Yes, golden. Art's poem resonates too. I hope soon he will see himself as loveable, eligible and worthy of more love and more happiness. When he decides the world will again be his oyster and he will again find love. He will always remember, but in time the that memory will not be so brilliant, it will be tinged with different pale colors, age will keep washing it, experience will keep putting it's perspective on it. Life will go forward, but the innocence of the pure feeling will not be forgotten really, it will manifest again, when you least expect that love can come again. We are the sum of our experiences, our existence and this is one experience that teaches volumes. I think love is worth it. Timing is everything and I believe in time a young man sees that too.
You can tell him, "Son, congratulations. You are now qualified to sing the blues!" Be sure to duck immediately after delivering these encouraging words. OK, that out of the way, my heartfelt condolences to him who got done wrong and my sincere admiration for you for raising him to be strong.