This last week has been bad, marked with moments of exquisite joy, and moments of utter and complete sadness. I have been smoking and drinking far more than ever and today I even caught myself searching transsexual suicide prevention websites. I cannot remember a single thing from any of those sites that lessened the pain I am feeling.
Since I had "the conversation" with my beloved, I have learned things about her that I never knew in eight years of marriage. For one, she had never had intercourse until two or three years before I met her. Second, and most devastating to me, she told me that for the last five years she has been masturbating in our bed beside me at night after I go to sleep. Far from not wanting a sex life, she wanted it but believed that even if she asked, I would not be interested. She has been having a sex life all this time and was wishing I wanted it too. I never knew.
Dana was right that I idealized our marriage. Two years ago my beloved had a nervous breakdown. We were about to lose out house to foreclosure and the pressure was too much for her. She was crying all day while I was at work, and when I came home I tried to comfort her, but she ended up leaving me and going to her mother's house three thousand miles away. I was sure it was over. Ultimately I was able to sell the house after clearing out my 401k, and I sold everything of mine that would not fit in a small one-bedroom apartment. I boxed up all of her things and put them in storage. I paid for three months rent on the storage space so she wouldn't lose anything in case she decided to come back and claim it. She did, a few weeks later.
There were other things as well. No, it wasn't a storybook marriage to be sure, but when it was good, it was very good. Yes, I idealized her and spoke of her in all glowing terms because I adore her. We had disagreements, sometimes rather heated, but we were always able to reach a compromise that was satisfactory to us both and resolved the dispute. That's what married people do when they love each other.
These last two years since she came back from the east coast have been beautiful. We have had some of the best times of our entire marriage. She has been doing her thing (art, real estate, counseling, and angel readings). I have been involved in community groups and since coming out, political and activist work. We have supported each other totally in pursuing our respective passions. One obvious issue is that we had no shared passions.
When we had the talk, she gave me an ultimatum; stay with her as life had been, or go find someone else who could meet my needs without her. At that time, all I knew was we were in a sexless marriage and I could not bear the thought of living the rest of my life celibate.
Last Sunday morning (two days ago) I was awakened by her taking off my underwear. She was kissing my shoulders and caressing my face and arms so gently and lovingly that I was in heaven. We made love (mostly she made love to me) for over an hour and it was truly beautiful. Afterward I was in tears, realizing that my dreams had just come true. I begged her to reconsider and not leave our relationship. This beautiful lovemaking was exactly the thing I was longing for when we had the first conversation. But she said she didn't feel "at peace" with staying.
What started out with me thinking she wasn't the right person for me has turned180 degrees into her thinking I'm not the right person for her. Maybe I'm not. She deserves better. Those words keep rattling around in my head. Now I am wondering what I deserve.
I heard an old Jim Croce song on the radio driving to work this morning. The lyric went, "I've got a dream, and if takes me nowhere, I'll go there proud." My wife is not, and cannot be, a lesbian, much less a butch lesbian. Now I know that a butch wasn't the only thing that could meet my needs. If a straight woman can make love to me like she did, and can love me like she has, then that is everything I want. I have carried that dream all my life, never really expecting it would ever be fulfilled. But I had hope.
Now it is very likely that I will be walking alone for some time, down the boulevard of broken dreams. Sorry Mr. Croce, but I am not walking very proud these days. In fact, it's hard to walk at all when you can't see the sidewalk for the tears.
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Comments
I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you. An undertaking as enormous as transitioning into your new mind/body would take an extreme amount of focus, I am guessing. In that regard, it's possible that you missed a few important details along the way - but that is also the nature of being extremely focused/driven.
I don't have any answers - just a reminder that as you are now able to see things around you more clearly, be gentle with yourself. Of course we have to take responsibility for our actions/inattentions - but no person is ever entirely aware of all things at all times. Be gentle with yourself - responsible and aware, but gentle.
Blessings, Elena. Namaste.
This is not about deserves, Elena, and even if it was, I couldn’t think of a more sensitive, all-round-wonderful partner than you for your (ex?)-beloved. Please don’t take her confusion about her own sexuality in the face of your transition personally. No doubt this has been a bit of a strange ride for her. If only she could get past the gender issue and focus on the person she has always loved, the one you are inside, which is now reflected on the outside. Again, the last thing I want to see you take away from this is self-destructive feelings. You must tend to your soul and allow yourself to blossom.
It seems the two of you still care deeply for one another. Is there any chance counseling might help the two of you understand yourselves, as well as the healthiest relationship to each other, whether than means together or as independent friends?
Ever the optimist,
Melissa (of metaness)
Both of you have lived lives ... more than one ...
Screw what the rest of us think. What it boils down to is this - can you, and your beloved, come through on the other side?
Will you both be scarred? Sure. But scars define us, I think.
Fuck what the rest of us think. If you, and your beloved, can sleep well at night? Well, then, you are doing the right thing.
Ya dig?
Do not give up!!!!!!
You can see by the outpouring of interest here that you just have not found the right person.
you are very loved
I cry for you
this must and will get better
Now that you have what you wanted so desperately, why don't you consider her needs and try to meet them.
At some point, your marriage has to stop being about only you, or it isn't a marriage. And yes, she deserves better.
If getting you through all this was an act of love coming from her, and I think it was, then it is your turn to step up.
Just be happy for the time you had together and that she was so totally understanding and supportive. Now it is your turn to do this for her.
As for being suicidal...that is the ultimate hurt to inflict on people who have supported you. Do not do it, these feelings will pass in time. Reach out, give your blessings and live, you both deserve to.
I have no advice. My heart aches for you...
I love that line. Hang on to the dream, Elena.
Buffy, I have no intention of committing suicide. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was reading from those sites because, as a transsexual and an activist currently experiencing great losses, I wanted to see what advice was out there, what help lines, and who was offering the help. Also, I was hoping to pick up some coping strategies other than cigarettes.
Regarding your post today, I just wanted to share that I feel like when we learn something hidden or new about the ones we love most it can be so jarring-- it shakes your faith in your knowledge of that person that you felt you knew inside and out, perhaps so much so that you see them as one with yourself. It is a hard, hard place to be but it is, I suspect, a common place to find oneself. I went through something very similar with my fiance recently. This wouldn't be complicated if you didn't care deeply about one another.
Best wishes for you and yours in this new part of your journey. I know things will start looking and feeling better as you walk forward.
My only other thought is a general one that I always have when people write or talk about their relationships, which is that when you hear only one side of the story, you have, at best, just half the story.
As this post of yours reveals, our partners can have secrets, even big ones, that change our perspective on the relationship, sometimes profoundly. That's why it's very tricky to assume we can sum up our relationships -- I truly believe that, at best, we know how it feels to us. And that's with no big secrets -- just the reality that we only truly know how it feels to us, not our partners.
I frequented another site on which a man used to say that there were 4 versions of his divorce: the one in which it was all his fault, the one in which it was all her fault, the one in which it was both their fault, the one in which it was no one's fault -- and that they were all true.
I always thought that as a wise insight not just into break-ups but relationship problems in general. And it indicates that fault-finding is really pretty useless. The real question is: Where do you both want to go from here?
Hang in there, keep coming here, keep going to the suicide prevention sites if you're even remotely still having those thoughts.
((((hugs))))
Anyhow, I have read your posts and admire you greatly. The post before this was insightful for me, as Dana did have some points that I felt were valid and I am pleased that you weren't so upset by them that you didn't come back for further updates.
You are very brave for allowing us into your very private turmoil. I can only hope that in turn you feel the overwhelming support from all of us, including Dana in finding your true self. (Well, except for lily, but that stick sure gets in the way sometimes!)
I don't think you were suicidal so to speak, but curious as to what was out there in the way of help in case it got that far.
I wish I could tell you it will all get better and the two of you will live happily ever after. Alas, I cannot. I can however give you my love and let you know that even away from this site I think of you and always hope for the best, for both involved.
We're here. Know that.
I will admit not liking the tone of your previous blog about this issue in which your being alone was celebrated with no real discussion in the blog itself of how this also my negatively affect your beloved. If one calls someone beloved it is generally a good idea to express concern for their issues as well as one's own.
You close with a discussion of walking alone and that is something I can empathize with. What's up with the beloved?
Most women live their whole lives focusing on the needs of their mates, their parents, their children...anyone but them. It isn't a great situation and sometimes women need counseling to pull back and take time for themselves.
But that is NOT you from the blog I am reading. What I was getting at is that now that you are a woman, you will be expected to act like one on every level, including the ones that are less than fabulous.
Your marriage, sexless and focused on taking the husband out of it, sounds like a hellish place and I feel for your spouse.
The idea of leaving her now that you have what you want is cruel and selfish on the face of it.
And if the sex you had was like you described it, with her doing most of the work, I wouldn't want to deal with it anymore if I were her.
I am not trying to bash you or your situation, but I am offering you a non-supportive perspective on the situation as it lays out in this blog. As someone in comments mentioned, only one side of it is here.
I have felt extreme sympathy for you and your experience until the last two blog posts, where I started getting a hard vibe on how much it must hurt to be your wife. No sex for years was obviously not cool or she wouldn't have had to service herself when you went to sleep.
And counselors will tell you themselves that they are their worst patients. She could be miserable with all the degrees in the world.
As a woman, your experience of who you try to make happy in your daily life would have been a completely different experience over a lifetime in America from the experience of even the most internally suffering man. Nobody expected you to suck it up and serve others by default, since you were a woman.
But now you are, so perhaps you should not slough it off so easily.
No one can know what happened in your marriage. Your love also had a responsibility to tell you her feelings. Sometimes our loved ones withhold details out of fear of hurting us, and that turns out to have been a kind but mistaken decision. The essence of your and her communication, flawed as it may have been at time, is love and concern. The two of you will find your way together, whatever that may be.
I have no advice other than keep talking. Your beloved did indeed have the capacity to make love to a woman. She may not have considered this before, and it's too much to expect her to identify as a lesbian after one love-making session. But she had a reason for doing it. Give her room to talk about it, and permission to do what she needs to do. I know you will, because I know how much you love her.
Whatever has happened to the body has to happen to the mind and a "typical woman" didn't write this post.
Part of being a woman is a whole different set of social morays, but I am sure that Elena has discussed this with counselors ad nauseum.
My point is that two weeks is not enough time to give the wife to deal with all this de facto, rather than as an abstract idea.
Maybe Elena should try and please her wife with the new plumbing before deciding that the wife is the problem.
I am sympathetic to BOTH of them.
I am sorry that you are going through all this and I will hold you in my prayers.
Monte
Much love,
Now quit the smoking! Whatever life you end up with you don't want to cut it short.
I am sorry for you and for your beloved. You have both suffered so much, and there have been so many things you could never share or understand about each other. It seems that's even more true than you'd imagined...
Sometimes the greatest blessings require the greatest sacrifices. You've both made huge sacrifices and neither of you knows, at this point, what the blessings will be or where they will come from.
I hope, and pray, that both of you will find your blessings soon, and that, until they reveal themselves, you'll be able to walk by faith, with hope and solace (and plenty of angels in evidence.)
Blessings, prayers and WELL-wishes,
Eva
I have only deleted one comment since coming to OS and I don't like to have to do it. But I consider this MY space and if you come into my space and are rude or just plain mean, you are disrespecting my space, and by extension, me.
Comments that say "now that you are a woman," or "if you want to live like a woman," or "trying to be a woman," or "a woman does..." are offensive to me. I was born a girl and have lived all my life as a female. I am an adult female now, which by definition makes me a woman. As a feminist activist for over forty years I have worked so that women could live however they please. If a woman wants to sacrifice her life for a man, more power to her. If she wants to throw him out on a whim, more power to her. Please recognize the fact that I AM a woman when you come into my space. If you don't, your post will be deleted.
Also, I have never set myself up as anything else but a human being. I am kind, loving thoughtful and sincere and I have many fucked up characteristics. If you are looking for a transsexual saint, you are on the wrong forum. This forum is where I can go to write about MY feelings. My beloved has asked to remain completely anonymous here and she chose the moniker "my beloved" which I gladly accepted, since she is that to me. She has read and edited and approved every post that so much as mentions her. If she wanted you to know what she is feeling or what she thinks she would tell you, believe me. But she doesn't, and because I love her, you will only read here what I think and feel.
If you don't like me, please feel free to go find a blog written by someone you do like. There are hundreds you can choose from. If I upset you by sharing my feelings, feel free to share your viewpoint, but do it as one friend to another. If you don't, your post will be deleted as well, so you might as well not post it if you can't be nice.
And lily, I was so sorry to read about the loss of your cat. I certainly can sympathize with you. But unless you stop posting such mean-spirited comments on my blog, you don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of keeping a post here. So please, if I offend you, go somewhere else. I am a happy girl and I don't like having to put my foot down. I want us all just to play nicely with each other.
End of rant. Now back to your regularly scheduled fucked up transsexual woman...
pardon me, but I'm very confused by this since you are here writing about transitioning and recent surgery. Can you please explain? Or point me to a post that I've missed? I'm truly and honestly confused here!
If you lived your whole life as a female, then how exactly and why would you transition?
I was under the impression that your wife married a man. And that now you are a woman. Hence my temporal references.
Whatever.
Delete anything I said freely. I won't bother you again.
Good luck.
You on the other hand, now that you are fully a woman inside and out are a lesbian, and are seeking a manish, i.e. bull dyke type of lesbian. Your beloved doesn't fit that profile. Am I right?
My body is transitioning, not my self-identity. I was born a girl and there was never one day in my life that I did not know it for a certainty. I have used the analogy of Sybil. I was a girl locked up in a closet and each time I came out of the closet, it was to be abused again and again by those who claimed to love me. Finally I have broken out of that closet, but I still carry the scars of all those years. I have the mind and body in sync now, and my inner joy is beyond complete. My body transition is nearly so. The hormones and surgeries are restoring what was taken from me because nobody believed me. Now that I am an adult woman, no one can force me to go back in that closet. I am free to be me, a girl who is likely to begin menopause very soon.
My wife thought she was marrying a man, but in fact she married another woman. That is why it was so difficult for her when I first came out. What does that say about a woman who identifies as straight, and learns that she is married to another woman? It only took her two days to decide that she married a person, not a body. The shell is not who I am, and she fell in love with who I am, not what body I have.
Please know that I am not at all angry with you. I merely ask that all who post here remember that they are addressing a woman. I have been belittled, harassed, and beaten for being girly and a sissy. I was ashamed at the time, but not any more. I am proud to be a woman and I appreciate it when other women accept me. I expect to be spoken to as a woman on my blog. If you can accept me as a sister then please stay. If you are convinced that I was ever a man, then please go with my blessing. I've had enough of that for two lifetimes.
Ablonde, yes you are mostly correct. She thought she married a man eight years ago, but when she found out last year that she had married a woman, she decided to stay and that she loved me for the person I am regardless of my body. She said that she had no interest at all in finding a different partner. She still doesn't have any interest.
Yes, I am attracted to masculine women, very attracted. My beloved is not masculine and does not identify as lesbian. But she made love to me and I really didn't care anymore. So she may leave and she may come back again, I honestly don't know. But we will both be fine no matter. We are so close that whether we live together or not is not a big deal, at least for now. Wee taking it one day at a time. I hope that helps you to better understand. I know it is rather complicated.
This fantasy Dyke you seek is a fantasy. Nobody is all any one way. Your wife may have components of that in her personality. But they may be hidden as she was married to an individual presenting as a man.
Now that she is married to a person presenting as a woman, she might be able to access that part of herself, as there is no ostensible man present in the household/couple.
So give her a chance. A hardcore hetero would not have been able to make love with you at all.
Also, a fantasy is a fantasy is a fantasy. I am married to a serious bear. It is heavenly. But I still think of other types. Let the fantasy be a play situation and love the one you are with. True love cannot be simulated, but anyone can go butch for a night or a few hours.
If an open marriage for a month would get this out of your system, that might be a good idea, but she gets to explore, too. You will find that the lure of dating other people does not compete for long with being loved selflessly.
That is my advice that I would give to anyone in a complicated situation where a fantasy is calling someone away from one they love and that loves them.
And I appreciate your candor. Seriously, good luck.
I was born a girl and there was never one day in my life that I did not know it for a certainty. ... Now that I am an adult woman, no one can force me to go back in that closet. I am free to be me, a girl ... Please know that I am not at all angry with you. I merely ask that all who post here remember that they are addressing a woman.
Elena, with all intended kindness, may I suggest that you are not presenting yourself here as a woman. You are presenting as a transsexual. You are on the OS cover so often not because you are a woman, but because you are presenting as a not-woman struggling to become.
If you want people to think of you as a woman, maybe your posts should no longer be about your transition. Maybe you need to post about other things -- things women can relate to, things that make men view you as a woman, things that have everything to do with your life as a woman and nothing to do with your life as a man.
Unfortunately, you have set up an environment where everyone here sees you as a transsexual. You have done tremendous good in helping us all understand the phenomenon of what you have had to go through, what you are going through. And I suspect that your surgery is not the end of your journey, but just the beginning. Still, the picture you have painted very vividly for us is one of a beautiful person who is not like the rest of us, not a woman in the sense that the rest of us are.
I observe that you have not shared one, single experience that the rest of us can relate to and think, "Yes, that's exactly what a woman is like; it is what I am like and my girlfriends are like, and I can totally relate to that." Instead, everything you have written has been fascinating and beautiful and enjoyable and educational, but it has also been very . . . alien,
If you want to be seen, conceived of and treated like an ordinary woman, you have to *be* an ordinary woman, At least, that's my thought. I've enjoyed your story and it has touched my heart. But I wonder if you've had even one, actual, real "female" experience. It all seems so different -- a poignant struggle for freedom, to be sure, and one we can relate to by analogy (e.g., Sybil), but not one we can relate to directly.
I'm just sayin'. You are offended that posters don't see you as a woman, yet the picture of Elena that you have painted for us is one of someone who is very, very different from us, while struggling to become just like us. I don't know if that makes sense. This is all so alien, it's difficult to conceive and put into words. And I intend this as friendly, and no offense.
Frankly I don't want to come here and talk about my experience at the Clinique counter or the fabulous clothes I found on sale at Macy's. I talk about girl stuff all the time with my local girlfriends. My blog is my therapy. Here I can speak what's going on deep inside, and in so doing I am able to see the path ahead more clearly.
Thanks again for your perspective. I hope you can relate to mine on some level at least.
I remember this one from BEFORE the facial reconstruction.
New picture available? Have em do you up right at the Estee Lauder counter, the most femme of them all, and then take a nice photo outside in natural light.
Let's see the NOW you!
But I will look for your new one!
http://www.open.salon.com/blog/elena_kelly/2009/05/24/day_2_post-op_hell_day
The other thing that bugs me is "about the person inside." If the person inside was what was really important, then why would it be necessary to go to all the trouble to alter your outwardly sexual characteristics?
I thought your "beloved" had gotten involved with you knowing your transgender status from the beginning. I've only just realized that she got together with you when you were a "man" and has gone through this process with you, really with you.
I'm guessing that all this upheaval is not unusual. I don't know much about the lesbian community and how they feel about the transgender thing, but I do know that men are often very pissed off if they think they have been "fooled." If you ever choose to experiment with a man to see what it is like, be very careful.
Elena - I was forced to be a boy, so I did the things boys were supposed to do. I had no hope of ever being a girl in society. As for marrying a woman, I have always loved women exclusively, even as a child.
Ablonde - I could see trying to conform and doing the marriage thing, even having one kid, but having multiple children?
Elena - It is not uncommon for MTF transsexuals to have many children, to have very masculine occupations, to serve in the military, and drive muscle cars (all of which I have done). After all, our biggest fear is that we will be discovered, and to a closeted transsexual, that is worse than death.
Ablonde - The other thing that bugs me is "about the person inside." If the person inside was what was really important, then why would it be necessary to go to all the trouble to alter your outwardly sexual characteristics?
Elena - It was not necessary, any more than if you woke up tomorrow with a penis. It would not be necessary for you to get it removed, but if the medical technology existed so you could restore your vagina, and you could afford it, wouldn’t you want it removed too?
Ablonde - I thought your "beloved" had gotten involved with you knowing your transgender status from the beginning.
Elena - We have been married eight years. I didn’t know I was transgender until June 2008. Prior to that I thought I had some kind of unique mental illness that caused me to believe I was a woman. In June last year I learned that there are a lot of people just like me out there, and that’s when she learned it too.
Ablonde - I've only just realized that she got together with you when you were a "man" and has gone through this process with you, really with you.
Elena - Yes, her transition began when mine did and will likely have ramifications for years. Mine will be every day for the rest of my life.
Ablonde - I'm guessing that all this upheaval is not unusual.
Elena - There is a good reason why so many transgender people end up alone, unemployed, and on government assistance despite having more advanced degrees than the general population.
Ablonde - I don't know much about the lesbian community and how they feel about the transgender thing, but I do know that men are often very pissed off if they think they have been "fooled." If you ever choose to experiment with a man to see what it is like, be very careful.
Elena - Thank you sister for caring enough to say this. I wrote a post a while back called “The Look of Hate” where I explore this very concept. But rest assured, no penis will ever find it’s way into my beautiful female body unless it is through a horrific and violent act. And sadly that, too, is common among transsexual women.
As far as how she is addressed, it is true that if you are not sure about the sex of the person you are writing about or if you are writing about a mixed group, it is correct to use the male pronouns. I don't think that is what is going on here. I think there are people here more confused than me and while some may be doing it because they don't know what is the correct thing to do, I'm sure there are/have been people who will never take her as a woman.
I will admit that for the first few posts I though her beloved was the mother of her children. But after that why did I know that Elena and her beloved got together and they went through this, maybe not together, but at the same time.
Finally, I will say that while following her I may not have learned a lot, I understand a lot in a better way than I did a few months ago.
I still want that coffee.
You two just need to keep communicating. Rashness is not warranted.
Don't kill yourself. Try not to make any rash decisions. Just give yourself and your loved ones time to adjust to the physical and hormonal upheavals.
If you try to make major decisions based on fleeting thoughts, feelings and half-baked new impressions as they emerge, you will probably make bad decisions.
Just give it time. Try to be compassionate and see things from Beloved's point of view now that you are finally paying attention.
Best wishes to both of you.