As we all know, the most important aspect to the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is how we should all be thinking about it. We also know that, before we can even begin to find ways to fix the spill or cope with the damage it will inevitably cause to wildlife, the environment, coastlines, and the price of Zatarain's stock, we must, as quickly as possible, assign blame. We must make sure that the blame is pointed in a specific direction, free of distractions or talk of multiple sources of failure, and that whatever person or entity we choose to blame, it just happens to fit into our political worldview. So in case you are unsure of how you are supposed to feel, know that, no matter what your politics may be, you should be outraged. As for who should receive the brunt of your outrage, here are the popular candidates:

#1. PRESIDENT BUSH

Even more horrifying that a Paul Anderson movie

As I'm sure we're all aware by now, in the year 2000, George W. Bush hatched a scheme with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney to take over the world. It involved stealing an election, faking a terrorist attack, invading Iraq, and then completely destroying the world economy. What most of us don't fully appreciate is that they also found ways to affect nature, reality, acts of God, and the Matrix. Therefore, this oil disaster makes perfect sense, because it's all part of Bush's plan to make President Obama look bad so that the Republicans can win back full control of the government and elect Bush supreme chancellor of the American Empire. Besides, Bush knows we don't actually need any more oil, because of all those huge stockpiles of oil we stole from Iraq.

Now, some truly nutty people believe that ex-President Bush is not some sort of evil mastermind, but actually an incompetent boob who wouldn't know how to "embetterfy" an unglazed donut. I know, it doesn't make sense, right? Anyway, these people can blame Bush too, because as we all know, it was his complete fuck-all idiocy that allowed safeguards to be dropped in the gulf, not to mention the Federal regulations he wrote that force all companies to put bombs on their oil rigs that could go at any time. Perhaps Bush actually believed it would be in the best interest of the country to install grenade-tipped drill bits in all the rigs, or maybe he was just duped into thinking so by that most evil of masterminds, Rush Limbaugh.

#2. PRESIDENT OBAMA

"And then--this is the best part, you'll get such a kick out of it--and then I'll cause this giant oil spill in the Gulf!"

Barack Obama, upon taking office, has thus far succeeded in his plot to destroy America and install socialism in every nook and cranny of this great land. This oil spill "accident" is just another in a series of well-timed events that he is using to thwart the will of the people. The fact that he was talking about doing some more drilling in the gulf just before that rig exploded is awfully convenient, is it not? Now he can stop all drilling everywhere and claim that he does it only reluctantly, thereby ensuring that American energy be driven by his new, environmentally-safe fuel cells that run on mind control and anti-capitalist rhetoric.

And what about Obama's slow, seemingly incompetent response to the crisis that threatens several impoverished cities along the coast? Well, he's doing that for the same reason President Bush created Hurricane Katrina and steered it directly for New Orleans: he hates black people. Plus, this whole crisis keeps the press busy while the administration quietly handles other scandals. For example, there's this Sestak thing (for those who don't know, the president has admitted to sort-of offering an unpaid job to Mr. Sestak if he should choose to drop out of an election), which if you check the lawbooks, should be punishable by castration and firing squad. As we all know, offering political favors to people in your own party is right up there with child molestation, so you can see why it would be advantageous for there to be something else going on in the world. He's a clever one, that Obama.

#3. BP

Any company who gives giant novelty checks to universities for "scholarships" has to be up to no good

If you are going to choose to blame BP, you must be out of your mind. It's absolutely ludicrous to suppose that ultimate responsibility rests with the company that owns and operates (or, rather, operated) the rig that exploded and started this whole mess. But hey, if you want to ignore the fact that some poor multi-billion dollar oil company had a bad day due to the malicious sorcery of those in Washington, that's your choice.

Perhaps a case can be made, though I can't possibly see what BP would have to gain by creating an oil spill. Maybe it's a humanitarian thing, and they're giving free oil to the disadvantaged cities along the Southern coast of the United States. Looked at that way, maybe it's not so bad after all. Good job, BP; your name will surely go down in history as one of the most benevolent corporations to ever walk the Earth, right alongside such noble giants as Exxon, Enron, and Philip Morris.

#4. HIPPIES AND ENVIRONMENTALISTS

Pictured: pure, unconcealed evil (well, only slightly concealed)

Hippies and environmentalists, like communists and white rappers, are only interested in one thing: destroying our way of life. These people have been devilishly sneaking into our homes, replacing our lightbulbs with ones that don't work right, forcing us to sort our trash, putting dreamcatchers in our windows, and switching all our DVDs with power-point presentations narrated by Al Gore. While this might seem like harmless prankstering, there is a much darker side to their agenda, and while they may act as outraged as the rest of us when it comes to this oil spill, they are secretly and joyfully doing the macarena on the inside.

You see, hippies and environmentalists have long known one of the best-kept secrets in the history of the world: the cleanest and most renewable resource known to man can be supplied from the tortured cries of kittens. If they'd have let us tap into this amazing energy source when we first wanted to, we wouldn't need to drill in the middle of the gulf. You see, hippies would have you believe that it is better to rape mother Earth with oil drills than put a few helpless kitties in a clothes dryer, because kittens are more important to them than the entire Gulf of Mexico. This whole catastrophe could have been avoided if only we ignored environmentalist demands that we halt all research into greener kitten torture devices, but no, now they have oil on their hands and are actually happy about it. Those bastards!

#5. RICH PEOPLE (or capitalism in general)

Earlier this year, Bill Gates only put six billion dollars towards vaccine research, so he obviously hates children.

Fun fact: every time you kill a poor person, you get ten thousand dollars. This is how rich people have gotten rich, because there is no way anybody could actually make money doing anything good and decent. Therefore, while it may be hard to find a logical way to blame all rich people for the spill, nobody will question you if you start spouting hatred for all those bastards on Wall Street who swept in with their bags full of money and made the oil rig explode. Better yet, you could say that they were too busy sleeping on giant beds made from hundred dollar bills and the dreams of little children to notice that anything was going wrong, and they are therefore wholly to blame. Most people will cheer you on, because fuck those guys.

You could take it even further if you want. Blame capitalism in general, and use phrases like "culture of greed" or "corruption is the norm." Nobody will care if you fail to offer any alternative, and they'll gladly pay you if you decide to make a movie about it and sell it on Blu-Ray and DVD for $29.99 a pop. People will eat that shit up and listen to whatever you have to say. It works even better if you're fat.

#6. THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

"Since that hurricane worked so well for you, I was thinking I'd try an oil spill; what do you think?"

Alright, no more bullshit. We all know that the government is really to blame. We know that there is a secret chamber beneath the White House where the president, his science advisor, Supreme Court justices, and leaders of both the House and Senate meet to discuss where and when to create the next disaster. It's not even a secret anymore, really. We know that it has always been in the best interests of the government to create mayhem and destruction on home turf, and it's all very simple. First, there is a disaster. Second, the government does nothing about it for weeks at a time. Third, the president takes a bunch of shit for it. Fourth, the government becomes more powerful. It's so ingenius!

So don't be one of these guys who's all like, "Well, the government didn't create the disaster, but they do share some responsibility for not being on the ball when the disaster struck." That's nonsense, because the government did create the disaster, and everyone knows it. We know that operatives from both political parties were sent to that oil rig to bring it down, and we know that when the cameras are off, all the politicians in Washington start laughing and giving each other high-fives.

#7. SEA WORLD

You won't be clapping and snapping photos when they come for you

A surprising majority of people believe that, when that trainer was murdered by a killer whale at Sea World a while back, it was an isolated incident and not the first salvo in a bloody war between marine mammals and human beings. You see, there was, immediately following the oil rig explosion, some footage of the event happening underwater, and in that footage, it is clear who the real culprits are: dolphins. This footage has conveniently been "lost," and if you ask anyone about it, they'll feign ignorance and ask you if you're joking.

What they don't want to tell you is that marine mammals--and even some fish--are fed up with humanity for Sea World, what they call "the largest, most numerous, and longest-running concentration camps in history" (or "eh-eh-eh-urrrrrrr-eheh" in the untranslated dolphin-tongue). Out in the wild, they've found places where huge posters of that killer whale are erected, honoring it as some kind of war hero for finally taking the fight to mankind. Nowadays, many young whales and dolphins are trained from a very early age to kill, sabotage, and suicide bomb. It won't be long before nobody can hide the truth anymore, so you best be ready when the war comes. God be with you if you live near a Sea World theme park.

#8. GREAT BRITAIN

If you thought this was a British invasion, you're gonna be in for a big surprise

They may act like allies, but the British people have been holding a grudge with America for well over two hundred years now. They'd like nothing more than for the American president to go over to the queen and get on bended knee, begging to be let back into the British Empire. It's no coincidence, therefore, that the "B" in BP used to stand for "British." Yeah, it's a British company, and it's all part of a plan to force America to admit that the whole revolution thing a few years back was all a big misunderstanding.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but the failure of a British-owned oil rig is meant to prove that America needs Great Britain. People in power know that the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, sent some men to ensure the rig's failure. Brown did this as a threat, to show America what the Empire will do to us if we don't snap out of this long-standing rebellious phase. It's like a parent spanking an unruly child, only the unruly child is us, the parent has really bad teeth, and the paddle is an estimated 150,000 barrel-a-day oil leak.

#9. GOD

Gary Larson: guess who killed him

Would it surprise you to learn that there is one guy responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened in the history of forever? Well, it's true, and his name is God. This oil spill is just the latest in a long string of very bad things that have happened, and proves yet again that the whole creation thing was a bad idea. If God had put a little more thought into it, maybe life wouldn't be so bad and shit like this wouldn't happen. But no, the dude has proven--time and time again--to be incompetent in the extreme, and we can't even impeach him. What a jerk!

Sure, he might pass the buck along to Satan, but guess what, God created Satan. Be warned, though, if you choose this option, you will quickly discover that God still has a lot of fans out there who will call you names for voicing this opinion. Even worse, God might get mad at you for being right and ensure that you are tortured for all eternity, because that's just the kind of dick move the guy makes all the time. So, with that in mind, I offer my sincere repentance for the previous paragraphs and ask for forgiveness. Still, the guy can't dodge the blame: it's all his fault.

#10. YOU (you asshole)

You suck

We've come to the end, my friend, and I can't allow you to point your finger anymore. You know it's your fault, so stop denying it. You can blame poor safety regulations, poor management, bad governance, and dolphins all you want, but you can't hide the fact that you haven't done jack shit to help out. I don't see you out there sweeping oil off the beach, and I don't remember you warning anybody that this was going to happen.

So suck it up, you supercilious prick. You can't point your finger at anybody without acknowledging that, at the end of the day, you should be drawn and quartered for your hand in all this. Once we finally do that, we can relax with the knowledge that blame has been properly assigned and we can finally put our heads to the far less important task of stopping the spill and cleaning up the mess.