The Unapologetic Geek

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E. Magill

E. Magill
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E. Magill is an award-winning, though bitterly unpublished, science-fiction novelist, futurist, and entertainment junkie. Learn more about him at www.emagill.com

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Salon.com
FEBRUARY 14, 2012 12:17PM

Bananaman's Valentine's Day Playlist

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Bananaman

By day, he's mild-mannered Eric

Hey, Bananaman here. It's been eight years since I outlined to the fine drunkards at the Brass Mug the myriad reasons why you should fuck Valentine's Day, and you can rest assured that--even though my alter ego has gone and gotten his self married, has a kid, and is in the process of living happily ever after--my feelings on the subject have not changed. This is the time of year when men are set up to disappoint the ones they love and women are set up to feel misunderstood and underappreciated. I've said it before, but it needs to be repeated: more relationships end on the week following Valentine's Day than any other week out of the year, because some cruel bastard decided to bottle up all the intangible and unrealistic romantic expectations of this abstraction called love, stick a price tag on it, and make you believe that it is actually attainable once a year. Need I remind you that it's not?

I've assembled a short list of songs below that will help you keep things in perspective. This list is dedicated to those who are bitterly single, those living in denial about needing a significant other, those stuck in an unsatisfying relationship, those who don't know their relationship is destroying their souls, and those who are desperately trying to convince themselves that they are not alone and insignificant. In other words, this list is for everyone. It is here to throw cold water on this Hallmark holiday, to deconstruct this asinine social construct, and to give you multiple ways to reinforce your delusion that your disappointing love life isn't your own damn fault. So grab the strongest alcoholic beverage you can find, shove your emotional baggage where the sun don't shine, and prepare yourself for some glorious catharsis. Oh yeah, and fuck Valentine's Day.

Important note from The Unapologetic Geek: Don't listen to anything this guy says or do anything he suggests. Bananaman is a big, fat jerk who does not have your best interests at heart.

Also, the YouTube clips that go with this post can be found on my website, here.


#1. GUNS N ROSES - USED TO LOVE HER

Best lyric: I used to love her, but I had to kill her / I knew I'd miss her, so I had to keep her / She's buried right in my backyard

Yeah, I know this is the same song I sang at the Fuck Valentine's Day celebration in 2004, but it's still a perfect encapsulation for everything you need to know about today. If you love something, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself shooting it in the head and burying it in your backyard. I learned some time after covering this tune that Axl wrote it about his dog, not an actual woman, and though that takes some of the luster from its meaning, the message is no less poignant. Can't you just picture Axl Rose, his trembling finger on the trigger, the barrel of his gun pointed right between his beloved's big, pleading, innocent eyes? I bet even Mr. Rose shed a tear. That's what love does to you, people; it can turn even the most hardcore douchebag in the history of rock into a ball of pathetic, emo mush over a stupid animal who bitched so much it drove him nuts. It's just disgraceful, but that's not the worst part. Axl poured his heart into this little diddy to make peace with his deep anguish and longing sorrow, and listen to those people in the audience just straight-up laugh at him.


#2. CONCRETE BLONDE - THE BEAST

Best lyric: Love is the leech, sucking you up / Love is the vampire drunk on your blood / Love is the beast that will tear out your heart / Hungrily lick it and painfully pick it apart

In this song, alt rockers Concrete Blonde put the blame right where it belongs, on love itself. Whereas the foolish goodie-goodies of the world (and INXS) would have us believe that God is love, Concrete Blonde here describes it in more Satanic terms, and it makes sense. No matter how hard you fight against it, love will find you and tempt you and utterly ruin you. It's tantalizing and seductive, but once it gets its evil claws in you, there is no escape from the torment. This song is a must-have for Valentine's Day, to remind you that all the bitter angst you feel only exists because of love and you'd be much happier if you never let that sadistic prick get the better of you.


#3. BETTER THAN EZRA - PORCELAIN

Best lyric: Well I wish I could kill you and savor the sight / Get into my car, drive into the night / And lie as I scream to the heavens above / That I was the last one you ever loved

Better than Ezra frontman Kevin Griffin explains in this song that he has tried to keep himself from falling in love, but the object of his affection is irresistable (because her skin is like porcelain). Nevertheless, Griffin is smart about it, because he knows that the only way to preserve that beauty is to kill it and be happy with the knowledge that it once existed. This song, in short, shows how love turns people into serial killers.


#4. DURAN DURAN - FEMME FATALE

Best lyric: Here she comes / You better watch your step / She's going to break your heart in two, it's true / It's not hard to realize / Just look into those false-colored eyes / She'll build you up just to put you down / What a clown

First off, this is actually a cover of a Velvet Underground song, but Nico's vocal talents are about as good as my cat struggling with a hairball, so that's why Duran Duran's version makes my list. The important thing, though, is that this is a song for guys (or lesbians--I don't judge) who find themselves starting to have feelings for a woman. Remember, people, women are evil. It's not their fault, of course; it's just in their nature. If you can remind yourself that all women are destined to disappoint you by being women, you can keep that miserable specter of love at bay. If you need proof, just consider the following math equation: since women require time and money (women = time x money), time is money (women = money x money = money^2), and money is the root of all evil (money = √evil), it is only logical to conclude that women are evil (women = money^2 = (√evil)^2 = evil).


#5. BEN FOLDS FIVE - SONG FOR THE DUMPED

Best lyric: I wish I hadn't bought you dinner / Right before you / Dumped me on your front porch / Give me my money back / Give me my money back, you bitch

Ben Folds Five use their considerable talent to keep things in proper focus. If you look at relationships as an investment, it is always a losing proposition. All the time, effort, and money you put into it is never going to pay off. You'll wind up dumped and alone and you'll just have to accept that you've lost all that stuff. The longer the relationship lasts, the worse it gets, too. While Ben Folds is recounting a rather short-term relationship, the song could just as easily be about a guy getting divorced after twenty years of marriage and begging his ex--who no doubt got away with well over 50%--to give him his children back. That's the true face of romance, ladies and gentlemen; don't forget it.


#6. PUDDLE OF MUDD - SHE FUCKING HATES ME

Best lyric: She was queen for about an hour / After that, shit got sour / She took all I ever had / No sign of guilt / No feeling of bad

Ah, the classic eloquence of Puddle of Mudd. This entry on the playlist exists to let you vent, just a little, and remember that, no matter what you might have thought about your last relationship, the person you loved fucking hates you. Don't try to be friends; don't chase after them; and don't kid yourself. Love is illusive, but hate is eternal. If she didn't hate you, she wouldn't have stomped all over your heart like that, you idiot. When you watch the above clip, notice how the young girls in the audience are singing along with utmost enthusiasm. Each and every one of them has already broken some poor guy's heart and they like thinking about it.


#7. NINE INCH NAILS - WISH

Best lyric: Don't think you're having all the fun / You know me, I hate everyone / Wish there was something real / Wish there was something true / Wish there was something real / In this world full of you

Okay, no more screwing around. Feel your hatred flow through you as you scream along with Trent Reznor in this lovely ballad. It was tough to pick just one Nine Inch Nails song for this playlist--since roughly 100% of them are about how horrible it is to feel anything--but "Wish" is probably the best for purging all that jaded energy you've built up over years of getting your soul scrambled by love. There is probably no better music to wallow in your own homicidal rage than this. I'd have gone with Trent's most popular song, "Closer," but that's a touch too romantic for my purposes here.


#8. GRAVITY KILLS - GOODBYE

Best lyric: I'm sick and tired of all of your lies / I'm sick and tired and I'm saying goodbye / I don't need this poison / I don't need control / I don't need forgiveness / I don't need you

It's good to end your playlists on a happy note, and I can think of nothing more soothing after Nine Inch Nails than Gravity Kills. This song is an affirmation, an empowering anthem that helps you tackle the world on your own terms. If you need help severing your ex from your life and aren't willing to resort to the murder advocated by Guns N Roses and Better Than Ezra, go over to his or her house with the biggest boom box you can find, hold it over your head, and play this song at full volume. Of course, you should be prepared for the repercussions, as you will likely get a restraining order against you and go to jail. But hey, if that happens, at least he or she will finally be out of your life for good, which means you win.

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