Who writes about armpits? Well, seeing that Kathy Griffin is showing her pool side pap smear tonight on Bravo I decided my topic was tame.Yes, that's right she is having a bonafied pap smear at the Palomar Hotel on a lounge chair and invited the press to it .She is really hoping this stunt performed by a medical professional will bring awareness to cervical cancer. Of course none of the major stations wanted to touch it with a ten foot pole. So, what better than to show it on the premiere of her own show "My Life on The D List." Why Bravo agreed to do this I have no idea.Yes, this would be the same channel that I used to watch Masterpiece Theatre on.


Katie Couric had a little more taste when she did her piece on Colon cancer .NBC's Today show carried live coverage on spectacular invasive travel through her large intestine in the year 2000. I think it is very brave of them to bring awareness to these particular cancers. But honestly, and I don't know about you ,but it makes me want to run like hell in the opposite direction.


I believe people should do what they feel is necessary to kill this thing. I want everyone to know I do not take cancer lightly. Being a survivor and the last family member standing in the cancer ridden Knight family dynasty, I care. I just do not not want to know anymore about the horror and the steps I must take to get rid of what I might have.If there are redwood trees growing in my large intestine so be it.They are MY redwood trees and when it's time we will all compost together on the couch watching reruns of Green Acres. I am going out in style, chemo and anal probe free.And I certainly don't want Anthony Bourdain to do the narration on travels through my uterus.


Which brings me to what I want to write about.I seem to have a rash on my arm pits. I had it once before a couple of years ago and it got so bad I thought I might have breast cancer.But it wasn't .It was just an allergic reaction to something in the Secret Deoderant. Having reactions to anything metallic in substance I was used to having hives on a daily basis. Metallic fibres would make them continually crawl up my arms cutting lamee fabric.Then there were the body piercings that rejected but, that is another story soon to be told.


Because I sweat like a dog in my menopausal years I have found out that there are only a few that work well for me.I want one that does not make me smell like a young man coming home from a track meet after a few hours. I also do not understand what has happened to the deodorant market that the prices have sky rocketed so much. Has Wall Street affected them also? The prices at Target were outrageous at $4.49 a tube. If I was buying for anyone else I would have sprung for it but I personally like a bargain and have been known to use travel size ones to save money.

I stood there and pondered and knew there was no way because of my allergy I could touch Secret. I looked to the bottom shelf and saw there was a new Degree deodorant called Degree Girl . It was a large size ,colourful packaging and the price was right so I bought it for $2.17. That was Saturday.

It's Friday now and my pits feel like mosquitos have been biting them all week. Realizing it was an allergic reaction I soaked them in hot water and put some cream on them.I knew I needed the old tried and true Calamine Lotion.

Living in a neighbourhood of corner stores that peddle mostly liquor, fried chicken and rolling papers I knew my search might be futile.I remembered they carried Benadryl so maybe , just maybe they might have some. I walked in and asked the kind Middle Eastern man who spoke limited english if he had some. He smiled and said,

"Sure lady."

With that he reached above the counter where they kept the cigarettes and slapped down a tiny bottle of lubricant and a condom.

I laughed and said no I didn't have that kind of itch. He looked at me with a look of surprise and said,

"Lady..lotion ..lotion..."
"No want lotion? "
"See.. you get a free condom!"

I smiled again and told him I didn't need it .I quietly thought I already had some of that lotion and yes I buy that too in travel size.

Scratching my way home I decided I needed to look up this stuff and see what was in it.The small print on the tube was so small I had to haul out my magnifing glass.The ingredients were three words ,45 letters long and unreadable.It had a warning that if a rash appeared to stop using it and in miniscule bold letters it advised you to ask a doctor before using if you have kidney disease.What??? Unbenounced to me until I read their website this was a deodorant for teenage girls.It did not handle nor have any clauses pertaining to menopausal 59 year old women.


There were quizzes and parental information on how to talk to your daughter if she is going through a time where every OMG moment is monumental..Okay, I admit while scratching my armpits I curiously took the quiz to find out what kind of OMG Degree girl I was.I found out I was using the right scent called "Just Dance".It also said that the high impact raspberry and strawberry fragrance had powerful notes to keep my cool when I want to cut loose. Using it meant I would never have to leave the dance floor at a rave. Rave? OMG!!!. I most certainly will never leave the dance floor as I would be passed out and going out in OMG style on a OMG stretcher.


No where on that website did I see a warning about not using it if you had kidney disease.So I continued my research on the web and found out there was a difference between Deodorants and Antiperspirants. Antiperspirants use aluminum salts to block sweating and deodorants work to kill bacteria that causes odor.Antiperspirants have been said to cause problems with sweat glands after years of use, harm to kidneys and there have been connections between them and Alzheimer's Disease.Seeing I cannot remember anything that happened five minutes ago that was an OMG final moment .


So realizing now that it's probably the aluminum that is giving me a rash I found out the best one to use is Adidas 24 and that is what I am going to look for tomorrow .I am also going to make sure to stay at least 10 feet away from any person who knows my name including salespeople while I search for this product. After all, this OMG old bat does not do pool side pap smears, colonoscopys or want smelly armpits.Of course research has shown that the odour of MENS' armpits can affect both a woman’s state of mind and her reproductive hormone levels.Mmnnnnn...Maybe I should have taken that free condom. :)


Linda Seccaspina

copyright 2010