Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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AUGUST 19, 2010 8:52AM

Scratch & Sniff Thursday - Tales of Clean & Used Underwear

Rate: 44 Flag


Clean or Dirty underwear, pantie fetishes or sniffers ?

What is what, and who is where?

What is it all about?

When I was folding my laundry today, I thought about my grandmother, and her complete insanity on the subject. She had a daily ritual of asking me about the condition of my underwear in the same breath as the weather report.




I would look at her calmly, and just roll my eyes. 

"What if you get into an accident?" she would always ask, like world peace depended upon it.

Now, let's discuss this logically.

Let's say you do get into an accident, God forbid.

Does Nurse Jackie refuse you at Emergency for having skid marks ? Do the gynecologists have a long coffee break to discuss the variety of underpants they have seen all day long? 

Do they prefer granny panties or thongs?





Who invented those embroidered Monday to Sunday panties? Did you actually wear one marked Monday on a Monday? Or did you wear the Monday on a Wednesday?

Did it really have some deep meaning that we did not know about? 

If you  were lying on a hospital table, would someone tell you quietly that you were wearing the wrong day of the week?


At  age 6  I got hit by a car while waving at my mother crossing the street. I can still see the fins on the back of the car today.

I woke up on the living room couch with Grampy Crit handing me a Illustrated Classics comic book called  'The Story of Jesus.'  My grandfather asked my mother if I was okay.

My mother said,

"I think so, but I am so worried she didn't have clean underwear on. We don't want the town to talk you know."

I used to sell underwear in my store that would give conversation ammunition to the doctors, and my grandmother for months on end.

No one knew which way was up on some of them - or down.



One Thursday evening, I noticed an executive type wandering around the lingerie section at a snail's pace. I immediately assumed he was a 'nylon stockings' guy that was looking to purchase stockings for himself.

I left him alone, and continued to mark stock until I noticed he was approaching all the female patrons of the store.

Okay, maybe he was shy, I thought, and he is asking them to purchase the stockings for him. No surprise there, as it had happened before.

Ten minutes later, a fond customer of mine approached me with a look of horror on her face. She was in such a state, it took her moments to compose herself, and she was on the verge of tears.

"Linda", she said.
"You have to tell that man to leave."

"He is asking each one of us if we would kindly remove our panties, and he will replace them with a new pair."

I found myself sinking into the ground quickly. It's one thing to have good customer service, but to be asked to be on a pantie patrol for fetish dead heads is another.




I was speechless, but knew I had to act quickly before I lost a few customers. Customers hate being bothered by sales staff, but to be harrassed by 'sniffers of the sixty ninth degree' is another thing..

Manning my 'don't fool around me'  face and a yardstick, I went over  and started talking to him in a very loud volume.

I basically told him if he did not leave the store immediately I would call the authorities.

With that he broke out in tears, and asked me not to call the police. He apologized as I led him out the door, and I told him never to darken my door again.

He pushed the door open and suddenly stopped. He turned around slowly and asked if I could do him a favour. I do not know why I felt sorry for him so I said,

"Sure !"

With that he asked me if I could drop my drawers, and, if I gave them to him he would never bother anyone again.


With that, the yardstick quickly came down on him over and over.

He was running so quickly, he tripped over the curb and fell flat on his face. Someone grabbed him by the belt to pull him up, and somehow his pants fell down.

There lying in the middle of Rideau and Dalhousie street was an assistant to one of the Members of Parliament  in one the finest turquoise pair of ladies drawers you have ever seen.

I am not talking your cheap 'no name' panties either. I am talking Aubade from France. Yes, I know my underwear.

As people gathered around the man, now crying into the pavement, I said quite loudly,

"Well it's a good thing you had on clean underwear today."

Some people nodded their head in agreement, and one man said very quietly,

"Yup, you just never know when you are going to have an accident."



Words and Images  Linda Seccaspina 2010

Cast of Characters:

Bella Seccaspina

Schuyleur Seccaspina, age 4 months in a diaper and thong.

Linda Seccaspina 1991 still wearing the football padded jackets that she finally gave up in 1997.

Dedicated to Matt Paust. I had written this when I joined OS and no one had read it. He told me to repost it

So I took another story and blended the two.





Sniff 'n the tears

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ewww...yes...I remember the clean underwear equalling access to medical care rationale...It seems to have the same credence as eating my food to assuage world hunger in other starving countries...what the hell??? funny...glad you reposted. I may do a poem repost today. thanks linda!
Muse,Yes, those starving kids in africa..
I was going to do another blog and then I just reworked them together.
Underwear is underwear
How many women, do you think, had just cooperated with Hiz Honor and received a nice pair of Aubade dainties in exchange? You should have haggled!
I used to sell them. I always bought one for the store and one for me..
Now it's Target:)
Thanks for letting us in on this story. I'm a lover of nice panties, but not on me! I hope you smacked him hard!
desert rat, I was going to use a riding crop or a yardstick. I figured I might turn him more with the crop, so the yardstick it was hahaha
Linda, this is one very funny post. ("I think so, but I am so worried she didn't have clean underwear on. We don't want the town to talk you know.") . . . .
I never had day-of-the-week panties, but oh I wanted them. I guess I thought of it as my was of letting my mother know I was paying due attention to my underwear, so she would stop nagging me. Great post.
At home.. it was all about what people thought in those days hahaha
Ladyslipper, I never had them either.. They were like 4.99 for a pack hahaha
great great story. I've never bought myself extremely expensive underwear. I can't say why. I've bought pretty underwear and I've even had fetish underwear but never the really really good stuff.

I have to ask because clearly you are an it something I should make it my business to have at least once? is it worth it?
This is terrifically funny. You Go, Linda!! r.
Just FYI, they didn't make Sunday underwear, they only made Monday through Saturday pairs. And just so you don't think I am a pervert, I saw this on some trivia show.

As for the clean underwear, I figure if I am in an accident the first thing I am going to do is piss myself so why worry about it. Also people in emergency rooms see every type of bodily fluid and all they are concerned about is getting as little as possible on themselves.
Foolish Monkey,
At my age fetish underwear would be anything smaller than granny panties.
Of course the occasional pair of crotchless panties kept in a drawer for non Tylenol Arthritis days would not hurt either hahaha
Ohhhh Ocular you sly devil you..
Yup I guess you were supposed to go buck naked on Sundays.,.:)
Body fluid.. this is why I do not work in health care hahaha
We grew up with this admonition also. I wonder if maybe our parents picked it up in a Jack Benny or Bob Hope routine. It's such an odd thing to worry about. Unless, maybe in small towns where everybody knew everybody and it was the family doctor who would treat you if something happened. I recall it was only the women who had to worry about this.

Thanks, BTW, for the dedication, Linda. I thought this sounded familiar as I started reading it.
Matt, I thought this was just too good a story to ignore.
But, I added more and changed it around a bit.
Always the woman huh? Never the men.:)
I am so glad you finally got rid of those jackets.
Stella, I hated to get rid of them
Linda, I am still wiping the tears from eyes from laughing so hard. I could picture you with the yardstick-but the pants falling down to reveal fine French women's underwear was even more hilarious! R
Libmomrn, I have stories that would curdle your brain:)
And I love that song, too! Here's to female patrons, mom's good advice about underwear, and fins.
hilarious...since you have other stories, can a book be too far behind? ;-)
so many bad jokes come to mind.
Oh my. I did not know when I woke up today that I would soon be reading about pantie sniffing. Ah, OS.
There's an easy solution/avoidance of this dilemma -- commando.

Funny read. Ya should've gently positioned the yardstick near his privates while he was on the ground and made some micro joke.

Gives new definition to "panty raid". What a jag-off.

Didn't see the original, so thanks to Matt for suggesting the repost -- and to you for widening the scope.
i've always thought, that, were one to get in a serious accident, underwear could be soiled at the moment of impact. if such is the case, then whats the point!

funny story! r
I am a little nervous about making this comment. I asked Linda about her brownies and she volunteered to send me some. Do I dare ask about her undies?
Linda, you always make me smile. FYI, [when I worked in a hospital] I have seen a doctor leave the ER and ask a nurse to remove sexy undies from a patient before he could continue, uh - his examination.

hehehe, I used to work at a used clothing shop- no undies came in thank god
looking up Aubade, so I at least know what nice panties look like
ouch- yup, those are some expensive panties
My grandmother was always worried about that as well. I never leave the house without making sure it is clean.
The last time my mother nagged me about underwear, I told her I go commando. She hasn’t brought it up since.
The last time my mother nagged me about underwear, I told her I go commando. She hasn’t brought it up since.
Yeah, what is that about anyway? I'm quite sure the condition of ones underpants is of no consequence to an ER doctor. They just want to patch you up quickly so they can go into the on call room and make out.
I began reading this with my hands over my eyes, peeking between my fingers (metaphorically, of course) . . . and ended laughing my ass off. This is brilliant!
Great, funny story and one we can all relate to. I even told my kids they better be wearing clean underwear everyday. -R-
Linda you can't appreciate this living in Canada, but the long queues in US hospital emergency rooms are not due to uninsured patients, but the hospital triages by which accident victims have clean underwear. Those several hour waits? You can figure it out.

Bill Cosby had his own shtick on clean underwear when you're about to have an accident. "You're about to have an accident. First you say it. Then you do it." Having accident is about soiled underwear. Rated.
Only you could do a piece like this. Wouldn't be the first Member Of Parliament caught with his pants down. Ha!
Just sayin ...
You have the most hilarious and outrageous tales, Linda. What a colorful life you've led in Ottawa ! ~R~
Brad, That was a one hit wonder band from The Netherlands
Rugrat.. I am always open to books and columns hahaha
wshanz.. bring on the jokes
greenheron.. I can get worse but I am trying to be tasteful
Crazeczar... commando Huh? Thats when the laundry is not done:)
Usually once I write a sroty that's it..But it was a funny one.
Bethybug- you are so right..:)
Traveler, you should has asked me that 10 years ago
Joy, please write the story :)
Kate - women of OS unite.. let's all go shopping
Julie... I volonteered at a thrift shop and we did get some in.. They were thrown out with thongs
Ok, this is one of my favorite (albeit creepy) stories I've read in awhile. The visuals, Oh Lord. You are something terrific._r
Poetess, LOl you make me laugh
angry angel, you are one smart girl
blue stocking.. like Nurse jackie?
Owl, I think I have seen so much nothing bothers me
Christine, I told my kids stories about not cutting their toe nails properly hahaha. I told them they would trip over their feet hahaha
OE Sheepdog, I have waited in those lines
Scarlett, I have tons more, some I would not dare printing though
Fususn, as I tols Scarlett, there are tales I cannot tell
LOL! This was hilarious and also kinda disturbing at the same time. That guy in the store....eww. Love the picture of the dog wearing underwear.
yes Joan it was visual wasn't? :)
Now this is one of your funniest posts ever. You had me with the little dog worrying at the thong. I've always wanted to do that with my teeth while my wife was still wearing them, but that's just TMI.
For many years, in my hippy days while thumbing, I had to go commando. Sockless too, to be honest. Finding toilet paper beside the road is never a sure thing!
Walter if yo look closely at the picture where Bella is trying to take off the ting you can see a wee Boston Terrier face.
That would be her brother Romeo wondering wth was going on..:)
Scanner.. now that comment was way too visual hahaha
Those pictures are hilarious!
Best Wishes,
Caroline.. I always use friendly models :)
Thanks my precious Blittie
Hat's off to you for being brave enough to write about skid marks. So funny!
Happy Blogging,
heather, I am fearless on most things..:)
Hi Linda:Here in Venz., often, there is very little left to the's diabolical what a little piece of string can hide...but, what is left hanging in the balance...umm...sometimes leads to alot of interesting conversation. What happened to the fellow...did he get hauled away by his nuptials¡¿
Inverted, I know in your country there is nothing left to the imagination.
No he got up and ran away never to be seen again.,
Nice Aubade underwear though..:)
LMAO! My mom used the " clean undies" thing too, which after have been in a car accident I learned was BS, EMT's don't give a flying fig if your even wearing undies. "ABC's" is all they are worried about, lol

Those photos are hilarious, I love the doggy ones! So cute! I like undies, the right fabric is just wonderful. Funny thing because I don't wear them very often in the summer. Hehehe.
you just never know with those government types...

hilarious story! i love the whole yardstick thing:)

now, do the dogs prefer thongs or granny panties?
If somebody drops their drawer in the forest, and nobody notices, do they still have to acknowledge the tiger stripes? Just wondering. R-
Most excellent post about underpants, Linda!

The image of the the thongdiaper was good enough, but then you upped the p(ante)

Rated with happy shrugs.
Miko... summer months are meant to be free..:)
dogs had no choice lemonpulp..I dont think she liked purple
Dave.. drum roll please
Fernsy.. love doing the photos
Veronica.. yes it does
I am friends with a lesbian couple who run a sex toy store in Canada. One of their biggest requests from men is previously-worn women's panties. So they started charging $50 a pair for some pretty cheap panties that they'd wear.

I don't get what always gets people off, but taking your particular fetish to a public place and harassing others is NOT the best way to deal with it. And my grandmothers were always on us to be in clean panties! (R)
And that's why I go commando.
kat, once upon a time you used to be able to sell used underwear in ebay.. now you can only sell used shoes..
look up well worn shoes
Kim that is funny.
Cranky I knew you did hahah
Oh goodness. This so funny. You are such a crazy lady! :)
Seriously? Great story!