A long time ago when our beloved Princess Diana was going to get married she had to take etiquette lessons from the late Queen Mum. Now that "Mum" has passed who is going to steer young "Waity Katy" in the right royal direction?

I figure as a fellow commoner I might be the one to take over the job. Yesterday I immediately sent my resume to the Royal Palace asking them for the position.

Dear Elizabeth and Phillip,

I understand that your grandson William is about to be married and you might need a bit of help. I believe I am quite qualified to take over the job of the late Queen Mum. Below are my qualifications which I hope you find satisfactory.

My son Schuyleur looks quite a bit like your grandson and I can bring him along to act as a double for William. He is the same height and weight and has the gift of gab like his mother. His manners might need to be topped off a tad and of course we will get rid of that yellow jacket.

Carolyn, also pictured above could be a double for the future Princess William of Wales and this could be a two for one deal. I have also placed an image of a crown above Sky's head so you might get a clearer idea.

The Hawaiian Leis are optional.

May I also offer my services to bake the Royal Wedding cake?  Above is an example of  one the cakes I baked this summer for my daughter in law's mother.

The reason the right side of the photo is a tad misty is because I did not notice I had some frosting over the camera lens. I will not even bother to offer my services as the Royal Photographer as I tend to not notice food prints. You should see my keyboard!

Elizabeth, of course you will remember this dress that was worn by the late Michelle Cadieux. She wore this 40 pound dress that I designed to meet you a few years ago. I understand Kate has her own personal couturier and royal dresser, but please keep in mind I used to design the best of "Queen of Brothel Bertie"  fashions.

I know that for you to even consider me for this job I must have some experience with the Royal Court.  I present to you the above photo for admission of proof. This figurine was given to me by my late grandmother Mary. It was originally passed on by my great great grandmother Louisa Knight. She worked in your very same court as a lady in waiting for Queen Victoria. What a small world! This was given to her by Vicky herself.

Sad to say Louisa was banished from court because she had what they called "loose skirts". I wish to tell you just in case you are concerned that she ended up marrying quite well. Louisa married the Duke of Essex and her descendants down the line owned the trucking company that hauled the milk for the Nestle Company. How wonderful that the whole family ended up in the pudding business.

I submit for your satisfaction a picture of me taken yesterday in royal clothing. Notice how well the crown suits me. Bodyguards would not be necessary as I have been told I have quite the mouth.

 In closing I would like to thank you for your consideration of my offer and in signing off - I salute you with the royal wave.

Very truly yours,

Linda Seccaspina

Images and Text Linda Seccaspina 2010