The Louisville Slugger shown in the photograph below is the 180 Paul O’Neill model. It is one hundred percent American made and yes that is the same Yankees player that Kramer had to get to hit two home runs so he could get the Steinbrenner birthday card back for George. But none of that really matters right now because I am furious.

This baseball bat has been used in a few sporting events but mostly it has been used for self protection. It is always handy to have a bat in hand living in the hood. The bat has been dormant for a few years and sits quietly in the corner beside the computer.

Last week it was taken out for noise control down the hall and was quite effective. Tonight I brought it out because I had hit my limit. I am one of the easiest going people you will ever meet. I can take a lot until you push my buttons one too many times. When that happens you had better move because I can create a path of destruction so wide your head will spin.

There have always been many rumours circulating about my wrath and I wish to clarify that they are all true. I barely missed someone in anger with a SUV one day as my sons and their friends watched and screamed in delight,

“Wow look at my Mum do a wheelie! Mum do it again!”

Then there have been the occasional knock down fights in my youth that I did not lose. Like I said I can endure a lot- until today. We have been having problems with “the dish” since a neighbour installed his so close to ours it looks like they are breeding. The day that thing went up the problems started.

Our TV suddenly started issuing out the “searching for satellite” from time to time. I could deal with that until it started going off around 9 am every morning. Then it got to the point that I could no longer watch The Young and the Restless at 11am. That concerned me as they have now cancelled All My Children and One life to Live. If I cannot support my soap it is going to be next on the chopping block.

I was told after I complained that sometimes storms wreak havoc with the signals but I took that as a "let’s shut the little woman up” statement. The last time there was a storm around here was months ago. The only tornado I heard about was a water spout in the Bay. Then Steve told me that I was not pushing the card in all the way to reset it and to leave the flap open as it needed air. What are we resetting here - Goldfish?

I was able to watch the Hallmark movie Sunday night without a hitch. If they had messed with that this little woman would have really given them a Hallmark moment. Today it went off and basically never came back on. When Dancing with the Stars came on I saw blips of a rumba here and a pase doble there. Criminal Minds was non existent.

Finally my red button went off and the baseball bat came out. I was ready to hit the TV with it but thought better. Nothing is really solved in breaking a TV unless your name is Moe and you do performance art. All I could think of was if they mess with the Royal Wedding this weekend I am going to send them all to the Tower of London.

Armed with my baseball bat I went outside and I immediately realized that I was not going to reach that man’s dish. I was far too short and the dish was too high. I tried to climb on top of the dumpster but that did not work either. I was going to set the tip of the bat on fire and project it  but then noticed it was flame tempered.

What to do?

Of course! I hit the Louisville Slugger site for some tips.

“You want to be comfortable and confident with your bat before you swing it in a win-or-lose situation, so take it to the practice field or batting cage and get in a few hits. Confidence can only come from one thing: batting practice. Whatever bat you choose, put in plenty of practice time, so you’ll be ready when the pressure’s on at the plate.”

I felt comfortable and damn confident as I swung at some tin cans and plastic bottles while standing on some broken ceramic plates.  I started to hit the objects towards my goal and I kept missing. I realized that there was nothing I could do except come inside and glare at his door as I passed by. Steve is away in Florida until Saturday night so he can deal with it when he comes back. I really want to hear them tell the storm excuses to him.

My red button had been pushed but there was nothing I could do. I have to tell you I really  liked the feel of that Louisville Slugger. I brought it up beside my bed and it makes a wonderful companion and does not argue with me or tell me that I am wrong.

I just read that the Louisville Slugger Co.  is taking a swing in the fight against breast cancer. The factory started making pink bats to fund breast cancer research. You can buy them at their Museum or online in a couple of sizes. I think I want a regular sized one and they can personalize it for me too. Linda is going to have the following words printed on it:

“Never doubt the words of a woman or she is going to go batty on you!”

         Buy your Mother one for Mother's Day! She will love you for it!

 Text and Photos: Linda Seccaspina 2011

I emailed Kevin after I wrote this and asked him to send our beloved Moe's link.  I just wanted to sit there and dream of going all  Moe!Kestra with my Louisville Slugger.

Moe!Kestra- he really does have a orchestra which you can see at the end.

Short Shorts- Will they chase or eat the ball?"