Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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MAY 16, 2011 10:01AM

I Want a Guy with a Long Shirt and Big Zombie Eyes

Rate: 59 Flag

Last week Walter Blevins blogged about Zombie Awareness month and I flipped out because I had not known about it. God only knows I dated enough Zombies in my life that I should have been right on top of this.

Look closely around you on public transportation for the next coming 30 days and anyone you see sporting a gray ribbon, give them a high-five. They are wearing that ribbon to acknowledge the possible danger of a Zombie resurgence.


                           another steve


What exactly is a Zombie?

"A Zombie is a person that has no consciousness and self-awareness, yet is able to respond to surrounding stimuli of flesh and life."

How many people did you date like that? I swear I went out with a cattle car full of them.


Zombie 1

I dated one that worked in an autopsy facility and wore white pancake gothic makeup on the weekend. He was into gothic line dancing and had a bacterial infection that eventually broke up the relationship. When he started oozing fake blood from his mouth as a fashion accessory that was it for me.





Zombie 2

He was a lovely man who was an artist and into painting images of dead bodies on canvas. He would also do performance art; spraying flesh coloured liquid latex on himself and then pull it off layer by layer. When he started recreating the Holy Crucifixion in an art gallery in Toronto I "nailed" out of there quickly. I swear he played dead better than Lassie.




Zombie 3

My friend was trying to pawn off her Dead Head/Zombie boyfriend as she thought I was a better fit with him. When I complained one day of having horrible menstrual cramps he exclaimed,

“Wow, that’s crunchy!” and then told me he was into blood.

I suddenly realized that he was not the man for me. He did not look at me like a date - only just a puddle of blood and guts. 




Zombie 4

One dude was into Michael Jackson and had the choreography for Thriller down pat. When he came into a club one Halloween evening dressed as a Zombie with a working chainsaw I knew it was time to cut out of there. I have never seen Zombies with chainsaws and he somehow thought Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a Zombie. Someone who did not know whether he was "coming or chainsawing from"  in horror movie knowledge was no date of mine.




Zombie 5

Man takes Linda to Donovan concert in the early 70’s.  Man does not want to leave and Linda’s roommates have to come to the door with baseball bats and tell the crying man to leave. Baseball bats are still the number one weapon to conquer a Zombie attack. Reason number four to own a Louisville Slugger.





Zombie 6

Linda loved Rob Zombie and jumped up and down at the Metropolis club in Montreal years ago screaming that she wanted to bear his children. Her friends did not worry as Rob Zombie, like other Zombies, is only interested in brains.

Linda was minus the brains in any shape or form so no one was concerned. She would been relieved had  he been interested in her that he just wasn't dating her for her brains.





"This is just what I wanted my son to see. Take him to work, get attacked by zombies. Your mother's gonna kill me."
    - Warden Mahler, Dead Men Walking (2005)






                           Before you leave please visit today's sponser

                                  I found a date through zombie harmony - one of the best free dating sites for zombies
                                                Zombie Harmony website


                       Where their motto  is: It's okay to feed!!


Picture 1:  Sanctimonious vegetarian zombies are among the most feared of all. (another steve from OS)

Picture 2:  Picture of Karren Squarejane

Picture 3: Michelle Gabrielle Harrell

Picture 4: Baby Bella Zombie

Picture 5: Jacki Kouprie

Picture 6: Samuel from Shake these Beats

Picture 7:  Artwork by the great Sybil Dorset Lamb

Picture 8- Steve's contribution to Zombie pictures "The Zombies"


Dedicated to the late great Tony who we will never forget who was filming a Zombie movie before he died.

Anthony Monorchio

Rest in Peace - March 2, 2006


Linda Seccaspina 2011

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Love one another works for Zombies too! I personally am going to peel off a flake of love and save it for the first Zombie I meet today. Oh wait--not DEAD cells. RED cells!
I giggled through the whole thing picturing you dating and escaping zombies. I would prefer the bat to the skillet too.

I love you too.
I'm glad I was able to rescue you from the undead... ;-)
Great pictures and a great post.
Zombieland Rules!
Mhold: LOL This blog took me forever.. just forever to do.. I got up this morning and said oh well it is no classic but its my life..:) hahahahaha

Bleue: ONe of these days you adn are going to take our bats and go to town hahaha

Rugrat.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes you did

Brian: anytime I watch that movie I feel empowered hahaha
I love how educational your posts can be. For instance, I never knew
"Baseball bats are still the number one weapon to conquer a Zombie attack."
Thank you for this Linda.
Aaaaaaaaaaah, so sweet. Let me just say what I always say when a woman tells me she loves me. I love you, too, baby.

I would have rated this solely based upon the Cake. I have not heard Cake for years.

Damn, you have put up some serious numbers.
OK to feed?? No, no, that is Vampires!! Scary what's out there!!!
Your wonderful post brought back many memories. I did not realize, at the time, that they were zombies, but there were quite a few of them. I never had a baseball bat.
rated with love
This is too much fun. I'm sending it to my husband because he loves zombies too. I don't know if he dated one, but I'll ask. Have a Magic Manic Monday!
Trilogy: I thought you needed to know this with your injury.. Better be prepared..:) Bleue and I will save you.:)

Redmond: Cake is my favourite band.. I have been waiting forever to use this.:)

Satori: LOL I know those too.:)
Ahhhh Linda, you hit 2 favorites. Zombieland is my favorite zombie movie and "Short Skirt and Long Jacket" is one of my wife's favorite songs (I'm forever trying to get her to dress that way--short skirt and long jacket and nothing else but she won't). Funny piece. And we keep the Louisville slugger propped near the door.
Poetess: You need to go out today and buy one.. The power it gives you holding it in your hands..:)

Rei: I am more into vampires.. The hills have eyes Zombie movies is one of the scariest movies I have ever seen.
Thank god, I've never met a zombie. :)
Lest we forget: couple of long years ago two teenage children froze inadvertently wrapped in high embrace before a train. It is said that they were young Goths, thespians, athletes untested.

And I am aware how the autistic dream of flight.

Arm and Hammer, yep mam ree!
Walter: Thank you for allowing me to join your fun. It took a longggggggggg time to do this hahaha. I salute you kind sir.:)
Zombieland rules.

A alrond: LOL I promise not to send you any your way..:)

JP Hart: I was once a goth and still hold the memories and hold my draped black fabric sign proudly.:)
gothic line dancing? off to google...
Interesting post Linda. Now I know a little more about you, thanks.
Julie yes mam... all goths guys I know dance in a line and do the same movement hahahaha
Lol! Great way to start off this Monday morning with some humor. I definitely think I may have dated some zombies too.
Rolling: My life is an open book..:)
Darla: EVERYONE has hahahahahahahahha:)
Wow, you've known some strange people! Thanks for the clip from Zombieland, one of my favorite recent movies. (Also highly recommended zombie movie: "Shaun of the Dead.")
Good take on the Zombies and more. I really fear that all the premonitions we have had about them via literature and the movies makes Zombies one of big concerns for the near future.
Cranky: I have attracted them like flies my whoe darn life..:)
Shaun of the Dead!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS
Linda Damn! Your Guy Standards are just too high! :) r.
I don't know what to say, once I stop laughing.. This is the first time in my life my picture has been used to head off a list of crummy boyfriends.

I am not sure whether I should be honored or disturbed. Heck, I've been disturbed for years and it has gotten me nowhere. So, I will accept this as an honor. Like when the Beef marketing Board used my picture to warn young children what will happen if they don't eat enough beef.

P.S. I am not one of Linda's exes.
Algis: I so agree.. Danger in our midst hahaha

Jon: They are so high they reach the sky hahaha.. HUGGGGGGGGGG

Another Steve: Thank you once again for being one of my models.. and yes to set the facts straight.. Another Steve is not one of my BF;s but he is a friend.. Nice cauliflower BTW>)
AAAAAAAAAH!!! Zombie Awareness Month! So that explains why the Yankees are playing the way they are. Very funny and rated.
gerald: seeing I am a Giants fan I would agree.. wait the Giants arent so hot either hahha

Jane: this is it.. he finds something he like s and he goes for it. I am so happy jane.. and yes sad to say I did hahaha
There's a "Zombie Awareness month"?!? Who knew!
We love you too! Re: Zombies..........who knew??????
I dated a few Zombies. The sex was great but try talking to them after. Man!
Eve- It was Walter.. Walter Blevins started all of this.. BUT it is a real thing hahaha

Marsha: be careful down there..:)

Scanner: the Zombies ate her brain right?:0
This is so funny! I am still smiling : D
I think I dated a few too!! I would describe them as "cool" not "hot"!!
Susie.. OMG we had this guy that looked like Roy Orbison Zombie style..
We all had them hahah
Dating sites should link back to this article ;)

- well done, Linda!
I guess Arizona is a place where Zombies end up- everyone walking around in a daze, no one has any brains to speak of either... well, Mary does, but that's it. I tried to sign up for Zombie Harmony but I accidentally passed the IQ test they give when you sign up. Sigh.
Catherine: That Zombie one should maybe take notes from eharmony..:)
I live on Zombie Lane so very little scares me...except poodles
Oryoki: I knew they had all gone there.. You and Mary stay safe okay?
We will send bats..:)

Elijah.. OMG that is so cool..:)
Linda, thanks for this important public service announcement!! I am impressed by the number of Zombies you were able to track down and present here!

I am wondering what the flip side of the coin would be? A gal who is clearly not a Zombie, has a short shirt and small laser beam-like eyes?
Ummm...okay, Linda... I think you've finally lost me on this one. I didn't even know zombies dance!

re: Cake

who would make a better zombie

the head chef or the head doctor?

wrong: the loan purchaser

note: how prepared are you for a real zombie attack?
Linda- it's why we have so many open carry laws! Self defense against your zombie neighbor. One can only defend herself with throwing citrus during the spring. And cactus are protected.
I am coining a new phrase: media zombification
Designanator: I think we need a blog from you on that matter :)

Lezlie: Oh yes they do.. thriller?? :)

Ume: I am prepared for it as I am an earthquake... nOT! :)
Oryoki: Thanks for shedding the light..HUGGGGGGGG :)
I never dated a Zombie but I enjoyed hearing about all of yours. I think that is what makes life interesting. Variety and oddity.
I've dated a few female zombies. Same idea, altho I never had to bring out the bat.
a truly inspired post
Can you just do a post on Gothic Line Dancing? Please?
Jack: media zombification... Now that was quite brilliant hahaha
Zanelle: Variety is the spice of life
Matt: LOL I am sure everyone has dated some snoozers
Sarah: 6 hours of inspriation haha
I so want to know about that bacterial infection and why it led to the breakup. You have indeed dated Zombies. OMG.
Shawn of the Dead was a great Zombie flick. Great post, Linda.
This is a hoot Linda! I used to do Autopsies too.
oops clicked to fast. I should say I was a technician who assisted with autopsies.
You are such a hoot. I married a zombie, but didn't realize it until now. R
ink: Zombie Apocalypse??? Heck no haha
fernsy in those days people used to have HUGE cold sores hahah
BSB: I have no idea how you did that..:)
Sheba: keep your baseball bat handy at all times hahah
I knew there was a reason I've never dated a Zombie. And after reading your very post, I'm glad I didn't. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know one if I saw one. Ignorance can be bliss. Very creative, very funny.
Too funny. Brainlessly rated :)
Too funny. Brainlessly rated :)
Zombies liven every party, don't you think? Their presence unifies the not-so-merry band into a laughing gang. Invaluable.
mary: Ignorance can be bliss ... you bet
Thanks gigi:0
Leon there is a whole lot running the country right now haha
I dated a vampire and a lot of fuckers, but will have to pass on the zombies!

Zombieland was great.
i saw this on a t-shirt: Zombies make great Pets, They already know how to play dead!
Wow - you have had quite the experience with zombies! I am terrified of them and can't say I've ever dated one..I think.... I'm glad you're in the land of the living - but if you'd managed to date and marry Rob Zombie, I think that would be totally okay - after seeing him on so many shows like "I Love the '80's", he is one of the people I'd love most in the world to just hang out and watch TV with. I think he'd be amazingly fun to be around, actual zombie or not.

Also...for better or for worse, since reading your post's title, I have that Cake song in my head! I can't watch video with my computer these days, but no need for the music portion you've included! :-)
Wow - you have had quite the experience with zombies! I am terrified of them and can't say I've ever dated one..I think.... I'm glad you're in the land of the living - but if you'd managed to date and marry Rob Zombie, I think that would be totally okay - after seeing him on so many shows like "I Love the '80's", he is one of the people I'd love most in the world to just hang out and watch TV with. I think he'd be amazingly fun to be around, actual zombie or not.

Also...for better or for worse, since reading your post's title, I have that Cake song in my head! I can't watch video with my computer these days, but no need for the music portion you've included! :-)
Looking for "zombies" in Ottawa is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Linda gets around doesn't she? I'm sure I have dated any number of Zombies in my day but didn't know it...........r
“Wow, that’s crunchy!” I spewed chicken chili all over. I love that Cake tune too. Thanks Linda! This was fun just like Halloween.
Doesn't look like any of them were worth trying to cure.
zombies are big business and they just act like a bunch of dead guys and stuff but they're making millions off us so beware and don't get fooled --thank you linda for pointing out that they are EVERYWHERE...gailanne
Ha! Cake - love it!!
Nancy: you ahve to see it to believe it..:)
Xenon: you make me laugh
Chuck: LOL like Lassie
Alysa: Rob is da bomb and that song is so addictive
Various: LOL I knowwwwwwwwwwwww..
Rosycheeks: Are you sure?
Linn: every day
Geezerchick.. nothing would
Gailanne: Yes they are
Jaime: I love cake
Tink... yessssssssssssssssssssss
*blushes scarlet down to his toes*

oh. that's for everyone. *clearing throat*
*blushing again from sheer embarrassment at his snafu*
*giggles nervously*
You had me at, "Big Zombie Eyes!" Now I know why I often say, "I'm completely zombied out!" "Zombies unite!"


Layer cherry, lime, orange jello in a glass bowl, chilling each layer one at a time.
But wait! Between each colored layer, spread a thin layer of Cool Whip between each flavor, chilling till firm each step of the way.
Add fresh blueberries on top of each layer of Cool Whip. The blueberries will run and ooze between the layers.
Top with more blueberries.
Refrigerate for another 3-4 hours and serve.
Serves 6-8 Zombies
*fianally finds he can speak*
you know i love you too.linda, right?

You okay Cyril?? HUGGGGGGGGGGG
Just Ctahy.. I made that a real long time ago..
how fun.... yeah for posting it..:)
Goodness! As always ... lots of fun! And I've learnt a little today about Zombie Awareness Month and Zombie Jello! (Did you know we call it 'jelly' down under?)
Rated for that juicy slice of Cake!
"All we want to do is eat your brains
we're not unreasonable, I mean
no one's gonna eat your eyes!"

~Jonathan Coulton
As soon as I saw your title, The Cake song came immediately to mind! How funny, you included it. Linda, entertaining as always! I thought some of those guys I met were just "creeps"...maybe I need to rethink that! HA!