Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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JUNE 5, 2011 10:56AM

Safety For Lawn Ornaments Now Critical!

Rate: 45 Flag


Friday I was sent subject tags to write a news article for another site. To tell you the truth I found the links boring and was not inspired to write. After I read a brief news story that was not on their list, I decided to blog about it and then sent it in.  By 2 pm that little news story I had submitted at 10 am was number 7 on the “Yahoo Trending List”. My rendition however was still sitting in their pending section. Silence and hours of pending to me meant that they had no interest in the article. All I could think of was that doing right out of the box was just too much for them.

When I started out in the fashion business I was continually reprimanded on my clothing choices. I was accused of being "too way out there" even though some of my style choices came into fashion months later.  When I had my store, by the time other retailers picked up on the trends I featured I was on to something new.

Several people explained to me why I was different and I wondered if they were right. My friend journalist Wanita Bates told me that some people have a feel about things and that she and I were in that category.

My gynecologist told me it was because of AB positive blood type. She said it was one of the rare blood types and most of the ancient crazy artistic Europeans had that type.

I am absolutely never going to change nor am I going to bend. So I chalked it up to an editor rejection and went to bed. The next morning I got an email notice saying it had been published. They reminded me that their tags are important but they loved the way I told the story and tweeted it.

I will always continue to do it my way as Frank Sinatra sang and "regrets I have few".  Sometimes you just have to stand tall for all those that are different and do things out of the box. Actually being outside the box isn't that bad at all as it seems that is where all of us AB positives types hang out.

Independence Mo. Police Open Fire on Alligator Lawn Ornament



Hot of the press from Kansas City, Mo.  Friday was, in a Barney Fife moment, the local police shot and damaged a huge reptile. Responding to a rare sighting in a subdivision near a local pond, they had been advised by a conservation agent to kill the gator if it posed a threat.




When they fired the second bullet that bounced off the reptile’s head, the police finally realized they might have something else on their hands. It was growing dark at the time and the gator was partially submerged in the weeds.  It was now a warning call for all property owners to remove their pink flamingo from their lawns less they be used as target practice.

The property owner who was quite angry was then advised he might have a few repairs on his hands regarding his lawn gator.  He told the police that the concrete gator was meant to keep people off his property. Officers guilty of not asking the gator for his license first advised the man that maybe a no-trespassing sign might have been  better.



One has to ask themselves how many wild alligators are running around in Kansas City.  Did they think it was a tornado gator blown in from parts unknown? As with a lot of questionable police behavior the method here was to shoot first and ask questions later. There was no mention of a warrant or a call to the property owner ahead of time. The residents of the city agreed that when the lawn gnomes rise up and take over the world it is reassuring to know we have people that can handle it.





When police officers were seen leaving the scene they were patting each other on the back shouting,

 “Mission Accomplished!”

 As I read the news article all I could think of was,

"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you!"


Linda Seccaspina 2011

Picture of gator 1 actual shot of damaged lawn ornament

Picture of gator 2 is actually a gator garden ornament 2 blocks from where I live.

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I can kinda see where the cops didn't want to get too close, but you'd think they would have at least called the property owner to warn him that a live alligator was in his yard. At that point, they would have found out it was concrete. I hope the gator sues....
Linda, this reminds me of stories about police going to homes with pit bull or pit-bull-appearance dogs and unlatching their side-arm. In some parts of the planet, that reaction used to be towards Dobermans and Rottweilers too.
I want to be outside of the box that you are outside of, Linda.
Do I need an invitation?
Linda, this was a riot the first time I read it and like all good things in life, one can never have too much of them! And then there are the additional news clips... what is there to say?? Actually, there was this story about Tiger's latest physical problem..and the resultant headline about his 'going limp' as he hobbled off the golf course. Ya gotta laugh.
Girl, this happened right outsie of my back door! I texted a friend of mine, who is married to an Independence cop, asking if he was one of the guys who shot at this helpless yard ornament. She text me back telling me "no" but her husband had alligator stickers made to hand out to the rest of the force to give to these two goofballs.
Sometimes the real bad boys (cops) are far more corrupt than the bad boys they are arresting. Power in the hands of anyone can be an altering point in their lives. The decision whether to use it for good or bad with the pressure of personal wealth or growth through the ill use of their power is hard road for some to turn down. You just never know.
Perfection! Exactly what I needed this morning. Congrats on your piece getting picked up AND appreciated. We all appreciate you here!
So it's the old AB Positive excuse, eh??
I say it's your ' B A Positive Force ' heart and mind you've got going on...
(couldn't resist, excuse the corn : ))
Can you imagine the cops when they first saw that lawn ornament??
"It's a Kansas City 'gator! Kill it!!"
Keystone Kops have moved to Kansas City? Do your thang, gurl. What box?

I admire you for trying to learn how to hone your craft of journalism, but really, don't change a thing!
Linda, you don't have a box. This was great first read of the day. -R-
You are a writer. You open a vein and let it pour out. I'm so proud of you.
I have always demanded arsenic w my Perrier. r.
I always depend on you to be my barometer for hipness. Please, please never stop.

Along with "Gaydar", "Hipdar" is something I just don't have in me.

We can laugh at these cops, Lest We Forget. . .

(1) When lawn crocodiles are outlawed, only outlaws will have lawn crocodiles.

(2) Vigilance in the defense against lawn ornaments is no vice. However its jaw may have a vice-like grip.
Nothing's sacred anymore if lawn ornaments are vulnerable.
Rugrat: Me too..:)
Catherine: They still do that around here. Shoot first, kill and ask questions later.:(
Mhold : absolutely not.. cmon in the water is fine.

Marsha: I think I would love to work for the Word Weekly news

Chelle: LOL You need to get an interview !!!! It would take the world by storm.

Morticia: Especially lawn ornaments

Rei: I have a fear of fiction so i write fiction under another name on Wednesdays. Then I also have a fear of NORMAL :)
Just Thinking.. I sometimes think it is drive. I have been so sick yet I have made a point of blogging each day. The blogging and the people of OS make me feel better. Its my peace of mind.

Lezlie: yaaaaaaaaaaaaa we dont need no darn box

Miguela: I decided to see if I could do something normal. I realized I could not so I created a little extra on the truth.:) you can only be who you are.:)
Next thing you know they'll be cuffing statues and taking them in for resisting arrest. Great post, made me feel much better about my own follies.
Insides of boxes are dirty and smelly and absolutely no fun to be in at all. It is outside where the air is free and possibilities take off. More power to you Linda! rated
Christine: LOL I am sure I do
Zanelle: We have to be true to your school
Maurene: I think we shoud call THE FORCE..:)
Another Steve: may we always be literary outlaws
katy: To gome them is to love them
Christine: LOL I am sure I do
Zanelle: We have to be true to your school
Maurene: I think we should call THE FORCE..:)
Another Steve: may we always be literary outlaws
katy: To gome them is to love them
Christine: LOL I am sure I do
Zanelle: We have to be true to your school
Maurene: I think we should call THE FORCE..:)
Another Steve: may we always be literary outlaws
katy: To gnome them is to love them
"Tornado gator"--that's so clever, Linda. Truth be told, I wouldn't mid if the gator ate up all those hideous gnomes. I admire your ability to see outside, think outside, and be outside the box. Wish I could; just don't have the creative vision. I can sometimes explore the less untrammeled sections, the corners less taken, but outside it, well, I wish. You've got convictions, and the courage to adhere to them. That's admirable.
Bleue: I do not think that any of our follies could top this hahahah
We are what we are and be proud, unless you are shooting at concrete lawn ornaments or arresting statues..:)

Rosy cheeks: All the free air you can handle..:) and smiles..
This is too funny. You have an eye and an ear for the sublimely ridiculous, my dear. Lawn ornaments everywhere hail you.
Jerry: Of anything in the world I wish I was one of your students because your writing amazes me. I have a voice but sometimes it is not what everyone wants to hear. But I keep shouting hahaha
This is as interesting as hell to me! Here's to your article becoming a big hit! Do you put it up on twitter, Digg, StumbleUpon and REddit? That really helps.

I am glad not to be a cop. I would have been in the news as the Barney-ette Fife of the century. You'd better believe that I would have blown that convincing gator to smithereens!

Sad to say, weather is changing and gators are appearing farther north, ha ha!

*(peeks around to see if the suspected gators have reached Sacramento. Sees a couple who like to park in front of the fire hydrant and confirms all suspicions.).

I have researched SEO fifteen ways to sideways. It seems that Google advertisers pay the most for: insurance, drunk driving attorneys and something else...I forget.

My biggest articles were on topics like the lottery, tech, the Jolis Paons flounce dress, Barney Frank bitch slapping the Tea Partier, and some other nonsense. Some are still getting hits after two years.

Others have languished in the deep, dark pits of science, only to be seen by those who have gone quite mad.
yes Mam i do it all and wherever they go I pat them on the back and thank everyone who reads them. I now have encountered my first nasty trolls on the other site. Got bless each and every foul mouth hahaha

Nikki: It is the Lawn Gnome that keeps my heart.:)
This makes me think I want to get my blood type checked for confimation. From one life-long out-of-the-box-er to another, congrats on the success with the story.
I have relatives in Independence. They're thinking of moving away because of the gators.

Locally, there's a guy with twin deer statues on his lawn. I'm tempted to get a gun myself--those things carry Lyme Disease!
You are just getting the recognition that you deserved all the time.
I am so happy for you. Makes me wonder what B+ people are like, probably hopelessly romantic poets or poetesses.
rated with love
This made me chuckle because when my daughter and son in law bought their house it came with one of these in the backyard. My grandsons love it!
Congrats on all the recognition of your writing. You richly deserve it.
Out of the box again, dammit! Linda, I hope you never learn. A hilarious story you've told in your uniquely entertaining way.
Linda, that's the first time I have heard of an alligator lawn ornament as a means of keeping people away. I am figuring the people in the area know it is fake since it never moves. Interesting story about the blood type, also. I wasn't familiar with that at all. Thanks for another fascinating post!
Various: Nothing wrong with being different. My sons however are quite conservative.. NOW how did that happen??

Con:LOL... so do Christmas lawn ornaments bring disease too?

Romantic Poetess: You should look it up.. You just never know.

Schmoopie: Maybe the cement lawn gator here crawled over there.
Roaming gators:)

Chickenmaan: At 60 i fairly doubt it..:)
The Gator story made "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" so you're in damn good company!
Hi, we're the police, we're here to help you...
Oh yes, do it your way or no way at all. I like the Linda style just fine!
Told only as you could tell it Linda. And, as they say, truth is stranger than fiction.
That's a lawn ornament?!!! I think I might have been fooled too!
I worked for years as a lawn jockey.
Yow! "Tornado Gator." This sounds like a book, or better yet a movie. Great internal rhyme. "It's raining gators!!!" If you don't write it I will (maybe.)
Paul: LOL yes wait dont tell me mystery meat man.:)
Designanator: We are what we bleed
Enemy: exactly
BSB: Cannot be anything different than what we are
Trilogy" Yes it is
Little Kate: rather large dont you think?
Little Willie: LOL
What a story! I never knew that about the AB blood type either.
Biiiig Smiles. (To appease Kim Gamble, no emoticon today)
Muse: You just go ahead hahah
Sheila: I did not either..
Fusun: yes I know I read his blog last night haha
It's an unconfirmed rumor of course, but I've heard that the Navy Seals went into bin Laden's compound dressed as huge lawn gnomes... =o)

Folks, use the phone before the gun!
rated for gloriously funny stupidity.
You are one of the funniest most witty writers on OS a fact that is buoyed by you are also one of the nicest people on OS. Maybe sometimes nice guys (and gals) do finish first. I live in NYC where these gun toting morons frequently use unarmed kids for target practice, and as with the most recent case in Nassau county each other, so I guess lawn ornaments are a better option.

Programs like bad Boys depicting the Gestapo like tactics of our new police forces as heroic have done more damage to freedom in America than perhaps even the Bush family. We need to start issuing our own American fatwas on the lives of the treasonous individuals that make, promote, and advertise on these fascist vehicles.
At least in Fla. the gators are real, but they are too smart to hang around humans. It's those pesky palmetto bugs that you have to watch out for. Duck Here comes one now. R
Out of the box, indeed. :-) I love looking at the world through your eyes.
Damn- if that doesn't exemplify "To protect and serve" I don't know what does.
What worries me is that no one was worried about stray bullets. Once a bullet leaves the barrel of a gun, where it lands no one can accurately predicate: imagine if it were to have hit a child. R
gnomes rule!
well, if they were to, we'd have peace, and all of us would feel better.
oh. and there'd be a tax on plastic before it can be used.
i've said it.
Shiral: surely they had cell phones.. Probably fake ones with a cord between them

Jack: thank you kind sir.. I knew a guy whose friend was on COPS in LA. the poor guy could not jump the fence and tore his pants on camera. Keystone cops I tell ya
Ian: if you need gator shooting..

Joe: Well like Chelle said they all have stickers now to remind them
Cyril: Yes world peace..:) Gnome peace
Moist: Its a hell of a world outside this box
LOL! Your music choice really completed this piece quite well!!!
Hmmm? As long as its not a 'suicide gator' ?
Thems the worse kind.
Red mist and an awful mess.
Car has to be re-cleaned too.
Rated with an Ug.
"I was accused of being "too way out there""

Who hasn't? ;D

This mad, crazy kinda shit is happening in Oz too:
Now had they gone after the bathtub Madonnas and flamingos in my area I'd have been sipping Glenfiddich on my front lawn in front of the frog sitting next to the Venus fly trap that I use to enhance my flower bed.
I'm not surprised at all that you're a forerunner when it comes to fashion...and quirky news stories! Glad the editors finally saw reason, and thanks for bringing us this amusing - and troubling - tale. Poor 'gator....