Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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JUNE 8, 2011 9:51AM

Fake Orgasms - Becoming First Lady of the Theatre

Rate: 55 Flag

I was born in 1951 and sex was a pretty taboo subject in those days. In fact I heard my grandmother tell my very sick mother not to worry if she could only have limited sex. Grammy kept repeating that sex was only for “baby making” anyways. There was no sexual education in High School as the school board frowned upon it, and health movies issued very little on the subject. The only sexual information I had when I got married at 21 was from my father’s girlie magazines he hid in his bottom drawer.



Being petrified of the pain they kept mentioning when the hymen was broken; I remained a virgin until I married. The first few months of married life was brutal and our relationship deteriorated after that. There were no fireworks, no passion, just fear and an uncooperative husband.

For years after the marriage ended I faked orgasms and not one of my partners knew. I thought I was the only one when in reality sixty percent of women fake it. Only twenty five percent of men have done it and I imagine it is pretty easy to realize when a man fakes.

Or is it?


Women on the other hand can be brilliant actresses like Meryl Streep, to quote Jerry Seinfeld, and feel they must put on a show. They do not want their partner to feel they are not the perfect lover or know that they are insecure.

So do you fake orgasms in your relationships? How easy it is to create an Academy Award experience?

Here are some suggestions from the web if you care to fake:

10. Make sure you keep your eyes closed.

9. Make an occasional gasp.

8. Panting helps.

7. Grab the sheets or pillows.

6. Master the moaning.

5. Let your voice trail off if talking

4. Allow your muscles to spasm.

3. Grab and moan.

2. Let him know.

1. At the end…Tell him how good it was!

I believe that would be probably throwing an occasional,

"Oh baby!"


I was extremely lucky as some women never really achieve this "higher level". When the film “When Harry Met Sally” came out with Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in a deli I think it really hit home with a lot of people. I know I posed myself questions about why I was acting like a dog and pony show.

A 2004 study of 16,000 Americans, published by the National Bureau of Economic Research, found that people who are happy tend to be the ones having a great sex life. In fact the study found out that some women who finally experience an orgasm relate it to getting a huge raise at work.


If you find yourself in this position there is hope - I promise you. Finding the right partner and discussing things is a great first step to finding that Holy Grail called an orgasm. Of course we are not talking about the younger generation as they seem to have it all down pat as usual. I am just talking about the people of my generation.

I found this quote online and it says everything:

"Women are a little slower to come to action and some men don't know how to please a woman so my suggestion is:"

"It's your genitals, OWN them"



 Image and text : Linda Seccaspina

Due to terms of another site I must put this link in as parts of this was published there first.

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I didn't have an orgasm until I got divorced at fifty. Then I set out to learn things that my ex and I could just never figure out. I found out sex wasn't all about him and his thang. There Are men who know how to please a lady. Fantasy, play and mermaid sex have given me such fun in life that if I die tomorrow I die a happy woman. Thanks for this post. Those white pipes really turned me on!!
This feels like reading Redbook in the seventies and makes me sad for generations of women to whom a fake orgasm is like being a little bit pregnant.
I feel kind of weird posting on this one... ;-)
Hello lovely lady! I've rated and quickly skimmed through but need to come back to read more fully. It's nearly 1am here and I really must go to bed so for now ... Good Morning friend!
"And then she fakes, just like a woman..."
You gals faked it and we guys remained ignorant for too long. Or else we were young and didn't care.

Only one body part in all of nature that's solely designed for pleasure and guys don't have one.
Neil Paul: I think I am going to call you Mr Black and White of it all hahah
Zanelle: It takes years or sometimes maybe never.. Thought the pipes fit in..:)
Glad to have a new camera..

Kathy: sad to say it is still a huge reality

Rigrat: LOL I bet you do..I imagine there will be tons of others not related to me unconfy about this..:)

Little Kate: Sleep tight!
Muse: so well said and I am shocked there are two guys that commented hahah
This is too funny and I loved the phallic symbols throughout!! Own them is right!
Well written and interesting. The key is always knowing yourself. Literally.
Susie: I had other but chose to remain tasteful..:) Subject is hard enough for a lot of people:)

Sheila: yes I assigned a news article and then expanded it and put me into it hahaha. They would have not accepted the storm drains hahah
I love your photo choices for this post. ;)
Oh Schmoopie hahahaha. It was just the right thing for me hahha
If this elicited neilpaul's comment you have written a genius post here, friend. r.
If you fake it, then there is no incentive for him to learn. Learning is fun :-)
jon: Thank you.. I always await to see what magical words come out of Neilpaul 's mouth hahaha. me thinks sometimes he MIGHT be a lot of talk..:)
But good talk hahah
green heron : I so agree but some do not want to learn am I right??:)
Another delight filled post, I promise. I laughed, sighed and enjoyed every minute of it.
rated with love
The best sex is Aural Sex. That's when you listen to what your partner tells you feels good and you do it their way.
Oh dear........
I guess faking it is easier if you're having an asthma attack but I blame the man.

"No FRed(tm) the Vulcan Mind Probe doesn't use batteries and yes this little 'problem' IS why god invented the vibrate profile on cell phones for the Gals"
Just back to Rate with an Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

"Pass the kleenex FRed(tm)"
Uncomfortable here. Mainly because I feel bad for the probably many times my wife may have "faked" it meaning that I was inattentive, selfish or otherwise oblivious to the mutual experience. (damn, that sounds like something Dr. Phil might come up with). Anyway, interesting reading, Linda.
You mean when my wife says "Oh My God", she isn't talking about my performance. She isn't even religious, I should have known~~
romantic Poetess: thank you so much...HUGGGGGGGGGGG
OE : Aural as in celsstial??:)
Creekend: You are THE man for even admitting that. Not an esy subject for men.

Walter: well yu see how my fair loved one up there dealt with it in comments. This is not an easy subject and I am surprised I have this many male comments. I really am.. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Scanner: LOL .. in this case God had nothing to do with it haha
I cannot decide if I feel this is Pornography or Literature, ;)

However, it is wonderfully crafted. An excellent short piece.
In fact the study found out that some women who finally experience an orgasm relate it to getting a huge raise at work.
Oh the double meaning contained within!
In the 60's my ex-Marine drill sergeant high school gym teacher walked up to the podium and began the much anticipated boys only sex ed class with the line "O.k. you guys, this is it. The day we're going to talk about hormones, and let me tell ya this. I never met one who didn't."
Geez, Linda, this gave me pause, for sure. I'm wondering how many of my partners (Believe me, not that many!) were just faking it.

I, like you, had no knowledge of sexual matters until I met "Susan," who was 10 years my senior and I was a rebounding divorcee of just 28 years. She was a wonderful, wonderful lady who loved me enormously and I her. I learned much about sex and relationships from her. Susan never faked it. She was always honest - and patient - with me.
I love your take on this. And thanks for the "Seinfeld" reference - it made me crack up! (And that, I'm not faking!)
DH Austin: It is and it isn't.. had I not written the news article I would have never written this or added more..:) It is a subject people kind of shy away from..:)

Out on a Limb: Now that made me laugh

Alsoknownas: Now that was frank talk..:) with a hint of humour.

Flylooper: patience, now you said it all. Why do i feel like Dr Ruth today??:)
Awesome post Linda. A little sexual education is always timely. I do think this is all about connecting with the self and the partner. You've got to be tuned in to the right channel.
I don't remember being afraid. It must have been the heat of the moment.
Rei: exactly.. HUGGGGGG
Numen: there was no heat coming from me hahha
Wow Linda, your pictures are brilliant illustrations for this post which is funny and sad and everything in between. In truth I am a self learner and started at a very early age by accident. It was after a girlfriend described the same experience that I saw I was not alone and that this experience even had a name. rated
Rosycheeks: Welcome to our generation:)
If I know "it" is just not going to happen, I just relax and focus on the other person. Pleasure is not dependent on orgasm. :)

Thank you Queen Miko..:)
The only things that I know about this and related subjects are things that I have picked up in my reading. This was an interesting read.
No excuse for women not to have orgasms since penises now come in every size and shape and color and glow in the dark and spin and do cartwheels.All women should visit their local sex shop with a friend ..and wear dark glasses and a hat like I do when I go once a year.I'm not that liberated yet to march in with out a disguise:) xoxo
"...a guy reaches the point where a lot of his satisfaction comes from what he can do for his partner instead of from his own orgasm..."

Ned considers faking a form of generosity; he knows the orgasm matters to the woman but is bright enough not to blame her for the problem.

Sex: Men fake it too
It was a symptom of the times, I guess. Since no one would ever tell me that orgasms even existed, I certainly had no clue as to what is was SUPPOSED to feel like. Imagine my delightful surprise when I self-induced my first. Then I got furious for being allowed to miss out all the previous times! LOL Great job on a "touchy" subject.

The pictures are hilarious.
Being of the same generation I really identify. We were kind of groping our way through sex for a long time, literally. Some people are just late bloomers, I guess. :)
That's it. I'm filing for divorce. Thanks, Linda!
I was born in 1951 too, and I don't remember sex being a taboo subject back then. The nuns and my parents talked about how bad it was all the time. (rim shot)

My favorite gag to pull on a guy in a locker room who's going on and on about his sexual prowess is this:

Me: Do you know what sound a woman makes when she's really, really satisfied?
Locker room lothario: No.
Me: Huh--I didn't think so.

(rim shot)
Brassawe: No foul balls for you..:)
Diary: Some people get back massager too. More buck for your bang..:0

William: here is what and idiot I am.. I had no idea males lacked an orgasm from time to time. I learned something new this week doing research hahgaha

Lezlie: I am shocked how many people commented on this touchy subject.
Fernsy: I thought they fit in.:)
Lea: Im a hell of a rose now..:)

Ahh Con_ you make me laugh..
Maurene: I had no mother and when I started I hid until for lamost a year until my grandmother found out.
Linda, you are such a hoot! But this is oh so true
Linda, you are such a hoot! But this is oh so true
Peggy: yes it is hahha
"A 2004 study of 16,000 Americans, published by the National Bureau of Economic Research, found that people who are happy tend to be the ones having a great sex life. In fact the study found out that some women who finally experience an orgasm relate it to getting a huge raise at work."

The problem is how happiness is defined. The study suggests it's an economic thing, which I think is a staggeringly narrow definition. I like much better your solution, Linda: the right partner and discussion, even if it's embarrassing. BTW: I could swear I saw the ghost of Freud hovering hazily in the background of the photos. He was grinning.
Ohh jerry, you are my Freud...:)
Awesome post. I think all women have faked them at one time or another!
Awesome post. I think all women have faked them at one time or another!
I first learned what an orgasm when I asked my parents what the "orgasmatron" was for, in the Woody Allen movie, "Sleeper." They had already told me that people didn't have sex just to make babies but because it "feels good." An orgasm (I don't remember whether it was my mother or father who said this - I watched the movie with both of them - was "the way sex feels good; the orgasmatron gives people the same feeling as sex - but orgasmatrons don't exist in real life."
At 10 or so, that was sufficient explanation. A year or so later I discovered it for myself, and was able to associate the experience with the word because of things I'd read in the interval (most notably "Are you there, God, it's me, Margaret?" by Judy Blume).
So, did I ever fake? A few times when I was very young and insecure, and my partners were, too. Young guys are pretty inept!
Well this is a subject that could be written volumes about. But there's only one question I have and it's for zanelle. What is mermaid sex???? I must know immediately! Only for the well being of my clients, of course. Another very funny post that packs a lot of meaning. Glad OS was working so I could read.
Ordinarily I would never say this to a lady but you brought it up. Woman can not fake squirting all over the place and unless your woman is doing just that then you are not really a man.
Just Kay: so nice to know there many of us in the sisterhood

Eva: I know it was your awesome mum.. I just know it was with sex talk and Woody Allen..:) Judy friggin Blume.. There used to be a US clothing store called Judy's and I thought Judy Blume owned the chains..
Yup grand ideas just like young men..:)

Jack Heart- I think you have beat Neil Paul's comment by a mile today. Trophy being mailed.:)
I like the honest, no-bones-about-it, tone of this post and I like Luminous Muse's observation. At first I thought it said there was a correlation between having an orgasm and getting a raise at work, in which case, I'm way overdue for the latter.

Get yer Ya-Ya's out, baby!
I'm glad I came of age when it was no longer...required?...that women fake it. I learned that from women's mags in the early eighties, long before I knew was an orgasm was. I just knew it wasn't suppose to fake "it" so I never did. (Neilpaul's comment made me laugh. I'd fake it with myself to make myself feel more attractive. That I'd do!)
I'll be forever grateful that I grew up in a time when the sexual revolution was happening/had happened. I grew up with some of those repressive ideas in my household, but let's just say I ditched them in a big, big way long, long ago. Weh-heh! And I'll second lschmoopie's comment: the photos are hilarious.
Jerry Seinfeld has orgasms? Who knew?
Scarlett: LOL
Get yer Ya-Ya's out, baby! INDEED:)

Bellwether: I have a feeling you and I were Cosmo readers.

Various: Things are so damn different now.

Little Willie: Did he??:)
If I had to say anything on the topic, as it is difficult for a card-carrying shy person to speak about such things, ladies do NOT allow yourself to go without. No fakies, ever!
Well, THAT was liberating. Essay well done, Linda!
Once I did all ten of those suggestions, but then I realized my wife wasn't at home.

One of my favorite movie scenes is in "Klute," where Jane Fonda, as a call girl, is faking an orgasm while checking her watch.
i hereby rechristen you as the dr. ruth of open salon!
if any women need some help with this, feel free to let me know :p
Pre When Harry Met Sally, I wouldn't have thought that any woman I'd been with had faked one. Given the stats though, I guess I can't be too sure.
I find I am my own best lover :)
well, forgive my ignorance, but are you faking a clitoral
or full blown cosmic vaginal orgasm?
o o baby is good for the clit one but
any experienced male needs to see, hear, smell, taste,
and bring into his own mighty rhythm the
simultaneous syynchronous minutest muscle movements

with plenty of physical evidence after
like, well, girl goo,
and also the red hot patches and flashes
mysteriously on the lady's skin.

and the aftermath when in fuck's sake,
the worst sins for a man to mutter are
1.wuzzit good fer ya
2.didya or dintcha?

a male is expected to know such things. a gentleman, at least.
There is a recent stage play called "In the Next Room" or "The Vibrator Play" by Sarah Ruhl, which is a really interesting take at this issue from the turn of the last century...there's a stage direction about the orgasms on stage being not at all faked...which is such a terrific idea...what does a non-faked orgasm look/sound like?
Anyone who yells "You're the King! YOU'RE THE KING!" has to be faking.

*runs from room before explaining that*
Linnnn: You get the gold star today for your comment.

Cranky: I remember that!!:)
Cyril: LOL
Vzn: Craigslist is just one search away.:)
Abrawang: I was so shocked at the statistics
Lunchlady2: LOL
James by the stats there was stinky partners there
Chrissie: It was an american test not a canadian one..:)
Helvetica: I love Sarah Ruhl
Xena: Past ex? :)
what are orgasms for again?

note:the monkey broke everything
If I'd waited for my mother to educate me sexually I'd still be waiting. What little I learned from her embarrassed me because I could tell behind all that 1970's"Was It Good For You" Openness, she was dying of embarrassment herself, thanks to belonging to the granddaughter of Baptist Missionaries who Just Didn't Talk About Nasty Things Like That.

Alex Comfort's The Joy of Sex on the other hand was a treasury of factual unembarrassed information sans religious baggage.

Yeah, I only fake with myself, I hate it when I cry!! What? :D

Wheeeeeeeee! I love gold stars. And orgasms.