Linda Seccaspina

The Tayles of Emileeeeee McPheeeeee

Linda Seccaspina

Linda Seccaspina
July 24
Formerly called The Maiden of Death by Derek Raymaker Xpress Magazine
When you wish upon a star
Linda's column can now be read in The Humm newspaper and online. Also pick up an issue of Screamin Mamas magazine from Florida for a peak at some of my writing.>> My idol is former mentor and OPRAH senior associate producer Elizabeth Coady. Taskmaster extraordinaire but learned so much from her, and if I could be 1/8 as talented as her I 'd be laughing.>>>>> My books "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" "Cowansville High Misremembered" "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities" and "Cancer Calls Collect" now available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle >>>>>>>All covers also done by Diana Ani Stokely GRAFIX to go.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Cowansville High School Misremembered" book is now out as a fundraiser for the school._______________________ ___________________ Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee. Linda Seccaspina was born in Cowansville Quebec about the same time the wheel was invented. _____________________________________ She used to own clothing stores in Ottawa and Toronto Ontario Canada from 1974-1996 called Flash Cadilac, Savannah Devilles, Nightmares and Flaming Groovies. _____________________________________ Her brain tries to writes stories about her menopausal life and a host of other things she gets annoyed at. _____________________________________ She has two sons, Schuyleur and one that does not want his name mentioned. She has a grandson called Romeo who is a Boston Terrier and a grandaughter Bella who is a french bulldog. _____________________________________ Linda loves people quite plain and simple and loves to hug.. Yes, she is one of "those".


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JUNE 6, 2012 6:56PM

Suicide- The Failsafe

Rate: 51 Flag
I have been up for hours and am exhausted before the clock strikes eight. I eye the sink full of dirty items while the dishwasher lies four inches to the left. The house is silent, and soon I know the air will be filled with anger. 
Walking outside I water the just planted begonias, knowing full well once I leave they will die; much like the limited peace that lies between the walls. I have come to think the house is cursed, but then realize that things were like this before anyone moved into this home. Years of anger still scream through the roof, and the house wants me back,  but I will never grant the four walls their wish.
The larger dog sits with me on the swing and cuddles next to me. He knows I will soon leave and his life will become empty again. My heart cries for him, but it is either his life or mine, and there is no other solution. The lord of the manor is not in a good mood, so I will embark on a journey somewhere else today. I pose him a few questions and nothing but silence follows my words, so I immediately blame myself for his reaction as I did for years.

I know in my heart that I do not deserve this treatment, but in my mind I am shaking with fear and anticipation that he might lash out at me for hours. How many more days can I endure this without falling apart?
Yesterday morning I sank to the depths of hell and barely crawled out in time. There is no answer except possibly death that will find me relief from his distant presence. I am free, but yet I am not, and I slowly sink into a hollow world where nothing hurts me.

I wake up and feel the imaginary cloud of blackness cover me once again, and it brings me back to a place I had been in a very long time ago.   My mind is  breathing in a pit full of black sticky tar, and there no way to get out. Slowly I feel myself suffocating from my thoughts until I can no longer breathe, and then I give in to the darkness again, and became no more.

In my dream I awake with tears in my eyes and  remember  the day that was going to be the last day of my life. I dressed slowly that morning as I glanced around at my surroundings and knew they would suddenly be alone. I had made up my mind, ran down the stairs, and jumped on the bus to my destination. As I sat on the subway, I closed my eyes as I went through 6 minutes of darkness while the train went through the tube under the bay. It was almost like the dark before the storm, and my fingers grasped the edge of the seat knowing there was no turning back.

I took the bus to the shore and watched the waves come in one by one. They were dark angry waves,  and I walked towards them inviting them to take me away to the sea. The edge of the waves tickled the tips of my shoes and beckoned me to walk further into the bay. I knew if I followed their dark directions I would be immersed in a riptide of  cold water with no chance to correct my mistake.

Instead, I sat on a bench, and wondered if I was going to suffer much when I carried out my mental ambition. I looked to the bridge and the fog still hung like Christmas stockings on the edges of gray metal. Maybe if the bridge was merciful that same fog would carry me down softly to the depths below and simply ease me down slowly into final peace.
I knew once I jumped it was going to be like hitting a concrete wall and if I was lucky, it would take me less than five minutes to drown in the cold water where the bay met the sea. If I made a mistake and jumped feet first I might survive and live in pain for the rest of my life.  Did I want that? Was it not like what I was going through in real life, and if I commit suicide will the wrath of the Devil come and push me to the boundaries of Hell?

For weeks I had thought of the Golden Gate jumpers, and mentally replayed them, fascinated that the end could be so near.  As I walked along the narrow road to the bridge my fear suddenly disappeared.   I had walked its length once before, and knew that in 4 seconds I would be flying towards what I considered the final freedom of my mind.

Death might take seconds as my body would plunge deep in the salty water where no angels would be rescuing me just yet. It would not be a pretty death, and suddenly a silly thought of fish dining on my mortal remains scared me. Years of not being afraid to attempt the almost terminal extension of life had now been thwarted by the fear of fish.

In the years that passed I knew the bridge would always be there to beckon those who had given up. The clouds of pills and mental pain would remain for years however  until I realized life was not a mistake.  One day a young child would display the same past thoughts as his mother, and tales would be told that life was to appreciate and to live- for we have all come too far to fail.
Photos and Text- Linda Seccaspina 2012
The words: "we have all come too far to fail" is from a literary friend of mine Rita Bourland. She wrote a poem yesterday and I knew these words fit my blog about mistakes in your life. 


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I am so happy the angel on your shoulder knew you were afraid of fish....knew just when to whisper.
Wow- That is INTENSE. I'm so glad you stepped back from the edge- you have so much to offer...

'Life is not a mistake- life is to appreciate and live.' Good thoughts...
We can't choose what others do to us, we can only choose what we do to others. So many choose to use fists or fistmouths, and make the world an ugly place. You choose to give hugs, and help cancel out the ugliness. It scares me when people like you consider escape.

I know the blackness that called to you, have heard it call my name. I wasn't as strong as you and went to meet it but I'm still here, fate chose differently for me. You're wanted and needed, I'm selfishly glad you stayed.
*Heaving sigh of relief*
So glad you're still among the living. It must be a painful process, writing all of this out.
Lunchlady: we are on this earth for a reason
Thanks Enemy_ there are many people that have thought like me and today I had a woman say after she read it she understood what was going on in her brothers brain and was not so furious now with what he did. She could not understand and now she did.

Bleue: no one's life is perfect - it's understanding that and becoming who you want to be which I have. Imagine is my fave song.

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one
PoorW: It has taken many years to finally write this. Not easy
a great post...not much else to say except that I'm happy you are here.
A brave and beautiful post, Linda. I am glad you did not succumb to your pain. xox
You say "mistakes in your life". You mean your life, right? Living in constant pain, I bet I've thought of hundreds of ways to kill myself over the years. I always come back to ODing or a car and carbon dioxide. But, like you, I think I'll hang around. My life has more of a purpose now it seems. Maybe it's a illusion, but it's all I have left.
I too am glad you're here. This must be such a dark place to be and you've described it well. It's never been something I've considered but I know those who have (and some who have pulled it off).
Normally, I wouldn't recommend someone live with their fear, but this one's working for you! Stay focused on them fishies!
Best thing you've written, Linda. It isn't just the water that's chilling....
Thanks Rugrat
Erica; If someone reads this that has experienced a dark world they understand and if someone has lost someone hopefully they will have some sort in insight

Scanner: Amazing isnt it after all these years that we finally get it.
various;dark places come and go and we make choices.

Thanks Tink
Niles: yu betcha
Bonaerges: I made a comment when you did your newspaper piece of the admiration I have for you and other newspapermen like Matt Paust. Getting the word out clearly and concise in a limited amount of time is tough tough work.

I write an average of three blogs a day now and interned with a tough wonderful woman for the past few months.
If you want to write you learn and take criticism. I do my best and will never be famous etc but I write.. and if something touches someone then I have done my job.

Thank you kind friend
Linda, you are such a beautiful and creative soul. Please hang on. I have depression, so if you should need to talk to someone PM me.
You are truly a great writer.
Kathy: I am okay now.. this happened a few years ago but was brought on by an anniversary of someone's attempted failsafe.
Excellent piece Linda. I know how it feels to be so beaten down you don't know how to go on...and yet we do persist. Life is beautiful, if sometimes terrible, and we can't let it go.
So grateful for your loving presence her among us. What a gift you are.
This is powerful, stark writing, Linda. Life, life, we choosse life because we must.
Stark moving piece Linda, blown away by the writing here. It coils up and unravels, tense.
I am, we are, delighted you are with us, Linda.

Maureen: We cannot pick and choose our lives sometimes, so we make the best of it. Rita B said it best.

Rita: This piece has been in me for a very long time and I don't know if I would have finished it had it not been your words. Thanks so much.

Nana- Thank you for your kind words-We look to everything but ourselves to make us happy- when if we looked closer we would find it all inside us once we dusted it off.

Rita: Thank you, I write every day but only once in awhile do I strip it down. That occurs when the soul tells you it's time.
Can't imagine the darkness that you and my friend Delia felt. I am so glad that you turned things around and now have become a true writer, with much to share with us, and a huge heart as well. Brave writing.
Ms. Linda, I think I made a veiled comment on your last bridge post alluding to the jumpers at the Golden Gate. No surprise, this was in the back of your mind too. This image along the way caught me: "the fog still hung like Christimas stockings on the edges of the gray metal."Hanging fog and Christmas stockings ... a depressed and creative mind would make the connection. Bravo for you, your perseverance in writing, and the spirit that has kept you afloat (no pun intended). :)
This is wrenching. Wonderfully written, but painful to read. I'm sure it was also painful to write, but you did it beautifully. It's so good to know that it's in the past and that you got through it. Knowing that and reading your story will undoubtedly resonate and be helpful to others.
Beautiful writing, so moving. I am so glad you are here.
Redemption can come from many places, yours starts in your heart.
A moving, powerful and well written encounter with depression.

Thanks Lea: we fall between the cracks sometimes

Scarlett: That GG anniversary photo blog gave me the creeps to do as it was too close for comfort. I took the photos from the bottom to show the power and the draw that bridge has in its belly.

JSL: I had someone last night thank me for it so if it helps a couple of people that is just super.


Kevin thanks bestie!!
Dianaani: My heart gets me into a lot of trouble and misunderstandings sometimes but I will not stop being me. I think your heart is bigger I swear..:0

Thanks Ian- depression hurts us all sometimes
thanks Jon.. you must have come in when I was commenting.
I am long past suicidal and deep into getting my revenge by living well. Well done, Linda. Glad you stayed here.
Nice to know a little more of you through this post.

Love and hugs to you and congratulations on writing your book.
Zanelle.. you learn
Rolling: thanks so much!!
I imagine that most of us have had those moments Linda. Funny how something so seemingly beside the point, like the fish, triggers the pull-back. That section "There is no answer except possibly death that will find me relief from his distant presence. I am free but yet I am not..." reminded me me of the lines of one of your countrymen, who I believe has also found a home in California:

And I just don't care what happens next
looks like freedom but it feels like death
it's something in between, I guess
it's Closing Time
As I was reading this the only thought that was going through my mind was the hope that this was all fiction......
THESE PICTURES ARE AMAZING. They capture the mood of the piece perfectly- great job Linda- you are brave for telling this painful tale of adversity and inevitable triumph. Bravo gf!
Wise as ever, my dear friend. Excellent piece. R
Linda,you bring beauty,the images,the book,the writing,the friendshiρ you give.The images are stunning!!A very strong writing...and I think the most intense feeling a human can live.The fight between the ""Me,myself and I"" is exhausting..But I think Zumalicious wrote the best:Living well is the best revenge to life!!So thank you for sharing,so rated!!
(((Linda))) good god this has been a weird moon. At work, too.
Glad to read you are out of the fire, but still, stay safe, now and always.
Beautifully written, Linda. You conveyed the darkness well, both in your words and images. Glad you came into the light.
A gripping tale, expertly told, Linda. I hope to God it is fiction. R
I’m with Kosher here Linda. This is beautifully written and photographed, as always with you, but you really need to get these morbid thoughts out of your head. You have children. How do think the rest of their lives will go knowing their mother, in spite of her literary talents, flung herself from a bridge? You can drop me a PM if ever you need to discuss this. I know a little bit about death and hopelessness.
HEY!......u cant go yet.....who the hell is gonna hug everyone?.....Tink?....uh-uh...
So beautifully written, Linda. "Life was to appreciate and to live- for we have all come too far to fail." Yes! Thank you so much for sharing this.
So happy you changed your mind. It's hard to forget those dark places, isn't it?
Read and rated this post yesterday, but didn't comment because I wasn't sure if it might be a work of fiction. This morning I read all comments and re-read the text... "for we have all come too far to fail."

Glad that you choose not to fail, every time someone makes that choice, they're still around to help the rest of us.
Oh Linda. There are no words. This is most poignantly written. Rated with admiration.
Brava! One of your best pieces, Linda. Glad you exercised free will and lived to tell about your darkest moments.
Abra: Funny how Leonard Cohen speaks for most of us but we don't see it. A lot of people have felt like this but never say anything. I chose too.

I love life; not a piece of fiction- and I want others to know that it is not 100% hopeless- there is a light at the end of a tunel

Hayley: As we have talked it has taken a long time to get this piece out. It's done and I can move on to other writing.

Thoth: thank you HUG

Stahi Stahi: some never get it and Zuma is 100% right.

Julie: Hayley mentioned to me about moons and I think she is right. But there have been many wacky moons before I wrote this. I just was not ready.

Schmoopie: there is light and that is why I try to write mostly 'heart pisces: I heart you my friend.

Kosher: I am fine- once I was not.. I was not fine at all
Zuma: It was late last night when I commented.. I called you the other Z word here on OS.. apologies..
You are 100% right
Kosher: I am quite fine thank you.. HUGGGGGGG I finally wrote what had been in me for years. Something triggered it and I am glad it did.

Gerald: Like others a true story

Jack: here's the deal. I like a lot of other people had a really bad childhood. At 18 I suffered a nervous breakdown because of it. My father's answer??? That no one in his family had mental illness and no one ever would. Good answer Dad! For years and years and years I suffered because of denial and then my own denial something was wrong.

You sweep nothing under the rug under my rule and my children are quite aware of their mothers history as I always speak the truth and admit I was wrong in what I did.
Holy moly that was close-phew!
Echoing what Lea said, very brave writing.
Steel : I am not going anywhere and thank you for caring.
Clay: and so we should and not run everyone into the quagmire
Miguela: This was something I wanted to write for years only I could not.
J_Mac- I am a very stubborn old woman now.. No more dark thoughts
Michelle: Like I said in another comment and Hayley Rose knows this. A total stranger commented on her site that she finally understood what her brother went through and her anger at him had diminished. If you can get a few people to understand that is my mission.

Belinda: Seriously?? I began part of it last summer. This took years to write this so my official response is its all going to be crap after this hahahah

Matt: as you well know.. I hate fish and I hate water:)

Lady: sometimes you just have to speak for others.
I'll be driving across that bridge tomorrow. I'll think of you and be grateful you came back from the edge.
Sweetfeet I have not been across that bridge until two weeks ago. It was pretty traumatic.
I've said it before, but I will say it again: I'm sad beyond words that you had to go through this. And I think in posting it, you've done a great service to others. I think this could speak to someone and bring them comfort, maybe even save their life.
Alysa, after I finished it and I do believe you might have read the first part this summer I thought the same thing. HUGGGGGGGG
I won't say I've never had those thoughts. I have. I think, though, for me, it was more of an idle curiosity of what's on the other side of this mortal reality? Once I thought, "All I have to do is bend my knees and lean forward and I'll know in a few seconds."

Never seriously considered it, though. I figured I should do my best to deal with what's here. Better the Devil you know, right?

This is the first thing I read today after my first official phone shift as a suicide prevention phone volunteer. Being driven to the bridge is a terrible, I know; I'm glad you found a reason to climb down to solid ground.
Dearest Linda,
I am sure it was difficult to write these words. You have written them in a way that opens peoples eyes, not only to their own suffering in this life but to an awareness of the pain that others near them may be suffering. This is so well written and deep and thoughtful. You are a courageous and loving woman, I am so happy that you are here to share your gifts. We all benefit.
rated with love
Dunneitowl: "All I have to do is bend my knees and lean forward and I'll know in a few seconds."
Too easy isn't it?

Margaret: there are always reasons.. we just have to think and understand them and good judgement is usually fatally thrown to the side sometimes.

RP: you too have read some of this and other connecting bits last year. It was just a matter of dealing with it and hoping someone might read it that is thinking about it.
This took my breath away.
Depression sucks. Sometimes, when it really grips me, the only thing stopping me from pulling the trigger is a severe distaste of messy endings and a morbid desire to see what's going to happen next.
Bless you for living.
I haven't had a suicidal moment in a long time, btw, but damn that seduction!
Thank you Patrick.. all I have to do is look at pictures of it and feel the same way

Doug.. you are so right.. it;s seduction at its finest.
Good to have you here. Imagine what would have been lost. I remember reading about those who survived the fall and how they were glad they failed. I wish they'd put a quote to that effect -- from a survivor -- on the bridge.
I now BW... right next to the suicide call phone.. Good idea.
Having lost a sister to suicde, I'm always trying to learn the mental state. A poem I wrote on OS ends with
"I mourn for the psyche
of those beautiful minds;
while I celebrate the
simple fact
can’t imagine."

I'm so sorry that you, Linda, did imagine. & thank god for the fish.
I started writing a whole heap of stuff but really, all I want to do is give to you what you always so lovingly give to everyone else ......


A heart-wrenching yet beautiful post, Linda.
If possible3...your photos only get better.