I have been up for hours and am exhausted before the clock strikes eight. I eye the sink full of dirty items while the dishwasher lies four inches to the left. The house is silent and soon I know the air will be filled with anger.
Walking outside I water the just planted begonias, knowing full well once I leave they will die; much like the limited peace that lies between the walls. I have come to think the house is cursed but then realize that things were like this before anyone moved into this home. Years of anger still scream through the roof and the house wants me back, but I will never grant the four walls their wish.
The larger dog sits with me on the swing and cuddles next to me. He knows I will soon leave and his life will become empty again. My heart cries for him but it is either his life or mine and there is no other solution. The lord of the manor is not in a good mood so I will embark on a journey somewhere else today. I pose him a few questions and nothing but silence follows my words and I immediately blame myself for his reaction as I did for years.
I know in my heart that I do not deserve this treatment but in my mind I am shaking with fear and anticipation that he might lash out at me for hours. How many more days can I endure this without falling apart?
Yesterday morning I sank to the depths of hell and barely crawled out in time. There is no answer except possibly death that will find me relief from his distant presence. I am free but yet I am not and I slowly sink into a hollow world where nothing hurts me.
I wake up and feel the imaginary cloud of blackness cover me once again and it brings me back to a place I had been to a very long time ago. My mind is breathing in a pit full of black sticky tar and there no way to get out. Slowly I feel myself suffocating from my thoughts until I can no longer breathe and then I give in to the darkness again and became no more.
In my dream I awake with tears in my eyes and remember the day that was going to be the last day of my life. I dressed slowly that morning as I glanced around at my surroundings and knew they would suddenly be alone. I had made up my mind, ran down the stairs and jumped on the bus to my destination. As I sat on the subway I closed my eyes as I went through the 6 minutes of darkness while the train went through the tube under the bay. It was almost like the dark before the storm and my fingers grasped the edge of the seat knowing there was no turning back.
I took the bus to the shore and watched the waves come in one by one. They were dark angry waves, and I walked towards them inviting them to take me away to the sea. The edge of the waves tickled the tips of my shoes and beckoned me to walk further into the bay. I knew if I followed their dark directions I would be immersed in a riptide of cold water with no chance to correct my mistake.
Instead I sat on a bench and wondered if I was going to suffer much when I carried out my mental ambition. I looked to the bridge and the fog still hung like Christimas stockings on the edges of the gray metal. Maybe if the bridge was merciful that same fog would carry me down softly to the depths below and simply ease me down slowly into final peace.
I knew once I jumped it was going to be like hitting a concrete wall and if I was lucky it would take me less than five minutes to drown in the cold water where the bay met the sea. If I made a mistake and jumped feet first I might survive and live in pain for the rest of my life. Did I want that? Was it not like what I was going through in real life, and if I commit suicide will the wrath of the Devil come and push me to the boundaries of Hell?
For weeks I had thought of the Golden Gate jumpers and mentally replayed them, fascinated that the end could be so near. As I walked along the narrow road to the bridge my fear suddenly disappeared. I had walked its length once before and knew that in 4 seconds I would be flying towards what I considered final freedom of my mind.
Death might take seconds as my body would plunge deep in the salty water where no angels would be rescuing me just yet. It would not be a pretty death and suddenly a silly thought of fish dining on my mortal remains scared me. Years of not being afraid to attempt the almost terminal extension of life had now been thwarted by the fear of fish.
In the years that passed I knew the bridge would always be there to beckon those who had given up. The clouds of pills and mental pain would remain for years however until I realized life was not a mistake. One day a young child would display the same past thoughts as his mother and tales would be told that life was to appreciate and to live- for we have all come too far to fail.
Photos and Text- Linda Seccaspina 2012
The words: "we have all come too far to fail" is from a literary friend of mine Rita Bourland. She wrote a poem yesterday and I knew these words fit my blog about mistakes in your life.
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Comments
'Life is not a mistake- life is to appreciate and live.' Good thoughts...
I know the blackness that called to you, have heard it call my name. I wasn't as strong as you and went to meet it but I'm still here, fate chose differently for me. You're wanted and needed, I'm selfishly glad you stayed.
So glad you're still among the living. It must be a painful process, writing all of this out.
R
Thanks Enemy_ there are many people that have thought like me and today I had a woman say after she read it she understood what was going on in her brothers brain and was not so furious now with what he did. She could not understand and now she did.
Bleue: no one's life is perfect - it's understanding that and becoming who you want to be which I have. Imagine is my fave song.
You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Erica; If someone reads this that has experienced a dark world they understand and if someone has lost someone hopefully they will have some sort in insight
Scanner: Amazing isnt it after all these years that we finally get it.
various;dark places come and go and we make choices.
Thanks Tink
Niles: yu betcha
I write an average of three blogs a day now and interned with a tough wonderful woman for the past few months.
If you want to write you learn and take criticism. I do my best and will never be famous etc but I write.. and if something touches someone then I have done my job.
Thank you kind friend
You are truly a great writer.
r.
Rita: This piece has been in me for a very long time and I don't know if I would have finished it had it not been your words. Thanks so much.
Nana- Thank you for your kind words-We look to everything but ourselves to make us happy- when if we looked closer we would find it all inside us once we dusted it off.
Rita: Thank you, I write every day but only once in awhile do I strip it down. That occurs when the soul tells you it's time.
Rated.
Scarlett: That GG anniversary photo blog gave me the creeps to do as it was too close for comfort. I took the photos from the bottom to show the power and the draw that bridge has in its belly.
JSL: I had someone last night thank me for it so if it helps a couple of people that is just super.
HUGGGGGGGG Sheila..
Kevin thanks bestie!!
Dianaani: My heart gets me into a lot of trouble and misunderstandings sometimes but I will not stop being me. I think your heart is bigger I swear..:0
Thanks Ian- depression hurts us all sometimes
Love and hugs to you and congratulations on writing your book.
Rolling: thanks so much!!
And I just don't care what happens next
looks like freedom but it feels like death
it's something in between, I guess
it's Closing Time
Glad to read you are out of the fire, but still, stay safe, now and always.
Are you OK?
R.
Glad that you choose not to fail, every time someone makes that choice, they're still around to help the rest of us.
I love life; not a piece of fiction- and I want others to know that it is not 100% hopeless- there is a light at the end of a tunel
Hayley: As we have talked it has taken a long time to get this piece out. It's done and I can move on to other writing.
Thoth: thank you HUG
Stahi Stahi: some never get it and Zuma is 100% right.
Julie: Hayley mentioned to me about moons and I think she is right. But there have been many wacky moons before I wrote this. I just was not ready.
Schmoopie: there is light and that is why I try to write mostly 'heart pisces: I heart you my friend.
Kosher: I am fine- once I was not.. I was not fine at all
You are 100% right
Gerald: Like others a true story
Jack: here's the deal. I like a lot of other people had a really bad childhood. At 18 I suffered a nervous breakdown because of it. My father's answer??? That no one in his family had mental illness and no one ever would. Good answer Dad! For years and years and years I suffered because of denial and then my own denial something was wrong.
You sweep nothing under the rug under my rule and my children are quite aware of their mothers history as I always speak the truth and admit I was wrong in what I did.
Echoing what Lea said, very brave writing.
Clay: and so we should and not run everyone into the quagmire
Miguela: This was something I wanted to write for years only I could not.
J_Mac- I am a very stubborn old woman now.. No more dark thoughts
Belinda: Seriously?? I began part of it last summer. This took years to write this so my official response is its all going to be crap after this hahahah
Matt: as you well know.. I hate fish and I hate water:)
Lady: sometimes you just have to speak for others.
HUGGGGGGG
Never seriously considered it, though. I figured I should do my best to deal with what's here. Better the Devil you know, right?
--r--
I am sure it was difficult to write these words. You have written them in a way that opens peoples eyes, not only to their own suffering in this life but to an awareness of the pain that others near them may be suffering. This is so well written and deep and thoughtful. You are a courageous and loving woman, I am so happy that you are here to share your gifts. We all benefit.
rated with love
Too easy isn't it?
Margaret: there are always reasons.. we just have to think and understand them and good judgement is usually fatally thrown to the side sometimes.
RP: you too have read some of this and other connecting bits last year. It was just a matter of dealing with it and hoping someone might read it that is thinking about it.
Bless you for living.
I haven't had a suicidal moment in a long time, btw, but damn that seduction!
Doug.. you are so right.. it;s seduction at its finest.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
"I mourn for the psyche
of those beautiful minds;
while I celebrate the
simple fact
that
I,
myself,
can’t imagine."
I'm so sorry that you, Linda, did imagine. & thank god for the fish.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
A heart-wrenching yet beautiful post, Linda.