If someone asks how I've been, I tell tell them: "I won the lottery, traveled the world and am dating supermodels...and you?"

I hate small-talk too, which is why I hate going to parties at which I don't know anyone. They're nothing but an endless stream of small-talk with people you'll probably never see again.
R

I completely 'get' this. I am cut from the same cloth and had to realize awhile ago some people are not. That's O.K. No one is better or worse - just different desires. It makes bumping through life so much easier.

Best to you.

You're right. When most people ask "How are you?", it's just a conversational tic. They really don't give a tinker's dam about what's really real.

Further to what John says (oh, Lord, what have I done?), if you're in a crowd, they're staring over your shoulder looking for someone more interesting or important to talk to.

My feeling is, there's small talk, and then there's, I dunno, tiny talk? If I ask someone how they're doing, I really want to know. But I hate when people say things like that in a tone of voice that lets you know they don't care.

And then there's telemarketers. None of the stuff they say along those lines is believable to me, no matter how they say it, because if they really wanted me to have a nice day, they wouldn't have called in the first place!

Did you also notice they don't really give you an option of another answer either? Just how are you and then on to them. We are talking about the same people right? The I really could care less people but this is what one says? I get it completely!

@AndNowForSomethingCompletelyDifferent: love it!

@john: I agree. I am getting a bit better at it tho. I just pretend that I'm still a journalist and that it's my job to talk to people I don't know or like.

@Sparking: thanks. It's true, not everybody values the same things.

@Boanerges1: I hate it when people do that. I've been known to just walk away when it happens. I don't tolerate rude behavior well.

@LuluandPhoebe: It's OK, you can handle the truth! I dislike the retail phoniness too, especially the "How are WE today?" Grrrr.

@lunchlady2: Yes, we are talking about the same people. Most definitely.

@littleboxofspoons: The obvious I don't cares sometimes don't get any response from me!

Performing small talk actually gives me anxiety attacks!

My brother has been doing the opposite for quite awhile now. It started after his divorce, when he was still feeling pretty bitter . . . he found it hilarious how many people he drove off, just by being honest.

I think he's quit with the bitter, now . . . but made a pact with a buddy at their high school reunion to only be honest with everyone they spoke with . . . and was rewarded with a number of unbelievable confessions and tears.

Well-considered musing, emma peel . . . well done.

a well-written muse, emma. it's always interesting, that conversation that happens out there in the air between voices and the one that goes on in your own head at the same time. it's a good resolve i think you have.

@Deborah: I know what you mean! The thing is, I'm actually quite good at talking to people I don't know. I just pepper them with questions -- the old trick of getting them to talk about themselves.

@TheBarkingLot4: I'm doing quite well, up and down, but mostly up! I relate to what you wrote. I have sometimes asked the same question. People's responses to the truth after my brother died were interesting to say the least.

@Owl_Says_Who: Your brother and I would probably get along. But bitterness is usually a turn off no matter how righteous it is.

@JK: Thank you. I have been in cultures and circles where people are comfortable with silence. I never thought I would ever say this but I think I want to go on a silent retreat some day. I'd start with just one day and see what happens. I know you've done it. I'd probably slow down a whole lot!

Grand post. That deeper connection is vital.
Rated.

I've never known an artist that could talk human intercourse well. it's like we have this gene to create and it trumps the gene that everyone else has that makes them all loosey goosey with one another. i'd rather puke than go to a social thing with people I don't know that don't love me. that's the clue here. if they love me, then I can speak all my gibberish and they'll understand, pat me on the head and pour me some wine or pass me a nice butter cookie.

otherwise they look at me or one another like "who let this nut into our nice party?" and then I REALLY say stupid things.

so no. I will never get the hang of social "niceties".
fuck that noise, which is what it is.

o I would so fuck up any silent retreat. or maybe not. but I'd mutter curses. for sure.

we should probably do away with the whole "how are you" thing. Even if I was interested... I usually get a brief "fine, thanks" and the connection never had a chance.

Well done, Emma. I've been asked a great many questions people don't want the true answer for...the older I get, the more amusing I find that...xox

I'm with you, kid. I've sometimes thought I'd actually pay extra for a line at the grocery counter where a sign promises, "The clerk will not ask you how you are."

I see small talk as little murmurings. These little sounds are not meant to communicate our deepest feelings and perceptions; they are meant to make people we don't know relax, and feel comfortable to be in our proximity. That comfortableness may lead to a deeper friendship - in which more refined communications are made - or it may not. Either way - it's a good skill to have.

Hmm... there's a lot to that.

Not big on small talk myself ...though they're a little cliche, I've always liked this one about the nature of truth ...

"the truth will set you free but first it will set you on fire"
and this one
"there's three sides to every story - his, hers, and the truth"

*rated

Perhaps something similar in me is why I work from home. I don't remember exactly when it was that I realized that folks don't really want a truthful answer to much. I don't get many opportunities for small talk from my home office and I don't miss them.

This subject is a provocative one; please forgive me, Emma my dear, if I am over-commenting! It helps me to think of small talk as a kind of easy, gentle conversation - the kind of conversation that makes no demands, requires no previous knowledge or familiarity or wit. It is the kind of conversation that is easiest for strangers to offer each other; an "entry-level" conversation, if you will. Good small talk skills allow two complete strangers to stand together, acknowledge each other and to formally transmit certain basics - an experimental extension of good will, a gesture of respect, a tentative interest. During small talk (as opposed to standing in mute silence), we pick up cues as to whether or not we wish to continue conversing with the stranger. Does he speak English? Does she appear kind? Is there any mutuality? What vibe am I picking up? Friendly? Uninterested? Wacko? It is from these few minutes of meaningless, rote exchange that we are able to pick up cues about a complete stranger, important initial cues which help us to gauge whether we are able to gently move forward, or to gently retreat from the impulse to "get to know someone".

A high school teacher of mine also told me few people are really interested in our truths....especially negative things going on in our lives. Boy, was she right! Thanks, Emma.

how about those Lakers!

I also hate small talk. Someone recommended a book to me called The Art of Small Talk and I thought, "Why cultivate this?" I will just say, "Fine," though, when asked how I am, because I figure most people want that answer. Even though I won't much start small talk, I can now pass and repass, as my Great Aunt Pearl used to say.

I do small-talk because it's expected but I dislike it, too. I always feel stupid saying "I'm fine" when, in fact, I'm anything but. There are only a handful of people in the world who really care, though, so it would also feel stupid to share the truth with the don't-give-a-hoot majority...

I don't like small talk, but I put the "how ya doin'" stuff in a slightly different category than idle chitchat. The "how ya doin' stuff is more akin to polite murmurings.

For a while a few years back there were lotsa folks who'd get their shorts in knot whenever someone said, Have a nice day. The criticism was of the assumed insincerity. And maybe in one sense it is insincere, even if the sayer is clever enuf to add something like, Hope you get that job, or, Hope your wife's feeling better yada yada, which personalizes the insincerity a tad. But, what's the harm in a little boilerplate exchange of friendly nothings?

It's a cultural thing. In Australia they say, G'day, mate, in England it's, How do or How d'ya do? That's when people meet. When they part it's Cheerio, pip pip or Good day or Goodbye or Farewell blah blah blah. Street culure evolves minute by minute, but even these folks - kids usually, the hippest of the hip - they have their little greeting and parting rituals. "Dude" to meet, "Later" to part, altho these are probly sooo yesterday by now.

What's the harm? When I ask somebody "How ya doin'," I don't expect to stand in front of my Post Office box and listen to a recital for the next hour. Sometimes I do, but not routinely. So why do I say "How ya doin'?" Just to acknowledge the other person, affirm the familiarity, to be nice. What else would I say? Well, a lot of younger people - not the street kids, but their parents (I'm older than that) do the "Hey" to meet and "Take care" to part. What the hell do these words mean literally in the context? I dunno, and I don't care.

If there's going to be a conversation in front of my P.O. box it'll either be short and sweet, with a few more small talkies thrown in to convey friendliness, or it'll be a real catch-up session with someone I haven't seen for awhile and like well enuf to actually wish to exchange information with.

But there are times I skip picking up the mail because I hafta pee or I just don't feel like engaging with anyone, not even someone I really like. I just wanna get on home.

So, anyway, it was good talking to ya, take care and y'all come back, hear? (r)

My standard answer for the unthinking "How are you?" is "Peachy Keen."

It always draws some kind of amused reaction.

:-)

Not sure the extent to which I really want the truth, friend, but this definitely provoked thought.

and the truth is, even this blog results in small talk... but you knew where I stand before you posted it. ;-) cheerio

Well, now I wish I'd read Monsieur Chariot's comments before I blathered on. He says much more eloquently than I did or could precisely what I was trying to say. Adieu, then!

I doubt this will be any solace to you, but I struggled for years with the same issue. To me it just seemed stupid to respond "I'm fine." I worked with a woman that I really admired. She had a way at setting people at ease and she could chit chat with the best of them. I tried modeling some of her behaviors, one of which is the dreaded "I'm fine." Really I was surprised at how doing that one little thing was able to ease the rest of the conversation. So, that's what I do now, I'm an I'm Fine'r. Though it kills me a little bit every time.

When someone I don't know is about to ask, I just say "good" before they open their mouth. They don't care about the answer, so I don't care about the question - it dispenses with the whole thing much more quickly, and also leaves the other person just a little puzzled, which gives me a little smile.

I don't mind the chitchat, but I fully support the honest approach as well. I've told the truth often when asked this question, and while I've mostly gotten horrified looks, occasionally a connection, a real one, is made.

I go out for a walk -- no small talk there -- and come back to many thoughtful comments. I agree with Monsieur Chariot and ClarkK that small talk is the "murmuring," the social glue that binds us together. There can be something incredibly comforting in that kind of "meaningless" social interaction. I often talk to people when I'm waiting in line, or at the doctor's office. I invariably address and thank clerks, servers and other service people. And like ClarkK said, sometimes I don't want to hear other people's truths any more than they want to hear mine.

That said, I am glad to hear that other people struggle with this, and that sometimes deep connections are made, even when we least expect them.

ha! I love this. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I HATE when people actually tell me how they are doing, and I have no desire to tell people what's up with me. I do, however, love small talk...but "how are you?" can turn into a bundle of TMI to quickly for my tastes. Great post.

You are so right. I didn't do it for years and years. I had to teach myself to do it for the business world. I hate having to sit after a meeting and think how much more do I have to tell this person and how much longer do I have to listen to them, so that I can get out of here and I won't be considered rude..... EHHH

I don't mind small talk on special occasions (i.e. fundraisers, events, brief morning chats at the copier), but usually find it sterile. I honor its importance as social lubricant, but much prefer authentic conversations. We don't have tons of company on this point, I'm afraid.

OK, you've convinced me. My only greeting/acknowledgment from now on will be a slight nod of the head.

Seriously, though, I don't think we're lesser people because we may not want to or may not be capable of handling all of the truths of everyone we may run into in the course of a day.

yeah, me too.
and see you thought you had nothing to write about and then you write this

I was brought up to make small talk. It was considered good manners, in the stuffy British sense, albeit not quite as rigid and mannered as characters in a Jane Austen novel. I just have this unfortunate habit of blurting out the truth. And it used to get worse when I tried to be quiet or diplomatic. I have a bit more of a handle on it now, but it's still tenuous.

I agree about dumping on other people. I sometimes have to remind students that there are things that I don't need (or want) to know. The confessional that has become American culture appalls me, because for the most part, it is not authentic, or considered.

I like what you said, especially "it just is." When I'm in the line and the clerk has been trained to be a machine and asks how are you. I respond honestly but gently. It may come out as "a bit tired, thanks for asking" it could be "pretty good, thanks for asking". At that moment they will stop and look up and I say "and how are you?" I wait. They will usually respond almost in kind, they usually smile. I don't know how to change the program they're looped in. All I can do is make sure they know I saw them. It takes just a minute. Sometimes they don't respond, okay, maybe they'll remember later on or not. What makes me crazy is that they have to ask "did you find everything you need today?" Huhn? It's a little late to ask, what whacko thought that up?

Have a groovin' day.

"Looking for a deeper connection with people who can handle the truth."- AMEN!! That would be my story too, and I am sticking to it..
SMILES!!! ~~giggles~~ You go girl!

I understand. I just say, "Perfect and you?" This gives them what they really want-an opening. I just follow. I have serious things to discuss with others but it is the rare one who wants to engage. That is why I write to release things. I have noticed a really interesting thing. Not one of my male friends ever reads anything much I write or the videos I make but their wives often do. Odd thing...

This is my least favorite part about skiing: the trip up the ski lift with a stranger where you're expected to do the small talk dance: how ya' doing?, where do you live? and what do you do for a living? Every once in a while though I'll bump into a fellow introvert and we can just ride up together in silence.

When people ask me how I am, I usually respond with "i'm fine," because, quite frankly, I'm sure they don't want to hear that I have yet another cluster headache. I don't want to hear that I have another cluster headache. My friends ask me how I'm feeling, or how my head is. Strangers ask how I am. Only if I don't feel like it will sound like I'm whining do I tell the truth. So, I guess I'm with you, Emma.

eh, I'm not so good at faking how I feel, but I have learned to use "fine thanks" to mean 'piss off'. ;)

I don't think "how are you?" is good small talk. Used to be, people weren't so personal. They'd greet you with a "good morning", "welcome", or merely nod in your direction. When it comes to strangers and shop personnel, I hate to be questioned.

Small talk is such a waste of time. That's why I spend most of my time alone and the rest with people who actually care about how I am. It's just too draining to have a fake smiled plastered on my face for long periods of time.

Emma~I'm so with you on this one. I can't stand small talk, I want to know what's really going on with people and I want them to want the same when they ask: how are you? My gut instinct, like yours, is to flat out tell them: I'm nervous. I'm pissed. I don't really want to be here right now-you?

I wish we could keep it real more often. Why is everyone so afraid to just lay it out there? It is so wonderful to really connect? If I can't do that I'd rather not talk at all.

Maybe this is why I rarely answer my phone. Boy, does that piss people off though. Time is precious, why waste it on bullshit filler?

" For most of my life when people asked me that most banal but common of questions, how are you?, I would tell them"

heh heh heh. I do that sometimes too. One time I was at a rest stop out on I-70 somewhere around midnight, and this guy walked past me towards the restrooms, nervously asking, from politeness I suppose, "How are you doing?" Without thinking about it, I said "I'm a little freaked out actually." You would have thought from his expression that I was getting ready to murder him or something:P

I've noticed too that as real connection diminishes, small talk becomes more invasive. I think it has to do the confessional culture, but also that many people are not learning manners/respecting or recognizing boundaries any more.

Eden -- I so hear you. I've often wondered why people are so damn afraid of someone saying they don't like something or someone, or that they don't feel well/are unhappy, and leaving it at that. It doesn't have to be more than a sentence or two, and yet people freak out. Maybe it's the culture of "nice" that Stellaa sometimes talks about. Just because someone doesn't like the same things you do, or feel the way you do, it doesn't reflect on them, or threaten them in any way. It's simply the truth, and let it go at that.

I take your point CrazeCzar but I was pretty clear that my context is not about thinking I'm too important or too good for small talk. I did address some of your other concerns with context in my comments.

I do not like to make idle small talk. That said, I make small talk ALL the time. The difference is, I try to make a real connection, however minimal. For example, when I buy something at a store, I will notice -- truly notice -- the salesperson or clerk and ask them a relevant question, or make a relevant comment. I've had several people witness me doing this and they are surprised. From the reaction I get from those on the receiving end, I am reasonably certain that they appreciate that someone recognized them as a human being and not a worker bee there to serve them. When I go back to that store and see the person again, they almost always remember me and greet me. That is authentic small talk, at least to me, and more significant than engaging in "how are yous" when both parties know it is a meaningless charade. If people want to ask "how are you," that's no skin off my nose. I'm just choosing to do it a little differently.

What are your thoughts on mindless dribble? I am an expert on it. : )

BTW, small is the lubricant for s----- intercourse? Who knew! I thought it was K-Y Jelly. What do I know?

R

Sorry, typo! That was "small" as in small talk.

The best way to stop someone dead in their tracks when they ask you a question that either requires the truth (that they may not like or want to hear) or that is none of their business at all is to simply respond, "Why do you want to know?" I'm not uncomfortable making small talk (in very small doses), but I much prefer substantive conversations. If you are armed with two or three really thought provoking questions you will realize quickly if the conversation has anywhere to go. If they are not, consider it your get out jail free card.

I love truth. Thank you for this post Emma Peel! Very good. R.

I used to really hate small talk, was lousy at it, and tended to avoid events where it was pretty much required. Over the years I'm come around to the view that M. Chariot, ClarkK and a few others espouse. I'm still not crazy about it, I don't go seeking it out, but it's part of the social landscape. It's like trying to avoid the sky cuz you don't like blue.

If circumstances warrent, I might to to slide in some commentary that could be of general interest. Right now I'm busy as hell at work. So if some asks, I'd reply "Well, I'm looking forward to some vacation in May". Or as it gets closer, I'll certainly reply that I'm looking forward to the World Cup. That usually gets them looking over my shoulder for someone more simpatico but sometimes not. At other imes it's just "OK". That's all the situation calls for.

I do like to be surprised by those who come out with "The Truth". Unless it's the long-winded self-centred variety.

I'm with you on this too. In my smallish city I've earned a little "reputation" by now, so in social settings most chit chatty people avoid me now. But I actually enjoy myself at parties now talking with other people who hate small talk, since they are the only ones who will talk to me.

"I'm pretty good for the shape I'm in."

Someone who is no longer with us used to say that all the time when asked how he was doing. It seemed to work.

I am taken aback and then fall madly in love with anyone who answers honestly when I ask, how are you? I can grit my teeth and make small talk, but I really only unclench when there is a real possibility that the small talk is a prelude to something more substantial.

While honesty is most often admirable, complete and total honesty in every situation is not even desirable. For a taste of what that might be like watch the movie The Man Who Invented Lying. It's one of those movies that at first seems comedic fluff, but there's an ocean of depth beneath the surface. I think it might open your eyes to the beauty of an innocent lie.

I agree, Tom, but an awful lot of people can't handle even a tiny amount of honesty. If someone I don't know well asks me if they look good, and they don't, I demur politely and say something non-committal . But most of my close friends know that if they want to know the truth, they'll get it fr0m me. They choose whether to ask or not.

You are my kind of gal, emma! r

Gads. I 'hit the dirt floor when the You Tube started screaming. I rolled up in a fetal ball.
I just realized I do that.
When a parole bill collector calls, I say`Thanks for calling and asking how I am feeling today.
I go on and on and whine about me.
I tell them the truth and feel heart sore.
I say`Thanks. You are the only calls I get.
Then, I rant about war, lawyers, barrooms,
and ask the caller to stop over for mead wine.
I say`I hate machine automated phone voices.
Please get a cab and we can cry on my `suffas.
I am serious.
huh? sorta.
I never realized this.
I tell people how I feel.
Eventually, about 1/2 hour later,
Thee Indian caller cry`I feel sick too!
I say`Come over for ferret soup. okay.
Maybe this is the reason folks scamper.
I suggest`Let's weep on our shoulders?
I guess I shall lie? I feel like a stink bug!
This Spring the grey Stink Bug is awful!
I flick Stink Bug with my middle finger!
I am sad I've been angry at Stink Caller!
I try a first commenters idea. Buy beer!

Bravo! My sentiments exactly. I don't like small-talk or window-shopping. Excellent post!

I would rather cocoon in my little writing nook for several weeks at a time than be faced with making small talk on the outside. And, I wholly subscribe to the ideology that "your opinion of me is none of my business" so I can let fly with the truth, no holds barred.

Emma, Thanks for the post and the incredible thread it inspired. I think Monsieur Chariot makes an elegant and sound argument for polite chit-chat. It is a social lubricant, and on many occasions in big cities where I stood alone with one other person late at night on a subway platform, the small talk is a relief to both of us...perhaps more assurance that neither one of us has ill intent.

"How are you?" is an unconscious reflex in many folks. It is with my colleagues, and it never hurts anything to say "OK" and leave it at that.

One strange thing I have noticed lately is that some people will say "Hello, fine." before you ask the question. I gthink this is also an unconscious reflex.

My response is usually, "Do you want the truth, or would you prefer I just say, 'Fine, thanks!' and leave it at that?"

Makes 'em stop and think for a minute. :-D

"Honesty is such a lonely word;
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard"

Billy Joel (for those who don't know).

Rated. Honestly.

the artjames solution of tell everything then buy beer is probably the best one I read here.

I'm a great line talker. I can talk to anyone about nothing and everything. when we know our time together is only going to be 78.4 seconds, we are in calm waters. I make acquaintances in supermarkets, doctors offices, waiting for something or other. but this business of cocktail chitchat is not my cup of tea. if someone asks me how I am, that's the least of it. I'm fine, healthy, happy and that's it. but there's SO MUCH to say, so much to share. do you really want me to share it? no, you probably don't. at least that's been my experience. there's a manner I have not learned and it doesn't look like I'm going to learn it any time soon.

to me that's the essence of being with another human being, that I DO want to share. but when we're in these situations, all of us together, drink in hand or sitting staring at the crown molding, that is not what is desirable.

the point seems to be keep the conversation flowing, which means not focusing on yourself or an observation but to share someone ELSE's thoughts or observations. As in "did you hear what *** said about the environment? or boils? or feminine hygiene spray" but if I make it personal, about me, it's not going to work because the listener is deciding whether or not this is a wise investment, this conversation. and whether or not they want to share with me or whether this is the proper venue for sharing intimacies about one's preferences in art whch too many people know very little about anymore, liquors, environmental solutions or cooking methodology.

yep, i had some trouble with this for a long time, particularly when i went through a long period of work and family stress. they'd ask and not want to hear it, and that was good because i didn't want to tell them. finally i made up my mind to accept it all and also that i was going to feel better and to hell with the torpedos. i started responding "perfect". either they'd run away because they knew i was crazy or they'd laugh and then run away because they figured they were crazy for asking. and if this is the best of all possible worlds, we all must be perfect. so, emma, you're perfect, too.

now let's go cry in our suds.

I agree -- small talk is a useful skill. But sometimes, I can't resist a little innocuous truth. When asked, "How are you?" by someone I know reasonably well, I'll test the waters with, "I'm ferocious," or "I'm reasonably fierce." I've overheard a few of my fellow conversationalists using these answers, themselves.

I'm essentially the same way. I'd rather get to the meat of something than just general chit-chat. Some people don't like honesty, I'm not one of those people. If I'm asking how you are, I actually want to know.

Good one!

I hate small talk , foolish monkey said it for me. F the noise. I get it all the time from salesmen talking about the stupid weather no matter how blas'e I am they just keep on chattering.

Hi Emma, I have a friend who asking that question can definitely be a no-no by no uncertain terms either. It is not even the beginning of dialog , as the answers are too tormented, the rational beyond what conveys as the norm, for many that are beleaguered and seething with anger over past events and other issues affecting anything from what can be seen as normal to what can be seen as off the wall, is ever present when people start to question what is supposedly normal.

I can relate to this very well. Being a very honest person, I often used to answer this question the way the author did, with the same results. I've pretty much resigned myself now to just going along with it and answering 'fine' and then going about my business before people have a chance to follow this up with more questions or comments, as some do. Add to this that I'm an immigrant to this country and I'm still not used to strangers greeting me and often nosing into my personal business.

Asking "How are you" is, at its base, a way of saying "I come in peace. Are you safe? How can I help you." So when a person says this, they are not asking about your personal life, they are speaking in terms of your relationship to them. If a stranger says it in the city, they are essentially asking "are you lost? Do you need help?" They can't help you with your personal problems, so when they ask you are supposed to say "Yes, I am fine" because they cannot help you. If you tell them they are doing bad because your sister is mad at you, they become confused because they cannot help you with your personal problem.

I get this and have been trying to do better about it myself, especially with colleagues. Picture this: early January, 2008 - me & snooty exec in an elevator. She considers me a peon and I know it. she has never actually spoken to me before, other than that time she asked me to step aside while I had my arms full and surrounded by piles of files so she could take the short way to her office, thereby saving her an approximately 28 precious seconds of her busy life. apparetnly uncomfortable with the silence, she asks me how my holidays were. I think for a moment that I should say something cheerful, but I can't do it. Instead, I tell her the truth - that the blizzard canceled our Christmas Eve flight so we were forced to spend the holiday at home sans decorations/food/festivites and then my cat died so really I'm just happy to be back at work. I'm thinking she would have been more omfortable with the initial silence...

Haha - all these writerly introverts here! Well, it stands to reason. The people who love small talk, who actually can't live w.o. it, are all OUT THERE *talking* to each other, while we're all in our basements (figuratively, at least) interacting at extreme distance via the computer, snicker.

L'Heure bleue - Oh boy, am I with you on that Have-you-found-everything-you-want line. I'm not a ninny - I waylay clerks (when findable) and bloody ask before I ever get near the check-out.

Francisco is right - "How are you" doesn't really mean "How are you." It's just a friendly/I-come-in-peace sort of noise. (LOTS of things we say aren't intended literally. But maybe we writerly types, who think about words, don't find that natural.)

---- I really feel uncomfortable (especially if I visit several stores in a row, as I do when I leave my hermitage and go shopping for necessities in town) with this How-are-you-today at every check-out. I usually just say fine-thank=you and don't ask in return, feeling churlish about it (it's not the clerks' fault - they're told to do this). I notice a new line that clerks have been told to include occasionally at check-out: "That looks tasty/interesting/whatever" and try to engage you in a brief exchange over your purchase.

Going back to bed now and pulling the covers over my head...

My grandmother said “nothing is more exhausting than insincerity”
when someone that is not interested in a true answer to their question "how are you?" I ask "what color are your underware"

Love the comments - and R, for sure!

Why is it that when I answer "How are you?" by singing "I'm alright don't nobody worry about me . . ." from the movie Caddyshack that is invariably what that person immediately begins to do?

I don't understand.

Word up, woman. I actually cringe when people ask me how I am...well, not everyone. But when people just throw it at me and expect some pat response, sometimes immediately. Like I fucking go around knowing how I'm feeling second by second? And even if I did, I have to go and reveal it just because someone asked?

I mean, I'm being a little facetious...but not entirely. I think when people genuinely ask me, I respond simply enough. But many times, it's so obviously a space-filler - and I don't operate like that. Especially because its asked within seconds of meetings. Maybe that's it - if people would wait a damn minute or two, take a breath and ask me, I'd be more responsive.

Great scene to prove your point. I didn't even have to watch it (I've seen it before) - his face says it all.

Small talk hurts.

"So how ya doing?'
My stock answer: "Ah, you know, saving the planet and masturbating. Not necessarily in that order."

Yeh, girl, me too; and it ain't easy.

Now we have text talk instead of small talk, btw, and I'll brb. We drift even farther down the communication highway. I can handle the truth.

I like this. I like you. No small talk, just the truth.

'mornin...'
'afternoon...'
'evenin...'
'gnight ...'
That about covers it.

HOW AM I………I ALWAYS ANSWER AS SUCH……….

ROTTEN; HOW ARE YOU?

This being my standard response lets me know what robotic state the person is in. 9 times out of 10, I get that’s nice; I’m fine. Giving it a few seconds to sink in somehow wakes the enquiring individual up. Depending on how dense the person is (such as a new teen age cashier) Sometimes I am answering with (“well if I won the lottery, I’d be feeling much better”) Depending with the response to that, I carry on with a boatload of (I gotcha) humour. By the time my transaction or just a social elevator meeting, the questioning party 99% of the time comes to reality life and exhibits a smile.

You just can’t hurt the feelings of an old 75 year old trucker that has dealt with almost every attitude that exists. So how was your day? Rotten as well?……….Ha-ha……Gotcha. Take care and live for tomorrow. ………. Old Bill…AKA The Diesel Gypsy, (Canada)…..Retired.

PS; Emma Peel was my dream girl. Too bad we were an ocean apart.

I usually try to get away with "I'm fine, thanks, and you?" when someone asks me how I am, but last year, one acquaintance, whom I hadn't seen in a couple of years, kept asking questions and wouldn't let me deflect the conversation to him. Finally I told him the truth: I'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer. His response was (verbatim): "Breast cancer? Really? Well, you look great. But maybe you haven't gotten to the bad part yet." So much for gracious social discourse, on his part and mine.

I've wondered since then if he just lets people get away with, "Fine, thanks, and you?"

Most people don't really want to know how you are. It's just a formality. Start telling them about the green wart on your left thumb and watch them back away...
As for "have a nice day," it's been used to DEATH!
Have a nice day.

I think the best comment you can make to someone , that you feel is a decent person, is something that will make them happy or cause them to laugh. No one should cause anyone any angst in small talk, unless it is your true intention.

When talking about "truth" and other people's questions and conversations, I must add how dishonest it is when some act so glad to see me when, in fact, they hardly know me, and so on. Pretending to be interested is so phony and dishonest. I've always preferred to ignore those I really don't want to talk to rather than put on a phony display of pretending to care about what they have to say. I always speak to others, but usually keep on going rather than stop for meaningless chit chat....

I recently saw the movie " A Few Good Men" and enjoyed it immensely. I saw it years ago and remembered the Jack Nicholson scene and famous line " You can't handle the truth". Has more meaning for me now than years ago.

I contend most of the time for my life that is an important question/statement. I think it is all about degrees. Some times knowing the truth only puts us in a dark place. Life can be such a struggle and even though the truth can be freeing for one it can put another in a bondage. People have a lot of secrets and there is that question do you love me enough to accept the truth. I contend that would be the question Shakespeare would put to us in these contemporary times. A variation of Shakespeare's to be or not to be? rated~~