A few months ago, a friend of mine sent me this by e-mail.
In view of the highly-charged atmosphere redolent these days amongst our friends on the right, stoked persuasively by the likes of Messrs Limbaugh and Beck and Ms Malkin, maybe our approach to their calls for 'secession' should be this:-
Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue Stateswith us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California. Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, New Mexico, Nevada, Indiana,Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of our new country: New America.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, much of the wide open spaces where Buffalo once roamed and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom and Enron.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make your fellow red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of singlemoms.
Please be aware that New America will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in the Bush/McCain Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 per cent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 per cent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 per cent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 per cent of America's quality wines(you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 per cent of all cheese, 90 per cent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, Princeton, the University of Chicago, and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 per cent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 per cent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 per cent of the tornadoes, 90 per cent of the hurricanes, 99 per cent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 per cent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.
Additionally, 38 per cent of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 per cent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 per cent say that evolution is only a theory, 53per cent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 per cent of you crazy people believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that crummy weed they grow in Mexico .
I'd actually add to that: 'Don't let the door hit your collective asses on the way out and, by the way, you'll need a VISA to enter New America ... and that's not a credit card.'