Back in the 80's, when date rape became a known thing, the campus where I attended college tried to clarify the problem. They advised that some men clearly did not understand what actually signalled consent (some thought that being passed out drunk at a frat house signalled consent, others that clothing signalled, others that playfully saying no signalled...).
A protocol was needed and this is what they said we should all do:
Regardless of the circumstances, at the point of no return and even if you are sure that the answer will be positive, you must ALWAYS ask your partner, "Does this mean that you want to have sex?", in those exact words. Wait for a verbal response before proceeding. Then go to it.
Hilarity ensued. A male roomate comes over, puts his package on the table and stands there, expectantly. The only response was "Does this mean that you want to have sex?"
A woman walks past your table on the way to the garbage can and deposits a can, you then ask, by way of introduction, "Does this mean that you want to have sex?"
And the converse, you walk in, put your grocery bags on the counter and tell your boyfriend, "This means that I want to have sex."
Despite the real mirth and to this day opportunities to send coke through my partner's nose, it did raise awareness of the problem of perception and may have deflected quite a few "dapes".
An older and more tired with a toddler in the house version of this is the now classic in our house, "Oh my god, what is wrong with you, does this mean that you want to have sex?"
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fingerlakeswanderer
zanelle
Are You Talking French?
Greer McVay
bluestocking babe
Brent Troth
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Comments
I think that date rape is closely tied to binge drinking or alcoholics who routinely over imbibe. This is NOT an excuse. Rather it is pointing to the fact that there are two problems that need to be addressed. Teens and young adults are too inclined to consider getting snockered acceptable. Drinking until you pass out or get sick or lose all ability to use good judgement is a dangerous thing that should be stigmatized, not encouraged. And I think one of the problems is too many parents don't take it seriously. And don't take date rape seriously.
I will step down from my soap box now. Thank you.
This degree of exact verbal exchange is what it takes to make it clear for some people, especially under 25 people, what your sexual intentions are.
people are so unclear about all of this, and many times willfully so, that this is what it takes.
We laugh about it in our house, but we have better words and understanding. There has to be something for those that don't. maybe it is time for literal questions to have a comeback.
I went to Antioch!
NC State University, the one with the excellent basketball program.
Micheal Jordan was on the team when I was there.
They also have a pretty good design school.
a. you shouldn't have to ask that if you are naked
b. you have to ask that because people get naked without knowing each other
c. they made it a universtiy POLICY
d. there was no admonition at all to avoid the situations, just to communicate effectively about it
e. absoutely non-sexy wording
f. wildly large opportunity to use inappropriately
g. supposed to be used by people under 25
I could go on. Let me just add that after 20 years of time to get used to it, when it comes at you out of the blue, approp of nothing remotely sexual, it is still killer funny.
But the rape hotline number at the end of the post is accurate and I did invent the word "dapes" to describe real events.
Small quibble: I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan was a Tar Heel, not a Wolfpacker.
I remember Jordan because he played AGAINST us!
And they lost a lot!
The basketball players all blur together for someone afraid to be in Reynolds during a game, it was one of the last wooden stadiums for collegiate play. The Wolfpack wof has been passed over my head and everything. But the players all blur together.
From wikipedia, to correct the error and to correctly place how important basketball was when I was in college.
I may have gotten Jordon on the wrong team within the UNC University system, but I do remember Valvano.
"North Carolina State, coached by Jim Valvano, won the national title with a 54-52 victory in the final game over Houston, coached by Guy Lewis. The ending of the final is one of the most famous in college basketball history, with Lorenzo Charles' dunk at the buzzer off a high, arching air ball from 30 feet out by Dereck Whittenburg providing the final margin. This contributed to the nickname given to North Carolina State, the "Cardiac Pack", a reference to their often close games that came down to the wire — in fact, the team won 7 of its last 9 games after trailing with a minute left in the game. Both Charles' dunk and Valvano's running around the court in celebration immediately after the game have been staples of NCAA tournament coverage ever since. North Carolina State's victory has often been considered one of the greatest upsets in college basketball history and one of the best in sports history."
At NCSU, it was all about the basketball.
I remember an unwise decision to go to the Duke tunnels after a particularly devastating win and getting trapped by the crowd. My future husband and ex-boyfriend formed a front and back to me and got me the hell out of there. Surreal.
After that, I kept my revelry down to taking hillsborough street with the crowd after games.
Ironically, now my husband works for Duke University. So now we don't know who to pull for...but it makes Duke/NCSU games especially exciting.
I can so totally relate. Ah, the effort of it all at the end of a long day when the kids are finally in bed and staying put!
At knifepoint, saying yes when you mean no and being a good enough actress to be convincing might save your life. This is something a lot of women know and a lot of men enforce.
It did for me. I am here and both he and I know I meant no, but that I would play along if he wouldn't kill me. I really don't care any more about my integrity at that moment or anyone's opinion that I should have fought or ran (not options at the time), or anything else about it except that I am alive and unmutilated by that hunting knife.
(Perhaps if I knew how to field dress a moose, I might have disarmed him and eviscerated him and not been raped...but back to reality.)
Now slide that good judgement scale back to a quasi-violent guy you don't know very well that looks like a quick-shot anyway and you can see how when the duress is greatly less, the decision to say yes and get the hell out of there is still fairly great.
Maybe the propensity of men to fall asleep after ejaculation was something built into the system to allow for a convenient escape window for women who just need a minute or two to run.
But those are dark thoughts on a dark topic.
The PC policy of trying to deal with rape with a "statement of intent" is the ludicrous point I am taking a jab at. And another reason why it is funny. It doesn't address the power issue. Only nice people would have ever used the policy and truly "nice" people, even drunk truly "nice" people, wouldn't be the ones raping you, now would they?
You better be hittin that right with that degree of frequency...I'm just sayin....damn.
Not that I am doing any better, mind you. I have GOT to get more action than this.
But feel free to use my pick up line...it works every time. Apply at any vague but definite action and await approval.
For old married types, there is also the delayed approach, to say that you want sex two days before you actually want it in order to make all of the necessary arrangements. Baths and kids to bed on time and possible pornographic references just to remind one of what the activity in question entails.
Cause if you want chili on Wednesday you got to start the crock pot ot on Tuesday...
...if you know what I mean.
How do you know which ones are "with or without benefits?"
And if, in fact they want to have sex? Or is this risky business and you could end up with no friends?!? In the case of my close friends, it is pretty understood, that we love each other a lot, but "no tongue!"
friends with benefits are people who have no emotional attachments to sexual acts with their friends. people of my generation are not these people but I know some people who seem to be genuinely ok with it.
I am not them and never was. Sex is a meaningful act to me.
I am right there with you! Sex, serious, sacred, committment, family, personal, intimate, special, giving of oneself, not casual as in the reference to "friends with benies..." I was just being a bit dry, tongue in cheek, as this newer sexually accepted norm has definitely hit my youngest daughter's generation, which appalls her, thank goodness.
And I also had an educator's note, which was that I always felt good when people I was teaching started joking about the course content, since to do make a joke about it, they had have taken the content in and understood it. So I took it as a sign that I'd done my job.
(A very funny bit about the mundanity about partnered sex can be found on YouTube : Flight of the Conchords' song "Business Time". Don't have a link but search and view - you'll love it)
On the serious side, I also found your description of what you did to survive the rape very affecting. I think that your comments and those of other women after my own post are more evidence of just how common these experiences are, sadly.
Every bit of it changed me. I don't like crowds enought to go to live sporting events, I prefer a few close friends to a horde, I will never be raped again, and I did not know what high was until I had my son growing inside of me.
Some people blog to talk about themselves into a void. OS is more like an echo chamber with distortion fields. I say things and then it comes back twisted and I realize that what I meant may not have been what I said.
The 'best" posts I have made heare started as a comment that got long enough that I made it into a post with some elaboration and cleaning up, ability to edit and all that with pictures.
This post helped me realize that the rape is no longer a "hot" button for me. I used to angst about it and how it effected everything for me. Now I have weapons in every room in my house and a child to protect, which leaves my virtue a distant vision of something to protect.
Age brings perspective and eventually wisdom, you hope.
Glad to hear you feel that's true for you.
Comments>>>>posts makes sense. Similar to freewrites>>>manuscript. Gestating. As many writers have said, you write not to record what you already know, but to find out what you have to say.
Thank you. :)
(And if this rape survivor feels this way, you can bet that a few others do, too.)
RIP Jimmy V.