No snacks.  Real housewives in New York are rail thin and would not approve.

Except Bethenny.  But you would not want to eat any of the things she thinks are awesome.  There is no cheese involved.

In the following, "Ok" means "I cannot believe how awful these people are.  Real people of anywhere would know that that is not ok."

Welcome housewives of OS!!!!  And Dudes!

Recap montage.

See previous pre-game for details.

http://open.salon.com/blog/epriddy/2009/02/24/pre-game_nyc_housewife_liveblogging

Alex-still status

Dis-countess-still snooty

Jill-still elite

Ramona-still don't need a man

Kelly-fabulosity

Bethenny-still not good enough for Martha

Dog party for the dis-countess's dog.  OMG.  Somebody stole her blackberry.

Dog is cute.

Ramona's lizard is not cute, pees on her.

Ramona thinks Kelly is awesome and that Jill is nosey.

Cake server has tramp stamp.

Jill looking for dirt on Kelly, calls it dirt.  Classy.

Jill glad that Alex sponsored some kids in Kenya.  She spent 30 times that on the outing to the Met, I am not exaggerating.

Simon cannot shop alone.  His mom/Alex is celled to approve.

OMG.  They are co-ordinating their outfits.  Simon likes to see her naked with a piece of cloth over her.

They are buying tourist clothes.  Awful, awful, tourist clothes. $8000 dollars worth of awful clothes.  They are in the Hamptons.  One of those kids they are sponsoring costs $360 a year.  They chose two of the million or so available.  For one year.  And then went out and bought $8000 of clothes that will not be wearable next season. Ok.

Polo!

Jill and Bethenny back in the pool.  Bethenny works as a private chef for her casually for the whole summer.

While working for other people in the Hamptons.  She lies around in the bed most of the time!

Bethenny broke up with J.  She needs to work on herself.

Jill thinks Bethenny needs to me MORE selfish.  Yeah, that is what is missing in this woman.

SO she mocks Jill in her own house, in costume.

Commercial 1

Jill's mom comes for a visit.  She has brought her a piece of jewelry FROM HER VAULT.  Ok.

Jill's husband got a special car for her.  The convertible is too small, the Mercedes is too fancy.  They need one that is just right.  Ok.

Ramona and Bethenny go to lunch.  B needs a date, a man that needs her to be free.  R contributed two articles to Cosmo in the mid 90's.

She says, regarding Jill, is that to know her is to love her and to love her is to hate her.  Ok.

"Secrets of a successful Manhandler" 

Bethenny fails all of the rules of Ramona.  Except for 4 and 9.

Bethenny says, "I am a guy."  Ok.

Bethenny says that Ramona looks like a freak in the magazine.

Back at Jill's, the car they got is a Florida-style Lincoln.

Commercial 3

OMG.

Simon and Alex left their kids in the pool.  Simon is Australian and Alex is used to the water at St. Bart's.

They don't want the kids to be afraid of the water.  They are complaining about the ocean at the Hamptons.  The Carribbean is warm and wonderful.  If you scuba'd  at the crappy Hamptons, you would not see anything.

Speedos.

Americans are prudish.  In Greece speedos are cool.

So he strips down to them and then puts on regular trunks. 

Doesn't want the boys to see them wipe out in the surf because it would scare them.

Ok then.  Washing eyes out and moving on.  Pasty people should not wear bikinis. 

Jill's daughter is going to Paris for the summer to study French at he Sorbonne.  If she had been raised by Alex and Simon, this trip would not have to happen.  Jill says she is not packing right.  She needs sneakers.

Why is she taking clothes to Paris?  If I were going to Paris, I would go with empty suitcases and the clothes on my back.  Damn the recession for ruining my dreams of her trip.

Damn, I missed Jill being soulful and crying over missing her....

Kelly!

She has to go to the parties because she writes a column called "The Socializer".  It is hard for her because so many people are taking her picture that she hardly can work.

She asks the dudes if they are models before introducing herself.  They might have been waiters (gasp).

Showing up is enough.  She doesn't need to stay.  She was born to live in the Hamptons.

 Bethenny and Jill's mom.  Jill is cooking, earning her keep.  Says Jill's mom is a "typical Jewish mother".  Ok.

Jill dished on Bethenny to her mother.  Her mother gives her some advice, work on your shit.  It is holding you back.  Seek professional help.  Work on yourself as hard as you work on your food.  All her issues are due to her dad.  Life is passing like lightening.  She has dementia swimming in a sea of illness and cries all the time.  She has had a LOT of surgery so you cannot actually tell that she is having emotions.  Bethenny's botox holds as she cries.    NO movement in the forehead.

Gloria offers to adopt her and help her.  Ok.

Bethenny is uncomfortable with this.  In a good way.  Gloria owns her soul now.

Commercial 4

The countess doesn't want the kids to cook.  They get pizza and sandwiches.  Their Rosie is not around, the countess is ordering pizza.  In a ball gown.

The count and countess are being honored by the American Cancer Society.  The count cannot make it because he is in Asia, so she is going with her mom.  Her mom was too busy to give her individual attention.

At the Diamond Ranch, the Denim and Diamonds Gala.   Jill and Bethenny came.  Very Glam.  Dolce Denim. Sweating like a beast in the (gasp) un-air-conditioned tent.

Countess LuAnn.  She talks through the intro complaining that everybody is talking through the intro.  She grabs the mike and tells them all to shut up.  Then chatters while they talk.  Bethenny calls her the Dis-countess.  Ok.

The countess has a tearful montage and then gets an award, is called Countess by the cloying hostess.  She was a nurse and lost her dad.  Bethenny thought it was "interesting" to see her cry.

They all dance.

Like supermodels in a george Micheal video in front of a fan.  Like hot messy drunks at a teen-age pool party...

Jill's mom is leaving.  Jill guilts her for not coming any more often.

When Gloria adopts someone, you are in for life.

Thank god it is over.  But there is always next week!