The "legitimization" of all marriage and all people will be the sign I am looking for to know that we have finally grown up as a culture.

"So...let me get this STRAIGHT....Kelsey Grammer can end a 15yr marriage by phone, Larry King is on divorce #9, Britney Spears had a 55hr marriage, Jesse James & Tiger Woods, while married, were having sex with EVERYONE, 53% of Americans get divorced and 30-60% cheat on their spouses. Yet, same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? Re-post if you find this ironic."

This proposed status update made me think a lot about why I have been kinda cranky lately.  This brings up a lot of long-term issues for me.  I would be interested in hearing how any of this has touched other people's lives.

I was illegitimate.  Through my entire childhood and beyond, I was forced to deal with this stigma.  I have always considered my DNA-provider an illegitimate parent.  But despite all efforts to reclaim/reframe the experience, I still hurt on Father's day and whenever I think of all the kids that got called illegitimate, as if they were not actually legitimate kids or people.  That piece of paper that people can/will or cannot/will not get has always hurt me, personally. And the perpetuation of this cultural quirk has kept women down, kids in poverty, and men in control of property and inheritance.  

Women can't deny paternity of their children, this is the most essential difference between the genders.  As the world changes and science creates a host of biological opportunities, our relationships with our children and our spouses have to change.  It is already true that this generation does not automatically link paternity with marriage in the way that mine did.  The laws of inheritance are still far behind the culture.  The married partner being liable for support of all "issue of the marriage" and the burden to prove responsibility for children conceived differently are intimately related to abortion politics and many other social problems.

The idea that one relationship is valid and another is not, while being similar in all respects except a piece of paper, is dehumanizing and evil.  Whenever and however it is applied to any and all of us.  The same mentality that declared me an illegitimate person is the mentality that believes it can declare who can legitimately marry.  It isn't about religion, or atheist gays would be allowed secular marriage.  But even that is denied.  It is about the legitimacy of the gay individual as an equal human being in society.  

The declaration that I was illegitimate denied me many social advantages within my local community.  Moving away did not fix it, as the non-relationship with my father followed me everywhere I went when people ask the natural question, "So where are you from?  I wonder if I know any of your people."  It is a minefield that many avoid with lies.  Saying your father is dead is more acceptable than saying that you know nothing about him.  I was relieved to learn that my father had died, as my lie was finally a simple truth that made others make soothing noises instead of recoiling socially. 

The recent Schwarzenegger situation/scandal brought all of this home for me.  I know how the 13 year old might feel once he gets over his DNA-provider being famous and gets to the grittier aspects of the circumstances of his birth (like inheritance, social acceptance, status, family inclusion, stigmatization among conservative culture).

This perspective on life, forced upon me, gives insight into how married, yet not, gay people may feel.  The problem is deeper than the surface politics.  It gets to the heart of who we are as a culture.  Declaring that some relationships are valid and others are not is the height of intellectual and spiritual arrogance and a completely egocentric view of the world.