Satchel

Newt’s latest rival is a new breed of politician, of the canine persuasion.   He is Satchel, the bull terrier, hailing from Knoxville, Tennessee and running solo in the “Bully Party.”  He is familiar with Tinkertink69, the feline competitor, but feels he has a stronger platform.  In his own words, “We know little about Tink, except that he has tuna breath.”  He welcomes a formal debate with Tink, and is waiting to hear from his handlers.

Satchel's Thoughts on Newt

“People often comment on the similarities between myself and Newt Gingrich:  we both have white hair, and are solidly built, although I am in better physical shape.  Like Jack Abramoff, I work out every day.  Newt and I have had our share of romantic dalliances, although I’ve never been married.  I am no adulterer.  For those concerned that I am not a native English speaker, I am a quick study and have an interpreter.  If elected, I would consider making “bark” the official language of the U.S.”

Political platform:

·         Canine rights.  Dogs are tired of being crated by night and left alone by day.  We demand more companionship and more fresh meat.

·         Marital rights.  We believe it is our right as citizens to marry whom we choose in any state in the union.  This includes homosexual unions.  Yes, some dogs are homosexual.

·         End Enforced sterilization.  We do not approve of being neutered at our owner’s whim.  We would like to be consulted first.  Some of us are perfectly capable and financially endowed enough to raise a family.

·         Economy.   Jobs for everyone.  All dogs and humans have a right to employment.  I want to reinvent the Occupy Movement  to include canines.  We can run Wall Street just as well as any trader.  And we look better in Armani suits and smoke cigars with more savoire faire.

·         Global Politics.  We like everyone and are an affectionate species.  I believe that more open displays of affection (licking in public) would improve foreign relations and general well-being.

·         Health care.  Free veterinary and human medical care for all.  The canine community has a plethora of talent in the medical field that has been heretofore ignored and underused.  We can and will service the community so no one is without health care.

Orly Taitz on Satchel

Orly Taitz, dentist, lawyer and queen of the Birther Movement, says that Satchel is unfit for office on the basis of his origin. 

She had this to say, “First of all, he is a bull terrier.  Everyone knows that bull terriers are from England.  Second of all, even if he were born in Knoxville, Tennessee, as he claims, we have no birth certificate.  Thirdly, he is a “rescue” and his parents’ birthplace is unknown.  Just like Obama, the only way he would be fit to serve as president is if both his parents were naturalized American citizens.  Obama’s administration is like Nazi Germany, but Satchel’s would be Stalinist Russia.”

Romney on Satchel

“He’s not good-looking or rich enough to be president.  He doesn’t stand a chance.”

Gingrich on Satchel

“First of all, he doesn’t speak English.  Shocking, since his kind are from England, one would think he spoke the language.  Second of all, we know nothing about him except that he has a facebook page and likes string cheese.”

So there you have it.  As a third party candidate, joining late in the game, Satchel is clearly the underdog, but you never know.

Check out his facebook page:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Satchel-for-President-2012/186140311437567

More than any of the other candidates, Satchel has personality. Personality goes a long way.