Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

The press is calling Romney’s recent statement a “gaffe”.  The statement:  “I’m not concerned with the very poor.  We have a safety net there.”  I think this is the most honest thing he’s said in a while.  He also said that he doesn’t care about the very rich, only about the “bread and butter” of our country, the middle class. 

In Mitt’s Fantasy World, every poor person has all of his/her needs met and is a-okay.  Happy, shiny poor people, whooping it up in cardboard boxes, under bridges and in tunnels.  Homeless kids go to bed hungry.  Hooray for that net!  Truth be told, the wealthy would be the true beneficiaries of Mitt’s proposed tax plan, with the lower classes picking up a large portion of the tab.  The Paul Ryan budget proposal that he endorsed would cut about $3 trillion from low-income programs.  So much for that net.

In my Fantasy World, Mitt would be forced to see and attend to the needs of the less fortunate.  I would like to put him in a time machine as in the film Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and send him back to the Age of Enlightenment, aka, the Age of Reason.  Hell, while we’re at it, let’s send Newt with him for company!

Age of Enlightenment (circa 1648 to 1789)

One of the dominant characteristics of the Early Enlightenment was concern for individual worth and end to human suffering. 

“The demand for reform and the belief in human progress were now equated with traditional Christian principles, such as human communality and God’s concern for all people.  Religious humanitarianism shunned radical politics and ignored the issue of women’s rights, despite the movement’s strong support among women.  It did, however, seek actively to relieve human suffering and ignorance among children, the urban poor, prisoners, and slaves.”[1]

Okay, so women are still being treated as second class but at least they addressed the needs of the poor.

Time to put Mitt and Newt in that time machine.  For those who haven’t seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, it’s a sci-fi comedy with Keanu Reeves (Ted) and Alex Winter (Bill).  With only a few days before high school graduation, the none-too-bright rock star wannabes Bill and Ted are slated to flunk their finals.  Their teacher gives them one more chance:  a presentation on the subject of how a famous historical person might respond to modern times.  If they can ace this, they will be allowed to pass and Ted’s dad will not put him in military school, thereby breaking up their garage band.  Rufus, an emissary from the future (George Carlin), appears and tells them that their music is the basis for all society and if they break up, his world will come to an end.  Oh no!  Bill and Ted are whisked off in a time machine (telephone booth) and bring back historical characters including Joan of Arc, Abe Lincoln, Napoleon and Beethoven who assist them with their oral exam.  All is well.

Here’s an imagined conversation between Newt and Mitt (imagine them with airhead Ted and Bill voices and wearing teenage clothes) after landing in a merry old England:

Mitt:        Whoa!  Look at that—poor people who aren’t in the safety net.  Their faces are so dirty and they stink!  Let’s save them.  Once they are back in the net, all will be well.

Newt:      Yeah, dude.  Maybe if we find the net and put them in, poor Americans and liberals will forgive you for what you said about not caring about the very poor.

Mitt:        Yeah.  Hey, let’s bring some poor dudes back with us.

Newt:      Whoooa, you’re a genius, dude.  I never thought I’d say that but I can’t seem to control what comes out of my mouth.  I just wish they didn’t smell so bad.

They see a gentleman and stop him to ask where they can find a net.

Mitt:        Hey, mister, can you help us find a safety net to put a poor person in?

Man:       A what?

Newt:      What’s your name, English man?

Man:       Adam Smith.

Newt:      That’s cool, now what about that net?

Man:       I would seek a fisherman and ask him.  Good day.

Newt:      Excellent.  Good day, man.  (to Mitt)  Dude, I think he might be an historical figure.

Mitt:        Whoa!

Mitt and Newt go off in search of a fisherman in order to secure a net.

Good luck, dudes!

Do you think this adventure enlightened them?  Do you think they ever found a net?