I woke up today and read about this:

Krysten Ritter set for Title Role in ABC's "Don't Trust the Bitch" Comedy Pilot

Said title role being "the Bitch." And no, she's not voicing a talking dog. 

When Shatner scored the lead in similarly edgily-titled show, at least he was playing the role of the Dad and not the role of the shit.

But, if the American Broadcasting Company is ready for "Don't Trust the Bitch," then it seems I'm going to need to rethink my whole approach to the comedy business.

I'm a stand-up comedian. I've been one for almost nine years. I've focused most of my efforts and development on what's often called the "alternative comedy scene," mostly because that's how you get the cool writing gigs and interesting festivals. Uh, you know, sometimes.

I also attended a women's college (where I was lead to believe I could, you know, do stuff (perhaps I should sue)) and am totes a feminist (totes), but I still REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT in this business.

 So, here are some new show ideas I'm officially willing to pitch:

The Date Rape Squad

I play Mrs. Fartselby, a morbidly obese 50-year-old widow who's always trying to thwart the Date Rape Squad's harmless fun.

Punch That Cunt!

I play Officer O'Cuntington, the hapless ladycop trying to catch our hero, a nerd-turned-masked-vigilante who takes revenge on all the girls who didn't talk to him in high school by sneaking up and hitting them in the face. I myself withstand multiple blows to the head and neck in each episode. Co-starring Snookie as herself!

Legislative Justice

In this Capitol Hill drama, I play Congresswoman Isadora Justice, the gentlelady from New York's Nassau County who is fed up with all the unfair advantages women have over men in our society. Despite protests from bitches everywhere, I cut funding for Planned Parenthood and legalize roofies. When my arch-nemesis, NOW president Terry O'Neill, gets too up in my face, I know there's only one way to settle our differences: a sweeps-week mud wrestle. Also, I make out with Sarah Palin. Then I make out with Bristol, this time at a bar, because a male constituent asks me to and buys me a shot.

Alright, come to think of it, "Date Rape Squad" might be a little over the top. Let's switch that one to "How I Date Raped Your Mother."