Victor Schwartz

Victor Schwartz
Hollywood, California, USA
April 09
Minister of Running Up Stairs Two at a Time Flinging the Door Open and Saying 'Ha Ha Caught You Mildred'
My name is Victor and I'm a young man (lets just say I have an ego beyond my years), a New York native who grew up in Vermont and is now living two blocks from Hollywood Boulevard. I'm surprisingly no longer single, but I'm still the same cynical, wittily comedic actor/writer/stuntman with a deep seated interest in psychology and philosophy. I like the band RUSH way too much, and am thoroughly engrossed in music. Oh yeah, and I write stuff for fun. (All prose and short stories are copyright Victor Schwartz 2012 unless otherwise stated)


Victor Schwartz's Links
JANUARY 9, 2013 5:47PM

Stuck In The Middle With You

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight. But I certainly got the feeling that something ain’t right. I’m scared, but not about falling out of my chair. And I’m wonderin’ how I’ll get through the next decade or two. But there is no doubt. There are clowns to theRead full post »


Well, sure enough, just days after my post about all the reasons Rick Santorum shouldn't be a viable candidate, he delivers another stunner. He must've read it and gone "psh. Is that really the worst of it?" This is literally so stupid I thought it was a link from the… Read full post »
MARCH 27, 2012 6:01PM

Santorum: A Definition

JackassHe was the Senator of Pennsylvania from 1995 - 2007, and is currently running to be the President of the United States. Here is how this happened. The Republican party announced that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul were both going to run. Then they looked at each other and… Read full post »

I understand that it has been over a year since my last post. I am aware that for a significant amount of time before that I was spotty at best. There's nothing I regret more.

"You should read my blog. I started it in high school"

"Really? You know I had… Read full post »


The British rock band Dire Straits (one of my personal favorites), has been around since 1977. One of their many hit singles, Money For Nothing, has been on the airwaves since it's release in 1985. But now, after 25 years of play on the air, the/

Read full post »
JUNE 24, 2010 10:30PM

We Walk This Road: Album Review

14118-300529-15-11-v1He stood up from his beaten, carefully taped together wooden chair, behind the cherry red finished Jackson steel guitar, and said to us out in the crowd with a smile, "Am I sweatin too much? I apologize, truth is, I've had a fever all day, but I just had… Read full post »
A few of you here on OS have been following me long enough to remember one of my earlier posts about Glenn Beck where he breaks down and cries about his "9-12" project, where he details how and why he thinks we should all strive to be the unified, decisive nation… Read full post »
JUNE 14, 2010 10:40PM

How Could Anyone Have Known?

I was having a pleasant discussion about politics with someone today, and they said a very interesting thing to me. We were discussing the current spill in the Gulf of Mexico, as it has recently been announced that it is driving sharks out of their natural feeding areas and towards the… Read full post »
DECEMBER 3, 2009 3:12AM


As a couple of you may recall, I began on OS with simple short stories, entirely fictional, and was purely here to gain insight into writing via other's stories and critical feedback. The internet is a place where we don't have to worry about physical consequences to what comes out of… Read full post »


They were lying on top of a picnic table, staring up at the stars. The small pinpricks of light shone as though someone had fired buckshot on a black sheet, and draped it over a spotlight. The moon was waxing, but it wasn’t full yet. The great gibbous stared downRead full post »

OCTOBER 15, 2009 10:58PM

Studio 208

So my folks wanted to see my new place, so here you have it. The main room is about 15'x20'.


TV, PS3, Wii (man-cave), fridge, and closet



Table, Chairs, and roomie's computer



Bunks, Last one in (me) gets top bunk :P… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 12, 2009 9:46PM

Just a Heads Up

Lately, many of you may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't been around. This is for two very good reasons. Reason one: I have two jobs now trying to save up as much money as possible, which is seriously cutting into my time for R&R. Reason two: I want… Read full post »
I dunno if you've heard this or not, but Scotland is now officially the Western Worlds' retarded cousin. I'm going to try and tell you what happened, but I hafta go fast, because if there are any pauses during which my brain can process what I am saying, my poor cerebrum… Read full post »
AUGUST 5, 2009 11:30PM

Why I Need A Dog

People suck. I can't stand people. I have been trying for a while to change this opinion, to become a social person, but I just can't get around the facts. I wanted to be popular when I was younger, to have people appreciate me, to be everyone's pal. As I grew… Read full post »
It's late at night, and the networks are all broadcasting their talk shows that have become a who's who of upcoming movies and bands. But after watching these shows for a while now, I've come to a conclusion: With the notable exception of Craig Ferguson, they suck major wind.
Letterman… Read full post »
JULY 27, 2009 7:29PM

Old Dog, New Tricks

He was born 5 days before me. Well, 5 days and 26 years before me. He started off as a promising actor, but developed problems with alcohol and other substances. Many people didn't think he'd ever return to the big screen. And yet he has.
Robert Downey Jr. has become… Read full post »
As many of you know already, I am headed across the country in a couple of months to begin life as a college student. However, something has happened back home, and I'm afraid it's time for me to look toolder, wiser folks for advice. Asking for input is not something my… Read full post »
JULY 20, 2009 2:03PM

Death or Glory

June 10, 2008
The sweat ran down his forhead. The Jeep bounced across the rugged terrain, and the four passengers bounced with it. The radio blared, some hard rock. Typical.
His back hurt. Damn Dos Equis.
* * *
So music is a passion of mine, as moany of you know, but my taste in music is generally considered suspect. Usually I just get weird looks when I give people the name of a band or artist, and I suddenly realized, I should stop blowing these folks off. So here,… Read full post »
I was caught by a friend of mine the other day reading my well-thumbed copy of the graphic novel From Hell. I was shocked by what they had to say.
"Dude, you still read comics?"
I could have slapped her. Nuthin to it, just a flick of the wrist.… Read full post »
JULY 5, 2009 10:31PM

The Name's Fail. Epic, Fail.

Have you ever wanted to be a spy? John Sawers did. And unlike you, John Sawers became a spy. Unless of course, you are a spy. If you are, then you are already better at your job than John Sawers. You see, while you were out doing your secret spy shit… Read full post »
JULY 3, 2009 10:21PM

Who Cares?

Given all the press that the recent rash of celebrities joining the Pearly Gates Club, I have to bring forth a point that I do every single time someone famous dies: why do you care? Unless you knew said celebrity personally, then it's just another dead guy. Don't these people get… Read full post »
JUNE 25, 2009 8:28PM

I am Now Officially Entitled

Rather than made snide remarks about the recent advent of advertisments or making some glib memorial about the most well known of the Jackson Five, I decided to just relax a little bit and watch some good old fashioned comedy. For this, I turn to my trustworthy 16 DVD box set… Read full post »

A warning: This is a pitch I sent in to Cracked.Com as an article. It is, rude, and at times lewd. I think it's pretty funny, but it isn't for the easily offended. Read at your own risk :D


We’ve all seen that douche-bag acting macho at the local… Read full post »

Okay, that's a little misleading. I think I got, like, a C in physics, but anything below a B is failing to me, so whatever. June 18th, 2009. Never again shall I set foot in my high school. I'll never again get called into the office because the internet is… Read full post »