Victor Schwartz

Victor Schwartz
Location
Hollywood, California, USA
Birthday
April 09
Title
Minister of Running Up Stairs Two at a Time Flinging the Door Open and Saying 'Ha Ha Caught You Mildred'
Bio
My name is Victor and I'm a young man (lets just say I have an ego beyond my years), a New York native who grew up in Vermont and is now living two blocks from Hollywood Boulevard. I'm surprisingly no longer single, but I'm still the same cynical, wittily comedic actor/writer/stuntman with a deep seated interest in psychology and philosophy. I like the band RUSH way too much, and am thoroughly engrossed in music. Oh yeah, and I write stuff for fun. (All prose and short stories are copyright Victor Schwartz 2012 unless otherwise stated)

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Salon.com
JUNE 21, 2009 10:37PM

Five Guns That Are Clearly Compensating for a Tiny Penis

Rate: 19 Flag

A warning: This is a pitch I sent in to Cracked.Com as an article. It is, rude, and at times lewd. I think it's pretty funny, but it isn't for the easily offended. Read at your own risk :D

 

We’ve all seen that douche-bag acting macho at the local watering hole. He’s desperately trying to impress the ladies, but all he’s doing is proving he has balls the size of M&M’s. Fast forward several years, and you may see that same douche-bag making up for his microscopic junk by carrying one of these:

 5. The Lewis Gun

 

lewis-gun

 

  The What?

Look at that. Just take it all in. Dear lord. Doesn’t your dick cringe in fear? That was exactly the effect that Col. Isaac Newton Lewis wanted you to have when you looked down the barrel of this motherfucker. Designed by Lewis in 1911, the Lewis gun was designed to be the answer to the German Maschinengewehr (literally “machinegun”), which was basically a belt-fed water-cooled dick-mocking behemoth. Determined to prove to the world that he had the biggest member in all of Europe, Lewis pitched his invention to the U.S. Army.

OK, So What?

 Lewis_gun_St_Thomas_5

 Check out the barrel. It’s the size of a goddamn paint-can! What caliber is the Lewis gun? .303. That’s right. That big, badass barrel shoots smaller bullets than the average handgun. Sure it fires them at 5-6 hundred rounds per minute, sending them from that massive Firestone magazine into a crowd of German infantry, but what’s the point if you can’t even fire it while standing up? And tiny bullets weren’t the only problem (if you know what I mean). The German Maschinengewehr had but a couple of drills for clearing a jammed gun. The Lewis gun pulls in with 27 fucking drills. That’s right, there were so many ways it could jam up that the thing was basically worthless in hot, humid climates. Not that we were ever gonna have to fight in a hot humid climate.

 9780521509718

Oh… my… this is awkward

 What Happened to It?

 Lewis_Gun

 Lewis marketed his new design to the British, who adopted it in 1915 as standard issue weaponry. Mind you, the British were still riding horses and carrying swords into battle, so their choice of firearms may not be entirely reliable. Thus the British started a legacy of piss-poor machine guns and compensating for undersized junk.

 LewisGun

Seriously? How can they expect us to NOT do that?

4. PPSH

ppsh-41

   The What?

 Anyone who’s ever played Call of Duty knows what this is. If awesome was made out of wood and steel, that’s what it would look like. Also it’s Russian, and as anyone who’s ever seen any action movie ever knows, Russians are fucking badass.

 5367953_gal

Hello, my name is Igor Vkaladkkadvkllgbervinoski. Ovich. You may refer to me as “badass”

 OK, So What?

 ppsh41

 The PPSH was wildly successful once it was finally implemented. It was really the first Russian endeavor into machine guns, and it was homemade, from the newly chromed barrel of a standard issue rifle and a tweaked trigger mechanism. Then it was strapped to 71 rounds of .30 caliber whoop-ass, and the Russian infantry was basically told to line up, point them at the Germans, and hold down the trigger until it stopped kicking. They were easy to make, and by 1945 over 5 million of these pants-shittingly effective death machines had been put into use. The trouble was, the way you held it was by cupping the underside of the drum. So not only have you pumped up a rifle barrel with a shit-ton of ammunition, but you also look like you’re fondling it.

 ppsh41-0501_0003

Not that we’d tell him that while he’s holding it.

 What Happened to It?

 Like fur hats and hating capitalism, they simply went out of style. Higher caliber machine guns came out, and the Russians realized that after the war was over, there really was no need for a 71 round drum anymore, except as a reminder that their balls can touch their shoes.

3. The Desert Eagle

 

Desert eagle

 The What?

 The hallmark of American excess in handgun form, the Desert Eagle is, undoubtedly, a beast. And yes, by the way, your Grand Theft Auto wet dream of actually owning a gold-plated version of this is entirely plausible, and has already been realized by many people for whom nickle just wasn’t good enough.

 deserteagle

“You know, I’m not really all that scared. Now if it was made out of GOLD…”

OK, So What?

 First of all, that thing is fricking huge. It weighs in at 4.4 lbs and is a whopping 14.75 inches long. That’s like, the size of an internet comedy writers dong. Secondly, and more importantly, it fires a .50 caliber round. Getting shot with that is like going punch for punch with Optimus Prime. It just isn’t fair.

 optimus_prime

Like this. Only with bullets.

 What Happened to It?

 Like so many other things that promise to make you look bigger, manlier, and stronger, it hit the internet and flourished. There are hysterical videos of people having horrible accidents with recoil, and never before has Darwinism been prevented in people who so desperately needed it.

 

 

 

 2. T/C 600 Nitro Express

 600_Nitro_Express

  The What?

Are you like this guy? Did you take one look down the barrel of the Desert Eagle and think “what kind of pussy would buy that?” Well if you did, then Magnum presents this revolver. Incidentally, they also have a bridge to sell you. Just the sheer size of that thing gives us a look like the girls from the Enzyte commercials.

 OK, So What?

 Remember that big-ass .50 caliber bullet that the Desert Eagle fired? Meet the .60 caliber nitro bullet.

 

600NE

Calm down ladies… blah blah blah… shooting joke

 Yeah, so remember being punched by Optimus Prime? This time, he turns into a truck and runs you over, nutsack first. This sonofabitch can blow huge chunks out of concrete, or put a hole in you big enough for an elephant to step in. Also, if that black pistol looks totally lame, there is a tactical, tricked out version available for purchase.

  600_handgun

It’s like having a .60 caliber penis in your pants. Only you can kill a person with it.

 What Happened to It?

 As you can imagine, there isn’t a lot of call for a .60 caliber revolver (apart from potting squirrels in your backyard), but the pistol is still available, and is one of the largest caliber handguns permitted by law for sale to the poorly endowed.

 1. The Paris Gun

12

 The What?

Rewind back to 1918. While the Red Sox were busy being awesome for the last time that century, Germany was busy figuring out exactly how they could most effectively ass-rape Paris. No, by the way, that isn’t a section of the Golden Gate Bridge. That’s the Paris Gun, motherfucker.

 OK, So What?

 The Kaiser Wilhelm Geschutz, as the Germans call it, was used for exactly what the name suggests: shelling the ever-loving shit out of Paris. The Paris Gun was compensating for the Kaiser’s lack of a penis so badly, we’re seriously considering whether or not he even had one.

 ken-doll-naked

Kaiser Wilhelm

 It weighed a holy-shit 256 tons, and the barrel measured 84 feet long. That’s 673 penises in metric. It fired a shell that was a 210mm, and some of them destroyed subtly homo-erotic French architecture from a stunning 131 kilometers away. That’s the equivalent of bombing the Empire State Building from Philadelphia.

 What Happened to It?

  21cmke-rrg6

 Seven of them were made during WWI, and they were meant to be transported by railway. Except that because of a serious lack of wheeled gun mounts, only three of them were ever in use at any given time. According to anyone other than the people of Paris, the gun did just about nothing. Less than 500 shells were fired in total, due to the fact that the bore had to be replaced every twenty shots. Also, a slightly bigger shell had to be used after every shot, because it wore away the inside of the barrel. In addition to that, firing the gun with any kind of accuracy meant that German mathematicians actually had to figure in the rotation of the fucking planet. The gun was basically the equivalent of Wilhelm waving his penis at the French, and this started a glorious tradition of dick-waving that predictably died out when mustard gas hit the scene.

 

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Comments

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You left out the ak-47 and the .357 magnum. I guess those two are too cliche.
Frigging hilarious man!

I will say that the Desert Eagle is a fun gun to shoot though
Holy crap - what a tour de force of an essay. I loved this.
A ha ha. Thats great.

My addition to the list is the 460 Smith and Wesson. The Mythbusters actually did a show on it because people were putting their thumbs up by the revolver chamber and the escaping gas was blowing them off. Here's a photo next to the 357;

http://www.gunblast.com/images/SW460XVR/2Mvc-012f.jpg
Fuckin' brilliant; load up Tina Turner singing "shoot bullets of fire." And (per the above) the AK-47 and the .357 can actually be fired by human beings, even one's with as limted abilities as myself.

God ... the clip of the Eagle is priceless.
Obscenities will get you nowhere in writing. An unnatural interest in firearms is the result of stunted emotional and intellectual growth. But then you say you're from N.Y., so what can I expect. You probably graduated from ninth grade from what I can see and nothing more. In fact I find your article sub-moronic and you certainly must be a trogladyte.

I learned to be a weapons and explosives (up to Nukes) in Vietnam and I also learned to hate weaponry. There is no excuse to go to war--or use firearms, even for entertainment.

I find your article childish and offensive. May I suggest you seek psychiatric assistance?
...dude.. my dick is cringing in fear.. your fucking wife, man. you deserve a medal for this shit.
The video with the chick that got conked in the head unfortunately reminded me of the eight-yr-old whose dad took him to a firing range, and due to the recoil from the automatic weapon daddy had him fire, the kid blew his head off. Guns don't kill people -- except when they do.
After reading Dear Jack & Cocoalfresco Anderson, by the way - they seem to be a lovely couple? Fresh Coco every day in bed for Jack Anderson! Lucky Jack A.! Jack ain't no dumb`ass.
He is pretty blunt.
Cocoalfresco huh'.
Ya got a porpoise?
John Finn- I remember a recipient of the prestigious Medal of Honor. John Finn will be 100 this summer. He's from California, and was last seen with Barack Obama. Mr. John Finn was wounded at Pearl Harbor.
John Finn no like guns and killing. He's as honorable as a gentleman can be. He still a handsome geezer ay 99 years old. Alice, his wife died in 1998. Still, John Finn loves women. He needs help getting his boots off. He usually sleeps in them cowboy slippers just in case plane begins bombing.
I have met John Finn.
His stories go way back. He can remember something his grandfather told him. I remember a conversation about my grandfather with him about a sheriff position in Baltimore. Mr. Finn recalls when the sheriff position was decided by bare-fist-fights. I think I'll not repeat it {Almonds and chocolate candy bars?} tho. Where this ramble gonna go? huh. Who knows? Maybe to Mars?
Snickers, Milky Way, Hershey's Milk Chocolate with Almonds?

The movie pack if Nestle Raisinnets, fruit antioxidants? Whoppers, malted milk balls? Butterfingers? Chunky with peanuts and raisons?
gads.
My family gave me a bowl of assorted candies. Fathers Day presents. apology. foci!
Serious. Respectfully,
Mr. Finn tells the Pear Harbor attack with humor. It's too tragic to tell straightforward, so you beat around the bush, and gather into yourself the enormous pain you may have eye witnessed in a war.
You try to spare other the pain/grief. Odd. that you wish to protect others from hate's eventual full-blown bloody-red, blood-spilt, and sad-
Manifestation.

Mr. Finn tells about his wife being there with him on the Sunday morning. Sunday was remain in bed day. You would snack, sip comfrey tea, jasmine, and express natural human affection. ~ Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Bombs!
Finn hopped out of bed and bangs his head!
John Rushes out to man his machine gun!
John Finn shoots his gun high skyward!
`
Forgive good old Jack Alexander for his blunt way. He saw war.
War does that. But, the fascination with guns, confuses me too.
Forgive Jack Anderson. O mumble:` Jack a Respectable Jalalos!

I can't resist sharing a poem by - John Godfrey Saxe on 'Rising Early' (and always, take a high road.)
`
Early Rising
~
"God bless the man who first invented sleep!"
So Sancho Panza said, and so said I:
And bless him, also, that he didn't keep
His great discovery to himself; nor try
To make it--as the lucky fellow might--
A close monopoly by patent right!

Yes; bless the man who first invented sleep
(I really can't avoid the iteration),
But blast the man, with curse loud and deep,
What'er the rascal's name, or age, or station,
Who first invented, and went advising,
That artificial cut~off, Early Rising!
Good post, Victor.My God, Some of those guns actually made me gasp! There's so no concealed weapon charge with some of these bad boys!
Rated
Funny, frightening, and phantasmagorial...

the guns DO sorta thrill me, but there's such a sense of unreality, isnt thee? Like: what the fuck? To imagine them at work, blasting into tender wet flesh, is simultaneously erotic & disgusting...depends on the mood you've been worked up into...
Excellent for humor and substantive content. I hope that others read it. I learned a lot and enjoyed myself while learning it. Thanks.
Dare I ask if that's a pistol in yer pocket or are you just glad to see me? This was lots of fun to read and informative as well. I had a good time here. Pay no attention to that jackass behind the curtain.
Wow - this is totally "Cracked" material! All too sad that so much energy goes into weaponry, but these are . . . well . . . what you said - guns for the dickless!
*Looks at the top of this post, where we find:
"A warning: This is a pitch I sent in to Cracked.Com as an article. It is, rude, and at times lewd. I think it's pretty funny, but it isn't for the easily offended. Read at your own risk :D"*

*Looks at Jack Alexander's comment:
"Obscenities will get you nowhere in writing. An unnatural interest in firearms is the result of stunted emotional and intellectual growth. But then you say you're from N.Y., so what can I expect. You probably graduated from ninth grade from what I can see and nothing more. In fact I find your article sub-moronic and you certainly must be a trogladyte.

I learned to be a weapons and explosives (up to Nukes) in Vietnam and I also learned to hate weaponry. There is no excuse to go to war--or use firearms, even for entertainment.

I find your article childish and offensive. May I suggest you seek psychiatric assistance?
*

*Looks at Jack Alexander's blog, where there are no entries and he has only made two comments, one repeated above*

So, Jack - read much? Or is it simply comprehension that eludes you?
The Nitro Express cracked me up. Good God.
this is great!

i'm sending you a pm with some other thoughts.
I've seen video of a gun expert shooting a .60 caliber pistol. It broke a couple fingers dislocated his shoulder and hit him in the face with the barrel if I recall correctly. I go see if I can find it for you. It's a hoot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lzri8dn7p0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4ebtj1jR7c

Take a peek at these, Victor. These folks are definitely overcompensating for something.
Don't know what they like over there at cracked.com, but I think this would be improved by pulling the dick jokes. Still, an interesting article and all-around excellent post. I hadn't seen most of this stuff. Highly rated.
That reminds me of something-- you know Superman and Lois Lane... With him being indestructible and all-- I've always wondered how they, you know-- did it? Why he didn't blow the top of her head off when he came?
@Penrose

Not all males want to kill.
I think I'll just buy a Corvette.
Oh boy, so many comments. First, I apologize to all those who were offended, but I made damn sure to warn you, both in a pm (if you got it) and at the very beginning of the article, so you get no sympathy from me.
For anyone who hasn't been to cracked.com, it is a humor website that is often crude, and if it's any condolence to my critics, I posted it here because they rejected it and I want feedback. Thank you for those comments which offered some kind of view deeper than "You are a testosterone fueled gun nut, here's your straight jacket."

A few more personal responses:

Tom: I have to wonder... WTF was that guy thinking???? The first time I shot a gun I was 14, and it was a .22 rifle. 8? Je.Sus. Christ.

Arthur: I can fully respect the sacrifices that our friend Jack made. I just wish his sense of humor hadn't been one of them. Gun interest me from a psychological perspective, because the ways that we devise to kill people tell us a lot about ourselves. Strictly from a historical perspective, I find this interesting. In practice, not so much...

Coyote: Oh, I'm always happy to see you, m'dear ;D

Mike: I'm off to check those out

Jimmy: I have tried to temper jokes with facts. Much like the late great George, "I entertain, and inform!"

Mr. E: Have you ever seen the movie Hancock? It must be something like that ;)

Penrose: I tried to warn you. You and Jack should get a blog.
I'm rating this for your wife. That looked incredibly painful.