Being a celebrity is sort of like being rich. Rich people think that -- in addition to owning the whole world and an iPad -- they should run it, too.  And we all agree in the hopes that maybe someday we'll scratch something luckier than ourselves in two places.

Similarly, celebrities appear to think that -- because they're celebrities -- they are indisputably the most broken up about horrible tragedies. Because -- unlike us -- when they're crying, they usually show their good side.

Ergo, as they are sadder, richer, and have sexier "I'm Dead" casket photos, celebrities -- when it comes to unspeakable tragedies -- are automatically insanely helpful.   

2010 was a red letter year for this phenomena. Like Night of the Useless Red Ribbons, aka Golden Globes 2010 (which I posted about here.)  At that time, I didn't think it could get worse than Nicole Kidman's fake blubbering about the orphans of Haiti as her bling caught the light.

Next is Ke$ha's recent "honoring of teen suicide victims" with a song which was probably written in 2004 by a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters: For the record, "We R Who We R" was recorded weeks before news of these horrible tragedies even hit.  It's a pretty subtle metaphor, as the song appears to be about girls who get "sexy-fied," totally wasted and then spend the rest of the song imploring the DJ to "turn it up."  (By "Turn it up," they mean tolerance and respect for gay teen youth, I'm sure.)

In her defense, Kesha is doing great things, as demonstrated by recent headline: "Kesha Calls Halt to Nazi Dancewear."  So it's nice that you're dialing down your pro-Halocaust message, Kesha, but "We R who we R" has nothing to do with Suicide.

But then -- oh, then -- there was yesterday's "Digital Life Sacrifice."

Yes, "Sacrifice." Because -- like Nicole Kidman wearing a red ribbon that didn't color coordinate with her bling -- this is a sacrifice.

I'd like to remind you that the following is in the name of people dying of AIDS.  

So, what are celebrities doing this time?  They are ending their "digital lives" by signing off from all social networking platforms, including Facebook and Twitter.  In solidarity with those in India and Africa affected by HIV/AIDS.  And they won't come back online till $1 million has been raised. 

So, to sum, for celebrities:

not posting you had for lunch = dying of AIDS.

I really encourage you to check out the eulogies for yourself. They are, quite simply, amazing.  But here's a little sample:

Kim Kardashian, who can be summed up in one sentence.  The sentence: "It's true, I'm a little obsessed with Twitter, but I'm even more obsessed with fighting AIDS!"  Moving on. 

Then there's Khloe, who, as usual, looks not so much sad about AIDS as confused, like she's been doing a math problem while squinting into the sun. This explains a lot, as -- judging from her weirdly suggestive reading -- Khloe appears to think AIDS is a low-budget adult entertainment phone service. 

Next is Justin Timberlake, looking rather dapper in a schoolboy cap and fake hornrimmed glasses.  He has a leg up on many of the others in that he appears to know that AIDS is bad and wants it to end. Almost as much as he wants an Oscar. Not as much, but close.

In addition to the comically insane narcissism of sexy casket photos and not tweeting, you also have to wonder what they were thinking when they chose which celebrities' "absence from social media" is supposed to panic people into giving money to AIDS.

Kim Kardashian?  Threatening to not be online?  And Khloe?  Throw in the third one and AIDS might actually become a problem.  

You want to help people with AIDS?  How about sacrificing your Vikadin?  Or .... I don't know...a million dollars?

Memo to celebrities: In the website of life, you are not a dot org. You are a dot com. 

Having launched your own purse line does not automatically make you Mother Teresa. So next time you flip through a fashion magazine and chew gum, please....don't do it in the name of Genocide. (Get your assistant to look it up on Wikipedia.)

By the way, two days into the "Sacrifice" of "Digital Life," fans have donated about $161,000.  Calling into question who thinks not getting a TwitPic from SwizzBeats is the actual sacrifice.  I'm thinking it's SwizzBeats.

But AIDS is a big problem.  As urgently explained by Khloe Kardashian:

 “Buy my life back now...... because the sooner you do, the sooner I can tweet again. Which would be great, ‘cause I’m not very good at being quiet!”