In 2010, the way I consume pop culture was forever altered. Not because of technology. Not because of Zuckerberg, both real and Jesse, but because I got my driver's license.
This meant that -- for the first time in my life -- I had total control over the music. I no longer had to call "shotgun." I was the shotgun, shooting not bullets but snippets of Justin Beiber's "One Time."
The second thing that happened was I learned that my car has a button on the wheel which allows me to switch between radio stations without moving my hands.
Ergo, I have heard -- mostly in 3-second snippets -- every single song from 2010 that a 7th grader would find meaningful. (I had 5 memory settings. I'm not going to waste that on, like, Classical).
And so, I present:
The 2010 definitive list of artists you claim to hate but would save from a burning building over Bach. (Come on. You would save Ke$ha over Bach.)
Note: I will devote more time later to those who, for either amazing or terrible reasons, transcend the category of music in our pop culture lives.
Most number of totally -- and I mean totally -- forgettable #1 hits: Rihanna
"What's My Name?" More like "What's That Song?" Kidding. I like that song and that joke was bad. But if you could not wail tunelessly about being the "only girl in the world," I'd appreciate it. Also, is Eminem Swedish or something? Because last time I checked, the phrase "I love the way you lie" made no sense.
Rapper who thinks he's Oliver Twist but isn't: B.o.B
I know it sucks to no longer work at Subway. But next time you pretend that the "airplanes/ in the night sky/ are like shooting stars," you might want to mention that you own them.
Angstier than a Plain White T at his first dance: Bruno Mars
I find you to have severe emotional problems. Do you even know the girl you're singing about in "Grenade?" Or are you just "awaiting friend confirmation?"
Most unintentionally ironic: Sara Bereille
I mean....she did write us a love song. No?
Artist whose songs are clearly written while on "E" for the purpose of listening to while at a black light party and on "E:" Black Eyed Peas
Teenager who takes laser tag way too seriously and looks like a woman: Justin Bieber
Teenager whose life is most negatively affected by the existence of Bret Michaels Miley Cyrus
(Runner up: everyone).
Teenager who -- oh, wait. She's not going to be one for, like, 90 years: Willow Smith
Female artist I should find empowering but actually hate: Pink
Pink is that girl who claims to be a tomboy but buys her cutoff denim shorts at Jessica McLintock. Do you always have to be *so* shit-kickingly irreverent? It's getting old.
Female artist I should hate but actually find empowering: Katy Perry
Yes, most of the time Katy Perry is about as enlightened as The Tourist. But she writes her own music and some of her songs are actually really funny ("Peacock" is awesome). And that music video for "Firework?" The one where she saves at risk kids by pointing her exploding breasts at them, which are actually fireworks? I'm pretty sure it's a metaphor.
"Carry Out"features such clever lyrics as "Now is it full of myself/to want you full of me?" and "Baby get my order right/ no errahs/ Imma touch you in all the right areas." And technically, the music video is "really, really offensive." But they're just so darn likable. Not Oscar likable. But likable.
Music video that's just ... hideous. Miley Cyrus, "Can't be Tamed."
How about if we just tame your desire to do anything in front of a camera?
Song you thought kind of already made the rounds but apparently didn't: Beyonce, "Halo"
I know you love Beyonce and want her to sit in the front row so you can pan to her whenever the person onstage is ugly, but "Halo" won Vocal Performance of the Year last year. At this point, you might as well just drop all pretext and nominate Beyonce for "Best Comedy" along with The Tourist.
Worst lyrics ever including all songs written by Lindsay Lohan: Keri Hilson, "Pretty Girl Rock"
"My name's Keri/
I'm so very/
fly oh my it's a little bit scary..."
We all love a good hook girl. For thousands of years, hook girls have contributed to society by taking what a rap artist says and sexily repeating it. So it's a special kind of graduation when 'hook girls' break free from the shackles of suggestive parroting. I had high hopes for Keri Hilson, whose sentiments rarely veered from "Sometimes love knocks you down! Just get back up when it knocks you down!" Unfortunately, "Pretty Girl Rock" sounds like a Remedial Improvised Rhyming 001 reject.Come on, Keri. For former hook girls everywhere -- raise the bar a little, huh?
Most awesome use of the sound "Ay:" Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga puts the "Ay" in Lady Gaga. Gotta love "Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh/stop telephonin' meh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh." Obvious-lay.
Most obnoxiously literal song about how her old boyfriend sucks: Orianthi, "According to You"
Orianthi was clearly created solely to make pre-teens feel indie while rocking out at sleepovers. Do you take lyric lessons from Kelly Clarkson? Because this is makes "My Life Would Suck Without You" sound like Eric Clapton.
Song that -- while you intellectually understand that it's bunch of white gangsta toolbags -- you always, always listen to all the way through: Far East Movement, "G6"
and, finally........
the most talented artist of the year: This parrot. Enjoy. And let me know if I left anything out.
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SONYA LEA
Steve Blevins
sueinaz
Colleen Claes
Willett .
Kimberly Manky
Salon.com
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