New Products at Starbucks: The Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin

BY OPHELIA (guest contributor and student, Elsinore High School)


First of all, I'm trying not to freak out right now. I thought I'd be OK back here at Starbucks--I mean, it's been like a year since I saw Hamlet here with that art chick and (yay!) she's totally in a psych ward now and so out of the picture.

There's no way I'm looking up from this laptop. There's two bee-yatches from school whispering in the corner about me, expecting me to cry because that's what everyone always expects me to do. And by the way, I've already cried for two hours in the parking lot in my father's Lexus, which he finally lets me drive again now that Hamlet and I have broken up.

People are such unforgiving assholes. And by "people" I mean Juliet who was my best friend last year during the Hamlet crisis. Now she's like "oh, you were so faking the suicide threat thing." In Bio yesterday, she mouthed "faker" at me just because I still haven't killed myself or anything. Juliet thinks she's got bigger problems than anyone.

If there's anyone who should hate anyone, it's me. Juliet told me about these "nonfat" pumpkins muffins at Starbucks a couple of weeks ago, and then she actually brought me some because she knew I didn't like to come in here. Well, I looked up the nutritional content of these things, and they're like 500 calories each!!!!

Then I saw Juliet licking Hamlet's hand in the hallway and it all started to make sense. Not cool, Juliet. Not cool at all.