Copyright © 2010 By Christine Macdonald | All Rights Reserved

Customers of strip clubs are like used cars in auto malls; there is always a variety of inventory, and each one wishes you would ride them.

The majority of this Hodgepodge of Horny were harmless, lonely men. Not surprisingly, I describe my old stripper-self the exact same way. Perhaps both ends of the stage simply wanted an escape. Always making for an interesting adventure, the different characters in the audience would never disappoint. Allow me to paint you a picture of just a few.

This type of customer was a classic example of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. On second thought, they were more like boys in mens clothing. At first glance, I’d think he’s young and clean cut, so I would rest easy working my way up to them on the stage. Once positioned and face-to-face with the darlin’ scholars, I’d smile, dance a little, and lift my garter for them to place a tip. More often than not, College Guy smiled, kept staring at my ta-tas, but made no attempt to fetch their wallet. At this moment, any stripper realizes, College Guy is a euphemism for Poor Guy; not to be confused with Cheap Guy, who is much lower on the stripper-tolerant scale.

If College Guy really liked you, (and you had patience) you could get a dollar from him after about four songs. It was a lot of work for a buck, but you had to respect a guy for squeezing in mid-terms with strip-bars, and fitting in a stripper tip on a mac-and-cheese budget.

Drug Dealer Dude

Steadfastly calm and rarely perched directly under the lights on the stage, Drug Dealer Dude was a subtle and loyal fixture within the walls of stripper debauchery. Although neatly tucked in the shadows, spotting them in the club was never difficult. Drug Dealer Dudes were usually surrounded by a bevy of beauties donning not much more than a g-string and smile. Count me in as one of the gals in line to schmooze for some mind-altering merchandise.

In 1990’s Waikiki, the most popular substances in the skin trade were cocaine and MDMA (Methylenedioxymethamphetamine), commonly known as Ecstasy, “E” or “X”. Occasionally, you would smell Marijuana being puffed back stage, but the real action was in pills and powder.

Always the consummate salesmen, Drug Dealer Dudes were entertaining to hang out with, but not really the greatest customers. Unless they had a crush on one of the girls, or were lost in a girlfriend-fantasy (some strippers usually slept with them for free drugs), Drug Dealer Dudes never really tipped.

Mr. Married

Here is a group of men who made me feel like I was on the witness stand in the proverbial Justifying My Life trial. It’s safe to assume dancing for wedding rings was not my favorite. I was always reminded of what a cliché I was. I am not sure if it’s because they may have had children of their own, but married men always questioned my career choice.

What does your father think of you doing this? I was asked. I don’t have a dad was my usual answer. He left when I was two. I over-shared.

After learning I was fatherless, Mr. Married customers would usually continue the interview.

…Okay, then how does your mother feel about you being in here?

As if timing were customized, I paused for a moment, looked in Mr. Married's eyes while taking their left hand in mine and smile. Still gazing in their concerned eyes, I would lean in and point to their wedding ring and answer with my own personal question.

I don't know...how does your wife feel about you being in here?

Silence.

I usually received an uncomfortable touché look, and the subject was immediately dropped.

Japanese Tourists

For many reasons, Hawaii is one of the most popular tourist destinations for Japanese travelers, and strip bars were often on the agenda.

Tour buses would deliver flocks of these Japanese businessmen and their mistresses. These types of customers were the hardest to dance for, in my opinion. They treated strippers with the utmost disrespect. We usually put up with the abuse, because they were also the highest paying tippers.

Most of the Japanese tour groups came in big numbers, and with their mistresses sitting next to them, it was not uncommon for a full stage of customers to sit and watch you perform.

Positioned quietly next to their men, the petite mistresses would sit and smile. I always wondered what these ladies were thinking, so I found ways to entertain them. After a while I realized I could literally double my money if I simply made the ladies feel present.

Stripping for the Japanese Tourists Mistresses was different than tolerating the men. I preferred it actually. Instead of dancing sexy (that made them uneasy), I created a little game. I took one of the dollars in the stack in front of them, folded it and placed it in their hands. I then took my breasts and scooped the bill up with my cleavage right from their hands. The mistresses laughed, covering their mouths and started to have fun. I then taught each mistress how to “high five” with their hands and made a point to clap and cheer each time they tipped me. Before long, those mistresses were waving their dollars to play the booby-tipping-high-five game with me. I found a way to double my money.

Once in a while, a couple would come in the bar and after some cocktails, venture up to the stage for a closer look. One of the most popular fantasies of straight men is to watch two beautiful women together. I always had fun playing part in the fantasy. I felt comfortable, respected and adored when dancing for a woman and her man. I think women in general are competitive by nature, so it's no surprise that I considered their tips to be one of the highest compliments to receive. I always wished more couples came in the club. I think it’s a sexy and lovely fantasy to play out, if both parties are respectful of one another’s boundaries.

Military Boys

Oahu is a military stomping ground, with every service base and reserve station on the island within a fifty mile radius. On any given day, you would find your share of service men spending their hard earned dollars at the strip bars. Payday for them was always the 1st and 15th of every month, so you knew to work a double shift on those days if you wanted to rake in the dough.

Outside of a few isolated drunken incidents including fist fights and police arrests (usually when they were in large groups), my experience with Military Boys in the clubs was one of gratitude. They drank heavily and tipped even heavier, if they took a fancy to you. You just had to be careful not to break their young, starry-eyed hearts.