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NOVEMBER 25, 2011 6:27PM

Wal-Mart Riots? Woman Pepper-Sprays Shoppers

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Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers:

Early-bird Black Friday has turned ugly with 'competitive shopping' incidents. Unemployed Americans desperate for a Merry Christmas cluttered with cheap gewgaws made by outsourced slave-labor in a Chinese sweat shops (where the 0.01% capitalists don’t have to worry about pesky government environmental laws or labor unions and can keep their tax-free profits off-shore) are breaking to riot. Or perhaps theses desperate entrepreneurs from hell are just trying to suck up the deals to resell on eBay?

Competitive shopping turned violent at a Los Angeles-area Wal-Mart when a woman fired pepper spray to keep other shoppers at bay. In that incident the woman suspect is still being sought. But fear not for the under-funded Keystone Cops are surely hot on her trail and who can doubt they have their own pepper spray? Police say 20 people, some of them children, suffered minor injuries from the spray and subsequent "rapid crowd movement" (that’s Orwellian bureau-babble for panic). Witnesses say they heard screams coming from a crowd of shoppers rushing for discounted Xboxes and Wiis. I don’t even know what the Hell a Wiis is much less risk pepper spray to get my hands on one and I’m thankful I haven’t bred a snot-nosed brat who will suffer humiliation if we don’t keep up with the hipper-than-though Jones family.

In another incident North Carolina police used pepper spray to break up another Wal-Mart melee, and gunfire (no kidding) was reported at another mall where shoppers were gathered.

No. It’s not a hoax. I just read it in the L.A. Times. Given the known dangers due to a nefarious history of consumer stampedes, some resulting in death, one might hope that stores like Wal-Mart will be hit with the mother of all premises liability lawsuits (they certainly knew or should have known such dangers existed) such that the lawyers and injured customers at least serve to disgorge the mob-baiting, money-grubbing, greed inducing, corporations of the slave-labor, sweat-soaked, pound-of-flesh profits made exploiting desperation. Ho! Ho! Ho! But hey, since that’s what insurance companies are for let the Black Friday horror stories begin.


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