Oh my! Oh my! It’s been a long weekend flowing into Monday. Boobs, tits, and pencils. We got big boobs, little tiny titties, Olympic pencil competition, and foot hole pornography.

So let’s talk seriously about boobs.

I have had a huge set of hooters since….well…….

Let’s just start at the beginning….

The summer when I was 15 years old, I went from an A to C. First day of my sophomore year was full of comments like, “My, my, how you have grown.” All of a sudden, boys started asking me out on dates. I found out that I was fodder for the boy’s locker room gossip. “I felt up the flamingo this weekend.” And they instantly became a hero of the gym. This seemed to go on throughout my high school years. The funny part was, I was a major prude. Ain’t none of those boys even got a glance at these puppies, little lone, (southern term for Verbal) a feel.

Now that I think about it …..That could explain the lack of “second” dates.

Another side note here: At my 30-year class reunion the “boys” told me of their locker room antics. Imagine my surprise. The vestal virgin flamingo was a slut and she didn’t even know it.  

When I turned 18, those frontal masses grew another cup size.

Then another, before I turned 20.

Halter-tops? Don’t think so. Once, I found a top that actually covered these puppies and I was so proud to be “in” style. It was the 70’s and I proudly wore that cleavage out in public. The first club I went to, asked me to leave…seems my attire was inappropriate. No it wasn’t…it’s just the Dolly Parton chest. Never wore than damn top again.

My standard clubbing line….”Sugar, Look up. Here’s my face.” Boob men could spot me from afar.

One night I did win a wet t-shirt contest…. after way too much tequila,. (Did I just say that publicly? Oh well, we all do stupid stuff when we were young. And I was reeeeaaaaal young!)

Pencil test? One day, my roommate and I (she had those little precious-mouth-full-titties, that were so perky, I wanted to puke) tried the now infamous pencil test, while we were getting ready for a night on the town. She couldn’t hold the pencil. Damn perky bitch. I just laughed and stuck the hairdryer under mine. She said, best I not go without a bra….ya think?

Bathing suits? Bikinis? Those monsters flowed out the back, sides and top like a risin’ soufflé in a pan too small.

One year, I modeled at the Dallas Fashion Mart. I was so excited until they put me in the misses’ bathing suits booth. The one piece, iron-harness-kinda bathing suit.  Seems I had a rather mature body.

That was my one and only modeling gig.

Then came pregnancy. Those puppies grew to double E’s. I was 6 months pregnant when, finally, my stomach actually stuck out more than my boobs. Try taking a bath and lifting those babies up. They had to move ‘em to the sides when they were gonna cut me for my C-section. Hubby just laughed and told folks, I was a “2-hander”…. per boob. Nurse my precious baby boy? Hell, I was afraid I’d smother him.

Even when I’ve been skinny (I actually have a few memories of being skinny, once or twice in my life) I still had these damn big boobs. That’s right. It’s been said by several of you well-endowed ladies, clothes are NOT made for the well endowed. No button-up-the-front blouses. Sports bras? Sexy bras? Get real. Strapless? I don’t think so….They don’t make strapless bras in gigantic. Besides it could've turned into another souffle incident, with just a twirl on the dance floor.

So giving y’all a hint of the past, I now offer:

You know you have big boobs when……….

You’re jogging and you get a black eye (old joke but still funny) I quit that running shit ages ago. It took ‘em 2 minutes to quit bouncing, even after I stopped.

You get a heat rash (and I ain’t talkin’ diaper)

People ask where you got your boob job. (If these puppies were bought, they would be at attention)

Your grandson asks, “What ARE those? Do they hurt?” 

You get your picture in the paper because you were a good sport and tried the jackhammer at a public groundbreaking.

You screw up your keyboard. (For Cindy, of course)

Virtual Model has no body type quite like yours.

They give you an employment application when you walk in the door at Hooters.

You try to wear a sports bra but you look like you have one large chest abscess. …Also know as “uniboob.”

You haven’t seen your feet since you were 14.

You can put a baby to sleep in 3.2 minutes.

And last but by no means least………..

Guys come out of the woodwork to make comments. (Just watch!….you silly, silly booby-lovin‘ boys)