Today is the 26^th anniversary of my wedding.  In fact, my marriage ended two years ago.  In reality, it was over before it started.  I was young, and I just wanted to be loved.  And, the girl I was then, was.

 I’d like to believe so, anyway.

Through the years as the anniversaries came and went, I was evolving, growing, ever-changing into the woman I would become.   I became bolder, more confident.  In tune with myself and my sexuality.  And, I liked it.  I liked me.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, he-who-I-had-been-married-to for more than half my life, did not.  Could not.  Would not.  Ever.  Worse still, he could not see me for who I was.  Just the girl I had been.  The girl he wanted still.  When I finally was able to make clear to him exactly who I was, when he finally could see, I knew I was no longer what he wanted.  And, that I never could be.

I can’t fault him.  It’s not his fault that I had changed and he hadn’t.  And, didn’t want to.  It’s not his fault he didn’t want what he ended up with rather than what he thought he had.   I can’t even fault him his god-awful actions in the end.  Well, maybe I can fault him for that last one.  I never, as long as I live, will understand how someone who could profess to love another as he did me could do and say the things he did during that time.  Not ever. 

But, I digress.

I’m in a far, far better place now.  I’m with a man who is a man in every sense of the word.  He gets me.  Not only does he accept me for who and what I am, he revels in that.  Encourages it.  Isn’t threatened by it.  Loves me.  Me.  Not the woman he thinks me to be.  The woman that he knows I am.  There is no pretense.   Only open and honest communication between us.

And the most amazing sex.  Ever.  Adventurous, unashamed, fearless.

I look back on my past and wonder.  But, the past is the past.  I will never look at it as a failure.  I heed the lessons well.  I know that marriage, the proverbial house, picket fence, kids and a dog are not a guarantee of happiness.  Or a guarantee of anything, really.   I don’t take my life, or this man, my man, for granted.  I am constantly amazed, even still, that I was so ridiculously lucky to have found him.  To have this rare and illusive love.  

What I always wanted but never knew until I found him.