Mickey Kaus used to run a feature called the Assignment Desk, in which he'd offer up ideas for other writers to investigate. Journalistically, it's a bit lazy -- if the story's so great, why don't you do it yourself? -- but no one's ever accused me of being a workaholic.
So, in that spirit, let me christen my Open Salon Assignment Desk, aka, You know what I'd really like to read?
Here's what: A summary of last night's "American Idol." Not only last night's, every night's, done in a clever, slightly smarmy, perhaps cheeky, but not condescending way. Kind of like how Salon used to offer condensed versions of "Survivor" -- reading those was often more fun than watching the show.
Why we need this is obvious: "American Idol" is huge, but a lot of us San Francisco elites just don't watch it. I'm usually reading Proust and watching "Masterpiece Theater" while it's on. Still, I want to know what those bitter working class folks are thinking about while they cling to God.
So, who'll do it? You'll get a lot of readers, I promise!
Joan Walsh
Kerry Lauerman
Salon.com
Comments
Various contestants sing. After each performance the following process occurs:
1) Randy Jackson says
a. "I don't know Dog, that really didn't do it for me" or
b. "Dog, that was just Ok for me" or
c. "Dog, that was the bomb!"
2) Paula Abdul says
a. "That's a difficult song, and you did a good job with it" (English translation: you sucked) or
b. "You have an amazing instrument, and that was fantastic!"
3) Simon Cowell says
a. "Well I thought that was just dreadful; it reminded me of
i. "a lounge act in a cheap bar" (or)
ii. "a bad performance on a cruise ship" (or)
iii. "a high school musical" (or)
b. "That was the best performance of the night, and you just may be the one to beat in this competition."
4) Thereafter follow interminable commercials.
Scattered throughout are frequent exhortations about how "this is a singing competition," and "song selection is extremely important."
The above covers 90 percent of all of the performance shows.
For the results show summary, record it on your DVR and watch the 10 seconds in which the weekly loser is announced.