THE SCENE: In the not-too-distant future, two women sit at Starbucks with half-empty coffee cups and bitten cookies in front of them. The younger, taller woman has her blonde head in her hands. The older, white-haired woman is holding an iPad.
“My voicemail box is full of calls from reps whose clients want to advertise on the site. I know you'd rather talk about anything but this, but we have to.”
“[Groan]"
"I'll take that to mean ‘yes.’ What about Calvin Klein?"
“Have you seen the spring collection? Totally unwearable unless you’re an androgynous gazillionaire exoskeleton with no sense of humor.”
“Okay, no Calvin couture. What about a deal with Macy’s?”
“I hate Macy’s. They’re a Calvin wannabe, totally last season and a sham. They’re Walmart in drag.”
“Please!! Would you put your personal goofiness aside and focus on the big picture? These are sponsors, advertisers, and they want us.”
Two sighs.
“Look, our potential writers are from all over the place and that means economically as well as geographically. I don’t want to alienate...”
“Stop. STOP with that. You will never make everyone happy. Get over it. We have to start somewhere. Look at all the Macy's brands... INC International Concepts - pretty chic.”
“Skinny bitches.”
“Style&Co?”
“Hmmm ... I can wear their crap if it isn’t the same print as my Great-Aunt Ruth’s sofa. All right, let’s set it up.”
“Excellent. Now perfume. Back to Calvin and Euphoria.”
“Euphoria was my forever scent. Then it started smelling like my forever ashtray. What happened? Can I ask Calvin when we meet him?”
“You hit menopause is what happened. Euphoria didn’t change; you did.”
“And yet Calvin continued to take my menopause-tinged money.”
Two sighs. And one exasperated look.
“Sorry, sorry. If Cal’s interested, I’m all over it. Just don’t make me watch Zoe Saldana. I can’t stand her rolling around in her underwear.”
“Four billion men disagree, and she wasn’t selling Euphoria.”
“What do they know? Or care? I just wish she’d stop wriggling and get dressed. And stop talking. Whoever wrote that stupid copy on that stupid Super Bowl ad should have his or her stupid head removed and mounted in a Macy's window.”
“Are you finished?”
“What? No, I’m still eating... Oh.”
Two sighs.
“The Travel Channel.”
“Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! It’s my only chance to tell Anthony Bourdain that I forgive him.”
“I know I’ll regret asking why.”
“For posing in People Magazine and reducing his cool factor to almost nothing. I lost a hero that day.”
“You didn't actually just use the word 'hero,' did you?”
“I’m certain it was a dare from that gorgeous Eric Ripert or that adorable Michael Ruhlman, and I’d forgive those two anything.”
“As I have told you before, I know someone who knows someone who knows Tony, and you will be disillusioned beyond anything even your wild imagination can come up with if you are ever actually in his presence.”
“Not. Possible.”
Two sighs.
“Last one. It’s a biggie.”
“Lay it on me, sister.”
“Trump.”
“Is that even a word? Who is it and what are they selling?”
“No, doofus, I mean DONALD TRUMP.”
Stunned silence.
“Please tell me....”
“Just once...”
“... that you are not for one moment suggesting....”
“... would you please think of the experience, the revenue?”
“... that our writing be associated with HE OF THE HORRIFIC HAIR!?!”
“We could just meet with his rep.”
“Ewwwww. Okay? Ewww.”
“All right. All right, forget it.”
Two sighs.
“So I can make appointments with the rest? We’re set?”
“We’re set. [Long pause] Is this really happening?”
“Lise, you are awake and semi-alert and this is really happening.”
“Holy shit. It’s just a web site.”
“It’s a phenomenal web site.”
“We’re just a bunch of writers.”
“We’re a phenomenal bunch of writers.”
“Have I said thank you for …”
“You’re welcome. Me you, too.”
Two coffee cups clink. Two gaze at the blue sky above. Two sigh as one.
If you would like to see for yourself what L.C. Neal and femme forte are talking about, come on over to www.fictionique.com.
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Rob Neukirch
Lizz Schumer
quattospeaks
jmac1949
Kerry Lauerman
jlsathre
Salon.com
Comments
:-)
I love imagining meet ups with you and LC.
but it's a big place, the google-y web, and there's room for lots of sites. we think there's a need for a place for great writers to work with each other, to publish fiction and poetry and essays, to write about things that fascinate them and their readers - which just coincidentally becomes a place for readers who appreciate that kind of work.
if you're one of those readers, come read. if you're a someone with writing chops or an artist who would like to get your work in a great place, get over there and click on "Submissions/Contact Us."
this - Hey - What Do You Think We're Doing? - explains it better than i can in a comment.
i gotta go. i'm gonna be busy for a couple hours, reading what my friends have written in both places. hope to see you all around.
love and kisses,
candace
Anthony has never lost my princess points..:)
rated with hugs
and i'm beating her on the head to add food. thanks for the nudge. it'll happen. ;)
P.S. A little basil rubbed on the wrists is a lovely scent.
But I digress...
I've been wondering where you've been....
♥R
Congratulations.
R
I'll have to find some more time to flit between both these sites.
I can tell already it will be worth it!
that "everybody" includes aim and joanie and our beloved monsieur (mon dieu! c'est vous!) and the oh-so-connected kim/unB (who knew??) and fusun and leon (we'll give you the address) and our gal pal rita (who loves her a badass now and then - heh - like someone else i know) ...
... and steve (shirley's guy!!) and robin, the new youtube star!, and catch-22 (haven't seen you lately!) and dragonangel517 (who is now going to be in huge trouble at work!)...
... and our prolific wolfman, lovely sheila, contributor LINNN (playwright extraordinare and amazing humorist), matt who's already there, too, and linda (who still loves tony, no matter what) ...
and one of my oldest (not in age - what am i, nutz?) pals whose writing has all of us jealousing, ken honeywell. whose words we hope to soon see ...
... big thanks, huge actually, from LC (the architect and idea woman) and me (the i dotter and t crosser). we can't tell you how much the support means. well, we could, but this has already gone on too long. where's the editor, dammit?
LC is the site maven and deserves every high-five for putting it together and donating many, many hours she should have been sleeping (or working, but we won't tell). it's her baby.
um, scarlett? :::!!!::: extra big comin' up.
gerald, nice to meetcha! pink, that sounds like i imagined The Donald's hair to be. i wonder what his salon colorist mixes to get that exact awful shade?
no, heron, he doesn't own or, sigh, even rent. lise has built a fortress he cannot scale. we'll have to send him to nikki ...
nikki, i'll give him your email address. heh.
btw, everyone, we link to nikki's site and, so far, one other. we're trying to be encouraging, not jerks.
thanks, sophie. us, too.
psychewoman, stop rending! how many times have i told you: no rending! take some austin photos and post 'em there. we love you.
john, it figures. Coffee Bean is blech. or dreck, if you prefer yiddish. oh, and just for you: :)
bluestocking, thanks!! glad you like it. hope you'll be back soon.
lisa, that couldn't be funnier. like those guys who are always stroking their neckties -- !!! donald clearly has a hair thing, ahem. thanks for the look!
Congratulations! I will stop over to read~
rated
Off to check the link, wink*
I wouldn't mind being gum under the tabletop around which Ripert and Bourdain are seated. Especially if they're discussing Padma L and what a dope she is. (Top Chef fans, are you out there?)
Anyway, it will be an honor to read at Fictionique.
YAY food! and foodies!
~wanders off to lunch~
I've gotten it bookmarked already, right next to GirlsInHighHeels.com!! Teeheee!!
~wanders off, hitting rate with his tail~
ah, is the Donald writing?
you two are brilliant and lovely and wonderful to give us a space to romp around
(catch, my dear, I am almost invisible, but I swear I won't disappear)
“We’re a phenomenal bunch of writers.”
Yes you are. And it's a very cool site.
nice to meetcha, new broom. good to see you over on fictionique, too!
gotta love me some-a those high heels, even while you're drooling on the girls, silly cat. keep that tail of yours in check, eh? thanks, sweetie.
adorable vanessa, one of the stars of the fictionique firmament, thank you. lisa wrote it, of course, and i threw in a few extra laughs. donald isn't on the list. well, except the 'donor' list. ;
thanks, margaret. we'd love to have you jump in the pool!
our mainstay guy, pilgrim, who tosses beauty into the mix and keeps us happily grounded. thank you, dear friend.
flw: shhhhhh. lc told you not to tell, crazy woman. sheesh. ;)
whoooo, amy! here's to writing in our pj's and no ... more ... icky boxy suits! come have some coffee and read some of amy's new stuff on the site. it's fabulous! ;-)
and there are more surprises in the queue! wheeeeeeeeee!
no april fools here!
jeff, where've you been??? pfffffft. the only thing that says about lc is that she might have found out by actually reading People. [sniff] some people have no principles. or principals.
Now I've got to go take a peek don't I?
Rated for now and future success!