So many times in the last few decades I’ve had to contact customer service people for my defective products.

It used to be that rude Americans answered. I pictured plump or fat dye jobbed blondes , and other assorted American types. Sometimes you’d get surprised by a sweetheart. Dealing with disgruntled members of the public  could not be an easy or fun job. The public has never been pretty. It wasn’t personal.

 Then it was that Indians(Not the American kind) that  responded to the toll free numbers. They were pretty unpleasant too. I figured they were responding to the pressures of the caste system.

By all indications, it is now the Philipinos, that man the many call centers sprinkled throughout the vast universe.  

 Say what you will about the corporatization of our culture, customer service personell have become so so so polite.

With this Philiphino customer service crop, I picture them in some sweatshop , in Manila, being supervised to death. I see an Imelda Marcos lookalike sternly counseling them to eliminate any controversy or nuance from ever vowel.

“ In variouz studiez, corporationz have discov- urdered that signs of emotion decrease customer satisfaction izz-ewes, as well as profitz. You are being watched. Slip up and you will return to the slums!”

 On two occasions, I slipped up and said, “ Are you  a machine?” and was relieved when a robot’s voice replied, “ No. I.  Am.  Not machine.”

I meant no offense. I have zero interest in further stressing out low wage earners, who appear to have been spiritually sterilized, as it is.

These are very recent “conversations’ between me and a customer service agent, and a telemarketer.

Me: Hi. The printer is showing some error message. Won’t work.

Them: I am sorry to hear that, Sir. I am here to assist you with this Mat-hurrr.

Me: Actually, ha ha . It’s a ma’am. I sound like a man on the phone. In life, it’s supposed to be normal....I don’t blame you. I wish I could get an operation for this.

The voice: I am sorry for that miz—Under--- stand--ING, sir. Can you pleaze assist me, sir, with finding the warranty number that is prezent on the print-hurrr.

Me: Okay, you can just call me sir. Number 877799….

Call two. just a day later:

Male caller with same exact style of speech:

Him:  It app-here’s from our records that your mother qualifies for a free lifeline bracelet.

Me:. Wow. Great. I was just thinking about how she needs helps when I'm not around, and she falls…and can’t get up.

Them: Sir, it app-here’s from our records that your father also qualifies for the lifeline bracelet.

Me: Great. No. Not great. He… passed away. But, I’d be interested in the free thing for my mother.

Him: Sir, we can do that now for the low monthly rate.

Me: You said it was free.

Him: It is only dollars a day, sir.

Me: Dollars a day is not free, ma’am.

Him. I am a sir, sir.

Me: I know, and I am a ma'm... ma’am.