Here are the facts:
- I am in a committed relationship.
- I have an almost fail safe form of birth control, so no worries there.
- All my pink parts are in working order (I check occasionally *blush*).
I don't have sex. Better stated I think we don't have sex. I'm not entirely sure why anymore.
Thinking back, it started before my diagnosis. He was going through a bad patch and withdrawing into the abyss of online gaming. There were fights, crying, uninstalling of software, reinstalling, concessions on the number of accounts (seriously, he has 4 and plays two characters simultaneously - farked up I tell you).
I tell my girl friends; if you find out they game, run like hell. You can't compete with cat women in breastplates.
There have been misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This has been the longest relationship for the both of us and I think neither of us understands what needs to be done to sustain it. But my primary worry is the sex, and lack of it.
I can't really tell you when the pain started as it was a gradual thing. I started begging off touching because it hurt too much. This mean no snuggling, no hugs, no hand holding. Some days I cry when I am motionless on the couch, because the weight of my body is too much for me to bear. How could I handle his body on top of mine?
We have made terrible mistakes. Our sleep schedules were not matched. I couldn't stand to go to bed with him, as he snored like a grizzly bear in the dead of winter and I could never get restful sleep. Since most of the time he was gaming to the wee hours, I could a least get a few hours sleep. I started asking him to let me fall asleep first, to come to bed later.
My feeling were hurt when I would try to seduce him, only to be ignored. He stopped trying to touch me, as I would only flinch in pain or recoil because my feelings were still bruised. He started taking an antidepressant, further killing any desire he might of had. Sex is now down to once every three months or longer.
When we do try, it's bad. Bad sex is difficult to accomplish. Usually there is a bit of alcohol involved as it seems to diminish the bad feelings. It never ends well.
It feels like a catch 22 situation. We don't have sex because we aren't comfortable anymore because we don't have sex. It makes us sad that we aren't intimate, and sadness makes the pain worse so we can't be intimate. Is it because of the disease? It is because of his behavior? It is because of me? Or is our relationship over and everything else is just a side effect?
I am feeling better lately. I have some new drugs that are making me feel better physically. I live more hygienically, organically, spiritually - and it's helping. I do not know what to do about the mental/sexually side of things. I feel slighted because it seems he doesn't try, isn't interested. I'm sure he's pretty pissed that he bought into a relationship with a broken girlfriend. We are living like roommates who hug too much.
So what do you do when the sex is gone? How do you repair the boom boom factor in a relationship? Can it even be fixed at all?
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I've had some relationships all about sex, and some all about love and if the real love is there for both you work things out. But each of us has a different story.
Have you talked to a therapist who you can trust? I think the only thing I know is that you have authentic feelings and a way to write them and a life outside this relationship. I hope you can get to a place where you can deal with this with less anguish, because it isn't your fault and otherwise you are such a successful person.
1. You may have to put in more than 50% of the effort, more than 50% of the time, at least at the beginning, and maybe for longer than you think should be necessary. But still. If YOU are more bothered by it than he is, then you may have to be the one to make the first move, more often, and not take offense if he says no for a while. It's like if you break your parents' trust. You can't just prove yourself trustworthy once and assume that restores everything immediately. It might take a while. It might suck because it's due to a medical condition and not anything you did deliberately. But if you want the sex you have to let the past go.
2. It's okay to say "let's have sex even if we are not entirely comfortable with each other." Sex is a basic human need, and having sex anyway could help to RESTORE that comfortableness. I'm not saying "have sex if you don't want to", but rather "have sex even if you think it won't be a happy-happy-fun-time-best-time-ever and will be awkward. Have sex just because it's sex and you like sex.
3. As to the antidepressants and loss of desire, sex doesn't have to be about intercourse and/or orgasm. Try other things, and don't obsess too much if things don't work out any particular time. Practice makes perfect.
4. On the other hand, why would you stay in a committed relationship of the kind that you tell all the other people you love to run, don't walk away from? Sometimes you have to cut your losses.
5. Have you tried TALKING to your partner? Saying listen, sex and intimacy are important to me, are they important to you? Are you happy with our sex life the way it is, because I'm not? And then listen to the answer. You need to determine together if it's something you can live with / get used to / stop resenting.
This may sound like I'm saying it's your fault, but I'm not. I'm saying that you can only control your own actions, not someone else's. You can take the lead. If he says "no", then say "okay, tomorrow, then". Act optimistic, not pessimistic.
Enough soapboxing. Good luck!
Between having a child and both my wife and I being on anti-depressants (which can play havoc with the libido), I have become used to the ebbs and flows. Ultimately, though, we try not to go too long without because we just need to confirm our physical closeness with each other.
Best of luck!
Okay, let's see? When the sex is gone? Can it be fixed? (1)Time to find another video game player and... (2) no, it can't be fixed.
You made it clear that you thought it was a "committed" relationship, I hear that. But unfortunately, your description is wrong. In a committed relationship when these sorts of major issues develop, the two involved strip naked and don't leave the room until the shit gets cleared up. You, on the other hand, are blogging about it. He, presumably is mentally masterbating in front of a screen somewhere.
He is pissed off that he "bought into a relationship with a broken girlfriend? What utter nonsense. You girl, have presented more "whole" thoughts and sensitivities in this one blog the half of the Hooters girls I've dated. (In other half-I'm afraid that I required no thought making abilities or genuine sensitivities from at all. But that's not the issue...let us move on.)
You are in Iraq. You can either wrap things up now, get the hell out now leaving a vengeful bloodbath in your wake , or, you can leave later, much the more wrecked for your troubles leaving a vengeful bloodbath in your wake.
But for our purposes here, as long as YOU asked, I say stick it out and thrash unfruitfully into the deepening quagmire of this unpleasantness until you have but no other choice than to escape with what's left of your dignity and sanity. Obviously this is your first encounter with situations of this kind and need to be beaten emotionally senseless before saving yourself. In that way...we are all alike.
My best wishes and should you need further instruction or strategic advice,
my door is always open.
regards
RH
All I can say is that, while the lack of sex was a major subject during the divorce, in retrospect our problems had almost NOTHING to do with sex or with her chronic illness. The primary issues were much more basic, such as feeling visible and valued by each other and wanting more effort from each other. It seems that our "sexlessness" was the symptom, not the illness, and the illness remained untreated. Perhaps it was synergistic. The loss of energy we both experienced in the marriage was reflected in our sex life and in our personal desires. Both artists, our art suffered from the energy drain, addressed inadequately by SSRIs and individual therapy. This is not just my opinion -- my ex and I are on very good terms now, and she shares this sad assessment.
Some sex therapists say treat the no-sex symptom and the energy returns elsewhere. Perhaps that is true, but my ex and I tried repeatedly to force an interest in sex back into the relationship with no real change. I sometimes wonder if she and I had been able to reach far enough below the surface to where our more primary issues lurked, we may not have permanently poisoned the marriage. Whatever your answers, I hope you find that which you most need in this difficult situation.
@JoeBoxWine - all apologies, you seem to know how I feel. Sucky club, don't want to be a member anymore. Glad you got out.
@Roy Hobs - you made me laugh, which is quite a feat at this point, but I'm quite confused about the hooter's girl comment. I'm leaning toward it's a good thing.
All in all, this post did what I hoped - give me perspective outside of what my therapist prattled on about. I've got some things to go on from real people.
Should you expect a post about two naked people together in a room pointing at each other going "What's that for?" - maybe.
Stay tuned.
Talk to your primary care doctor about your medications. Many medications, even those that have nothing to do with depression, can lead to loss of libido.
Almost certainly there are psychological issues here as well, but no amount of therapy is going to help if medication has killed the libido of one or both of you. Check the medication aspect first. It could be resolved by something as simple as a medication change or addition.
My guess is that when we are young, men do most of the seducing. But then we get older and into stable relationships and the women have no idea what turns their man on. Which amazes me because seduction ideas are all over television (male writers putting in their fantasies I guess)
Have you ever considered cosplay? If he is so obsessed with "cat women in breastplates" then why haven't you dressed up like one?
Or there is the old standby: Princess Leia Bikini. There was a whole Friends episode about that one.
Make it all about him. Make advances where he is the one getting pleasured, and let him sit back and go with the flow. Then gradually get him engaged. He will respond.
I must admit I am not familiar with your illness. Do you have constant pain, or is it intermittent? Do some areas hurt more than others?
More importantly, does the BF know the answers to these questions? That could be key in why he has not approached you. If you had a system set up (tie on the door = hands off, panties on the door = hands on), or a set position list that was approved, and he knew the boundaries then maybe he would be more engaged.
I can probably chalk some of it up to the fibro (weight gain, lack of serious mobility, decreased umph, and clearly the nagging, omnipresent ache) but I can also chalk some of that up to living with a partner who had his own gaming addiction. It was more important than me, than our son, than anything. That messed with my self-worth in a big way. All of that messed with my libido...
Somewhere along the way, I lost some of the weight, which increased my mobility. Then I discovered that when someone was actually interested in me, my libido also regained some of its umph.
This doesn't necessarily bode well for your situation, I realise, and I hesitated to comment at first.
But re-reading your post, I really did feel like I was re-reading some of my recent past.
Courage, my friend.
Good luck.
Regards
RH
To me, you indicate clearly that this problem started before your illness and has other elements/causes. So I think exploring those elements and remedying them any way you can is the way to go, as you work on getting relief from illness in parallel to that.
I don't know your feelings about psychotherapy, but I'd suggest trying to find a good therapist either for just yourself or both of you together, or best of all, both those options at the same time. It seems there's a lot more here than illness that needs to be sorted out.
As a thought experiment, trying imagining what the relationship would be like if you woke up tomorrow cured of your physical illness completely - what would the relationship be like? What would still be a problem? What would the good parts be? That might help you identify what the issues are and also what you have to build on.
good luck and take care!!
So sorry about your FM and all that entails for you.
Is it possible, that one element here, is that your BF fears hurting you physically, due to your pain, therefore, has pulled back on the sexual advances and has replaced his conjugal duties with the "gaming" buzz that you spoke of?
Sadly, men have serious addictions to computer porn and it numbs the sexual intimacy in the real life relationship. I hear this so much from women close to me, as well as experience with this in relationship as well. Painful stuff. It's rotten to deal with and takes both parties willing and wanting to change the dynamic in the relationship, in order to save it. You cannot do it alone. Hard to say what is best or right or clinically proven, etc...as this is so subjective and personal.
I do wish you all the best and would encourage you to live authentically for you. Be open and honest about your feelings with your partner, do you part, in so much as that is comfortable for you, be true to you. If he is needs more, the open communication may be the nudge he needs to be equally as honest with you about his needs and willingness to become intimate with you again. If you can be in sync in theory on this, you may be able to create a scenario where you can recapture or better yet, give emotional birth to something brand new, starting with letting go of the past and beginning fresh. No questions asked, start from sctatch, go on a real date with him and let nature take it's course. Be experimental, be unpredictable, surprise yourself, give in to fantasy, make it playful with no expectations. This is starting to sound good to me. I've got some work to do! Set the stage soon. For YOU! Best of luck and expect the sizzle.
May the force be with you, Princess Leia or not.