I'm broke.

I have $68 dollars in my checking acct. and $250 in my savings.  I do not have a job at the moment and do not qualify for unemployment.  The only reason I am not homeless is that my domestic partner is currently paying the bills, but if something were happen to our relationship (distinct possiblity looming some days), I would have no where to go except for my car. 

It's freaking cold out there, people.  Fibrogirl doesn't want to have to sleep in her car. 

I just completed my taxes using an online tax preparer and found out that since I am so broke, was a student, paid for medical care, paid insane amounts of rent, spent money on looking for a job, and wasted a Roth account that never made money to pay for school, that I qualify for....

Every stinking cent I paid into the federal and state government.  

Every cent.  

This money will keep me afloat for the next 3 months or more if I'm careful.  I will be able to pay for all things that must remain paid to keep my person and possessions safe, as well as contribute to buying food and shelter.  I might actually do something fun as well to keep my mind off of the impending end of the 3 months, where I will be completely broke again.

I will also push back the feelings that I am trapped in my relationship.  I will feel like I have some leverage financially rather than being totally dependent on him for everything.  I will hopefully resolve some of the negative feelings I have towards being in a dependant relationship and learn to relinquish control and trust someone to take care of me. I hope I feel like I want to stay, rather than I have to stay. Because the money issue is clouding everything else (intimacy, timing, trust, future plans aligning) and I cannot focus on what would be the good decision to make.

Money is a bitch in any relationship, but when it becomes an issue on whether to stay or go I don't know how people do it.  I've been going crazy trying to figure out if he is letting me stay because he doesn't want to see me destitute or does he really love me? Conversely, do I really love him or is he just keeping me from being homeless therefore I cannot leave?  Or do I even need to think about this at all?

These are things I think I shouldn't have to consider right now. 

Therefore:

Thank you Uncle Sam, for letting me e-file and potentially depositing my refund in my account in 8 to 14 days.   It has taken an ugly variable out of the equation of my life. 

Now just be quick about that direct deposit..... please!