Years ago, I got a call at work from an old friend.

"Seriously, get online and check out the home town newspaper."

There was a front page spread about a violent murder of a young girl.  She was stalked for weeks by an old boyfriend, who eventually went so far as to hide in her trunk outside of her place of work, kick out the back seat while she was driving down a secluded road, then he killed her.  I've heard rumors of what he subjected her to, things of nightmares.   It's hard for me to imagine such a person and how their life has led them to that point of inhumanity.

This person was also my ex-boyfriend.

We met in high school at a local hang out.  His best friend and my best friend had the hots for each other; we were forced to talk while they made out like lunatics.  

He was the first guy that ever paid attention to me.  He was "good looking" by small town standards and the only blond man I have ever been attracted to.  He called me incessantly and I liked it in that way an insecure teenage girl would.  He would hitchhike to my town and stay at various friends houses so I could sneak out to go on "dates" with him.  

Little did I know he had stolen my mother's calling card number and was making all those calls on her dime, about 500 dollars worth.  He also slept with my friend while he stayed at her house.  He pressured me into having sex with him while I was at my most vulnerable - when my mom was committed to the mental ward after a break down from years of drinking and physically abusing her children. 

I woke up in short order (thankfully before I became pregnant) and I broke up with him with the typical drama that is associated with those moments.  During the middle of a local basketball game, screaming at each other, him crying and telling me that "he couldn't live without me" and that "he only wanted to be loved." 

That last statement,  I think about it a lot.

I moved on quite quickly, graduated and pushed my white trash beginnings far behind me.  I didn't think of him again until I picked up the phone that day in my office.

As the trial wore on, I began to learn things about his background that scared the hell out of me.  I am reasonably sure that he was sexually molested by most of the adults in his life when he was growing up.  Molested would be a kind way of saying it considering some of the horrors that were documented about him.  I used to think that the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother was pretty bad until more details about his trial came out in the papers.  

I remember little about our conversations, but am fairly sure we talked about how his father beat him quite regularly.  He never spoke of the sexual abuse.  He had brushes with the law back then, mostly for petty crime.  His friend's sister would call me from time to time after we broke up for a few years, begging for me to talk to him (or to help her , or to send money, or any number of things I was ill equipped to deal with and didn't see any signs in).  

His father was convicted on rape and molestation charges about the same time.  So were his brothers at the same time this trial was going on.  His youngest brother had to testify against him, which was tragic as the brother had documented mental acuity issues and I'm sure received the most abuse over the years.  My ex also had pending sexual abuse charges against him  where he was accused of molesting the murdered girl's relative and a warrant for home invasion.  His whole family was a legacy of continuous abuse.  

My ex was convicted on kidnapping and first degree murder and was sentenced to life in prison without parole.   He is incarcerated not far from where I live. I found this out by looking him up on the offender tracking system that was implemented in my state. 

He deserves to be in prison.  He is no longer a functioning, compassionate human being -  I know this. That part of him was destroyed long ago in ways I cannot imagine.  But I wonder what would have happened if someone could have seen the signs so long ago. When I knew him he was troubled, but not violent.  I do not know if he was abusing others at that time but I do think he was sexually manipulative and probably inappropriate with children either during or shortly after high school.  A molested child growing up to be a predatory adult - it's an old story.  But why didn't anyone see it?  The teachers that he was in school with, the police that arrested him as a minor, any number of adults that were in his life as he was growing up, and even myself -  I even think that maybe I could have done something if I had been more aware.

I look at his prison photo online, he looks shell shocked as if he cannot imagine how he ended up there.

I still have a photo of him from high school, where he was smiling and looked full of promise. There was still some semblance of a soul in his eyes.

I have trouble reconciling the two photos as the same man. If someone had shown him love and compassion earlier in his life, maybe the events of that day wouldn't have unfolded.  The girl would still be alive, her family wouldn't be anguished, children wouldn't be involved, he could have graduated, made something of himself.  

From time to time I check OTIS to see if he is still in the same prison (and alive).  Sometimes I think of contacting him because my compassion level is a little out of whack but lack when I try to find words.  I don't know how to balance giving this kindness to him with the immense loss that he left in the world.

Maybe someday I will find a way to accomplish this act.