The last couple months I have been stressed out, my nerves a wrecked and in emotional chaos. Everything going crazy in my life, it has been one thing after another. A day to day struggle just to keep my head above water and not jump off a cliff.  I know my posts have been somewhat of different moods and emotions. I will tell you that I am getting things worked out and somewhat under control. So I apologies and I will get everything back on track real soon. I want to tell you all Thank you for being my friends and being so supportive, I deeply appreciate very much.

Along with all the bad that I have written about or expressed in other ways, there has also been good too. So let me just take a few minutes to tell you about some of the good that has happened to me lately. Throw in a couple of the bad things that I have gotten worked out. Even some of the bad that I have just excepted and found a reason to think about the brighter positive side of everything.

Last night was 538 days of sobriety. It has been one hell of a ride in the beginning of the journey. I know I have so much more of the journey to go. But every 24 hours I learn something new about others, the world and myself. Every step that I have taken has been worth every mile that I have accomplished.

Last weekend I FINALLY got my apartment unpacked, decorated and it looks like a home. I say finally because I have lived here for 8 months and I only unpacked what I needed to have on daily bases, and left the rest of the stuff for another day. Well day in and day out, came and went, and I never got it done. Which this is SO OUT OF CHARACTER for me. When I move I have everything organized, labeled, and ready to go to whatever room it needs to be in. Then it usually only takes about maybe two days for me to have my house looking like a home.

I think the thing was that I am not as an anal control freak and not such a clean freak as I was. Well I still am a little bit, but I don’t stress on it like I used too. Then I also think that I had moved so much the last year and half (after the DUI and Rehab) I spent all that time living in boxes, and going from place to place, until the next place. That maybe in the back of my mind I was still waiting to have to pack up and move again, so therefore I didn’t unpack anything. Now my apartment looks like a home, all nice, clean, and organized. Looks pretty damn cool with my artist touches in decorating.  It really does make me feel so much better, one major thing out of the way.

I still have my woodworking shop to set up and to get it ready to go. I got a couple job offers, to refinish a few antique pieces, for some of people that I know. Since I need the money, I need the shop done, so I can get started on making it happen. I even moved my wicker couch, I got a new couch, that I had in the living room out to the back deck. It isn’t my hammock or porch swing. So until I get a house with a porch for my new swing, I got for Christmas of 07 and never got to hang up, or trees to hang my hammock in, this will have to do for now. Sitting out there on the deck, watch the stars, looking at the moon, with all the land, trees, open sky to see for miles, just sitting out there taking in the fresh country air it is so relaxing and peaceful.  

The last two months I lost around 30 lbs. That is even after eating 3 gallons of tin roof (the best) ice cream, 2 boxes of little Debbie brownies, and a bottle of chocolate syrup, by myself last month (something I never do, I am not that into sweets, unless it is M&Ms maybe). I was not trying to lose it this fast; I was just taking it slow and letting my body adjust to the changes of no bad chemicals in my system. Yes I am eating health, even drinking health stuff and taking vitamins too. It felt really great when I put on a pair of jeans tonight, that I wore before I quit drinking, and they are baggy as hell on me, they used to be really tight on me. So I think I have lost more weight then I put on after I quit drinking. Most of it has been from the stress, nerves, heartbreak, which isn’t a great diet at all to be on. When I am stressing and a ball of nerves my body burns it faster then I can put it in, it always has been that way all my life. But like I said I eat good and healthy.

I have been even taking walk everyday in the mornings so that will help out to strengthen my legs, help with the back and hip problems. Losing the weight has also helped on the back problems.  I feel great having lost what I gain after I quit drinking and even more. I was also going out to the lake, and going hiking every once in a while, but now I am kind of stranded.

My car broke down on the highway last Friday. Sucks! I was going to go fishing, I was so pissed I cried. I had the gear, everything ready to go to my favorite hide out place, to camp out for a couple days. Hey but the way I look at is that at least I only paid $200 for it. It got me the jump-start that I needed to get on my feet faster and getting life back together. I didn’t owe any money on it, which is really good. Now I am job less, money less, and car less. Sounds like I am up a shit creek without a paddle. I know this is some where I have been before, I have always made my way back up again. I know that if anyone can get out of this crappy situation, I know I can do it. Where there is a will, there is a way. So now I have to find another disposable car, to use until it breaks down. I do have to add that, I sure do miss my brand new car that no one drove but me, that I had before all of this shit hit the fan. Sometimes shit just happens to wake us up, and keep us on track. All is good, and this too shall pass.

Tuesday I celebrated one year done with probation, yes I am on probation. No it isn’t for assaulting anyone with a Louisville Slugger or a chain saw, nothing like that at all. I got 2 years for DWI and reckless and endangerment, I was heading straight into on coming traffic the wrong way, Thank God that they got me on the ramp.  Okay but I got one year done, and one more year to walk down. NO PROBLEM!  I hope goes by as fast as this last one did. But to be really honest it doesn’t  bother me, that is until I wanted to go visit my best friend in Arkansas, and I couldn’t without hiring an attorney and going before the judge. Okay yeah right! Like I can pay for an attorney on unemployment. Sure okay! No problems! Let me just stand on the street corner with a mattress strapped to my back to make the money first. NOT! I think I can wait it out one more year.

Now that I told you I am on probation, I can tell you the MAIN thing that has been bothering me for 4 months. In March I got a urine analysis dropped on me. Fine with me I haven’t done drugs for 20 years, since August 1989. I haven’t smoked pot since July of 2007, and I haven’t drunk any alcohol since January 1st 2008. So I thought hey, I think I have studied for this test pretty damn good, no problems what so ever. Yeah that is what I thought, but needless to say my UA came back diluted. They started looking at me, like I was taking something to wash out my system, but I wasn’t. This went on and on, taking test after test. I even stopped drinking so much water, which I drink a lot of,  I even stopped taking my vitamins, and drinking herbal tea.

When I walked in his office last month, and the UA looked like water. After I left there I called my family doctor, and told him I needed a blood drug screen done.  I paid $225.00 for a blood drug screen to hopefully get me out of this sticky situation. When I walked into his office last Tuesday I had 6 bad diluted UA sitting on his desk. I have a nice Probation officer because he was giving me the benefit of the doubt. 2 bad ones is a violation, 4 bad ones is a violation with time in jail, 6 bad ones is Probation yanked, and my ass in sent to prison. There was no way I was going to go to prison for something I didn’t do. I would have had to tell them to at least give me a joint to smoke, and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s to drink before they throw me in prison. Tuesday when he was finished telling me about the last two tests, that made for the 6 UA total. I reached in my purse, as I told him I had the blood screen done. He called it good and all was so much better.

I was so relieved, it was like a mountain had been lifted off of me, I had been stressing about the UA problem since March. I was so fucking scared of going to prison, I wanted to cry when I reached my car Tuesday after I left his office. I got on my cell phone called my Dad, the girls, my best friend, because they were all stressing over it. There was nothing I could do to make my body not detoxing itself, to make the UA come out good, trust me I tried everything, and nothing worked. But it is all done, and I am in the clear, that is until I have to start it all over again. I think I proved something to my probation officer about my character, since I volunteered the blood screen and handed it over to him. I think he might trust me more now then he did before. Shit! I was ready to give them hair, skin anything I could do. Like I said it was a total release for me.

After I went to the Probation office, and then the unemployment office. I decided that since, I was now free of the biggest stress there was in my life, and father’s day is coming up. I celebrate both Holidays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, since I was both mother and father for 22 years. If you don’t know I left their father when I was pregnant with my youngest, they are now 23 and 24. I usually buy some kind of power tools, or some kind of fishing and camping gear. This year I change my game plan, and went shoe shopping. I needed new white high heels, to go with some of my business dresses and dress clothes. So I found me a pair of really cute white high heels and a white belt I need for one dress.  I also found me a pair of really really sexy red strapped around the toes high heels. They will look good with the Red dress, and even with a pair of blue jeans and a white silky blouse. I think every women should have a pair of red high heels, I know I loved the feeling I got when I slipped them on my feet, OHHH HUMMM! It felt good.

So ladies thank you for all your advice. I even got me some red and mauve colored nail polish. Painted my toenails red and it made me feel so good. Okay I will admit I haven’t painted my nails or toenails since the girls wore born. I was too busy working and raising babies, who the hell has the time. I have painted them for five weddings and that is about it in the last twenty years. I know I don’t have to just look like a lady, only when I go to work, I can do it anytime of the day that I want too. Shit! I even got all dressed up, hair done and all just to go to the store. Hey! you never know who you might run into in the produce aisle.  That is what my step mom always told me, so I guess she had the right idea because it might work.

Other then that I have been just relaxing and taking one day at a time. Breathing as much country fresh air as I can. I will have to take picture of the scence I see off my deck, it is nice. 

Life if good! Going to get better!!