Friday afternoon I woke up from a nap, in a strange emotional mood. I have really no idea why I was so emotional. Shit not like anything has happened in the last few weeks, or the last several months. I couldn’t even begin to tell about everything that has been going on in my life, or even in my mind the last several months.

I will say that the last several weeks have been somewhat very emotional at times. I think there is something that happens when you come close to death, it kind of makes you stop, and take a long hard look at yourself, and your life. Looking at the past, present, and the future, everyone you have loved, lost and everyone you still have.

The week in the hospital I did come close to death, not only with my appendix ruptured, which was poisoning my whole body. But also the fact that with my two severe head injuries, that I have had in the past, when I went under for surgery there was a risk that I would not wake up again. They told me about this risk, but gee what choice did I have, my appendixes would kill me anyway, if I didn’t have the surgery, lose-lose situation there. The doctor also told my girls, that if they hadn't done the emergency surgery that night, I would not have made it through the night. But Thank God everything came out great, and I am doing so much better.

There has been a lot of emotions, from not just myself, but others around me, the last few weeks. One thing that was said to me, that really touch my heart, was Friday morning after surgery, my best friend was sitting on the bench in the room, looking so sad. I asked her, “Why are you looking so sad for?”
She looked at me, and said, “My best friend is laying on her death bed, and I was just sitting here thinking about what I would do without her in my life. I don’t think I can live without her.”
That was the sweetest, most touching thing anyone has ever said too me, and it broke my heart. I can’t get those words out of my mind. I know there is no way I could ever do without her in my life, it would be like losing a limb, and feeling it still there. She means the world too me.

So Friday afternoon when I woke up in an emotional state, I was sitting out on my back deck, thinking about everything that had happened, and everything that had been said, or done. When my youngest texted me about something, unfortunately she caught me at the wrong moment, and what she said hit me the wrong way, so we got into an argument via text. I finally told her I didn’t want to talk, and stopped texting her back.

Then a couple minutes later, my oldest called me, catching me at the wrong time, and what she said set wrong with me. I got upset, started to cry, told her I didn’t want to talk right now, and hung up. Why are children harder on the ones who have stuck around, and busted their ass to make their lives happened? Yet they will drop everything, and be so nice to the one who was never there for them, the one who still to this day breaks their hearts, and disappoints them. He came into town this weekend, and honestly I wasn’t handling it very good, to say the least.

After that I started to cry, and could not for the life of me stop. I decided that I would force myself to cheer up, I wasn’t going to sit around feeling sorry for myself, on a Friday night. I knew if I didn’t get out of the house, the walls would cave in on me, and I would go buy alcohol, I was really that close too it. So I took a quick shower, done my hair, makeup, and got dressed up nice, in jeans, and a tight lower cut shirt. You would have thought I had somewhere to go, by the way I was dressed up. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and really didn’t have anywhere I could go, or even wanted to go, I just had to get out of the house.

I stopped by the gas station; bought myself a pack of cigarettes, and two bottles of coke a cola. Did you know you could catch a really good buzz on coke a cola? I went country roading it, driving around the lake, sitting on the bank for a little while. Jamming to the radio so loud I couldn’t hear the world around me. I drove around for several hours, 150 miles actually, and wasted almost a tank of gas. I cried, I cussed about everything, I talked to myself, I sung to the radio (something no one ever wants to listen too, or witness), and I thought about everything in life, past, present, and the future. I think I was just overwhelmed with emotions, that I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So pardon me, while I have an emotion breakdown, and feel sorry for myself for just a moment, or two. I really believe now, that an emotional breakdown is really a luxury for the rich. Because I know I can’t afford one, or even have the time for one.

Then after I calmed down, I decided I would go by Wal-Mart, and pick up what I need for the house. I didn’t find any cute guys, at the lake or Wal-Mart; I dressed up for nothing, damn it. No not really, I dressed up because it made myself feel better, and I really wasn’t looking for guys, I was looking for answers. Talking and listening to my best score of wisdom, myself.

I called my oldest daughter to apologize for being upset, and hanging up on her. I told her, “Sorry I was just having a moment of feeling sorry for myself.”
She laughed, and said, “I couldn’t tell that, at all Mom.”
We both laughed, and talked a little longer. She invited me out to her house to watch a movie, “Swing Vote”, with her family, her father, and his son. I told her I might, but I would have to think about it. We got off the phone, and then I called my youngest to apologize to her also. The two of us talked for a long time, until I got to her sister house. I decided why the hell not, if he started anything I would just go home. Him, and I haven’t ever really talked, just dealt with each other for the girls, and stayed our distance from each other. If you don’t remember this is the one I have a state restriction against, and have to sign paperwork to let him come over the state line.

It was a nice to night of watching TV; no one started anything, or said anything bad, or out of line. It was really weird to be in the same room with him, and not argue. When I got into the car, and started it up, “Endless Love” started to play on the radio, which was our song when we were dating. I hadn’t heard that song for 25 years, and now it was playing on the radio. How weird is that? I forgave him for what he done to me, when I left my past buried by an old oak tree, a year and half ago. He never knew I forgave him, only God, and myself knew that, and that was all that needed to know.

I do have to say, that damn he got so fat, and ugly. Teehee! I think I made him eat his heart out, because even if I say so myself, I was looking good that night. My daughter even told me I look nice that night, Saturday when I seen her. It was kind of like running into an ex-boyfriend, looking hot, and making him realize what he lost. It felt good actually, because I know what he is married too, that made it even better.

I called my youngest daughter back, on my way home, and we talked for a while. She said, “I can’t believe you just watch a movie, with my father. That is so weird. If you get back with him I will not talk too you.”
I laughed at her, and told her, “There is no way in hell that I would ever get back with that fat asshole.”

I thought to myself, shit the dude almost killed me, why in the hell would I even think about that. And why in the hell would my daughter even think about an idea like that. It was a very weird night that is for sure. But like I said all went good. I do have to add, that I would not recommend that anyone do this, if you have an ex like mine, it wasn’t really smart, and it could have turned out differently. So I will tell you, “Don’t try this at home.”

The next morning I went to watch my son in law play Auzzie football. That is a really cool game to watch, it is kind of like soccer and rugby mixed, nothing like American football except for the shape of the ball. They play really rough, throwing each other and body slamming each other hard. I was really shocked. My daughter, her in laws, my little pooh (youngest grandson) had a great time, watching the game and talking. It was a beautiful day outside. After that I went home and cooked a dish for my daughter’s BBQ dinner. She was having a BBQ dinner for family and a few friends, so everyone could meet her father (sperm donor, that is what I call him because that is all he was).

I wasn’t going to go to the BBQ but my daughter talked me into it, actually made me feel bad more like it. She told me, “M-(her husband) told her, 'I have all my parents coming and you can’t even get your one parent to show up'.” I had to laugh. So after the guilt trip I told her I would come to the BBQ. Oh how much fun this was going to be. I really didn’t want to go alone, so I called the guy I like and asked him if he wanted to go with me. He was busy of course. I was disappointed in the fact that he couldn’t go; gee I should be used to it by now. Man! I am so tired of being alone, and having to go everywhere by myself. It would be so nice to have someone to do something with, and so nice not to have to be alone every weekend, you know someone to spend time with and have fun with. One day I will have someone.

I was also nervous as hell to go to the BBQ, and have to be around my girls’ father for several hours. I just knew that he would say something wrong, or that he would do something wrong, and I would lose it in front of everyone.  I jumped in the shower, and got all dressed up, looking good again. I drove the long way taking the country roads, jamming the radio up as load as it would go, just to get in the right frame of mind to have to be around him. Like I said over the years we didn’t talk that much at all unless it was about the girls, and money. After they got old enough I didn’t have to talk to him at all or see him, except when he showed up for the graduations, my oldest daughter’s wedding, and after Bubbie was born.

This was the first time he would get to see Pooh (my youngest grandson), he didn’t drop everything after he was born, and come up. Just like he didn’t come to the youngest daughter’s wedding because he wasn’t walking her down the isle. That was then, and this is now, so my youngest daughter decided to give him another chance, since they haven’t talked for 3 years. I was proud of her for doing so, and the two of us had a long conversation about it all Friday night.

I was sitting there talking to everyone, when my ex sat down across the table from me, and started to talk to everyone, and myself. He started carrying on a conversation with me, I wanted to ask him, “Why the hell are you talking to me, go talk to everyone else.” I would rather not have talked to him at all. But the more beers he drank the more he talked. I listened, and talked, we actually had a good conversation, I was being nice.

We didn’t talk about the past, or the girls, which was a good thing, because if he said one thing wrong I would have went off on him. He did piss me off, when he had Bubbie go in the house, and get him a beer. I told him, “ You didn’t not make him go get you a beer? That is so wrong!” Then I got up, walked into the house, stood in the bathroom. Told God, “Help me stay strong, and calm, I need your help with this one Lord.” I calmed down, and went back outside.

The conversation got on to drunk dialing, when his 15yr old son was playing with my cell phone, looking at pictures. I told his son, “Just don’t do like your sister does, and get drunk, and start dialing the guys’ numbers in my phone book.” We all got to talking about the times my daughter would call the guys, giving them a hard time over the phone. Okay, the two of us would still be up drinking, and talking after her husband went to bed. Sometimes I think he went to bed early on purpose, just so the two of us could talk, and have fun alone.  

My ex looked at me laughing. Then asked me, “Do you remember a couple years back when you drunk dialed me?”
I said, “No I don’t. I didn’t drunk dial you. Why the hell would I call you?”
He laughed and said, “Oh you did. It was a couple years ago. You were going off on me, letting me have it with both barrels. I just held the phone to my ear, and listened. I figured you had so many years of built up anger, and you needed to vent, and that I needed to hear what you said, because I had it coming. You kept me on the phone for 45 minutes too an almost an hour.”
I laughed really hard, and said, “Well I don’t remember it. But I bet I probably felt so much better after I said it all."  

After several hours of talking to everyone, and my ex, I was wore out so I went home. Jamming the radio, and taking the back roads, just to let it all go before I got home. Thinking to myself the whole ride home, about everything that had happened at the BBQ. Nothing like letting go of 25 years of built up anger, bitterness, resentment, and heartache, and just being decent to each other. Like I said I forgave him, but I still didn’t want to talk to him, or see him.

He was talking to me with respect, probably because I had achieved more, raised two great and awesome girls (better than he could have), and I survived it all better than he ever thought I was go too. Like I said before he is scared of me now, instead of me scared of him, which he should be, I am a much stronger person, than that little girl 25 years ago, mind and body. Again don’t try this at home, it hardly ever works out this good.


To top off the emotional roller coaster, my two blood brothers have been in contact with me, since I have been home from the hospital. The three of us have seen each other, off and on, the last ten years, but we never talked. Basically they disowned me when my mother disowned me. They treated me like I was trash, and shunned me for so many years. When they really had no reason to treat me badly at all, because I didn’t do anything to them, or my mother, they were just doing it because my mother told them too.

I have talked to my oldest brother, and his wife, off and on, for the last couple weeks. I may be getting my nieces to come up, and visit me, for two weeks. I don’t know them, and they don’t know me, we just know of each other. The last couple days I have been talking to my youngest brother.

They both told me “It is all in the past, mom isn’t here anymore, she took it all with her. Now we can let it go, and go on with life. We realized all this when we almost lost you two weeks ago.” It hurt, and broke my heart to think of all the years we have lost, because of someone else’s bitterness, and hatred. So now is the time to make up for all the lost years, because the three of us used to be so close.

So I am thinking about everything that had happened the last few weeks and the last couple days. Thought about my life, and where I have been and where I want to go. God gave me a huge slap on the face a year and half ago. I listened to Him, and I am still rebuilding my life for the better, the journey has been worth every inch of every mile that I have walked in the last 589 days (last night’s count).

Now two weeks ago, God gave me another chance at life again. Now I have been really taking a look at my life, what I want out of life, and where I want to go. I have also been thinking, there has to be something God has set in His mind, for me to accomplish, and do in life since, He has given me, now 7 chances at life, after close to death calls. Either that, or I am really part cat, and I have only 2 more lives left to go. No really, I have another chance, now I have to figure out what He wants me too do with my life. I think I will make the best of this life. Maybe my wake up call was also a wake up call for everyone else too.

I have heard that the hardest things in life too do are; to have faith, have hope, to trust, and to forgive. Forgiveness is the first step to moving forward.

Okay! God, I am listening. What do you want me too do?