I went to Kansas City today for the review hearing for my disability case. This country girl doesn’t like to drive in Kansas City, it never fails that I get lost. Today however I did find my way, and made myself earlier then I was planning. Well I planned on traffic and getting lost, but neither one happened.

I filled out the mound of paperwork they gave me, which was all the information they already had on file. I sat there in the waiting area waiting my turn, for about an hour and half. I had this dude hit on me, he started the conversation by telling me he liked my bracelet. I wear a silver bracelet, which reads “Embrace life, one day at a time.” He started to tell me about himself being sober and what AA group he goes too. I told him thank you and told him he could get one of the bracelets at Hallmark.

Then later he asked me if I was single, he was single for a year now, and would be interested in hooking up. I politely told him that I was single for three years, and sober for a year and half, and that I wasn’t really interested in dating, because I was living life one day at a time, rediscovering who I really was. What I really wanted to say was, no I am not interested in dating because it was because of four men that I was there today. He was fine with that answer, so he continued to make small talk with me, until I went in for my hearing.

But this post isn’t about being hit on at the SSI hearing building, this post is because I was there today. I sat there quietly listening to people talking around me about their lives, and their disabilities to their families that had come with them. The man who hit on me told me about his disabilities. I listen while thinking to myself, you know life really isn’t fair. Because the only reason I am here today is because four men in my past thought they had the right to beat the hell out of me, and all four almost took my life.

My disabilities physical and emotional are not anything caused from a wreck, health problems, or that I was born with or because of age, and not even because I got hurt at work. My disabilities are because four men who thought they had the right to lay a hand on another human being abused me, physically, mentally and sexually.  I have told my stories here on OS, some are still up and some are not. Telling my stories to the world, here on OS, has helped me so much, more than you can imagine.

The longer I sat there, thinking about how much my life has been alerted because of them, the madder I became. NO Wait! I wouldn't say mad, I became ANGRY. I wanted to cry right there in that waiting area, but I held it in. I then was called to go into the hearing, which I only found out that it was a review hearing, that the real hearing will be in three to four months, and that I needed to find an attorney.

I walked out of the hearing, in a bit of a hurry just to get out of that building. When I was walking to the door, I did look over to the man who hit on me, said good bye and thank you for the conversation, he smiled and said the same back to me. Then I pushed open the door and walked into the hallway. I found my way through the maze of a hallway to the elevators (I don’t like elevators).

I had to ask some lady in the hallway for help to find the parking garage. She kindly went on the elevator and helped me to the right floor and the right set of elevator to make it to the garage, then she turned around and went back up to the floor she was on. I thought that was the kindest thing someone could have done. I must have looked really lost or maybe she could tell I was upset by my eyes and face, people have told me if I don’t tell you something is wrong, you can read it on my face and in my eyes.

I found my way to the parking garage (don’t like parking garages) and then to my car. I sat in the car seat, hands shaking, and started to cry so hard. I had held it in as long as I could, and it now came flooding out. I got calmed down, and started to find my way out of the horrible roller coaster of a parking garage to the gate. I had to pay $6.00 for parking, OH Shit! I had no cash on me, I hardly ever carry cash, so I had to write a check.

After I was done, I was going to call a friend who lives close by there, but then decided against it, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or see anyone. Mainly, I didn’t feel like being near a man right then at that moment, even if I knew he would have cheered me up with just a smile and a hug. But I decided to go home instead.

Driving home my mind was going a million miles an minute. I was dealing with the stupid idiots on the road, in the construction zones. I almost got into three wrecks with in a two-mile radius. CRAZY! None would have been my fault and I don’t have road rage, I just like to act like I do sometimes.

As I am driving and thinking about everything going on in my life now and everything that happened in the past, I was flipping through the radio stations, I stopped at the song below, listened and I cried. I had never heard the song, until today.

I have made it through a lot in my life because I have Him on my side. I know I will make it through so much more, because He is still there with me. And along the way if I help one person by telling my stories or talking to them, then by the grace of God I know I did something for Him, and that all I have went through wasn't in vain.

I am home now, I have turned off my phone and I will soon turn off the laptop. I am going to just hide from the world for a little while. I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Thank you very much for listening. I hope someone hears what I said. Sorry if there are any errors, I didn’t proof read, and edit, because I had to get my feelings out.
Have a great day and lots of love..
Fireeyes24