One year ago today I lost my Mother. We were not on speaking terms for several years before she passed away. The story below is a story I posted about my mother and the day I lost her; it is a re-post. I hope you will take the time to read it, or re-read it.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, and wish things had been different between us. I always wished I had been strong enough to make amends with her. My mother died all alone and no one knew it, she had taken all the bitterness, hatred, and anger to the grave with her. She never gave anyone a chance to make things right, she never learned the power of forgiveness and the strength of letting go. She never learned how to love and to be love in return, or how to show someone that she loved and cared about them. I think about that now and I can only imagine what a lonely life that must have been. Please don’t get me wrong I love my mother, I always have and I always will. I will slowly heal from the damage she caused in my life.

 

 

No Chance To Make Amends

When I was growing up I was my Daddy’s little angel, and my Mother’s worse nightmare. My Mother and I knocked heads, and went at it each other all the time, just like every other mother daughter relationships. My Mother was a major negative force in my life, growing up with a mother like her wasn’t easy at all. In her eyes I was never smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or skinny enough. Her expectation of what I daughter should be like, wasn’t meant for any human being to live up too. She told me once “I wanted two boys with brown hair and brown eyes. Then you came along messed everything up.”  She was very jealous of the close relationship between my father and I.


Everything I did great in life she would knock me back down the mountain a mile or two. Then the next day she would act like nothing had happened, like it was a figment of my imagination. I spent my whole life walking on eggshells, waiting for the bottom to drop out from underneath me. As the only girl, and the fact that I looked and acted just like my father, I took the blunt end of all her anger and bitterness.


The way she was raised not being able to show emotions and being sheltered from the world, she didn’t know how to show anyone she cared. Her mental illness schizophrenia and depression, alcoholism and prescription drug addiction. She was a walking time bomb, waiting for the trigger to be set off. I know now that she did love me even if she didn’t say it, and couldn’t show it. It was not my fault that her diseases kept her from being able to be a normal loving, and caring mother to me. The only thing I can do now is to make the decision on how I allowed all of it to control and effect my life.


November 2006 the two us got into a huge argument over the phone. I reacted back very harshly to what she had said to me. I let her have it with both barrels, and told her I never wanted to talk to her again, if she couldn’t get rid of her negative attitude and be nice. I hung up the phone and after several mean messages, I turned the phones off so I didn’t have to hear the phone ring ten thousand times. I turned the answering machine off, so she would not have the opportunity to speak her mind and tell me her opinions. I was very serious I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. I was not going to allow her to be a negative force in my life any longer. If she could not be civil then so be it, I was done playing her head game.


September 2007 I had to see my Mother, at my youngest daughter’s wedding. She acted so nice, she acted like we had never fought in our lives, and we loved each other in front of everyone; oh she had to look like the loving caring mother. My best friend Sheri and my Step Mom came up to me, and commented on the fact that my Mother acted so nice to me.

I laughed at them both and told them, “Yes she is being so super nice to me tonight. It is about to make me sick. The bottom will drop out tomorrow, and she will go back to own ways again.”


Of course I had called that perfect, because the next day the bottom did drop out, and she was back to leaving nasty, hateful messages on my answering machine. After I listened to a couple of them I deleted them all, and shut the machine off. Couple days later she stopped trying to call me.


January 2008 when I had hit bottom in a bottom of a bottle, and had decided to check myself into an alcohol and drug treatment center. I made my two daughters, and my two Aunts on my Mother’s side, promise that they would not tell my Mother anything about what had happened in my life, and my plans at that point in time. I didn’t need her Scarlet O’Hara, negative, judgmental, self-righteous, would someone please feel sorry for me and give me a pill, attitude around to cause me more problems. I had to be focused on my life in order for me to get better, have a healthier and a happier quality of life.


Everyone kept their promises and didn’t tell my Mother anything about what had happened. Even when she would be so spiteful and devious in her ways to try to pry it out of them. Thirty days later when I was release from the treatment center, I told everyone that I didn’t want to talk to my Mother. I was told by my counselors to stay away from her, or anything to do with her, to better my chances at not relapsing. The counselors in the treatment center told me not have any contact with her, until I was strong enough to face what she dealt out, without jeopardizing my sobriety. Everyone agreed that this was the best thing for me, therefore my Mother never found out anything.


August 15th 2008 at my youngest daughter, Charity’s, baby shower, my oldest daughter and myself, were really shocked to see my Mother there. My Mother didn't go anywhere because of her heart, and other health problems, and she didn’t drive so we were not aware that she would to be there.

My oldest daughter Megan looked at me and asked, “Mom. Are you okay about Nana being here?”
About that same time Charity walked up and asked, “Mom. Are you okay?”
I looked at both of them smiled and answered, “Yes I am going to be okay.”
They both smiled and simultaneously said, “Good! Just stay away from her and talk to everyone else.”
We all hugged and told each other, “Love You”


I sat on the other end of the table from my Mother, by my cousins and Charity’s in-laws. We all enjoyed the baby shower laughing and carrying on like a bunch of fools. When Megan and I, gave out all our hugs, kisses and good-byes, we headed for the door. When I got to the door, I had this strange feeling come over me, that sent chills down my spine, like a cool summer breeze. I stopped in my tracks, and stood there frozen, I couldn’t move for a minute or two.
Megan stopped and turned to look at me and said, “Mom. What are you doing. Come on. What is wrong?”
I looked up at her with a stunned look on my face and said, “Wait a minute. I will be right back.”
She asked again, “Mom. What are you doing? What is wrong?”
I answered her, “Nothing is wrong. I am going to go tell my Mother good-bye, give her a hug and tell her that I love her.”


Before Megan could stop me, I had already turned, and started to walk towards where my Mother stood, talking to my Uncle and my two Aunts. I walked past where Charity stood talking to some of her in-laws.
She stopped talking and looked at me with a very concerned look on her face, and asked me, “Mom. Are you okay? What are doing?”
I looked over at her and told her, “I am fine. I am going to tell my Mother Good-bye.”


She tried to stop me but I kept walking. Megan had walked over to Charity, and they both stood there, and watched me as I walked toward my Mother.  I turned, and glanced back at the two them. The looks on both of their faces, looked like they were watching the world come to an end right in front of them.


I walked up to the small circle where my Mother, my two Aunts, and my uncle stood there talking. When I walked up my Uncle and my Aunts stopped talking, and looked at me with very concerned look on their faces. After they all stopped talking, my Mother looked to see what had happened, and she looked at me with a shocked look on her face.

I told her, “Mom. I just wanted to give you a hug, and tell you Good bye” then I held out my arms to be opened up for a hug.
She held out her arms, and we gave each other a long strong hug. While we hugged I told her, “Mom I love you so much.”

Tears started to come to my eyes as I said those words to her. I took a deep breath, and looked over to where my daughters stood, and watched, they now were both teary-eyed.

My Mother said, “I love you too.”

That was the first time in more then twenty some years, that my Mother told me she loved me.
We separated and I looked into her eyes and I told her, “Mom. You take care of yourself. Good bye”
She said, “I will. Good bye.”


As I turned and walked away I looked at my Aunts, and my Uncle who now all had tears in their eyes.
I smiled at them and told them, “I will see you all and talk to you all later.”

I walked over to where my daughters were. They both said, “Mom. Are you okay?”
I smiled at them and said, “I’m just fine.”
Then we did a group hug and told each other, “I love you”.


Megan and I walked up the stairs to leave, when she asked me, “Mom. Are you sure you are okay?”
I chuckled a little at her and said, “Honey I am just fine. I did what I needed to do.”


The two of us stopped just outside the door to talk to a couple other people, and have a cigarette before we took the drive home. My Uncle, one of my Aunts and my Mother walked past us, and got into my Uncle cars. I looked over at the car, and waved good bye. Then I noticed that my Mother was crying so hard that her face was red.


I tapped on Megan’s shoulder and asked her, “What is wrong with your Nana?”
She looked over at the car and said, “Oh she is probably being her drama queen self, but I will go see what is wrong.”

We both walked over to the car, and tapped on the window, and motioned for my Mother to roll it down. She rolled the window down, and looked at us like what the hell is wrong.

Megan asked her, “Nana why are you crying? What is wrong?”
My Mother was still crying, and looked up at Megan, and told her, “I am okay honey. I am just tried that is all. I will be just fine.”

Then she turned, and looked up at me, she didn’t say a word as tears were still rolling down her cheeks. The look on her face was like she wanted to tell me something, but couldn’t get the words out. It was a look like she was telling me good bye, and saying she wasn’t going to be here much longer. One of those looks that needed no words spoken to express the thoughts on one’s mind. That look has never left my memory; I can picture the look on her face still today.


September 23rd 2008 I was at home getting ready to head for bed, when my cell phone rang, Charity was calling.
I answered it and said, “Hello”.
Charity said, “Mom. What are doing?”
I answered her, “I am getting ready for bed. Why what is wrong? Honey.”

I knew by her voice that something was wrong, and she was having trouble keeping her composure as she tried to tell me whatever it was. I could hear her inhale a deep breath.

She said with a cracking voice, “Nana is dead.” Then she lost it and started to become really upset and crying, I could barely understand her.
I asked, “What? What happened? When?”

I tried so hard to hold myself together, and I tried not to get upset, because I knew if I did then she would lose it. I had to be strong for my baby. She took another deep breath, and calmed down enough to continue.

 “Uncle Joe (my younger brother) called, and asked me if I had heard from Nana the last couple days. He said he hadn’t heard from her since Sunday night. I told him I heard from her since Monday morning after my doctor’s appointment.”

The two of them heard from my Mother everyday, and sometimes several times a day, so that was why my brother was worried about her, and called Charity to check on things.

Charity continued after she caught her breath again.
“Since I hadn’t heard from Nana since Monday morning. Uncle Joe told me to call Colleen (my oldest niece) to see if she would run by Nana’s apartment to check on her.”

She started to become really hard to understand by now, so I told her to take a deep breath and calm down. She calmed down and continued

“Colleen went by Nana’s apartment, and knocked on the door for a long time, but couldn’t get an answer.”

My Mother never went anywhere because of her health. She had people that would get everything, and do stuff for her.

Charity went on and told me, “Colleen called me back, and told me she couldn’t get an answer. So I told her to call the police.”

Charity lost it for a while after that, and had to take a break before she could continue. After a few minutes she came back to the phone, and started to continue to tell me what had happened.

She said, “The police met Colleen at the apartment. They couldn’t get an answer, so they had to bust the door in. They told Colleen to stay outside, while they went inside the apartment to look things over.”

Charity had to step away from the phone again to regain her composure before she could continued.

When she returned she said, “Mommy. Mommy. They found Nana on her bed. Mommy. Nana died all alone in her bed, and no one knew. Mommy. They don’t know when she died but they are thinking Monday night. We will know tomorrow after the autopsy. Uncle Joe is flying in, and Uncle Jeff is driving up, they both will be here tomorrow.”


We both stayed on the phone for a little while longer cried, and discussed what the plans were for the next day. Then Charity got another call, and it was Colleen so she let me go. I tried to call Megan, but her phone was busy. Even if I knew Charity had already called her I wanted to check on her. I knew she was alone, because her husband was in Texas doing clean up after the hurricane. Since I couldn’t get a hold of Megan, I dialed my Aunt Charlotte she was my Mother’s oldest sister, who was also my lifesaver for so many years. I told her what happened to my Mother, and filled her in on the story.

She asked, “Are you alone?”
I told her, “Yes I am alone. My Dad and my Step Mom went out to the casino tonight.”
She sounded really worried and said, “Oh! Honey. You don’t need to be alone right now with this news. I am worried about you. Don’t do anything stupid. You know what I am talking about. You have come a long way to have something like this knock you back to where you were.”
I cried and told her, “I will be okay I am not going to let this send me backwards. I know I have come to far to go back now.”

About that time my Uncle and my Aunt, walked into her front door, and started to tell her what happened, when she stopped them. She told them I called her, and I was still on the phone.

They both simultaneously asked, “Who called her?”
Charlotte told him, “Charity called her and told her.”
They both asked, “Is she alone?”
Charlotte said, “Yes she is. Her Dad went out for the night.”
They both said, “Oh shit! Tell her to call someone to come over, or just someone to be on the phone for her to talk too.”

Charlotte got back on the phone and said, “Honey I have to get off of here so we can go over what need to be done. Do me a favor, and call your friend in Arkansas. So you are not dealing with this all alone. We are all worried about you, and we know this is very hard for you. So please promise me you will call your friend.”
I told her, “I will be okay. I will stay strong, and I won’t go back to the bottle. I promise I will call my friend.”
We both said our good bye and I love you.


I hung up the phone, and went to dial the number to call my friend Sheri in Arkansas. I stopped; I couldn’t push the buttons on my cell phone, my hands were shaking too bad. I dropped to the floor so fast, it was like my legs gave out on me. I cried so hard I thought I would stop breathing. For the life of me I couldn’t stop crying, the tears just poured out like a raging flood. My body shook so hard it was like the ground was shaking underneath me.

I looked up toward Heaven and said,

“God WHY? WHY? Why now? Why did you have to take her now? I wasn’t strong enough yet to make amends. Now nothing will ever be right between us. Lord please take care of my Mom. I know she is safe with you and no longer suffering or in pain. Lord please tell her I love her. Tell her what I have done with my life, and that she would be finally proud of me. But God most of all, tell her I love her, and that I know she loves me.”

I finally calmed down enough to dial my friend Sheri. We talked on the phone while she was packing her bags, and loading her car to come see.