Have you ever felt like you are drowning, and you can’t make it up for air? Have you ever wondered if there is an end to the madness, but it keeps coming at you, like a freight train? Have you ever gotten to the point where you could just scream bloody murder, but no one would hear you anyway? You could just sit down and cry so hard you can’t stop, like a levee gives way, flooding everything in its path? The many thoughts that invade your mind, twisting around, like a tornado causing so much destruction? You feel like you have no strength to keep on fighting, exhausting every ounce of your existence. Emotions become so overwhelming, out of control, and tearing at you soul, like a raging river gouges out its outer-banks.

That is how I have been feeling here lately, well in the past month. I really thought I was doing well at not trying to stress over the situations of my life. Key word is “thought”. I didn’t feel like I was stressing over everything, but my body was telling me different. I have spent the last three, maybe four weeks, literally sleeping almost 24 hours a day. Not even knowing what day it was from time to time.  I had a week and a half where I was unable to move my head, or even my shoulders. Causing it to be almost impossible to type a story, comment, and read. Back spasms so bad they kept me awake all night. If I wasn’t sleeping all day and night, I was crying my heart out, at the drop of a hat. Days and weeks where I could hardly eat anything or keep it down.

I had become so stressed over the situations and struggles in life that I had thoughts of giving up and giving in. You know checking out of the crazy ass world of ours. Putting an ending to the struggle, stress, pain and all the hurt. I was tired of fighting and trying to stay strong. Though I never devised a plan on how I would go about checking out, the thoughts would still keep coming back into my mind. I was literally hanging on to the side of the cliff with only my fingers.  I was feeling so lost, alone, lonely, in despair, hopeless, helpless, depressed, feeling is if no one cared.

The Friday the week before last I had my oldest grandson, Bubbie, over for a couple hours. Him and I went to the grocery store; he was making me laugh, as he was slam dunking junk food into the cart. We had so much junk food the checker asked us if someone was having a party. I usually don’t buy junk food, usually buy the healthy stuff, but that day since I was still so depressed the only thing that sounded good was junk food. Bubbie however had a blast helping me shop, then coming home and eating as many different things of the stuff we purchased. This was actually the first time I have had him over for almost a month, because I was hiding from everyone. I was too emotional to try, and take care of him. This fun outing at the grocery store made me laugh and gave me a little bit of hope.

The next night,  Saturday night I went to my youngest daughter’s house to baby-sit my youngest grandson so her husband and her could go out that night for her birthday. I sat there watching a movie, as thoughts were twisting around in my mind, I was almost in tears the whole time. My grandson woke up about 11:30, which he hardly ever wakes up in the middle of the night. He didn’t want to go back to sleep, because he wanted to play with me. So the two of us watched baseball movies, and played while I was waiting for him to give up and want to go back to sleep. Well mom and dad came home around 1:30 and he was still up. I decided since I was still awake that I would drive home instead of staying the night. Sleeping in my own bed would let me get more rest.

I got home around two something, walked into my apartment. As I walked into the door I had this creepy eerie feeling come over me, telling me that something wasn’t right. I locked the door behind me, quietly sat my purse and over night bag down on the floor. I knelt down and retrieved a 10” piece of galvanized gas pipe, a flashlight (one of those that could also be used as a weapon). I then grabbed my pepper spray out of my purse tucking it into the back of my jeans, and a carpet knife that I placed in my back pocket. Yes 15 years later and I still have weapons stashed through out my house, for the “Just in case moment”.

I walked through my house checking out everything, going from room to room, looking in closets and to see if anything had been moved. I got to my bedroom, heart racing a mile a minute, hands shaking. I saw that one of my dresser drawers was partly opened. Call it crazy but I make sure every closet is shut, drawers are completely shut, cabinet are closed, and everything in its proper place before I leave the house. It is the way I have lived for almost twenty-five years now. Hey but at least I don’t still have to tape the drawers and cabinet or leave a matchbook in the doorframe anymore, so that is an improvement.

I thought to myself, you must have just packed in a hurry and forgot to shut it completely. That thought didn’t help much because my heart was already racing like it would jump right out of my chest. My body was shaking, sweating and feeling like it was over heating. I had started to go into a panic attack before I could get control of myself and my emotions. If you haven’t ever had a panic attack, it feels like a heart attack. I have had them so bad that I was in the hospital strapped to a heart monitor before, or in some cases I have black completely out and had to be taken to the ER.

I was able to gain enough control to get to the medicine cabinet to get my anxiety medicine, which is actually supposed to be in my purse at all times, but I have felt confident enough to not carry it everywhere anymore. Then after I was able to get it down, and then I made it back to the front door, almost clawing by now, to get my inhaler. The inhaler opens up my breathing passages, during a panic attack you can stop breathing. So then I sat on the floor trying to clam down completely and I started to cry uncontrollably.

I had realized then that my PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), anxiety disorder, and panic disorder had all become totally out of control. Yes you heard me right I have PTSD, not from fighting a war over sea but from fighting a war in my own home. All three are from being abused; I used to not be afraid of anything, not even spiders and snakes. I have over the years learned to manage them and keep them under control, without having to take medicine for them all. Like I said I felt confident and sure enough not to have to take the Anxiety/Panic attack medicine with me everywhere I go. I haven’t taken medicine for them or the PTSD for almost 5 years now.

After the panic attack on Saturday night, and thinking about all the over sleeping, or times I didn’t sleep at all for days, eating hardly nothing or to much of the junk food. All the times I would cry at the drop of a hat, for no reasons that were really apparent at the time. I got to thinking about all the emotions, feelings, and the thoughts that had been running through my mind for almost a month now. I knew then that things were getting out of control and I knew that I couldn’t get them under control again without the help of going back on my medicine again. So I called my doctor on Monday and made an appointment.

I have come to far in life and gone through so much, conquered the worst of odds, why the hell should I give up now. I know I am a strong person, I have always been the strong one all my life, and from day one I came into the world I had to fight to be here. I will keep on fighting and moving those mountains one pebble at a time. Things might be bad now but they could always be worse, they have to get better some day, soon I hope. I have my wonderful family and the greatest friends that life could ever offer.

I do have to say that I am so happy that my girls are so much like me, because they damn sure can give some great encouraging speeches, trust me I had to listen to both of them last week. And I am so grateful for my best friend and the fact that she has always been there for me and for the fact that she actually listened to my encouraging speeches because I had to hear them told right back to me. It is funny when you think you are talking and they are not listening but when you are at your weakest moments they throw your words right back at you, then you learn that you really made them think and listen.

I want to send a thank you out to Tink, for his PMs and keeping me smiling and laughing, when all I wanted to do was cry. And to my best friend Tai (who is also on OS), who gave me those great speeches back to me, and called me every night for weeks on end to make sure I was okay. Thank you both for being there for me when I needed someone the most.

I want to also say thank you to every one of you here on OS. I talked to my doctor about this website and how much I have been able to tell my stories on here, the inspiration you all have given me, the caring, and encouraging words when I needed them most. OS has been very therapeutic and an awesome outlet for me. I have been able to get out the stories of my life, and get them out of my head. I don’t have nightmares anymore because I have had the opportunity to get them out of my head and give them to the world. My doctor said she never dreamed that a website could possibly be so therapeutic, but in my case it has worked wonders, miracles almost. So THANK YOU every one of you here on OS for always being there for me. I love you all and THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIENDS..

So I will be on and off a little at a time while I focus on trying to get my life back in order, and my health back under control. Spend time with my family and friends, enjoying life. Even if I had this moment of complete darkness, and weakness I will come out of it okay. I have come out of a lot of worse things, so I know I can make it through this too. Life is worth living to the fullest.