God gives you only what you can handle.
How much can one person really handle?
I am usually such a very strong person. I have survived the worst of odds.
Honestly I really should not be here today, typing on OS. I have lived to be able to tell my story, here on OS.
That is all the past, that I have put behind me, and buried by an old oak tree.
The last two years, there has been so much placed upon me, which I have dealt with, only with the help of God, family and friends.
Now today I sit here wondering; What am I going to do?
Can't afford to live, sure can't afford to enjoy life.
Yes I am very lucky that I still have my life.
Do I really honestly have my life, when I can't live it?
Today I am paying the consequences, of the horrible, abusive relationships, that I have had in the past.
I have spinal cord and vertebra damage, from the bottom of my head to my tail bone, that I have because of the past. I am in pain 24/7, the 15 different medications, that I have to take, for my back, don't help at all.
None of the medicine eases the pain at all, there really isn't anything that I can do to make the pain go away. The treatments are only making my health worse, size 6 falls off of me.
It gets hard to pretend that everything is okay, and that I am not in pain.
Then there are the days, when I can't get out of bed, because I can't move. Or the days when I try so hard to just keep going. Then there are days when nothing helps at all.
Those are the days when pretending is impossible, and those are the days when I hide from the world. Escaping it long enough for me to gain my strength to keep going.
Today's economy in our country, has made it almost impossible for me to stay strong, and to be able to afford to live.
I am always the strong one. I can only wish that, one day someone will be strong enough, to help carry me through, all that life has dealt out to me.
I keep telling myself that "It has to get to better", " Stay strong," "Don't forget to breathe," "Keep praying for better."
When will that happen??
How humble does someone really have too be?
How much can one person really take?
I will be honest with all of my friends here on OS...
I can't take anymore, and I am hanging on the edge of that cliff, with my finger tips. I am trying to keep my head above the water, but I am running out of air and engery.
It would not take much for me to lose my grip and go down. I am not strong enough to keep making it back up for air.
The pain is too much..
I have no money...I have no income..
I have past due bills and more coming in..
No money for co-pays on my medicine, or even gas in my car (it is totally on empty.)
The friend of 12 yrs, that I helped out, by giving him a place to stay, so he could move back to Missouri, to be closer to his son. He put me into a worse finical situation. I found out that he really wasn't the friend, that I thought he was. (I wish not to go into all of what happened.)
I have no idea what to do, or how I am going to pull myself out of all of this mess that we call life.
I have more then 3,000 resume out in the last year and half..
Unemployment emergency funds have been cut off, there is no more.
I don't even have a single penny to my name.
Giving up and giving in, it would honestly be a lot easier, than trying to make it in life.
It would not be hard for me to give up, and throw my hands up in the air
and say, "I have had enough. I can not take no more."
15 prescriptions.... Take them all, lay down, and peacefully go to sleep.
Make all the heartache, pain, hurt, and anguish, all go away..
It is sad when life comes down to that choice..
What other choice is there?
I am reaching out the best way I know how do it now..
I give up.. I can't take no more..
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CoUrTnEy R.
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Comments
What happened with the disability hearing? Did they not understand how much you needed that to go through?
I care but I don't know how to help. Can you move in with someone for now? What is one step you could take today to start a different path? If you need to talk I'm here for you.
God bless you and give you peace and relief today, right now, and clarity.
On a practical note you never said what you do (only that you have put out 3000 resumes) nor how much money would ease at least that part of your problems.
Please post tuis or PM me with it. There are tons of people here who could very well be in a position to help on some level by providing employment (yes, remote employment exists, my company uses it not infrequently) and others who have networks of friends, family and colleagues who might have some help for you.
Please dint give up.
I will talk to my doctor about the medicine, for free.
I have 15 years of experience in accounting and finance. I worked many in the construction field. All the same I took care of all the money that went in and out, plus I bid and estimated jobs.
My resume used to be one that companies couldn't wait to get a hold of, now they are hiring people with little to no experience.
Hang on there, fire. Believe now that help is right around the corner and hang on with all your might. Reaching out is the first step to seeing prayers answered!
As someone who has been through abusive relationships, I feel your pain.
But, perhaps most of all, as a fellow 99er, I *really* feel your pain. I got my first job washing dishes at the Escondido Country Club when I was 15 years old. It paid $1.85 an hour, and I rode my bicycle home after work, in the dark.
Prior to 9/11, I was a computer network administrator. I was laid off when the computer industry crashed in the aftermath of that, and never did get hired back into the IS industry.
So I spent most of the next seven years waiting tables for minimum wage plus tips. Then my employer went bankrupt.
I'll be 51 in early October. That's a lot of years of working, and the last 2 years, 4 months of *not* working.
But Glenn Beck says we're not really Americans, that's we're not regular folks, we're just lazy bums.
LOL, I should have something punchy, memorable and clever to end this with, but I seem to be out of stock on clever just now.
The hurt is too deep, the heartache is just below the surface. There are somethings in life that, may be an easy fix, or that we can breath and pretend that they are not there.
The things that gouge at your soul, and stab at your heart, those things are so hard to handle. They really are the heaviest cross that you have ever had to bare..
Don't know what to advise about the job situation. It sucks golf balls through a garden hose. Likely you'll have to forget about what you know and start a whole new angle. I'm in a similar situation, except that I'm not dealing with constant physical pain.
But, what about those two wonderful girls you have? Couldn't you split time between them? Like live with one for a while, then the other? When I was a kid my Grandmother Virginia lived with us, then she would move to our Aunt's, Mom's sister. She helped with us kids which I know was a blessing to our Mom. She cooked wonderful food and dispensed endless love. I know you are (or at least were) at odds with one of them. That's small potatoes in the big picture. Time for your children to suck it up and help out ol' Mom.
Everyone considers suicide sometimes. As you know if you read me, a friend of my sons died this time last week of an overdose. IMHO, THAT is no way to go out, although I have to admit sometimes that it sure would nice to end the struggles. Poof, gone...
Would be a damned shame at this juncture though wouldn't it? You have two grandchildren that love you.
everything that happens is karma unfolding...
see what new tortures life has to offer you
with a bemused eye...
"aha, a new twist in this tragic story"...
BELIEVE it is happening for a reason, and i don't mean
this in the sense of "god works in mysterious ways,so accept it"
i mean: study it, find the symbolic meaning of it all,
for everything is symbolic.
you are at the ultimate point in life when one faces death
and makes friends with it,
as i have been often...but i read something once that stuck with me:
"live as if you are already dead"
as for relief & help, i have a feeling it's coming...
you are being mortified by the fire and
stripped down to truth and bone.
that's not comforting for you to hear,
but hear this: the world is not a chaos and the meaning of it all
will unfold to such a brilliant mind as yours and
you hav e us to tell what the F.
it's all about.
I've also wondered about commiting some crime in order to get into prison. At least in prison there is some rudimentary health care.
I've dropped the idea of offing myself. Writing has become a way of holding on to my life, wherever it leads, however dire. If you are here, then you are a writer, too, and writing may just serve the same purpose for you.
Long may you run.
Is there a church that will help you out for awhile? Many do.
Can any of the back injuries that are the result of abuse be prosecuted so you can sue?
This really distresses me because I believe you are a great and very lovable person.
Everyone is turning to family now too, so there is no shame in reaching out to any of them who could only be so lucky as to have you in their household with them. Take care dear one.
I know life seems very difficult right now, believe me I know, but this too shall pass. Lean a little on those who love you, they would lean on you if the situations were reversed. This is exactly what family is for.
Have you ever tried a morphine pump? I read about someone awhile back who had been on virtually every other painkiller regimen without success, who was finally helped by that.
It kind of sounds to me like you have a much bigger problem with depression than you might recognize because of how much chronic pain you are suffering. It is likely complicated by the opiates, which themselves can cause very depressive feelings if the dosage and frequency are not regulated by a good chronic pain specialist--it should go without saying that if you are not seeing a chronic pain specialist, you must ASAP.
Hopefully those on here who can spare a few bills will help out while you are getting on your feet. I will send a little when I can, it won't be much though because I'm getting by on a very meager disability stipend myself. I do know of one person in particular who recently became gainfully employed--she starts next week--who most certainly should reciprocate your past goodwill.
I still think you could start a business refinishing and selling antiques (or assisting others in same, online) locally and on eBay. You would of course have to manage the Chronic Pain issue before you comb the antique dealers and pawn shops, which I know is a lot easier said than done.
If the CP does indeed keep you from being functional, then you are eligible for SSI disability ... but it's not always easy to get, you may have to appeal. My application took six months and went through on the first try, but I'm a first rate fuck-up. It also helped that I had a good team going to bat for me. The nice thing is if you are approved, medical and dental, including medicine, is 100% covered in most cases. Benefits can be awarded retroactively as far as 12 months back from the time of application I believe--if they access you were suffering during that time.
Take it easy sweetheart, things are bound to get better and you have people who love you,
Jim
I like to joke that the room service isn't as good as a Four Seasons (though you can generally order what you want for meals and they deliver it to the unit) .. and the bill is twice as much.
I have gotten a lot of support right here on this comment thread.
To answer Antisocialgrace, and I think a couple other have mentioned it also. I do have depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and I also have PTSD, which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (I didn't fight a war over seas I fought a war in my own home). You can add obsessive, compulsive, because I have to have everything in the right spot, all the closet doors, and cabinet doors closed at all times. This way I can tell if someone has been in my home, while I wasn't there. Plus I have weapons stashed all over my house, for that "Just in case moment." It may seem silly to some, by it has kept me alive and safe so far anyway.
Thank you all so very much, your words have help.
Love and hugs to you all.
Accept help from professionals, trying to do this on your own is like swimming up stream without a paddle and weights on your feet. Surrender is the best answer - please go to the people whose job it is to help you get acquainted with all of the resources out there. Right now, the only thing you need to concentrate on is the next indicated step.
I wish you love, light, and god speed.
Please call 911.
Still, there's something even I can do from here : that is to send you every prayer and every hope and every wish to make you better ...
Rated
You will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Hang in there and whatever you do...don't, don't let go.
You may need welfare or social services for a time. That's what they're there for. Take 'em.
As for the chronic pain, you know that it robs you of sense--people who aren't in it don't get that. You might need one or two medications, not fifteen. There are medicines that work both on the pain receptors and the serotonin levels.
Check yourself in somewhere and start yourself on a journey to get better...we need that from you. Thank you for reaching out to us.
I hear you. I know what you're experiencing. I experience it too. I don't think a day goes by where I'd prefer not to be here. The repeated burdens, the lack of love, the world becoming so ugly...but you know, every once in a while, I FEEL the ability to rise above it. Little, fleeting glimpses. I live for those now. I think they'll lead me somewhere.
It's alright to want to die. Don't feel ashamed. Sit with it strongly and proudly. Radical self-acceptance in the scariest of places.
Enough pontificating. You've mentioned your resume several times. I'm a bitch about resumes. I rip them to shreds and make them better. Most resumes suck. Not saying yours does but my radar is going off. So why don't you send it to me?
All I will say is don't let this eat you alive. I have considered very briefly taking my own life. Then a friend would suddenly call and invite me to dinner (a dinner they paid for). Or I'd sing karaoke with friends (free and they'd buy me a cheap drink or two). I consider all of them my angels.
My point is that whenever I've thought of letting go, something always happens that gives me another reason to stay. Please try to find reasons. Remember that there is someone in this world that you mean the world to--don't let them down!
I don't know about you because I don't speak for you, but the best I feel like the best thing I or anybody can do, whom has had to face some shitty things, is to try to be the anti to that negative experience. That past is unchangeable but as humanity as the ability to be cruel, it can be compassionate and make a difference.
Unlike contemporary "feel good" philosophies, he tried to understand how those events we usually try and exorcise from ourselves are part of the world, and how trying to eliminate them diminishes the world. This gives health a non-egoistic dimension. People who have been victimized by others are often more gentle, and more accepting, than most---this is what made them targets of exploitation to begin with. Rather than seeing these qualities as a weakness, Assagioli insisted on their primacy for the larger whole, that is, experience beyond the self. At any rate I hope this puts your healing in a better perspective. At some point one needs to return to the world, and its risks, perhaps with a deeper sense of one's connectiveness to it (instead of just one's connectiveness to oneself, or even to others). The change in orientation to the world also makes one surprisingly immune to further manipulation.
rated.
I am feeling a little better, I don't feel so lost and alone. I have been talking to my best friend, my oldest daughter. My youngest is out of town right now.
I have also been talking to my Dad. Thing is with Dad, every time I start to talk to him about, everything invading my peace of mind, and surrounding my life, I start to cry.
I am one of those people that it takes a lot to make me cry in front of someone. I will shut the whole world out, just so no one can see me cry, upset, and they can't see me at my weakest moments. It just can't happen that away. Hell don't you remember that, I am six feet tall and bullet proof.
But I have been doing a lot of talking, crying, and even laughing, with my daughter, my dad, and my best friend. It has helped a lot.
Add that on top of all of you wonderful, compassionate, caring, lovable people, here on OS. I love you all...
With the medicines- I have talked to my doctor about them all.. They are looking into some other way, like maybe one or two medicines to take, instead of 15 of them. But since the medicine isn't working to ease the pain, they really need to find something else. Problem is that we have to deal with Medicaid. There are other options out there for chronic back pain, or should I just say chronic body pain...
When I a little girl my dream when I grew up wasn't to become a legal junkie.
Earlier today wasn't a good day. Woke up with extreme pain in my neck and shoulders, all the muscles were so tight, that I couldn't even move my head.
So I took one of the medicines, 800mg Motrin and laid back down.
So I have been sleeping a lot or trying to stay busy.
Now to night my feet, ankles, and hands are swollen. I have never had this happen before, so I will call the doctor in the morning.
I do have a place I can go to for counseling, it is a different place then I have went to before, and medicaid will cover this place.
I will call them tomorrow, I left a message with them today, but I haven't received a call back. So I will call them tomorrow, since I slept most of the day away today.
I think it was more of an emotional crash, where tells you ENOUGH!!
Well I know that I have times like that with my PTSD. Change, stress, emotional crap, when the storm has passed and went on, I can literately sleep for days.
Thank You!! So much for all you thoughts, advice, stories of your own pain (which does help).
Love you all
Hugs
Fireeyes24